Dismantling the Defenses of Female Relationship Insecurity
Dismantling the Defenses of Female Relationship Insecurity
Part 2 of Are You Being Blamed For Your Wife’s Relationship Insecurity
Part 2 of Are You Being Blamed For Your Wife’s Relationship Insecurity
In Part 1 we explored the process by which a woman transfers the responsibility for her problems with relationship insecurity to her husband. She does this by blaming him for not making her feel more secure. When she begins to use anger and blame, she finds she can cover up the feelings of dependency and helplessness that accompany relationship insecurity. Soon she finds herself caught up in a habit that she is helpless to stop.
In Part 2 you will be introduced to an easy way to take apart the defense mechanism of relationship insecurity and put an end to the anger and blame. First let’s do a quick review of how a woman’s thought process works to shift the focus away from her feelings of low self worth and onto your shortcomings as a husband:
1. She begins to feel creeping doubts that you might not be committed to the relationship.
2. This makes her feel weak and vulnerable compared to you, leaving her very uncomfortable.
3. Instead of admitting she is feeling needy, she decides that it couldn’t be her insecurity causing the problem. Clearly it is you who has been withholding assurance and causing her to feel bad about herself.
4. Righteous anger now replaces her feelings of insecurity fueled by her new belief that you aren’t treating her in the manner to which she is entitled.
5. She begins to form a habitual reliance on this defense mechanism of blaming you to cover up her fears and doubts so she does not have to admit to the weakness of relationship insecurity.
Reversing the Behavior Pattern
Now you are going to learn how to reverse this behavior pattern with the use of one phrase. This sentence will actually be doing the work for you behind the scenes so you don’t have to do anything but say it whenever you are blamed for something unfairly.
This phrase is the foundation of the Nicola Method for high conflict. It has been designed to cut through the defenses of an insecure woman leaving her unable to blame you for things you didn’t do wrong. Although you won’t need to know how the sentence works, it can be helpful to understand how it does its job to dismantle the defense. Here is the sentence you will use every time you are unfairly blamed:
“When you said that it seemed like you thought I did something wrong.”
The Role of the Subconscious In Relationship Insecurity
Let’s briefly go through how this sentence works to stop misplaced female anger. One of the ways it works is by directing her attention to the flaw that is always present when someone unfairly blames another. The flaw in all false accusations is simply the fact that you didn’t do anything you should feel ashamed of. In other words, you have done nothing wrong.
But you are not just talking to your wife. You are in a sense dealing with a third party. The subconscious plays a very real role in all defense mechanisms. It is the subconscious that is creating the defense mechanism in order to protect your wife from being hurt. In order to accomplish this, it will try to run a smear campaign against your character in an attempt to get your wife to withdraw her support and her trust.
Like a crafty politician, the subconscious uses her fears about what you think of her to turn her against you, hoping she doesn’t look too closely at the facts. The phrase you are about to learn uses psychology and neurology to redirect her attention away from her emotions and to the facts that her subconscious would prefer you don’t see.
There are several challenges involved in accomplishing this task. You can’t simply point out the flaw. She will interpret this as defensive behavior on your part, and it will make her even more convinced you are guilty. The second challenge to getting her to accept the flaw is the fact that when people are in a high emotion state, particularly anger, they tend to be drawn to what justifies their anger. You will be trying to direct her to focus on something that would take away her anger.
Deconstructing the Entitlement Defense
The sentence you will be using lets you overcome both of these challenges at once. Let’s take a look at how it works to overcome the psychological aspects of the challenge. You can’t tell her what to do when she is angry at you. However you can casually suggest she think about something that might strengthen her belief that her feelings are valid. Focusing on what you did wrong seems like it will help prove her right. Instead it will focus her directly on the flaw in her argument that will prove her wrong.
Now let’s look at the neurological aspect. If you can get her to re-focus her thoughts so she moves into a cognitive or thinking mode her anger will naturally lower. This is the way people commonly get relief from emotional upset. When we take a step back and look at our situation with a clear perspective, we can easily see both why we are upset and what we might be able to do about it. This gives us the feeling of control that takes us off the emotional roller coaster.
Focusing on what you did wrong seems like it would feed her emotions. The opposite is actually true. Thinking about right and wrong makes us look at philosophical issues of ethics and values that takes us to a more intellectual plane. When she puts her focus on why what you did was wrong, she will be taken out of her high emotion state. When her anger lowers she will realize that you didn’t do anything wrong after all.
