Breakups With Women With Traits of BPD:
Five Misconceptions That Keep Men
From Letting Go and Moving On
A breakup with a woman who engages in behaviors associated with BPD or borderline personality disorder during a romantic relationship may be one of the more painful experiences a man can go through. Many men report spending months and even years recovering from the fallout from this type of relationship.
For men whose romantic partners do not engage in the behavior pattern associated with BPD until after marriage, the going can be even tougher. Men who have attempted to navigate through divorce with a woman with traits of BPD, particularly with children involved, have reported being subjected to acts of retaliation so extreme they could strain anyone’s credibility.
For people who have not experienced the extraordinary path of destruction these women leave in their wake, even a reliable and accurate historian’s account of his experiences can come off as the incoherent or exaggerated ramblings of someone who may have anger or even mental health issues of his own.
Because of the difficulty many people have in understanding the true nature of these relationship breakups, many misconceptions about this disorder can arise. Most of these perceptions are based on our common belief system of why people behave the way they do. But they don’t take into account the unusual nature of BPD.
These assumptions, as understandable as they may be, if left unchallenged can easily lead someone trying to heal from one of these relationships to wrong conclusions. Without clearing away these misperceptions it may be more difficult to gain the kind of understanding necessary to recover from this type of relationship.
In this blog post we are going to address five common mistaken assumptions about the recovery process from a breakup with a woman with traits of borderline personality disorder. We’re going to start by taking a look at a general misassumption about BPD that may give you an unrealistic idea of how many women suffer from this condition.
Misconception No. 1:
All Women Who Engage in Behaviors Associated With the Disorder Have BPD
Many people believe that women who only engage in behaviors associated with BPD in their romantic relationship but who are otherwise able to function in their daily lives are eligible for the diagnosis of BPD. Borderline personality disorder is actually a very complex and serious condition that affects many aspects of an individual’s life.
We tend to toss around psychological labels fairly casually. But it is not really accurate to label a woman who is capable of functioning in her everyday life as having the disorder, even if she engages in some of these behaviors in her romantic relationships.
Because the personality traits we are born with can be weak, strong, or anywhere in between, the severity of the genetic component that causes susceptibility to this disorder can vary. Therefore it is easiest to use the concept of an imaginary scale or spectrum when referring to BPD behaviors.
Women who have weaker traits may engage in less extreme behaviors associated with this disorder. For this reason they won’t qualify for the diagnosis. But there is one very common presentation of behaviors associated with BPD in women who are not eligible for diagnosis. It is common for women who possess weaker traits of BPD to act normally in every area of their lives except in their romantic relationships.
In this blog post we will be using the term “women with traits of BPD” or “women who engage in behaviors associated with BPD” to include all women who engage in this behavior pattern.
Although it is important that we don’t label all women on the spectrum of BPD as disordered, it is also equally important to note that the effect on you as a romantic partner may be the same regardless of whether your ex had the disorder or was on the less extreme side of the spectrum. The information you read in this blog post will apply equally to ex-partners regardless of whether their partner was diagnosable for the disorder.
The next misassumption we will address can not only keep a man trying to recover from one of these breakups from progressing but may also cause him to mistakenly think that he needs years of therapy before embarking on another relationship.
Misconception No. 2:
We Only Pick Partners Who Are As Healthy And Stable As We Are
One of the major misleading assumptions about BPD is the belief that the partners of women with BPD are as sick as the woman they broke up with. This assumption is somewhat understandable. After all, there is an observable correlation between our mental health status and the status of those we pick as partners. However, BPD is a very unique and unusual condition that actually creates an exception to this rule.
When we look at the reasons why countless men have been breaking their silence about these types of relationship experiences we find that the usual motivation that compels them to tell their stories is the alien and bizarre nature of the behaviors they witnessed. Most of these men are reaching out to try to find another person who might be able to explain the behavior to them. They are usually very surprised to find out that there are other men who went through an identical experience.
Another observation that seems to contradict this assumption is the fact that many of the men who tell their stories report having had perfectly healthy and productive relationships before and often after their BPD relationship. To further refute this assumption, if we closely examine what women with traits of BPD are looking for in a man, we will find that it is the healthy men who are actually at the highest risk of entanglement.
Men with a healthy level of trust may have had little experience with the toxic combination of extreme love followed by extreme hatred in the same person. And it is often the inability to come to terms with the two opposing parts of their partner’s personality that causes them such difficulty letting go.
The next mistaken assumption we are going to address is the belief that men who are in relationships with women with traits of BPD suffer from codependency or have problems with self-sacrifice or people-pleasing.
Misconception No. 3:
Men Who Get Involved With Women With Traits of BPD Are Codependent
There certainly are a number of men who struggle with codependency, or putting the needs of others in front of their own. Their personality may be quite attractive to a woman with traits of BPD. After all, a woman with these traits is looking for a man who wants to take care of her needs.
But to categorize the difficulty so many men have in first identifying and then moving on from one of these relationships as a problem of codependency minimizes the very real psychological toll that going through this ordeal can take on an individual.
What we will find when we closely examine the kind of man that is typically chosen by a woman with BPD is that he often fits the category we tend to call the nice-guy personality type. A nice guy is a label we use for someone whose primary positive attributes have to do with his kind and generous nature.
The nice guy type possess his own common cluster of personality traits. Much like the traits of BPD, the traits of a nice guy tend to be found in combination in a sizeable portion of the population. Because our personality traits drive our behavior patterns, we can recognize the nice guy type based solely on his actions.
The nice guy traits are for the most part very beneficial, particularly in relationships. These traits are shared by both men and women. Although most nice-guy and nice-girl types are perfectly healthy, this particular combination of traits can make them susceptible to codependency if there is a negative past experience in childhood or early adulthood.
Although many people have a habit of mistaking some of the healthy nice-guy traits for codependency, in reality, the only negative aspect that we could pin on a nice-guy type would be his naivete in believing that everybody is as trusting as he is.
It is his willingness to give others the benefit of the doubt and his lack of suspicion that others may take advantage of him that make him the perfect candidate for the woman with traits of BPD.
Misconception No. 4:
Women With Traits of BPD Need Psychotherapy To Get Better
Let’s now address another mistaken assumption about women with BPD. We are going to examine the belief that women who engage in behaviors associated with BPD in their relationships need psychotherapy in order to stop the negative behavior.
Many people assume that because the behavioral patterns engaged in by women with traits of BPD resemble that of common abusers that women with these traits are acting out as adults because of their childhood mistreatment. It would also make sense for people to assume that their behavior must be treated through uncovering their painful past.
But recent developments in the treatment of BPD have shown us that treating the neurological component of BPD which involves regulating or controlling emotions can supply them with the skills necessary to control their negative behavior towards their romantic partners. Interestingly, this training does not include an exploration into childhood trauma.
Although psychotherapy is a very important component of recovery from BPD, for those with less pronounced traits or who do not have trauma in their background it is reasonable to assume that by teaching them the skills that because of their naturally high sensitivity they have not been able to learn on their own, they can stop their negative behaviors.
But the most important misassumption that we need to address in this blog post is the assumption that you could have seen it coming.
Misconception No. 5:
You Could Have Recognized The Signs of BPD
The belief that you should have been able to tell this woman was going to turn against you at some point in your relationship, like some of the other misconceptions about BPD relationships is fairly understandable. Most mental health conditions really do have warning signs that can alert you to trouble down the road if you know how to recognize them.
But as we have already discussed, BPD presents as a very unusual condition. The only warning sign that you might sense is the feeling that the relationship is absolutely right, or that it might be too good to be true.
Although she does not mean to be, the woman who later engages in negative behaviors due to traits of BPD is an absolute master at deception at first. Unlike most people she has the rare ability to keep up the illusion of being a great romantic partner for an extraordinarily long time. And because she is completely invested in her own performance, there may not be observable cracks that let you see the woman she really is under the surface.
The intimacy she craves is for her a double-edged sword. As long as she is pursuing it, she feels safe enough to forget about the risks and enjoy the euphoria of being in love. However, once she finds herself locked into a relationship, her fear of getting hurt will overpower her enjoyment.
By the time she recognizes her great vulnerability, her level of intimacy will be so high from her drive to get you to fall in love that she will have to employ destructive tactics to ratchet down the intimacy to where she feels safe again. She accomplishes this by demeaning and devaluing you, blaming you for her desperate need for emotional safety.
Understanding that the behavior you were subjected to was influenced by genetics and related to neurological difficulty with emotional regulation can help you accept that although your ex-partner clearly was not capable of treating you as you deserved to be treated, she was not evil, nor was she a common abuser who lured you in with the goal of mistreating you.
This foundational understanding of what causes susceptibility to these behaviors can also allow you to accept that the good treatment you received early on was real, at least in your ex-partner’s mind, and that she did at that point love you as much as she said she did.
The knowledge that your ex-partner did not possess the skills necessary to cope with her high emotionality may also help you accept that she is not in her present state equipped to handle a long-term relationship with anyone. She lacks the skills to manage the extreme form of the paranoid, jealous, angry or insecure thoughts that we all may have to a much lesser degree from time to time in our romantic relationships.
This awareness can help you put to rest the idea that you played any role in her mistreatment of you. It can also help you let go of the notion that she could form a healthy relationship with anyone else in the future without first learning these crucial relationship skills.
Related Posts:
Did Your Ex-Girlfriend Have Traits Of Borderline Personality Disorder?
Women With Traits of BPD – Why Did She Lie?
BPD and the Nice Guy Personality Type
Identifying Traits of BPD In Women Before Relationship Commitment
Romantic Idealization And Devaluation In Women With Traits of BPD
Women With Traits of BPD – Why Men Stay
Note To Readers: I’d like to take a moment to thank all of you who have taken the time to post in my comments section. Your questions, opinions and personal stories form an invaluable contribution to this important discussion.
If you would like to learn the Nicola Method so you can put an end to the high conflict situations you may be experiencing, click on this link to the welcome page of this website where you will find the resources you need.
If you want to try out some of the basic techniques of this method for free to see if this method is right for your situation, you can learn them from an intro guide flip-book here or a PDF version of the intro guide here.
HI Joanna. I have been reading many of these articles as I have been broken up with my ex now for about 5 months who I presume to have bpd. The part about sexual chemistry and attraction to bpd peaked my interest. Since men ideally base there partners on sexual chemistry, how does one date a girl without bpd, whose sexual chemistry is not nearly as good as with bpd partner? I have been seeing a girl who is definitely not bpd and I noticed I am not nearly as satisfied sexually with her. Though I love the person she is. Do you have advice on this? Searching for reason.
Gabe, although I covered this question in the comment section for another post, just in case it is of interest to others here are a few more thoughts.There are downsides for men in partnering with women. One of them is what may feel like sexual incompatibility caused by a woman’s lack of sex drive compared to a man’s. But hyper-sexuality in women can be correlated with serious mental health conditions associated with problems with impulsivity. And impulsivity is a real liability in a relationship.
Although, as you say, instinct to go for raw attraction may be a first choice for many men, those who have the maturity and discipline to choose a woman based on qualities that will strengthen the relation instead of weaken it fare much better in the long run.