Although this sentence will work to stop the blame and anger each time you use it, it may have to be used many times before a woman’s subconscious finally gets the message that it no longer works and gives up trying. However, every time you take away her defense mechanism, you help her gain the self esteem she needs in order to resist blaming you in the future. Let’s take one more look at the sentence you will be using whenever you sense you are being blamed due to her relationship insecurity:
“When you said that it seemed like you thought I did something wrong.”
In order for it to work, you will need to stick very closely to the sentence construction as it is written here. However, there are times when she may deflect the sentence or else ignore it. If she does that, you can repeat it with a few minor changes. Here are some alternate ways to say it that will work in case she doesn’t respond to it the first time:
“It just seemed like you were thinking I did something wrong.”
“ I really felt like you were thinking I did something wrong.”
“When you said that it really seemed like you thought I did something wrong.”
You will find when you learn this sentence and start to use it that it has much more power than it seems to looking at it on the page. Using it whenever you feel blamed is a very easy way to begin to make changes in any relationship where there is more conflict than you may be comfortable with.
Related Posts:
Marriage Entitlement: When Your Love Is Not Enough
Defense Mechanisms of the High Conflict Woman In Relationship
Reversing Emotional Dysregulation In Individuals With Traits of BPD
If you would like to learn the Nicola Method so you can put an end to the high conflict situations you may be experiencing, click on this link to the welcome page of this website where you will find the resources you need.
If you want to try out some of the basic techniques of this method for free to see if this method is right for your situation, you can learn them from an intro guide flip-book here or a PDF version of the intro guide here.
Thankyou for this advice,I am yet to try this and sure it will come up and I can use your method.
I am facing this problem and will use your method and let you know how it fares 🙂
Sumit, feel free to e-mail me with any questions or if any problems arise. Best of luck with the method.
my wife has left me for the second time two days ago and her words when she told me she has no feelings for me and I have hurt her badly.
Her past relationships have not been good and she has always been insecure, worried about being homeless and no where to go and being alone if I died (the house belongs to my children part left in my first wife’s will, my wife signed a pre nuptial re this)
I accept my part and have started anger management due to me shouting and swearing when she has become insecure and starts secret drinking then she starts.
She has had treatment for depression ( I feel that her true issues and coping strategies when she feels like this have never been given), but says she has had therapy etc and no point of trying again, I feel that this would help what was a good marriage, even last week she said so. We had an argument a few days ago and she walked and things slowly got worse, she came back but alas what sh said and did telling her family untruths making her out she is the victim, but she was the one that started this argument and I reacted badly.
Though she says it is over she wants a separation not a divorce.
The words she used telling me that it is over is identical when she went the first time before we got married we have been together 9 years
Mike, it can be very difficult to separate out who is at fault in these kinds of relationships. Although I don’t know enough of the details of your situation to get an accurate picture, a few things you are saying lead me to think that this relationship might be damaging for her, and she may be removing herself from the situation for good reason. When we hurt others in a relationship, it usually does not feel damaging to the person doing the damage. It just feels like strong emotions and an urge to express them. But expressing anger towards someone who is feeling insecure is damaging if it happens regularly as is swearing at a loved if there is derogatory or demeaning language being used. The belief that it could be another’s fault or that someone made you act badly towards them is another possible sign that she may be being damaged in the relationship. It speaks very well for you that you are going for anger management and that you are willing to take responsibility for any part you may have played. I think you will get closer to the truth of what’s really going on once you are getting help for these issues.
It’s hard to be close to my wife because of her fears and insecurities. We fight a lot and it usually stems from those fears and I know within herself she blames me for feeling that way because I don’t do enough so she feels “connected” to me. But now I’m afraid because every time I try to get close and things seem better, I get bit again and again. I’m going to use this expression the next time she comes to blame me. She got angry at me for posting a fb picture of her and the kids without her permission. I did it more so her family who lives far away can see our family more. Seems like I always get in trouble for doing nice things. I fear I’m losing interest in her because of this.