Hello Joanna,
I have read much of the insightful (and relateable) content on your pages. Thank you for being professional and frank. On this point about sex, it is something I recognise as a problem as I attempt to move on. Constantly comparing and looking back over the heady heights achieved particularly within what I now realise as the idealisation phase. This extends beyond sex though = to the interactions, the conversations, the interests – and it leaves a lingering doubt about everything being good, or even OK. Could you link to the previous post you mentioned, and point to other resources of information around this problem?
Thanks
Brian, I’m not sure which post you are referring to. I will re-post the articles listed at the end of this blog post which relate to the subject matter. Feel free to ask me any specific question around this subject and I’ll do my best to give you my thoughts.
You can search for any of these titles in the search bar:
Did Your Ex-Girlfriend Have Traits Of Borderline Personality Disorder?
Women With Traits of BPD – Why Did She Lie?
BPD and the Nice Guy Personality Type
Identifying Traits of BPD In Women Before Relationship Commitment
Romantic Idealization And Devaluation In Women With Traits of BPD
Women With Traits of BPD – Why Men Stay
Hi Nicola,
thank you for replying – I’ve read those articles and they are very informative. I’d appreciate your insight into how the ‘nice guy’ type moves on, particularly after such a passionate and intense relationship. The sex was frequent and intense, and a rollercoaster of emotion was across every interaction of the relationship and many aspects of out lives.
Now I worry about not recognising openness or interest from prospective non BPD partners. Worse, that these could feel inferior or not as ‘true’ as the quite obvious and intense interest in my previously dysfunctional relationship. I’m on quite a journey to move on, and realise my self esteem has taken a hit – I’m very worried about being soo unsure about possible partners interest, and comparing the absence of BPD behaviours and intensity, with boredom, or worse – disinterest!
Thanks,
Brian
Brian, that’s a great question. There is quite a bit of difficulty in this area for those who have gone through BPD breakups. There are two ways we can look at this that can be helpful. It can help to compare your situation to someone who you are in love with that dies. Many widowers have a very difficult time finding a new romantic partner. The new person simply can’t compare with the great love they had. Using this analogy can help you forgive yourself for not feeling excited or not wanting to commit to a new person even if they do seem compatible.
Another way to look at it is with a drug analogy, which is often very applicable. Once a person has used chemicals to make them feel very good when there is nothing good happening and then their drug is taken away, they experience what the rest of us feel to be normal or neutral as a negative state. For many being with someone with traits of BPD is like being on a drug. The person with traits of BPD is gifted with the ability to intuit their partners deepest longing. They are also easily able to match their partner sexually, which can feel very addictive and gives the illusion that there is an amazing compatibility in this area.
Using this metaphor, one can recognize that it takes time to get used to what real life really is without the euphoria. And if you are able to recognize in advance that you may be less thrilled with a new partner than you were with the BPD partner, you can slowly readjust to what for everyone is a slightly sad reality. The truth is that our fears and insecurities do get in the way of our trusting others.
And because we are all a little bit untrustworthy, everyone in order to stay healthy must be a little bit wary. And when we are wary, we cannot achieve these kinds of euphoric highs. The individual with BPD is uniquely able to suspend all of their fear of getting hurt. Of course, like a rubber band stretched too tight, they will eventually swing the other way.
Finding new relationships after these breakups is a very useful way of healing. It may not be advisable to let a new partner in on the more sordid aspects of your last relationship, but generally everyone understands when they are told you had a bad breakup recently, and most won’t hold it against you if you are a little less enthralled than might be called for.
As with most things, if you are aware and prepared that your next romantic partner may very well not come close to this ideal, you should be able to be conscious enough to work through it. With time, and with the right person, you should be able to appreciate the healthy and often a little bit boring aspects of a more normal relationship. You might think of it as getting used to a healthy lifestyle as opposed to a party all night lifestyle, or replacing a diet of junk food with what’s healthier. At first it may seem like you have to impose a discipline on yourself. But in time the healthy part of you will begin to flourish in this new environment.
Thank you for this Joanna. Your thoughts, and the analogies used to animate them are very helpful 🙂
Thank you for your response Joanna.
Hi my name is richard and me and my recent ex girlfriend broke things off after almost a year of dating. Im no expert in relationships (i’ve only had 3 her included) but what strikes me the most about this relationship was the instant turn around she did when she called things off. We went on a break a few months prior to this writing for multiple reasons (i was unstable in my occupations but was still trying) and she was without job for almost a year. Now its kinda reversed (she has a job and im looking) and although it was a strain it wasnt BAD. In other words plenty of good times…and some bad. From this date, the beginning of the week i was just getting out of my depressed slump and getting back on the horse of life. Then i get the dear jon text. Now i know we’ve had our bad moments too and although the good outways the bad she sends this multiple part text about how even tho she loves me and wants us to work, we just cant without being toxic for each other. We were talkomg and watching shows with each other like we were still together and now she doesnt even want to talk to me anymore. This devistates me…she was my beloved and she still is in my mind…i just dont want to lose her completely out of my life. I also recently found out that she was talking to one of my older good friends about me and the problems we faced. My friend felt like she was playing mind games with me at this point and it offended him (he is a good friend). I guess my point is i do care for this girl, even planned on marrying her in the future, but was it all for not? Shes extremely smart (going to school for psychology) and yes she does have BPD (extreme abusive childhood) i just feel like in the last hours of all of this new intel that i have been dating somewhat of a stranger. I still love her but am having really bad trouble letting go. I have respected after a few non responsive texts the no contact. The last thing i did text her was that i understand she needs space and that i wish her well in this endeavor of self betterment. My question is is there a chance of us getting back together or is this just too much for us? I would love nothing more than to go back and fix 1 or 2 moments but i know i cant…but is there ever a second chance with this?
Richard, we cannot say that she has BPD, but we can say that she has some of the behaviors associated with that disorder. With these specific behavior patterns, the common methods we use to address relationship issues will not work, so you wouldn’t be able to go back and fix a few things. You are up against powerful defense mechanisms which in time can become very destructive, so it’s best that you take yourself out of harm’s way. It is very confusing and painful to have someone you love cut communication with no explanation. But in this instance it may be in your best interest to take advantage of the opportunity to try to let go and move on with your life.
Don’t assume that every word of her history is true. My wife had been lying for years when I found out. She literally split when I was trying to have a week separation… Just run man. You don’t need this. I wish I didn’t stay through so much turmoil. My life is a wreck thanks to that insane witch…
She has bpd because she’s told me before and she was diagnosed before i ever knew her. She would tell me to study up on it and although i did i just did leasurely. As an update she has been visiting a friend in my town (she lives a distance (80 plus miles) even before we broke up. I want to say i trust the guy and he even assured me (kind of) and her that nothing was being done. I just dont know who to trust. I feel betrayed in a way but she has 0 friends and he is a good listener so who am i to say you can or cant hang out with him. Just the deciet is what kills me. And none of my friends are psychologists…she has hers. I exploded on her via text (lol IM SHOUTING XP) and now we talk but how do i even begin to process this all? Do i not trust him and her or is this just a case of bad timing and misrepresentation?
She is following a script that many men who have been in your position have experienced. Women with traits of BPD have a habit of showing up in an ex’s life in very inappropriate ways. Most people who have been through this recommend no contact until they feel able to resist the post-breakup antics that these women are known for.
Hi Joana,
What are some of the post breakup antics that bpd women posses?
Kat, I am not sure I would call them antics. Women on the spectrum of BPD may threaten or carry out suicide after a breakup. They may start a smear campaign in an attempt to destroy their ex-partner’s reputation in their community or to get them fired from their job. They might announce they are pregnant with a partner’s child. They might announce that they have fallen in love with another person. Or they may act very loving in an attempt to re-start the relationship.