Adam, individuals with this level of sensitivity are unable to look at their behavior objectively. Every time they are hurting they feel you must have hurt them. It’s a very primitive perspective. It leaves you in a relationship with someone who only sees the world through her eyes. The language from this method will force her to examine what’s behind her motivations. If she is angry at you posting a fb picture as a kind gesture to her family, even after the fact you can bring it up by saying something like, “It seems like you think that there is something wrong with me sharing a piece of our life with your family.” She might remain defensive at first, but if you persist on wanting to know why it was wrong, she will be forced to examine her motives for herself. In order to understand what another person did wrong, we automatically shift from our primitive emotional processing center to our cognitive one. This will allow her to communicate appropriately by telling you with words instead of showing you with unhealthy expressions of anger. Best of luck with the method, and I am always available through email if questions or problems come up.
I think I am in a grey area here, where my own fears and sense of need, (to be treated nicely by her,) send me in search of what’s wrong with her. I could make the argument that we are both insecure, but I feel often like I did something wrong, when our complicated lives are simply full of choices that are bad no matter what choice we make – she says I put job before her. But realistically I must often choose the job task – really it is all about timing – to maintain our life as we have worked so hard to establish. When these things happen, I really have no good choices. I wished she would understand that.
William, that grey area you talk about is very real. The reason why the behavior patterns of a highly insecure partner are so painful is because we all have a personality trait that causes pain when people we care about don’t approve of us. If we didn’t have this universal trait of relationship insecurity, we wouldn’t really care if our partners said obviously untrue negative things about us. Interestingly enough, one way to bridge the communication gap with someone who is insecure is to explain that you also have insecurity, as does everyone. Admitting to relationship insecurity and describing it as a natural part of being human can lessen the shame that makes insecure partners act out.
When she says you are putting your job first it is important to remember that these kinds of statements are more an expression of emotions than an actual belief. Many of the problems in these relationships are exacerbated by the secure partner taking the insecure partner’s statements literally. You don’t care about me often just means I am feeling insecure and want extra assurance. You care more about your work than me often just means I get insecure when you are gone for too long so can you give me some assurance.
For your own sanity it can be helpful to use a specific criteria in determining how much giving in to an insecure person is healthy. The criteria to use in determining whether what an insecure partner is asking for is healthy is to imagine what the average person would think of the request. In other words would the average person think that if someone worked as much as you do the relationship would suffer?
The crucial component in discussion around these issues is to be objective in determining what kind of behavior is healthy. An insecure individual is going to determine whether your behavior is good or bad by subjective feelings. If she feels good, your behavior is good. If she feels bad, your behavior is bad. By using this type of subjective reasoning, an insecure person can unknowingly manipulate their partner into taking full-time care of their emotional state which is definitely unhealthy.
Setting strong boundaries by responding to unreasonable requests with a statement of your belief that most people would consider your behavior as healthy is helpful. There is nothing wrong with then adding that if she would like you to make special exceptions to make her feel better you are willing to do it. But it is important to be aware of situations where you feel she is asking too much. In these situations it may be necessary to use language that conveys that you believe it’s not healthy for you to take care of her feelings in that circumstance and that you believe she needs to develop some independence in that area. You will find that the cure for all insecurity is a sense of independence. Encouraging insecure partners to develop hobbies and interests outside the relationship can be very helpful in reversing this problem.
My wife accuses me of cheating and being a bad father , the list goes on and on, there are times when things are great in our marriage and then times when it is truly horrible. She didnt have much encouragement growing up, her parents were very critical, still are and still very involved in our lives( they live a mile away)..our son is autistic and she is overwhelmed with many things(very understandable)..i remain calm when she presents her insecurities but lately they have become more routine…seems the times between arguments( not yelling just disagreements) are closer together. I do work a lot and have returned to school for my graduate degree but any time outside of those activities i commit to my family…i actively try to set time aside for them…i do most of my homework etc in the middle of the night so that im not taking time away from them…she usually picks up our son at her moms after school ( he is 16..bus drops him off at their house) until well past dinner, usually not coming home till 7:30pm…she gets done work at 3..he is done school at same time…she’ll stay at her parents the whole time.