Mine just went on a smear campaign on me. Apparently, asking to be cared for the same as I cared for her is abuse, and I need to be punished for demanding it or leaving her… I am still getting the silent treatment after a week, and we were married 4 years! I refuse to ever trust her again, but a freaking hey would be nice to know that I am not going to have to destroy her name as well. Tbh, I’m already planning a character assassination for family court. I know she is doing the same, and I have a much deeper pocketbook than her. Nevermind that she has pissed off half her family… Psycho bitch literally did a number on me… I am done dealing with her crazy, but I have a feeling that my 4 or 5 year divorce is going to be a long ride…
I have been with a woman with BPD for 16 years. She was 18 and I was 22. The first year was great. We worked very well with each other. We moved away from our home town due to a job I took. She was needing a job, but did not own a car. I was paying all the bills and could not afford to purchase another car. Her parents told me that she was my responsibility since she lived with me. They would not co sign for her until she moved back home. I quit my job and moved closer to home so maybe they would help her. But to my disappointment, they still would not help her until she came home to live. I was so involved and wanted to meet her every need, I started taking night classes to become an engineer so I could provide for her needs. I came in from work and she met me at the door with her bags packed. I was devastated. I could not understand how her and her family could do this to me after I was working 10 to 14 hour shifts to meet her needs. I gave in and we both moved back home with our parents so she could work and get a car and I was driving to college. I was determined to get a degree to make us both a life and we could be happy. This was in the second year of our relationship that I caught her talking to an older man. Her younger sister told me about him and what was going on. I confronted her on this and she said she would never do it again. Later at her job, she had her stomach to burst and had to be med flight to a hospital for emergency surgery. Her younger sister told me that she was abusing Excedrin for the caffeine and energy it gave her so much, it ate a hole in her stomach. The dr said she was lucky that she did not get infected bad and died. She told me about it when I was staying in the room with her and she quit taking them. I was still going to college taking night classes and her younger sister told me she was taking bronchaid so much that she was borrowing money from her just for gas to get to work. I confronted her about it and she got mad and blamed me for why she had to take the pills to make herself feel good. She then went out and started cheating on me with another man. This time, we stayed apart for a month. She then started trying to make contact with me over texts, phone calls, and driving by my friends house where I was. Again, we got back together. She later lost her job for forging names to buy the bronchaid as it requires a signature to purchase it. It is now limited due to being an active ingredient in meth. I transferred to a university to finish up my degree and she came with me. She was working everyday and I was going to college everyday. She never paid one single bill. I asked but she would never do it. I figured out she was still buying the bronchaid. When I would say anything about it, she would say that there was nothing bad about it and she could be doing harder illegal drugs. Two years went by and she said she could not take being in an apartment and working. I knew what was coming. I told her to go home if she wanted to. She did and told everyone that I kicked her out. She went home and was around her older sister. Her older sister is like the mother hen and my ex did whatever her older sister told her to do. My ex started talking to a guy in a wheelchair from another state. I don’t have anything against handicapped people but it was just odd. I learned from her younger sister that my ex was starting to become an alcoholic like her mother. Anyway, I got the guys phone number and called him up. He quickly figured out who I was and I could hear his girlfriend in the back ground. That relationship between him and my ex ended. During my final year, my ex got pregnant and we were expecting. In the back of my mind, I had doubt the baby was mine, but I was not going to abandon her or the baby until I knew for sure. I graduated and took a job five hours away from home and brought her with me. She gave birth to a boy who I love and cherish to the full extent of my heart. Me and my family was raising the boy and my mother would not let it go to have the child checked for dna. This is when the home kit first came out. I did the swab and got the results…..he was not mine. I was hurt again as this was supposed to be our first child. We broke up for a few months and she was keeping in contact because of the baby. The real dad of the baby never showed up or wanted to claim him. I took her back because I was worried over the childs future. All this time, she was not working and was drinking heavy and taking bronchaid and now Primatene. Anyway, we lived together for 3 years at this job and I claimed the baby and I raised him and bought him whatever he wanted just as he was my own. I was raised this way that babys do not ask to be born, but they do need love and to be taken care of. During those 3 years, I tended more to him than her. She slept most of the day and stayed up at night drinking and staying on myspace or facebook. The baby slept with me every night. I watched over him every chance I got. I did the laundry most of the time and I worked an engineering job that required me to travel and believe me, it was tiring and trying. I loved the girl and I loved the boy so much, nothing else mattered. The boy has a temper and when he would get mad, he would hold his breath and pass out. This was scary and the dr. kept telling us that he would grow out of it. Well one night, he held his breath and did not come back. I had to take him from her while she was holding him and blowing in his face and I placed him on the floor and had to breathe for him twice and he finally came back screaming. By that time the ambulance got there and they checked him out and said he was ok. He would not be quiet until I was holding him instead of her. After three years, I had sickness in my family and had to move home. We lived in a house that my mother owned and I worked a simple job as a car painter and bodyman. During this time, my ex had gotten so bad on alcohol and pills she was sleeping all day and the baby was wandering around the house. She never hardly slept with me. She said I snored and when she did sleep with me, I was woke up at night with her hitting me telling me to stop snoring and turn over. I came home one day to find her passed out on the couch and the boy who was 4 now wanting something to eat. I woke her up and told her that she had to straighten up. This was not going to work. She went off in an angry rage and dragged the boy into the bedroom by the arm and while he was trying to eat. I told her to let him go and she took him into the bedroom and locked the door. I went to the door and asked her to open the door. I could hear her calling the cops and was telling them that I was attacking her and making false accusations. She opened the door when she got off the phone and I called my parents to come down because of what she did. The cops showed up and she started telling them that me and my parents were attacking her. The cop looked at us sitting on the couch and shook his head. After he talked to her and me. He told me that she was drunk and was on some type of drug by a sobriety test he gave her. Social workers were called and it was a big mess. She had to leave and they gave me temp custody of the boy. The boy could not talk due to her taking those pills while she was pregnant. She later told me she did after promising me not to. I took the boy to speech therapy for over a year and now he can talk very well. I was told if she cleaned up, to let her come back and be a family to the child so he would not be hurt. Anyway, I did all of this and in the process, I lost my job due to no help from her trying to raise the child. I was out of work for a year and was living with her and the child. She barely stayed there. She would sleep there on the couch and sometimes in the bed with me and the boy. She stole my debit card and drained my bank account, at which point, I told her she had to leave and live somewhere else. She did and hated me for that. She still brought up the boy almost everyday for me to see while she finally got a job as a housekeeper. I finally got a job and had to move away. She was mad but said it was ok. I told her that I would take care of her and the baby because I love them both and I still do to this day. After a week of me being gone, she starts seeing a man that is 12 years older than me and who does not work and stays at home with his mom. He is 46. Now after 6 months of this, she has cut all ties with me. I cannot see the boy who I have raised from birth. She has him almost brainwashed against me the last time I got to see him. I have to call and text for two weeks just to see him one day out of a weekend when I drive in to see him. She don’t want to be with me anymore right now she says. I have asked her to tell me to stay away and give me closure, she wont. Her and her family still call my family numbers and leave messages just to let us know someone else is taking care of the boy. She called me in 4 months ago and slept with me the whole weekend, only to tell me off and how bad I was the following week once I was at work again. She fully hated me at first and now she tries to talk when she wants to. The boys real father is trying to come back and take the boy. The real father is on drugs and has 4 other kids by two other women. Life with her was like walking on thin ice all the time. I could never say anything right or the way she wanted to hear it. I am to blame for all her problems she says. I have never done drugs nor will I do drugs. She was sexually abused by her family when she was young. She has cut herself. She has attempted suicide by overdosing. She has been in trouble with the law over dui. Now her younger sister has started on the pills and I cannot get a good word from her. Her older sister has been in jail for drugs. She is living with my ex and has other ex cons as boyfriends around. Her older sister is an envious person. If my ex had anything better than her, then she would steal it or take it. She has always tried to bring my ex down to her level. My ex has pulled a knife on me saying she was joking. I walked off and out of the house. Now explain to me why do I still have feelings for her. I have tried to hate her but I cannot keep that feeling. I have had a rough relationship and I feel ashamed for staying all this time. Its embarrassing looking back at it and how I took all of the abuse. There is a two page laundry list of things she has done to me out of spite and anger. I never understood why and always I was to blame until I started reading on BPD. I do have a sense of hope now, knowing that maybe part of it wasn’t my fault. Its like she is not wanting to be with me, but wants to hurt me all she can everyday to make herself feel better and to keep me waiting in case this older man leaves her. Please explain this to me.
Robby, I’m so sorry for all you have been through. It’s very difficult to comprehend how it’s possible to give so much and have someone only want to hurt you in return. The only thing I can tell you that might help you understand what happened is to say that people cannot help but assume that others see the world in the same way they do. I know that to you it makes perfect sense to protect and nurture the ones you love and to try to make their lives better. But there are so many people out there who truly believe that everyone is out to get something over on others.
My guess is that you may have believed that deep down she was just like you and wanted love, and that’s why you stayed despite clear evidence that she was not like you. And I could also guess that she believed deep down that you were just like her and didn’t care about anyone but yourself and that’s why she hurt you even though you proved over and over that were weren’t like her. I know that no understanding is going to take away the pain you went through. But I hope you are able to find some peace and can look forward with some hope for the future.
I’ve read everything I possibly could on bpd on the internet since I believe that’s what my ex had your site describes my situation perfectly after reading it I feel the best I have in 2 hrs can’t thank you enough
Jon, I am so glad this blog has been helpful to you.
HI , I have just been diagnosed with BPD and I’m devastated at what I have just read, I can relate to so much of it. I simply didn’t know.
jane
Jane, in getting a diagnosis and treatment you are doing what so many men wish their partners would have done since this condition is truly treatable. I think it will be helpful for those reading to hear that you care about your effect on others. Many of them would have wanted to hear this from their partner. Thanks for your comment and I wish you the best in your healing.
Reading through your blog has helped me understand the situation I’m currently going through. I’m currently involved with a BPD woman who has been devaluing me for approximately 6 weeks now. I’m determined to work things out with her, but it really doesn’t feel very promising, and this devaluing period seems to be getting worse instead of better with time.
Your blog makes me think that it may very well be the tactics I’ve been using over this timeframe that may be contributing to the long period that has been extremely painful to go through. She was diagnosed early and disclosed it to me at the beginning of the relationship. When things were great between us I didn’t think to research the topic, it was only after she started to push me away that I started attempting to learn about these phases. She has consistantly told me that with patience she will bounce back at least until the next episode, but I’m losing faith that will happen. 6 weeks is a long time and I see no end in sight. I’ll be sure to keep looking for updates to your site. Thanks for putting this information out there.
Rob, I’m sorry to hear this is happening. The problem with women who are being treated for their BPD is that they have a hard time comprehending what it feels like to their partner when they being devalued. They imagine it’s possible for their partner to just not take it personally. But sadly, the behaviors involved with devaluing have a devastating effect on romantic partners, and it’s very unlikely that a partner can live through these periods of devaluation without psychological damage.
It is possible to teach a partner with traits of BPD to regulate her emotions through a series of techniques, and I have made available a workbook on my website that takes partners through these steps. But I only recommend these methods for women with very light traits of BPD or partners in long-term marriages who have children or those facing financial consequences to divorce. Women in treatment for BPD tend to have unhealthy desires to be in romantic relationships before they are ready based on a compulsion to have needs they should be taking care of themselves fulfilled by another person. But because the psychological toll these relationships have on partners is so severe, I can only advise you to leave the relationship until your partner has learned the skills in treatment that allow her to resist devaluing behavior.
I ended a relationship a few months back because her severe trust issues and extreme mood swings within the relationship and how she perceived me as a boyfriend and a good person. I’ve read what I could about BPD and never even considered the possibility and now am 100% convinced that it was a dominating aspect of her and then of the relationship. In hindsight it makes me sad that I never really understood the struggles she endured and probably spent more time scoffing at her completely irrational accusations and provocations.
We started a long distance relationship when I met her and was unfortunately moving a week later. At first it was great, she warned me she takes a little time to trust someone, but when you see zero improvement after 3 years without a reason for her to doubt, it does wear you down. But it was also hard to talk with her about the things that bothered me as she became extremely defensive and flat out lied to me about the things she said/accused me even though they were there in text form. I also noticed how important it was for her that public perception saw us as happy and healthy. It doesn’t matter how irrationally mad she got, if there were people around, it was all smiles and sunshine. I had told her time and time that when things were great she immediately pushed away emotionally and I never knew why. She even told me that something in her head just obsesses over finding red flags when things seem too good to be true. I could only support and reassure so much. I couldn’t do the work for her and especially in a long-distant relationship, she had to work harder at dismissing wandering thoughts of ill-will. It got increasingly more difficult to have any sort of rational conversation with her without being accused of never loving her and mocking her concerns.
It is one of the harder relationships to get over basically because a lot of what you said. When she wasn’t acting out, she was going above and beyond to be pleasing and “dream girl”-like. It’s easy to remember those moments because it’s always nice to look back on someone fondly, especially someone you spent so long with and so intimately. Fortunately her extremely irrational antics post-breakup made it easier to move on, but after a few months, the mourning of the loss crept in and was/is extremely difficult to deal with.
Thanks for bringing up an important point. When you describe your ex telling you that she obsesses over finding red flags when things seem too good to be true, she is describing the doubt that plagues women with traits of BPD. Their obsessive doubts about their own worth are equally matched with their doubts about their partner’s worth. Understanding obsessive doubt can help put one more piece of the puzzle together when trying to find closure from one of these relationships.
Joanna,
Thank you for your articles and blog. Like many of your readers and contributors I experienced the EXACT timeline of behaviors from my BPD ex-girlfriend. It’s now been 14 months (the second time around) and has been a rough ride once again in getting over the relationship. I’m not going to retell the story, because it’s absolutely textbook BPD. Everything happened and all emotions felt just as you and other readers have described. I constantly have to remind myself that the unbelievable attraction was sexual in nature, because take away her occasional kindness, the outstanding sex and her amazing good looks there is NO WAY I would have ever put up with that kind of verbal abuse from anyone. Adding to the difficulty was the relationship that I built with her young daughter (from her tumultuous marriage) and how she stripped her away from me and me from her without getting a chance to say goodbye. Though I do believe she is a really good mom, it was a horrible thing to do to her daughter.