She is very hyper/anxious type person…i try and reassure her about our relationship but it seems the more i do the more she needs. I fear i am conditioning a behavior…
She is also EXTREMELY jealous…of all things…my success etc. If i say hello to a female neighbor she gets insecure..if i get an award a work or something she usually makes a comment( not negative but not supportive) i dont care about that so much but it is an indication of her feelings…i have recently asked for a divorce because i am becoming overwhelmed with dealing with this constant onslaught of negativity and character attacks…if anything i am not mad, but feel sorry for her because life is more than this….many other issues but this is the jist
BTW…i am fully aware that i am no angel and that some of this falls on me as a husband to be suportive etc…it is very hard though when my character is constantly in question…i feel like i am competing for her time with her parents yet i am being blamed for not being engaged…?? Very confusing
John, you are really dealing with quite a bit here. Having an autistic child all by itself can be completely overwhelming for parents. Having a partner go to school while continuing to work is another huge challenge, and it does make sense that she is turning to her parents to fill in areas that because of very legitimate reasons you can’t fulfill right now. So it’s really very difficult to tease apart how much of her insecurity is from the stress caused by these challenges and how much would be there if you were not going through these stressful times.
Good morning Joanna.I stumbled across your website this morning in search of some help.My wife and I have been married for 10 years. Second marriage for both of us. We have 5 adult children between us. More and more lately I sense I am being blamed for things that don’t make sense. This usually comes out in backhanded, snide comments. Example-If she’s upset about something she will mutter something like “It doesn’t matter because you don’t give a shit about me or my feelings.” I had decided to play golf Friday afternoon and got home about 4:45. She was home from work and I asked her what time she got home. “3:00 and to an empty house, as usual” she said. Last night, we had a very long discussion about what she perceives to be wrong and it all centers around things like, we don’t talk any more-I’m not the same man she married. I used to make sure she was taken care of, etc. Last October, she wen’t to Washington DC for a week while her oldest daughter delivered a baby. This happened to coincide with a weekend that my cousins and spouses were getting together for a wine-tasting weekend. She was angry that I decided to attend. I asked her what she thought I should do and she replied that since she couldn’t go I should stay home also. I went anyway. She complains that people don’t talk to her but I have observed that she does nothing to engage people herself. As if she expects all the work to be done by the other person, which is how I feel most of the time. Anyway, Based on a somewhat limited sampling, is this the kind of behavior that you are referring to? And, will your method possibly help? Thanks!
Larry, yes, this is a good example of female insecurity in relationship in a somewhat mild form. But the insecurity she is feeling is natural for anyone with a high setting of emotionality. So the real problem is not so much her insecurity, but that she is speaking to you in the language of those with higher emotionality. And you can use the methods that I teach to first translate her language of high emotionality and then to direct her to the words she needs to use to more appropriately communicate with you.
Your wife has a complaint but is not able to find the words to express it directly. So she is trying to communicate her feeling to you without going through the necessary process of verbal communication. She is in a sense showing you how she feels by trying to influence your emotions. But when a woman uses “show” instead of “tell” in communicating needs, she ends up manipulating and confusing her partner even if the intention is merely to get him to empathize her.
If we want someone to understand that we are hurting because of their behavior we can use “show” instead of “tell” by acting more hurt than we are and by expressing anger. In female language these forms of expression are not to be taken literally. They are symbolic demonstrations. The translation of her complaints put into verbal form are, “I feel like you aren’t spending enough quality time with me. Can we do something to change that?”
The snide comments are hints that you are expected to translate. If you don’t recognize them, later exaggerations of any of your behavior that lets her illustrate her point indirectly will be used to hammer the point home because you didn’t understand her first attempts. Unfortunately she puts you in a position where if you simply translate in your head and comply, you will feel controlled and manipulated because of the inappropriate way she expressed herself.
So using my method allows her to have a do-over. It directs her to use verbal translation of her feelings. Using “tell” instead of “show” allows her to communicate feelings in a way that is not manipulative or aggressive. It allows her to stay within her boundaries.
If she says, “It doesn’t matter because you don’t give a shit about me or my feelings,” your response can be, “When you said that it seemed like you thought I did something wrong.” She will now have to verbalize what actions you took that upset her and why it hurt her, which is appropriate couples communication which you can then respond to without feeling manipulated.
Thanks Joanna. I am anxious to put this into practice!!
Larry, please don’t hesitate to email me with questions or problems that may come up when using the technique.