Thanks again for your commitment to helping those effected and providing answers to the many questions those with BPD have left “us” with.
Thank you so much for this article Joanna. My three-year relationship with an intense sufferer of BPD just ended. It’s uncanny, spooky even how many of the behaviors described could have been written about her specifically.
…. and then this “A breakup with a woman who engages in behaviors associated with BPD or borderline personality disorder during a romantic relationship may be one of the more painful experiences a man can go through.” It’s absolutely agonizing having not been able to break through as, not surprisingly from the above, at the beginning of the relationship, I really thought this would be a lifetime partnership.
Reading this has helped tremendously. You talk about treatment in a comment above. I imagine this might be elsewhere on your site. Is this medication or therapy?
Phil, I’m so glad this article was helpful. BPD is a very severe and yet quite treatable condition. The treatment usually recommended teaches them how to transfer their awareness from their primitive emotional processing center to their cognitive processing center. This is the missing step of emotional regulation that the rest of us use daily but that those with BPD are lacking. This treatment is very similar to behavioral modification in that it’s purely mental skill-building.
The methods I teach allow friends, family and partners of people who are emotionally dysregulated to move the individual’s awareness from the emotional processing center to the cognitive processing center using language developed for this purpose. This language does not fix the individual, but it does protect those around them from the negative effects of emotional dysregulation. It can also provide a blueprint for healthy behavior that many individuals choose to adopt once they find as a healthier way to get relief from emotional pain. My method is too complex to describe here, but feel free to download my introduction to the Nicola Method or take a look at my workbook.
I just married a woman that I recently found out was BPD. We seperated a week ago after 10 years of friendship, 7 of those dating, and 4 of them marriage… I couldn’t figure out what was going on! The more I tried to find out what our problem was, the more she got anxious and started becoming a workaholic, arguing, making passive aggressive comments, gaslighting, and eventually just abandoned me… I haven’t talked to her in 5 days now. I was so smothered by her recently, that I didn’t sleep but 2 hrs a night on my 14 hour work days! I’m so heartbroken because I tried so hard to get her to empathize with me, and I just couldn’t figure out what was wrong! The more I noticed her manipulations, the quicker I was let go… I think mine had narcissistic traits as well… I am so confused and she even filed a complaint for CDV on me because she didn’t want to be the one who was ‘crazy’! I seriously have been so depressed because I helped her raise her 2 kids as well.. So now they have been told how evil I am, and I have been cast aside by someone who was my best friend and lover… I haven’t eaten in a month hardly, and I’ve lost at least 50 lbs… On the plus side, I look great… minus the dissociation and PTSD-like feelings… She used to tell me all the time that I deserved better, and I swear she left me to do me a favor in her mind… I think she pressed the charges to make me angry so I wouldn’t chase her even! She intentionally left out the part where she was at fault for pulling out a knife! So I had to tell the cops about it. 🙁 I don’t know what to do and I don’t even know who I am anymore. :'( We have our family beach trip coming up in a week, and I feel miserable!!! I think she left just to hurt me the most right now, and I even have been wondering if she was cheating on me because I can’t trust anything I was ever told now… I wish that people didn’t have to deal with these PDs. It’s so depressing to find out that 10 years of friendship was built on lies and a one-sided relationship. Worst of all, she has trashed me on social media and tried to even turn my family against me! Luckily, my family is actually great, but it was still a huge betrayal. Do these women purposely self-destruct to make you leave? I know I have to divorce her now, but it’s so sad… Her kids looked so miserable during the breakup, but now she’s grooming them to be the same way! I think my wife had NPD as well because she became extremely cruel, and I noticed a sick smile she got when she would ‘punish’ me… I just don’t know what to do anymore… I am worried about losing my job. My family is already gone, and I can’t even work atm without having flashbacks to her kindness or even verbal abuse! The sex flashbacks also kill me… She tricked me for years, and I feel like a dumb ass for falling for it. In the end, she actually used my emotions to play mind games with me until we fought just so she could try to control me more. When I finally stood up to her, she disappeared… She used to always talk about how evil other ppl she used to know were, and I have figured out that it was all projections… It’s like I didn’t even know her after 10 years. At least I’m just 32… if I was in my 40s already, then I’d have been suicidal. We almost had a child together! I just am glad that we had a miscarriage now, as sick as that sounds… I’m an emotional wreck, and I can’t stop from trying to contact her every day I’m at work because I used to call her so much. I felt smothered, but now I just feel dead inside… I thought I would be so happy forever, and these women just leave a trail of destruction in their wake… My friends seriously are in disbelief when I tell them how quick it happened. It was just like that! I asked for a separation for a week to get some space due to her bad habit of yelling at me before I laid down and making me anxious. 3 days later, she barged over and I had to call the police and leave my own house! I noticed that she wasn’t even there when I passed it the other day. These women are heartless and vindictive vampires! The amount of sick delight on her face just disgusted me, but I can’t stop thinking about her! I’m never letting her near me again. That sick woman can rot in hell after this! She won’t even contact me to make the divorce easier because she is just being cruel… I am actually being forced to tell everyone and hire lawyers just to keep her from stealing everything. I took care of her for years, and the more I did, the more she hated me… I saw a lot of signs as time went on, but I had no idea that they could leave and disconnect that quick… I really do feel like I am still in shock… mine was definitely on the narcissistic side. As soon as her ego was fueled enough, she was on to the next guy. I’m thinking of getting a PI to catch her in adultery for me to be able to get rid of her faster tbh. I also have to goto the dr to get an std test because I’m convinced that she cheated on me tbh… I worked so much some weeks that I’m almost positive she had time to do it… idc anymore. I seriously am thinking of just ending it all sometimes. I was depressed with her, but now I’m even more depressed than before!!! What kind of sick human uses their kids as weapons against a loving man? The younger girl thought of me as her father because I raised her since 3 yrs old… I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. Sorry for the novel, but page breaks aren’t that important to me right now… She is already on Facebook trolling for the next victim, and I am having to lock up all my important accounts. I’m thinking she is probably trying to get an order of protection, but it will backfire. She had pictures of bruises from an argument, but she pulled a knife on me! I seriously thought she was going to hurt one of us, so I grabbed the blade of a turkey carving knife, and I ran out to my car! There was blood all over me, and I took off without any shoes on. I was back that night… A month later, I’m even worse off than before. She manipulated me the entire time, and I can’t believe it… She played on all my insecurities and even used my parents’ past against me. What a sick woman. I’m going to have to use the law against her as well, but I hope this CDV charge doesn’t stick. I had witnesses that saw me covered in blood, but the deputy said he would have to see the pics to see if there would be any charges pressed. Guys, stay away from these women if you notice weird passive aggressive behavior or the inability to feel empathy. I should have ran before marriage, but I was too nice a guy. I was just a target to this sick person and you would have been too!
I have been married to a woman for almost 2 years now. After reading this website I am beginning to think my wife has traits of BPD with a combination of NPD. Everything that was on this website has fit my relationship. It was like this was written about MY marriage. Even the descriptions of the Mr. Nice Guy. I feel I have those tendencies to believe everyone is trustworthy.
Long story short, she has lied to me during our marriage, sought out attention of other men (no infidelity, just attention), extreme mood swings when I wasn’t giving her the attention she believed that was needed, led smear campaigns about me, and to top it off she comes from an abusive family. Recently, I have filed for divorce and told her that it was over. She told me she loved me and didn’t want us to divorce. After reading a website about Narsassisstic Personality Disorder it recommended I set firm boundaries and demand transparency. If non of those could be met then leave the relationship. I did and all of sudden she starts cooperating with me. She lets me in on everything. I don’t 100% trust her but there is a small foundation where trust could be built. She even admits her constant need for my attention and that’s why she acted so hurtful towards me. Is it possible to have a happy marriage with a woman with BPD tendencies if she seeks out counseling and is truly remorseful for her previous actions? Or, is this a web of deceit being laid to pull me back into a chaotic marriage for her to fulfill her need for attention? I have an opportunity to continue marriage with a woman I love or keep walking through the exit door to find a more stable companion.
Realistically what you are asking of your wife is that she develop morals and ethics. That’s a very tall order for a person with traits of BPD or NPD who has difficulties tolerating shame in any form even with the most experienced therapist without a tremendous amount of motivation on her part. The fact that she launched a smear campaign is very disturbing. The ever present possibility of pregnancy during this window of time that you are giving her another chance is very real as well.
I would say the chances of her making the kinds of changes you are looking for are very, very low if there is any sort of personality disorder involved. Nice guy types do need to protect themselves from precisely this kind of situation. In my opinion they really do best with other nice guy (girl) types who are truly capable of accepting and giving love.
I have been with a girl for 3 years with BPD, I suspect this is of the severe type , we have broken up 6 times now , I have been devalued , punished , had things said about me … My mate who is a psychologist told me she has PD of some type … I am the nice guy type and I seem to get angry and act out as she plays emotional games with me … Then I get painted black and I am the bad guy for some reason… We have currently broken up for 5 weeks this time around. And she is not talking up me , we broke up on the phone a week before my mother passed and she couldn’t seperate he’d anger for what I said on the phone to my mothers death and didn’t talk to me or turn up to the funeral … It seems if I do something wrong she will punish me and try and manipulate me to fall in line with what she wants … Then she will slowly let me back in … I feel like the biggest loser as I chase so hard after a break up and take blame For everything… She knows me back to front and doesn’t care how much pain she puts me in , I have been told that I am the only one who had the ability to ever ends the relationship officially … I have now convinced her to meet with me this week on Sunday after 5 weeks of being ignored and I am anxious as hell .. As she is predictably un predictable. Since I am always taking blame for all the things that go wrong , she has power over me !!! I love her and I know she has issues and she fits into a few categories NPD, HPD and BPD … How do I talk to her and get her to see I am good guy and I am not horrible mean person ? I am moving OS in 2 weeks and she was supposed to come with me !!! I really don’t want to do this move without her … I have looked after her for 3 years through giving her jobs , making sure I am there for her .. My sister says she is selfish and will never change as she hasn’t been there for me in some important times when I needed her. Anyway I know what I am signing up for and I just want to have one last chance to work things out … Any advice ?? Do you do private sessions??
Stewart, I am going to give you the same advice that anyone who cares about you and I imagine any reader who sees what you have written would suggest. You need to do whatever it takes to leave this relationship. I honestly do not believe that anyone would recommend you stay with someone who is taking advantage of your good nature and mistreating you this way, whether she has a personality disorder or not. Moving away is a valuable opportunity to find the space you need so you can clear your head and get your self esteem back. I’m not taking on any clients right now, but any experienced therapist should be able to help you find the strength to end this relationship and to heal from the crazy-making behavior you have been subjected to.