Hi Nicola I’ve had several issues with my new wife. But recently twice she bacame insecure for no apparent reason and she decided to go through my phone. I admit I had a brief sexual conversation with a female friend of mine but it was not going to go anywhere sexual in person, actual the conversation went away from sex fast. But my wife found the conversation bevause she simply woke up one morning and felt something and came searching in my phone for the reason. Even though everything in our relationship was going good. Then today she did the same thing after two weeks of bliss, she wakes up feeling uneasy and decided to turn to me for the reason for her feelings and found fashion pictires of randon internet celeberties in my phone. I dont know why she feels this way at random times but because when she feels this way and she comes to me and finds something questionable I must have been the reason why she felt that way even though everything was going good. What do i do?
Nick, I am afraid that having a sexual conversation with a woman who is not your wife constitutes infidelity in the mind of most people. Sexual fidelity is the most clear and stated boundary we have in marriage, and unless you had a candid discussion with her before marriage to redefine this very important promise, your behavior would constitute a level of breach of your marriage.
This kind of betrayal can often be worked through with true remorse and a wish to change on the part of the person who interacted sexually with someone else, but it is likely there would be a considerable amount of valid insecurity on the part of any spouse for some time until trust is reestablished. So your wife’s reaction to this event would not be considered in the realm of a defense. It is a valid reaction to a breach of your agreement with her.
Thank you Joanna. I understand. There’s work to be done.
Oh, wow- so excited that I stumbled upon your website!! I hope and pray this could be the conflict resolution we need. Very interested to read more of you blog entries. Thank you!
Joanna,
Thank you for writing these articles! I am looking forward to putting this into practice. I’ve never left a comment on an article, but you seem to be very engaging with your audience!
My wife and I have been married for about a year. In that time we have had talks that mostly revolve around her low opinion of herself. (not pretty, a burden, etc) This low self esteem is further complicated by my wife’s struggle with anorexia and OCD. She often asserts that I should have married someone else. Other common comments include how she imagines that I would be happier married to other women such as coworkers, spouse-in-laws, and etc. All of this I repeatedly deny and reassert that I love her wholly and would always choose her. What I say seems to stick in the moment, but fades for the cycle of doubt, insecurity, and self-loathing to repeat.
When we’ve attempted to address this, she feels like I am placing the blame all on her; however, she will, at the same time, lament how we wouldn’t have this problem if not for her. Attempting to justify her feelings of inadequacy, she often cites examples where I’ve said careless/stupid things (I am certainly guilty here) even though I had apologized and we had talked through each instance thoroughly.
There are two base things that seem to drive these “episodes.” One is when, very early in our marriage we had a fight during which we openly wondered if we should have gotten married. I countered that we have only two choices: either we work through things or divorce (not well put by me, I grant you!). She heard me say “I guess I should just make the best of it.” The other came before we were married during premarital counseling. It was during then I learned that my wife would rather not ever move to my home town. She didn’t realize this was a big thing for me. After taking time to weigh the information, I decided that I would be okay with that. Now, however, she is convinced that I am dissatisfied with her forever since she didn’t match my “perfect dream girl” she imagines.
Neither of us are quitters and I don’t see us at any risk of divorce or such. But we need to tackle this and I am trying to learn how. We are looking into finding a marriage counselor since I think I third party would be helpful. Anyway, thank you SO MUCH for taking time to read this. If nothing, it was good to get off my chest. haha
correction (proofread, folks!!): *she* wondered if we should have gotten married. (whoops!)
Jake, thanks for commenting. You may be in a fortunate position of having a wife who is aware of her insecurity. So many spouses are not self-aware which keeps them from being open to getting help they need.
I’m in a marriage of over a decade, three kids, to a wife who has seen me as her enemy for many years and made me into the scapegoat for everything that is unsatisfactory in her life. Just the last year or so it has become intolerable.
It used to be about me not being sociable enough, then about my earning ability, and more recently it’s focused on my supposed failings as a father. Even to the point of telling me I don’t care about the children and how she believes I ‘never wanted them’ – usually in situations where I have worked late and she has done bathtime routine herself or something like that.
I blame myself for being the more laid back partner and taking the flack for years. More recently though, I have got older and a lot more sure of myself (too late) and have just directly rebutted her attacks quite beligerantly. This results in confrontations that I don’t want my children to see so I have also been on the verge of leaving for all our sakes. Earlier on in the day she would say ‘you need to leave’, but as I got my bags packed she panicked and it changed to ‘oh so you’re abandoning your kids now?’.