Hi. I was wondering if you could give me your best guess diagnosis. Over three months ago , my wife of one year moved my daughter out of her room to stay in there for four days( i believe to get me to react angryly which i did and then she played the victim to get away) after staying in her sons for 2 nights, then set me up with a fake pastor meeting to split for a week as she was telling me in front of him and others she hated me, then she went no contact telling others i was a narcissist.before she left i told my daughter she could sleep in my room as she got kicked out of hers , and Emily said she would call the police and say i was sleeping with my daughter, maybe again to get me angry. She seemed to bait me with a few texts of love and sadness and hurt and saying divorce wasnt an option, then as i pursued she tried to slap a harrassment on me. I found out she has done this before, as well as convictions of disordely conduct and another conviction for battery 13 years ago at age 23. In the 9 months before marriage there was one rage episode over chips my kids were eating in the backyard (fear of her daughter getting glutened) and lots of circular arguments that seemed to happen often , few times a wehhak. After marriage there was a rage on our honeymoon where she felt slighted, a rage on my son who didnt want to go somewhere and she said he yelled vs raising his voice(pretty quiet kid) and a rage on me where she threw nightstands threw a wall. It seemed to always be about control and i am strong willed but wouldnt be run over. She once changed the locks on the house with her kids help when mad at me for going out to get away from the drama, told a friend she hated me at the end and wanted to stab me in the neck, throw me in the river and shoot me. She told me she was having bad thoughts and i needed to get her gun out of the night stand, said she had thought of suicide, and seemed to always suck me into arguments, couple times a week. She would mix the chaos with nightly massages and sex. She threw her gun out the front door and bent the scope, hit me , ran at me and knocked me down and threw something and hit me. Broke other things. Seemed to beat me to counselors to smear me first? Projected at the end saying i had mental issues as my npd first wife had told her that. My kids were afraid of her as she was ultra clean and a rigid perfectionist and seemed never happy and i would feel unappreciated when taking her on trips or places as it always seemed to be ruined or have drama. I see her at our sons basketball and she pretends to have never known me and has total control as if i tried to talk to her she would slap another harrassment on me. She knows i am a communicator and believe knows this hurts me. We have not talked for over three months , no closure and split up 7 kids that moved to a new school and home. She made forever promises from beginning to end , mixed with christian covictions and said i was the man she always hoped to meet and the only real man, the only one who made her horny like this , and the only man she respected like her dad. She seemed black and white with people. She did apologize by text and complained by text and seemed like alot of our talking was by text now that i look back. She did say she needed help with anger and properly showing emotions. She tried a few times but when i joined her it seemed like she sabotaged counseling. There is more in a year but thats enough. I do believe that because i was not able to be broken or controlled that she had to get rid of me, or find someone else etc. I did push back and became cutting and critical to her. I have had a hard time being dumped with no closure and probably would have taken her back till recently . trauma bond? She is cute but nothing spectalur . i just loved her. Believe or not i am a guy and single full time dad with his act together , business and pretty good boundaries else where. Needy for love though.
Kevin, it’s not possible or appropriate to even guess at a medical diagnosis for your wife, but I can say that all of her behavior patterns seem to correspond with behaviors of women with traits of BPD. However, this behavior pattern occurs on a spectrum meaning there are many women who engage in these destructive behaviors who are perfectly functional in their everyday life and therefore would not qualify for the diagnosis.
Whether or not she has BPD, your mental and possibly physical health and that of your kids may be in jeopardy when you are around her. It sounds like your boundaries are very strong, but her behaviors are extreme enough that I would suggest you seek counseling to help you navigate through this very complex and potentially harmful process of disengaging from her. Please keep yourself and your family safe.
Thanks for sharing your story. I’m sure many others can relate.
hi nicole. i have been following the scripts keenly and i believe my wife has bpd.she may do something and when you ask her she becomes defensive and denie
s completely.more worse she is never apologetic for any wrong doing.pliz help coz i feel to quit
Stephen, I’m not sure the difficulties you are having are connected to traits of BPD although they could be. The behaviors you describe are very common defense mechanisms that many people in relationships use. They are very destructive to relationships. I would suggest you take a look at my Introduction to the Nicola Method. This is a free publication you can download from the home page of my website that will give you some language that will help you stop these behaviors. I will give you a brief example of how this language can stop this behavior during times when she is clearly wrong but not willing to admit it.
“It sounds like you are saying you believe you have ever been at fault during our marriage.”
If used word for word, this language forces her to stand behind the insinuations she is making. If she claims outright that she has never been wrong about anything in her marriage, then you can clearly see that this person does not possess the skills necessary to be in a relationship. It means they are more concerned with power and control than the kind of support spouses agree to offer each other. Usually this type of language gets the partner to admit that they are capable of fault. If you use it regularly it can stop these negative behavior patterns.
If there are other behaviors that you haven’t described here that lead you to think traits of BPD are affecting your marriage you can download another free publication from my home page. It’s a workbook for partners of women with traits of BPD that can in some cases work to get a partner over their abandonment issues.
If you feel that your partner is emotionally abusive or purposely trying to lower your self esteem you can refer to my four-part blog series on stopping emotional abuse which will give you the understandings and language necessary to stop this behavior. If these methods do not work I would suggest you find an experienced counselor who can help you with the question of whether it is best for you to leave your marriage.
I have read your articles and comments with great Interest and they have been helpful in coming to terms with my own situation. I am based in the UK and have separated from my wife after 24 years of marriage.I fit the nice guy description and my wife has strong traits associated with BPD/BPD. I got to a point where I could not handle the constant criticism and angry outbursts anymore. In the last few month’s I have had rigid conditions attached to intimacy( no intimacy until we move house). Then told a few days later that she would sleep with the next man who showed an interest. I’m sure you can appreciate that that can cause you severe emotional damage. I tales to a man’s advice line and then started reading everything I could find.
Ii was threatened with divorce (wasn’t the first time) and this time after the advice and reading I started to try to find somewhere to stay. Things did not go as planned and iu said that we should sell the house and until then all stay in the house but be reasonable. My wife then had a court order taken against me claiming domestic violence and I was forced from the house. These are all case allegations and I am fighting the order in court. The statement she produced is fantasy and has no basis in truth. She has accused me of physical, emotional and financial abuse which are all unfounded. We have two children one us a grown adult and one under eighteen. I haven’t seen the youngest for a month since I was ordered from the house.
Although I want to be back in my own house, I am worried that even iuf I do achieve thus that the police will be called and I will be accused if physical abuse. The damage campaign is already underway with the original statement and I don’t want further damage caused.
I am considering asking the court that if u do get granted access back to the property that she can only stay if she agrees to treatment via counseling which have to be recorded. Do you think thus is a poath worth rakung
Greg, your story is truly chilling, and I’m sorry to say I have heard it so many times before. This is the worst case scenario for partners of women with traits of BPD. It’s really unthinkable that she would do this. The situation is very serious, and there are very specific steps you need to take in order to navigate through this horrific time. This is the kind of question to pose to a lawyer who has experience with high conflict divorce who can instruct you in how to best protect yourself. Forced treatment for someone who is this far gone is unlikely to work. At this point she has gone way too far in terms of socially unacceptable behavior to be able to find her way back. This is really scary stuff, and my heart goes out to you.
Dear Joanna,
I have broken up with a diagnosed borderline approximately 6 months ago. In those 6 months she has on several occasions usually between the hours of 2 am to 5am or around her current boyfriend’s day job (7 to 5) she was contacting me at first sending suductive/innocent bed with teddy pictures proclaiming that i was still the one and only in her life and I was important to her, then she immediately went cold or distant when she was getting the attention from her current boyfriend from either substance abuse or affection. Just recently I had agreed to meet up with her for a beer (foolish on my part) and it turned into a massive bill of shots and beers. We went out for a smoke together and I expressed a fond memory I had with her which allowed emotional vulnerability at that moment and she immediately became intimate with me (kissing, touching, etc ) I immediately became aware this was wrong even though I had a strong sexual attraction to her for her on demand sexual acts when initiated and pushed her away saying it was wrong cause she was involved with another man. She immediately responded saying they were in an open relationship after I had rejected her so it made me more suspicious of her intents with a possible triangulation tactic to use on her current man. I told her at that point I was done for the night and made up a story that I was expected by a female companion that night that was interested in. She became enraged, said that even though the intent of the original conversation was to meet for a beer she thought we’d make love that night. At this point my own defensive insticts took over and i told her where are you staying tonight? It’s not with me!!! She said drop me off at my boyfriend’s. No prob…. As I was dropping her off she started devaluating her current boyfriend as if maybe an attempt to sway my decision at that point. Only a few days later she sent me several texts and voicemails exclaiming that I was “like a pimple that needed to be poped in her life” I guess the point of my ramblings this post is it was the most painful experience I have ever had from breaking up with this person to the point I ran 8km a day and did heavy lifting to take out the anxiety I was going g though. And I did my homework enough t9 the point to recognize this toxic suffering individual to say no and even now it still hurts and I think about her every day, even in my dreams. I have learned a lot about myself and where I need to improve from my past and why I attracted an individual like this. But it’s tough and no one understands. Fight the good fight and grow as much you can from it.
Dear, what would be your suggestion in terms of being there and offering a help to a girl with borderline traits who complains about suicidal thoughts. We were in a romantic relationship, I was cheated and dumped but we’re still in touch and she always complain how unhappy she is. Is she asking me to do more for her or she’s just giving me what I want to hear? She’s kind of a quiet borderline. Thank you!!!
Citizenn, I’m sorry to say that the work I do only applies to the traits associated with BPD that affect dynamics in a romantic relationships. There are behavior patterns associated with the actual disorder that are so serious and complex that they call for the help of a trained mental health professional. Suicidal ideation is one of them.
Hi, Joanna. I’ve read all your articles. I’m a lesbian and believe my ex has many traits of BPD. She had an extremely abusive childhood with a profoundly mentally ill mother and an alcoholic and abusive father. She functions quite well professionally. After pursuing me and having a lovely and romantic several month courtship, it seemed we had a relationship we both wanted. However, her anxiety was sky high the closer we got. Then she started to find things wrong, things that would not have been worth even mentioning to most people. If I did not agree with her and apologize she would be angry for several days. She was terrified of abandonment and spoke about her parents whom she had cut off as “abandoning her.” Her previous relationship was long term and she spoke of that woman as abandoning her. She told me that she was trying as hard as she could to make room for me in her life but had a very rigid schedule and of course, I interrupted her schedule and pulled on her time. She once said that it felt like she was moving 10o miles while she thought I saw it as moving one inch in terms of making room in her life for our relationship. In my optimism, I thought we could work through this. We fought a lot about her pushing me away and her resentment over my taking her time. I am not a clingy or dependent person, but I also couldn’t fit into her rigid schedule. 16 months later and she has cut me off completely. My question is: Did I make things worse for her? I heard her anxiety and doubt, but didn’t realize it was so profound. She also had cognitive distortions, but only when it came to relationships. For instance, after she broke up with me and I asked her repeatedly to reunite, but to no avail, I said the break up was probably for the best. She then claimed I was the one who broke up with her and I had broken her heart.
It’s clear to me now that she is unable to be in an intimate relationship, and she’s also unable to have a friendship with me, as well. Should I have seen this earlier? What’s my culpability? Is there anything I could have expected from someone with these personality traits? Was I in a relationship with my own optimism? Thanks in advance for any insights or advice.