I will try your method but I fear there are too many scars from previous arguments. And frankly the phrase that comes to mind is ‘Is the juice worth the squeeze?’. I realise now that there has never been a time when she hasn’t treated me this to some extent. It’s me that has changed, not her.
Dirk, your wife’s behavior is abusive and very damaging. The methods that I teach are controversial when applied to serious cases such as yours in that it is not the partner’s job to stop this kind of behavior. But there are some situations where circumstances do not allow partners to leave without severe consequences to them or their children, and I have made the decision to offer tools to partners who choose to rehabilitate their partner. But if you are able to start your life over and you aren’t at risk for parental alienation or financial collapse, you certainly deserve to find someone who can reciprocate the love you offer.
Joanna,
This is a wonderful piece you have written. I have used your techniques to bring perspective and understanding to some arguments with my fiancee but recently I have noticed it is becoming exhausting for me as she continues to rely on her ’emotions’ for justification to any argument.
I have been with my fiancee for 4.5 years (engaged for 1 year) and she suffers from low self esteem and insecurity. She is kind, soft and warm at the best of times. But she is also regularly critical and blaming as a habit for emotional reasons with no logical support. In the past, I have attempted to explain my perspective AND her perspective with logic and when she’s left with no truth to support her argument she ends with “How do you think it makes me feel” or “You’re making me feel bad” which is followed by silent treatment.
Prime example would be last weekend I was invited to celebrate my graduation for my masters degree to a private lunch with 30 of my classmates at their house. She was upset she wasn’t invited (no other spouses were) and took it out on me. The morning of the lunch she saw me get dressed up and started a fight about her no being included and me not spending enough time with her. I was upset that she was sad but annoyed at the timing so I offered a few minutes of empathy but then grew impatient and politely left for my celebration because I felt she was being selfish.
In the end I didn’t enjoy the lunch because I felt guilty and ended up leaving the celebration a little early to chat with her. It only ignited a larger argument about me not ‘cuddling’ enough and being too ‘cold’ in my reactions to her arguments (a laundry list of how I could be a better partner). I empathized with her and we made up but this is an example of a regular occurrence.
I find myself wondering if this is something that can be fixed and I worry about getting married and eventually having kids and watching this unfold in unhealthy routines. I am a well balanced invididual that can handle criticism but the fact that I feel guilty so often is becoming punishing. Open to your perspective!
Thank You!
Robert, I would agree with you that this problem should at least be on its way to being resolved before you make a lifetime commitment. The reason is that although it may seem paradoxical, when an insecure partner gets the security of marriage, what we would think would help to take away the problem actually can increase it greatly.
Once these individuals are married, their insecurity can transition to full-blown. And the results can be very damaging to partners. Unfortunately there is really no way to know if her insecurity is going to increase to where minor criticism and blame turn into behavior that is psychologically damaging to you.
I would suggest that you try a few techniques that will help her overcome her insecurity. These techniques are in my free workbook on my home page, but for others who are reading this I’ll give you a general synopsis of the method you can try out to resolve this issue.
In order to reduce the insecurity you are facing at this stage of your relationship you would need to learn how to communicate in emotional language style as opposed to cognitive language style. Part of the problem you are facing now is actually a hidden power struggle between your different language styles.
Because we don’t talk about it, few people have any idea that emotional language style even exists. Despite this fact those who speak emotional language style expect people who don’t speak it to know all of the social etiquette that goes along with it. Emotional etiquette demands that emotions are taken into account before cognitive reasoning begins. Cognitive speakers usually feel that reasoning is more important. Because emotional language speakers don’t know that cognitive language exists, they tend to believe that cognitive speakers know the rules but are hiding their own emotions and being uncaring or downright mean to them by not taking their emotions into account first.
So you may think your fiance is criticizing you for not caring. She thinks she is stating an emotion that you are supposed to take into account and address. When you don’t address her emotion but instead defend against her clearly unfair criticism, she feels like you’re saying her emotions are invalid, which in emotional language is even more offensive than just ignoring them.
To circumvent the power struggle you need to follow emotional etiquette. The rule is first you address the emotion, and then you address the problem. With highly emotional people once the emotions are addressed, the problem usually goes away because the emotions actually were the problem.