Heartbroken, I’m sorry you had to go through this, but there was really nothing you could have done to change the progression of the relationship. The difficulty with nice guy/nice girl types when it comes to these relationships is that they are naturally trusting. But we can’t really call this a problem since it would be a pretty sad state of affairs if being trusting was considered a bad thing. After all, as parents we try to nurture our kids in a trusting environment by protecting them from untrustworthy individuals with the goal of raising someone who can openly give and receive love.
So I believe that the answer is not for you to learn your lesson and stop trusting. I prefer that the lesson you learn is that you need to, just as a good caretaker does for a child, protect yourself from untrustworthy individuals. So the lesson learned may be that people who can’t trust others, often those from abusive backgrounds, can be untrustworthy themselves.
So when you hear about an abusive background you can subtly over time vet the person on their past relationships by their history, hopefully with some confirmation by their friends and family. You will find that there are many abuse survivors that do not use defense mechanisms to cope with their pain. These individuals do not put themselves out as needing to be rescued.
Your optimism is a wonderful quality. But your goal might be to find someone else equally optimistic but more importantly someone who is able to back up that optimism with the kind of solid relationship skills that a nice guy/girl already possesses.
I stumbled across this article and all of the related articles by the grace of God, I am convinced. I was in a relationship with a clear cut case of BPD. Though I got out in short order, I find myself doing the reliving of good times things. Captivating, beautiful and intelligent, she’s never far from my mind. I am currently working with a counselor and exploring all of these feelings, but these articles , especially the “nice guy” relationship, was spot on! It blew my mind! It was chapter and verse, as was the push/pull portion.
I am struggling to find a relationship to move on to. But I am also feeling like I need to help her, I feel sorry for her. Logcically, which I am (ISTJ) I know I can’t help her without sacrificing myself, but the undercurrent is powerful. Suggestions before I make a stupid attempt to get back in the cycle with her would be greatly appreciated!! HELP!
Rick, I’m happy to hear the article helped. You’ve certainly done the right thing by finding a therapist at this beginning stage of healing. Interestingly enough, even though the person with traits of BPD’s problems tend to be neurological – the inability to regulate their emotions – the problems they leave their partners with are purely psychological.
This means that any experienced therapist can help you through the process of recovery. The injuries that the person with traits of BPD triggers in partners are old childhood pains which every one of us carries around, no matter how good our parenting was. This fits directly into the area that therapists are trained for.
So even though it may be a very difficult recovery process, because your ex lit up pain from your childhood your therapist will be able to help you see clearly injuries that would otherwise have remained hidden. This means you should actually be in better shape after you heal than you were even before you met your ex.
The feelings you are having of wanting to help her makes sense when you recognize the dual allure that those with traits of BPD project. Their usual MO is not only to draw their love interest in with the accentuated beauty and great perception you mention, but they simultaneously project a powerful SOS call. This call for rescue makes her love interest lower their defenses even further. After all, who could feel threatened by someone who is so weakened and desperate for help.
By cutting your losses early you probably saved yourself some considerable pain which is present when partners have fallen all the way in love. But the pull to reconnect will still be there. It can be helpful to make a plan with your therapist to resist contact, as sometimes having someone who you will be accountable to helps during periods of weakness. Talking to others who have been through it can also be a great help in resisting the pull to reconnect. Great job getting out early and best of luck with the rest of your recovery.
This seems to be such a complex yet obvious problem that ruins lives and families in some cases. Is it worth trying to convince my soon to be ex wife to get help for? If so how does one even approach the issue with such a person?
Laurence, not accepting their behavior as destructive is one of the components of this condition. It’s a Catch 22 where they cannot admit to any guilt, which then makes them unable to examine their behavior and unable to make amends to loved ones. This allows the cycle to continue endlessly. The exception would be if your soon to be ex has expressed confusion or regret or embarrassment over her behavior. In this case it may be worth it to present the idea of emotional dysregulation to her.
Even in this situation it’s probably best not to use the word borderline personality disorder. Emotional dysregulation is what all individuals with traits of BPD must get help for. It’s available through dialectical behavioral therapy or DBT, and one does not need any kind of a diagnosis for this therapy. It is not an emotional therapy, but more of a behavioral modification technique. I wish you the best of luck going forward from this painful situation.
Hello and thank you all, I fell in love quickly with a woman in her first year of sobriety while I have around 11yrs, she was very involved in AA and had told me everything in the beginning about abuse, military PTSD, and almost being diagnosed BPD, she has a 7yr old daughter with a decent ex and 2 4yr old autistic twin boys with violent psycho ex. I am the nice guy, I helped along the way as she was beginning her new life and moving out of her old apartment, she wasn’t driving I helped get her car going again, within a few months my mom suggested she move in with us temporarily to help her, never a clue about the depth of her trauma and no reactions really. We thought about moving out together but I quit a miserable job and she managed to get a safe place for her kids and her. Ever since she moved there things started getting stressful. She continues to try and help her ex despite his constantly going back to drugs, I know he is the father but she always seems to think of helping others when she needs the most help. Once I start staying there soon she starts getting irritated with me about how I can’t help with chores, trust issues over her female friend being over and how she thought I was being overly nice(that’s what her ex would do and cheat on her), but I have never cheated and she says she knows I wouldn’t but still the reactions. She brought up her inability to be in a relationship but here we were already in one? Her telling me I can’t talk to my mom about us in depth and feeling betrayed when I do. We broke up about 2 months ago, with the help of our AA friends talking us through it. After a month of talking and me mostly emotional, we talked about each other needing to work on ourselves and focus on God, God brought us together and she’s truly learned a lot about how someone decent can treat her. She felt we could try again and I moved in one week and had a lot of those little arguments. It is always her that is bringing things up, always her saying I don’t hear her need for space, I don’t listen to her needs yet she pulls me in and pushes me out. I ask what actions I can take to listen, I don’t really get solid answers cause I now believe she doesn’t know. She is always saying her daughter doesn’t listen, she said even her crazy ex used to say he walked on eggshells. She doesn’t know how to handle her emotions and knows it. She had brought up her Bpd again and I finally started connecting things. Still trying to see my need for love as ok, even though I can be a overly romantic person, I begin questioning my motives since she thinks she can’t be the only part of the problem. What if she is? I don’t see her as sick like she often says to her self, but still healing little by little.She is working on herself but I see inconsistency when she constantly goes through AA sponsors never fully able to trust them. One changed plans and I said maybe it’s just miscommunication but she cut her off and stopped talking to her. So about a week or 2 ago we had an argument where after just moving in 2-3 weeks before now she was thinking she couldn’t handle it all. Irritated, doesn’t like suggestions, I brought up couples therapy but she said she needs hers and I might need mine. Ok I’m open minded. We had a fight again one morning after a nice day or two with kids taking pictures etc. That day she said pack your shit, I actually did rather than talk through it, she needs space though I pray it is hard. Now we have been talking and it’s been back and forth, she wants to be friends and I am still wanting more but I truly accept where she’s at. I just feel a need with praying about it to not leave her alone, finally I get to the point where I decide to not text, even though I see her at meetings. I’m decided and bam, later that night she tells me she’s feeling she sees her whole AVOIDANCE of emotions being realized and a weight has been lifted. It’s great and healing for her truly. I think she finally spoke with her old therapist and is getting back into that. I told her fuck it so I went yesterday to see one and felt relieved that I am doing all the right things, it’s just navigating a rough relationship with her trauma I may never fully understand. Even after our talk when she was feeling happy, she said she thinks we r connected for life, she has always said she loves me, she is still clear we can’t be together and I get it. She doesn’t see that I am trying to be supportive to her when I seem to be testing these strange reactions she has which are unpredictable, she then thinks it’s too much that we speak. I love her and have concern, then I pull back and yesterday she asks me to meet for coffee, we do and I am not pushing a relationship I ask her later should I stop by and she reacts again. That morning talking is ok, but then seeing her is not. Ok, I’m not going to her place, not texting, she feels I come on to strong and she hates feeling broken by having to turn me away. I am healthy enough I can sustain my emotions but hers are so sensitive. Praying, being patient and learning more about this, she thought maybe we could be together she loves me with her kids. Just sad to see her words and actions are haywire, she gets angry, she pushes others away. Thanks.
Strange. Pain after my ex gf dumped me 9 months ago was so bad I lost 10 kg in 3 weeks. Had to go to therapy. Has been hell. My therapist told me she was bpd due to the things I told her. Not the raging abuSive type, rather the waif. The helpless, childish, sweet adoring type who one day told me she wasn’t in love anymore and has detached from my body and would never be with me again in a millon years besides informing me she had been in love with a former boyfriend during our 2 year relationship. The feeling of betrayal and loosing her was overwhelming. Thing is when my therapist told me she had bpd traits was like a throwing me a lifesaver. It has not healed me but it has help. I do not know if she really has these traits or is just my mind trying to find some relief for the pain. My longing for her sweet moods and love haunts me. But when i remember how she ended things I fighr between the feeling of love and hatred. It is very hard to conciliate these two aspects. Time and no contact I guess is the way to go. Of course she engaged in a new relationship two months after breakup and has told everybody how happy and in love she is now.
I have a question how do you work through this with a woman that you do love? What is the best approach to helping subdue this behavior?
Donald, you can take a look at my free workbook for partners of people with traits of BPD on the homepage of my website. It will show you techniques you can use to bypass the defenses of this type of individual. Please be aware that the techniques will not work with those who are suicidal, have a tendency to cheat on their spouses or who are chemically addicted. The method works best for those who have a light presentation of behaviors associated with BPD but who would not qualify for the diagnosis.
I’m sorry but is everyone that doesn’t see that women are actually significantly less crazy and in fact more reasonable and accepting and functioning, basically a complete ignorant, moron? Not to see that vindictiveness is the same as revenge and women are merely significantly more creative and intelligent than men and ensure they are satisfied or “get even” via means that don’t typically involve getting themselves locked up or incarcerated for the remainder of their lives, unlike their inferior counterpart, the male species who are responsible for the majority of dangerous crimes with victims of murder and assault. Men lack the capability or strength to move past their initial anger; hence, typically non-premeditated but even if premeditated, lacking in thought and awareness, whereas women, we will wait and seethe and plot until the opportune time comes to seek justice; however, had men just merely apologized in an actual seemingly real demeanor and conveyance, I guarantee the majority of the time, all would be forgotten and forgiven and no means of vengeance would have occurred, women are the creators and givers of life and the empathetic, loving, maternal, world preservation seeking species after all.
I am nearing 2 months into my break up. Just starting to pick myself back up. From my therapy sessions to research online, including your writing, I am more at peace now than all the days leading up to this. We started off intensely, I had never lived with any women before, had always pushed them away when the time of that question would come along. After 1 month, she asked me to move in and without hesitation I said yes. Sex as all pointed out was incredible. The way she would build me up, it was just as incredible if not more. 4 years we were together. Last 6 months were hard, and I had been working to launch a business for nearly 2 years. Delays took a toll, and I had always tried to reassure her whenever she felt vulnerable or insecure, that our current circumstances were the main problem and she is just stressed.
Over time, she started to show variety of different behaviors: always asking to be touched, belittling her self worth, accusing me of constantly not understanding her, multiple self harming acts, roller coaster ride of depression to happiness within minutes to hours apart, conflicting messages from “I can’t wait to marry you and spending the rest of our lives together,” “I’m sorry, I feel like I have abused you, I will do better and I cannot forgive myself,” apologizing to my mother for not showing me enough love, for failing to translate her commitment of love into actions towards me, for not protecting me enough to her parents (who she claims they held her prisoner, when I asked are you sure I’m not the cause? She repeatedly would answer no. I was truly worried about her.)
It is important to point out, her parents were supportive and I am grateful to this date for how they helped us financially during the launch of our business (I still say ours because I launched the business which peaked her interest and liking, I had no idea about the industry I was diving into) to create a platform for her to pursue her dreams and aspirations, to create stability and security for us to marry and to start a family. When first starting the business, we anticipated 6 months we’ll be ready to go, I was foolish to think that, it became 1 year, it became 1 year and 6 months.
It took precisely 1 year 7 months and 15 days… during parts of that phase, her family and my family both helped us financially. My family never lost the sight of what I was working towards, her family started to have doubts, built resentments, and optics to start manipulating her that I would leave her when the business launched. To this date, my website addresses the odes and dedication of the company to two most important women in my life: my mother and my ex, who I still have trouble calling as ex. To jump back to where I had left off, she apologized to my mother for being less supportive as time went on.
She realized her family was being controlling and manipulative, at least for a moment. I was forced to move out of the condo we had lived together for 4 years, just days before our launch. She started to have panic attacks on the daily, she was getting more and more aggressive towards her self harm and suicidal tendencies, she was physically ill with shingles and other illnesses, she mentioned many times before her family had borderline personality disorders (her sister being one who constantly went through abusive relationships after another), she talked down and negative about her parents, I would often try to tell her they just care about you.
I tried to hold no grudges for their actions because I always felt bad for making everyone around waiting for the business to launch, I was also showing signs of depression as it got harder and harder, but we were just 5 days away from launching when all hell broke loose. Once I was out of there, her family started to wedge themselves between her and I, telling her I was no longer allowed to come near the condo, even though she had reciprocated she was committed to me, this led to her asking me to elope, which I told her it’s important to show patience so that I can be respectful towards your parents, and I didn’t want to wedge myself as they have between us. I wanted them to like me, approval was important because I value my family, and I know even though her parents were abusive towards her, she loved them and driving them apart I would not have felt right.
We fought over text messages, just the night before, she was apologizing to me for her continued ups and downs, I told her it’s okay, I am also suffering too though, let’s be positive for one another. She would say I’ll do better. Next morning we had the text argument. I had endured a lot of abuse from her parents where denigrating messages were sent to me over few months, they constantly made it seem as if what I was doing was using and exploiting my relationship with her, which couldn’t be further from the truth… as we didn’t live together anymore, her view started to shift towards her parents, the optics switched from, “I’m so proud of you, you work so hard, I believe in you” to blaming me for financial issues we faced in the end.
I had always taken the time to thank her family and her and reminding them through the progress where we were in terms of the business, to show them the commitment I have and to express why I was doing this: to create security and stability for their daughter. She helped the business financially and with her knowledge, I couldn’t be here without all of her contributions. But when the switch got flipped, it was over like that. I expressed how I felt, about what her parents had said over time to me and to her about me. I had felt a little resentment because we were just days away from finally finishing the last step.
I couldn’t believe a person that gave me the biggest support, faith, and belief, started to accuse me of lying and how I only failed to live up to all these promises. I felt awful about myself, because I felt like the wait was hard, delays took a toll, and I blamed myself for not living up to some promises made, but all of them were to be fulfilled once the business launched, as I planned on proposing to her on the final day of the launch! I bought an engagement ring, carried it around, to surprise her for weeks leading up to this, I wanted to show her parents that “business is ready, I am ready to take care of your daughter” when I presented the ring to her.
That time never came. That night, wanting to make amends, I went to go retrieve my business and personal mails from her house, she went on to call the cops. She said I had scared her to the police. How things can turn so drastically, I still have trouble grasping the reality. In the state I live in, one person has to be arrested in a domestic dispute, even when non-violent confrontation. I was arrested. When I came out, she had blocked me on every avenue, from phone to social media sites. I was heartbroken. I have never been violent with her, I was the one calming her down when she would break things, create a hole in our bathroom wall, self inflicting acts of smacking her head over and over again, I would often have to just hug her and hold her to stop her from harming herself… throughout our relationship, I would often send or bring flowers to her as romantic gestures, as apologies, holidays, etc.
Without further reasoning on why the sudden blocking and break up, it started to drive me crazy as I worried for her safety and our relationship. We’ve had much worse arguments and never were the cops called before, never were we over. This time was much different. I sent her flowers and finished products from the business which we worked very hard on as a couple, this in return got me a call from the police one evening. I learned that there was a restraining order out against me, and they started to accuse me of violating the order with knowledge. Here’s the kicker: I was never served nor did have any knowledge, up until when her sister threatened and berated me over a text message, after I had already sent packages. Next day, I went into the police station as they asked me to come in, I was naive to think I was just going into show them a receipt of when the flowers were ordered.
I was arrested based on what her sister’s text said and next thing I know, I’m back in jail again. This time for days. When I came out, I learned police were going to my place of business, my mothers house, my business partners to try to serve me of the order. While I was in jail. After I bailed out again, at this point I’d like to point out, I lost my place of residence, I had just placed my purchase orders to fulfill the orders for the business launch and inventory, and had to spend every last cent I had to retaining a lawyer. 2 weeks later, just days before court date, I received a letter from the DA, (my lawyer pointed out that this entire case should and will get dismissed based on no lawful service of the order), the statement written by my ex: I come home from a good day, only to be scared and stalked by my ex with unwanted flowers and parcels.
I was now being vilified for showing remorse and gratitude from a woman I planned devoting my life to, the same woman why I started this business to create stable life for us, the same woman who apologized to my mother just days before calling the cops on me (until my court hearing, I thought the neighbors had called not her). I was in complete shamble. I was hooked to a gps monitoring. Instead I was in and out of jail, I was broke, when I should’ve been celebrating with her, proposing to her, paying off our debt to her family (my family didn’t help to dangle the help over our heads, still do not ask for anything in return), I was in for $6250 in legal fees, bail, and etc. I still couldn’t believe she was doing this.
I lived in constant self doubt, blaming everything on myself, repeating the process in my head over and over again, covering up for anything she had done wrong as I love her and I can overlook her wrongs and flaws, but being completely remorseful for my mistakes or for anything I could’ve done better, as any normal person would during the grieving process of a break up and losing someone who I really thought and still view as “the one”. I tried to make contact with her via mail, as I wrote each night since we were split apart, updating her about the business and it’s performances, and progress. Also pointing out my wrong doings whether knowingly or unknowingly, and trying to make amends.
Each letter showed progression, of me as a person and the business we had worked so hard on. I have not heard back, since the case has been dismissed, I have been seeking therapy to help cope with my ptsd, and to help my self esteem as I still do suffer from the fallout. I’ve learned she was suffering from BPD, I’ve learned she has been on a smearing campaign, about me and the business, her family joined as well. I have since tried to make amends with her parents to ask if I can send my payment for the debt to them, giving them a heartfelt letter, they gave me the cold shoulders. I have also learned, she is now blaming me for everything bad in her life, from her neglect of paying her medical bills and student loans. She has actively tried to denounce me and calling me an abusive person to one of my employees, when she didn’t receive that, she threatened her, writing a social media post about my business in a bad manner, and proceeded blocking her.
I only learned about this just days ago, while I was engaging in a chat over with the employee, who is also my friend, who is also helping me through the process of my suffering. I have also learned she may still be pressing more legal charges after me, she has claimed I physically abused her stating an incident where she was causing self harm and all I did was refraining her from doing so. As I still go through what I can only explain as confusing, I am learning that the woman I loved and still love and care for, is suffering with a very complex mental disorder.
Most people ask me how are you not upset? How are you not resentful? If I were you i’d be like I’m done. Well, they haven’t endured what I had to go through, how my business is a daily reminder of why and who I started this for. It has been an incredibly challenging time of my life, as I’m just getting my foot underneath me, and now I live in perpetual fear of what can happen next and wondering for my safety and being labeled as abuser, a stalker, a liar by the person I truly care for. I think it is important for me to recognize my mistakes and faults, I do, and I’m sorry to her and her family, I don’t blame them for anything, but I also should stop blaming myself for everything.
I made myself to believe I had someway abused her, as the legal system labeled me as, my background check now affected and has arrest records, and even through all of this suffering I cannot seem to be upset with her. My therapy sessions have taught me that I am not an abuser, my shortcomings do not define me as one, but my actions to live up to everything I had promised shows my intentions were clear and well, but also learning that you cannot make someone believe something if they refuse to believe. It has been the most difficult thing I’ve had to endure and still am enduring. I only wish she would just stop this, as I only wish her the best. I want to be with her, even with all I’ve said above about what I’ve gone through this relationship and after.
I hope I can move on from this feeling one day, as I now have a better understanding of what I’ve gone through and what she’s going through. Today was the first time I was able to see myself in a mirror again, for the last 2 months, I have had such negative view of myself and so much blame, I was really beginning to think I was a monster that all these people and authorities portrayed me to be. Today, I saw the real reflection: I am just a victim with a broken heart.
I have made 0 contact with her for 4 weeks, and am just focusing on myself preservation at this point because I just can’t allow people around me to suffer anymore watching me suffer.
I have also learned through a friend, she was on a dating site just less than 2 weeks after our break up. I couldn’t imagine being with anyone else but her still, I explained it as she didn’t have too many friends when I met her, and therefore she was probably on there. I seem to keep justifying her acts as okay. I still do not like when I hear things said that are perceived bad about her, because I still care and love this woman.
I’m not sure if I’m codependent, I never was before this relationship. I was way too independent if anything prior to this. I struggle as I write this, with a glimmer of hope in the back of my mind that maybe I’ll be back with her one day. It’s important to point out, that glimmer of hope was taking over the entire real estate of my head and my heart just few weeks ago, I have slowly refrained myself, but it is hard if not seems impossible still for me to just remove her altogether.
I wake up constantly covered in cold sweat, dreaming about her night after night. I struggle with the thought that she was able to flip a switch on me and move on, while I cannot seem to find a switch even though I’m desperately looking for one. Is this normal? To feel inadequate even after the pain? Feeling insecure? Feeling like all hope is lost or that my world has completely fallen apart? When I told her forever, I still stand by that, where when she said it back to me, I cannot see how she can inflict this much suffering for me to endure. I justified all of it for so long as my wrong doings, that I deserve this suffering because, I felt responsible for her split. I felt like I had neglected her. I failed her.