For your fiancee the emotion she will be feeling is fear of abandonment. But since admitting to fear of abandonment is embarrassing, you can refer to it as fear that you are not important to her.
When she brings up her insecurity disguised as a criticism, you will address the insecurity instead of the criticism. Addressing the criticism actually allows her to avoid personal humiliation by shifting the blame to you. Instead of taking the bait which only perpetuates this destructive habit, you will show her how to relieve her humiliation at feeling abandoned in a healthy way.
You can do this by using a simple formula. You will first identify the emotion, then take away her embarrassment over having the emotion, and then you will ask her what she needs you to say that will make her feel more secure. Let’s take a hypothetical scenario to give you an example of the language you can use:
“You never spend time with me.” Instead of telling her how much time you do spend with her, which invalidates the real emotion behind the criticism, you would identify it by saying something like, “It sounds like you might be feeling like I’m leaving you out of my life.”
She might say, “Yeah, we’re supposed to be a team, but you sure don’t act like it.” Then instead of saying, “We can’t spend every minute together,” you again ignore the bait and say,”I get that me going off to have fun with everyone else makes it look that way. I would probably feel the same way if you went off and had a great time without me.”
This may not literally be true, but if she went away with friends for an extended period of time, you would definitely need some reassurance, so it should be close enough. This type of response takes care of the second part of the formula. It will validate her emotions and take away her humiliation that she is feeling so needy and weak.
You might then say, “What can I tell you that will assure you that you are the most important person in my life?” This kind of language usually calms down the insecurity whether she can think of a nice thing for you to say or not. Be aware that you’re asking her what you should say to make her feel better, not what you should do. If she tells you to say that you are going to limit your time spent with friends or family, you will have to let her know that you can’t promise her that. You just want to know what you could say to her in this moment to make her feel better.
By sticking to this three-part formula of identifying the emotion, validating it as normal, and asking her what you can say in the moment to make her feel better you are actually creating a thought pattern that she will eventually adopt for herself. This pattern is what healthy people use to soothe their insecurity.
For now you will create the pattern for her by being the one to identify her insecurity, validate it by telling her it’s completely normal and nothing to be ashamed of, and then asking her what you can say that will make her feel better. This is a way of teaching her how to soothe her insecurity in the way that most people do naturally. But in the short term it also allows you to circumvent power struggles and resolve insecurity very quickly.
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply with such great insight! I genuinely appreciate you offering your expertise and techniques.
I have recommended talk-therapy with a psychotherapist to my fiancee but while accepting the option at first, she has regularly found excuses to not go ahead with this. I think using the tools in your PDF (thanks!) will be a great opportunity for me to try to share perspective while still being a empathetic partner.
My game plan at this stage is to try the techniques and and monitor myself to ensure I don’t compromise my own long term happiness if the insecurity doesn’t eventually improve.
Robert, this seems like a sound plan. I’m glad to hear that your long-term happiness will be the most important factor in your decision.
Hi Joanna,
Me and my wife always argue because she often misinterpret my actions. There’s one time when I’ve asked her what was she doing upstairs because I want more time with her because I just got off from work, she told me that she’s trying to finish a report for the church. She went downstairs and sat beside me but was quite and looks offended. I have often observe that she normally takes her time doing couple of things right after I arrive from work. Although she’s not doing anything bad, I feel like I am begging for her time but she feels like I am demanding and commanding. I told her that I just miss her but she defends herself by saying that she’s a mother and she has a lot of things to do so she tries to finish it all. She does not take it well when I try to defend myself that I am not demanding as what she thinks. What would be the right approach on this?
Will, the best way to handle this situation is to have a sit down talk where you tell her you respect her time and thank her for devoting herself to your family and tell her how important this is to you. Then tell her that you love being with her and miss her when you’re gone and ask her if there is a way that you both could spend more time together when you get home. If she resists your request you can in the future, ask her to put her work down by first saying that you know she is very busy with the family, and that you don’t want in any way to pressure her, but you would love to spend time with her. If she is completely opposed to your requests even with this type of language, you would need at some point to explain that although the family is very important, it is equally important that you spend quality time with her. Tell her this is an essential part of marriage. If she is still resistant you should be able to change her mind by offering to take over or share in some of the work she is doing. You can even offer to have the time spent together after work doing things she would ordinarily do alone.