Even though the business is successful, I get saddened when we make progress because it reminds me of her, i catch myself missing her, feeling guilt or wrong if I celebrated without her being here. I am ashamed of myself as I feel like I project my current state to my friends, catching myself venting and apologizing because I understand my friends and family, they also have their own issues in their lives. Thankfully, many of them have been supportive and responsive in a positive manner, showing me much understanding through what I still feel like a roller coaster ride even though I am no longer with my ex, but still going through the same turbulence in my life with legal issues and much more.
I almost wish I can be angry with her, so that it would allow me to move on, but I honestly have nothing but love for this woman. It’s pain I feel more than any suffering I’m enduring or could potentially still face. Is this part of the power and control she still holds over me? Is this still part of the fallout of being someone with BPD? As a person who tries to follow through his words by actions, I struggle still to have a clear view, because my actions seem to have no weight at all just as my words hadn’t in the end. This relationship gave me so much hope and now it’s created problems in my life that I hadn’t faced before, mentally and emotionally, financially and even physically. And I just keep telling myself, she is suffering, she can’t quantify how hurtful her actions are to me and my loved ones.
She had tremendous respect for my family, they are now suffering with me, because they loved her as our own. All I wonder is if she’s okay, because the state that she was in when I last saw her was truly worrisome. I wonder if she misses me, but by her actions it tells me loving or missing may not even be in the equation. I really hope I can get over this, for now it all seems impossible even though I am improving, if I am being honest, it is still just as painful as it was when it first happened. Everything I believed in and lived for is like being taken away in a blink of an eye, and it has been.
I have a question that really bothers me as I feel guilt.
For the past 6 weeks I was thinking of a way to end the BPD relationship (that included cheating and violence) in a way that she can not do any harm.
I came up with a plan, indirectly pushing her to someone new she can break and yesterday I was able to end the relation without any physical damage.
Now I feel bad for the new guy. I don’t know him personally but I feel very guilty as it is for sure not his fault.
Should I warn him what he is getting into or will he not listen in the love bombing stage that he might already experience now? Hard to explain but I feel like I passed a disease to someone else.
Michael, please seek help if you are wanting revenge or if you are contemplating any form of violence.
Hi after reading your article and knowing what I know about BPD I am nevertheless destroyed by my marriage to a woman who is a classic example of this problem. My life is gone and I have no way to recover. I know now I enabled her to control me and the marriage. I am old school “for better or for worse” I just put my head down and marched on, until one day I just had a moment (cannot tell you why) that I gave up. I just could not drag myself through our marriage anymore. I was in such an unhappy place, Lost my friends my world reduced down to the size of a thimble.
I filed for divorce and I am a mess. We were married 25 years. I have no family now, no sons or daughters because I agreed not to with her. I never understood the terrible gen pool she came from until it was too late. Now my life is gone with no possibility to rebuild it or ever have a son or daughter as I always wanted. My sadness is beyond description. I threw away my life and I will never forgive myself for doing it.
Richard, please understand that the feelings of devastation that you are having are what almost every person who experiences a breakup with someone with traits of BPD goes through. This doesn’t mean your pain or the reasons you feel you are having it are not relevant. But it does mean that you can come out of this pain and emerge whole. Your internal self understood that this situation was damaging for you. And this is why you left the marriage. It was to salvage yourself. It was absolutely necessary.
Even people who have only been with one of these individuals for a few months experience terrible pain and may need outside help to recover. This can be therapy if you have it available or spiritual help if you have that available in your community. Reconnecting with extended family and friends is crucial after being isolated as these individual so often do with their partners. I would also recommend an on-line forum for ex partners of people with BPD. All of these forms of reaching out for help will act as an antidote for the pain you are feeling.
It is possible to have a family very late in life. And there are also many forms of family out there in the form of people who need support and care or mentorship. One of the best forms of healing for someone who feels the grief of loss is to give back to others in need. It’s a long journey, but you can come out of this whole.
I am a survivor at the hands of someone who I thought loved me but is probably ubpd, and I know I cannot diagnose her only describe her behaviors. When we first met I had gone through a nasty divorce with three children involved and left the military at the same time after being medically retired she told me all about her ptsd and tbi and sexual abuse past. Vi know I trauma bonded with her and felt listened to and validated. Fast forward five months later we found out she was pregnant. She immediately left for the entire pregnancy to NC I live in CO. She contacted two weeks before the baby was born for whatever reason, I responded. I got to travel to see our daughter and she planned on moving back. Five months later we moved close to each other and she domestically violence me and drove drink with kids in the care. I called the police and she was arrested. I lost my daughter for six months and fought to get back in her life and keep that relationship. Fast forward she had court mandated batterers course, supervised probation and never really understood my pain or wanted to make amends or change behaviors even two years later. I told her we needed couples counseling she agreed after the counseling session she canceled all the other sessions without letting me know. Now she is claiming I am the worst person worst than the person who sexual abused her as a kid. Its awful I have one child on the way with her and feel used, exploited, unloved, and humiliated. I felt like she made me feel like the perpetrator of dv and I suffered more consequences than she has. Currently she moved back with her parents basement at 35 with two children one mine other not and our child in the womb. I am in therapy for my self to heal dv but don’t know throw to parent with someone with ubpd.
I’m so sorry to hear your story. Sadly I’ve heard it many times before. It’s very tragic when children become involved. I’m glad to hear you are in therapy. Taking care of yourself is the most important thing here. Eventually children in these situations do recognize the love and concern of the nonBPD parent. And you will be able to make a difference in their life even if it is only as a role model to them in comparison to the BPD parent.
Hi Joanna, I echo many of the comments and sharing that I’ve read about BPD on your website. Thank you. My question, if you are able to provide additional perspective, is for you to explain to me In more detail how the ‘neediness’ of the BPD person is so ‘invisible’ to most people. In my case, (as the classic ‘caretaker’ male) I’ve experienced a lot anxiety and emotional instability as a result of the ‘distress signals’ I pick up from my BPD. Yet to the rest of the world, she is probably one of the most successful, outgoing, personable, likable, and might I add beautiful, women. And as a result, most people can’t understand what the heck I’m even saying because she comes across as anything but crazy. It’s almost like she only acts that way with me when no one is watching. I hope I’m making sense here. I would greatly appreciate your thoughts.
The woman with traits of BPD will do whatever it takes to avoid humiliation. So she is not going to come across in public as a basket case if she can help it. However, in private they will fall apart. And if you are their romantic partner you will be the one picking up the pieces. Many partners of individuals on the spectrum of BPD have a very difficult time convincing friends and family of the truth about their partner.
The individuals that do come across as unstable in public have extreme traits that may make them dysfunctional enough in their everyday lives to qualify for a diagnosis of BPD. Those that can hold it together in their everyday lives are somewhere on the spectrum of BPD but do not qualify for the diagnosis. And the reason those merely on the spectrum rarely get help is actually because they are capable of keeping it together in public. They are caught in a Catch 22. Unless they are very young and have not yet amassed too many layers of guilt and shame over their negative behaviors, they will have a very difficult time showing their shameful tendencies to a therapist.
HI there everyone,
I just want to thank all of you for the information you provide in this blog. I am 3 days out of a relationship with a GF diagnosed with BPD. Many of the comments here and certainly the core blog information resonates a great deal with me. I personally struggle with the fact my now ex GF is not aware she has this diagnosis. She also struggles a great deal with an eating disorder and her doctor has chosen not to tell her about the BPD for fear that her eating disorder will spiral out of control. Her doctor told me about the BPD as she knew I was struggling with the relationship and she encouraged me to look after my ex GFs two girls rather than focus on the relationship. I am hurting a great deal with the loss of someone I love regardless of her diagnosis and on top of this, I’ve lost two beautiful girls that mean the world to me.I am concerned about her girls and the impact their mom will have on them. She is already into another relationship that on top of me leaving the home, has been devastating for the girls. Please continue to share information as I find it helpful in restoring my sanity although I believe this is going to take a great deal of time to recover from. Thanks to you all and I’m so sorry you all have had similar experiences.
Andy, I’m so sorry to hear about your situation. The doctor is truly doing the right thing, as saving her life through healing the eating disorder is crucial at this time. Because what’s causing her eating disorder is so tied in with her BPD, she may end up getting the help she needs to recover eventually. But the biggest tragedy in these relationships are the children. I hope it helps to recognize that the positive impact you have had on their lives will stay with them and will help them get through these very difficult times.
Of course I realize I cannot diagnose someone else, but given what I know of my ex’s background and some of the characteristics that I observed, I feel confident that she is a person with BPD. I have had an off-and-on relationship with her for about five years – with the last ending initiated by me a few months ago. This time we were more committed than ever before – but I was the one who ended the relationship (it was long distance and I just never felt confident enough to believe that it would last once I moved). Is it normal to feel numb after a break-up? All of the other times it has been really difficult to move on after breaking up, but this time I just feel no emotion whatsoever. If anything, I feel guilty because I feel nothing. It is as if all of the emotion just got sucked out of me.
Any reaction you might have would be understandable from a BPD breakup. And it makes sense that you finally have fully resolved that this relationship is over. This may be a very positive way to end it for you. You may have found your closure during all of your other attempts with her.
Dear Joanna,
Thank you for all the information and for responding to questions here. I did meet someone while on vacation where all the BPD stories match all too well: soulmate-like connection, strong attraction, intense sexuality, impulsive behavior, strong abandonment anxiety that leads to her breaking off contact, insecurity, her telling me she never felt that way for someone else, I’m the only one who understands her, very jealous, distrusting, trauma, high intensity etc. I’m a typical nice-guy, all of that.
But, she is also very open about those insecurities or whether she has BPD (she is not diagnosed but wants to look into it). The communication and her behavior also has improved tremendously in a pretty short period of time where she now just talks openly about how she is feeling and her fears instead of acting out. She is also very sweet and caring with me and shows great respect and understanding for my feelings and reflects and apologizes if I point out things I do not like, and then so far stops doing them. If she is confused and fears rejection in what I write she just asks me now and remains fairly calm. There hasn’t really been any abusive behavior or devaluing towards me but I’m certainly scared of the mood shifting giving everything I read and that this is just the honeymoon period.
So then the question is, should I trust my layperson assessment that this is bound to happen and run for the hills to save myself or would I wrongly throw away a deep connection with a great (but very sensitive) person based on my fears that this can’t be real. I could just wait and see how this develops without having to force anything right now but certainly my feelings for her are only growing.
There is really no way to tell if this person is consciously working with her emotional dysregulation because her traits of BPD are very light or if she is in the idealization phase that is common with individuals with traits of BPD. Unfortunately, the only way you will find out is when you have let down your guard emotionally and have given her signals that you are fully committed.
If she is in the idealization phase this will trigger her to transition into the negative part of this behavioral pattern. There are some individuals who are not susceptible to the lure of a woman with traits of BPD who will not get hurt when this transition occurs, who will simply shrug their shoulders and leave the relationship. But for most there is a great deal of pain involved and a very long healing process. The best rule of thumb may be for you to choose a partner who you feel is an equal match as far as mental stability and personal growth.