How To Stop Emotional Abuse Through Learning The Games Abusers Play
How To Stop Emotional Abuse Through Learning The Games Abusers Play
Part 3 of the Blog Series: Can We Stop Emotional Abuse?
Part 3 of the Blog Series: Can We Stop Emotional Abuse?
In Part 1 and Part 2 of Can We Stop Emotional Abuse we learned that the reason so many people give up trying to stop emotional abuse is because they often lack the understanding of what drives an emotional abuser to hurt those around them.
We also took a guided tour through the mind of the emotional abuser and explored some important insights about why we experience so much pain when we are subjected to emotional abuse. We discovered that it was our natural fear of social rejection, expressed in its most extreme form, that drives the emotional abuser’s destructive behavior.
Emotional abusers are people that find themselves unable to trust others to accept them despite their flaws. Much like a dictator, they choose instead to enforce our loyalty through shows of dominance and aggression which seem like a safer bet to the abuser than trust.
This behavior is a defense mechanism that runs on a subconscious level to protect the abuser from humiliation of potential rejection. The defense mechanism that emotional abusers use is so unique and so specific that it can be easily tracked. As we look carefully at this defense mechanism, we find that the way emotional abusers get to us is through triggering our own subconscious fears around others’ negative judgment of us.
All the abuser needs to do to shake our sense of confidence is to get us to believe that we may not be good enough in some area to be accepted by our peers. They do this by ignoring a certain set of unspoken rules that almost all cultures share. These rules are in place to protect each one of us from our natural fear of rejection. The rules tell us that we must place a great deal of focus on convincing those who we engage with that we find them acceptable. We must convince them in our choice of words and our body language that we will not reject them.
If we look carefully at our behavior around others we will find that social interaction consists of continual reciprocal positive shows of assurance. We will find that each of us makes sure that our negative judgment of others is kept private so that we don’t upset each others’ delicate sensibility around this area. We use positive feedback in all of our responses as we play down anything that might be interpreted as negative judgment.
The emotional abuser need only withhold this extra assurance that we give each other to unnerve us and make us feel uncomfortable. To make us feel bad, the abuser can instead arouse our suspicions that we may not be acceptable to others. To instill a great deal of pain and discomfort they can simply disobey the rules of social etiquette altogether and say negative things about us. Because we are not aware that we need this extra assurance to make us feel safely accepted, we will not fully grasp how the abuser has hurt us. Because we are not sure what has hurt us, we are left helplessness to defend ourselves and without the clues necessary to show us how to stop emotional abuse.
The abuser soon finds that when they withdraw the assurance that we are used to giving each other to make sure we all feel accepted, they can shake the confidence of even the most assured person. This provides an easy way for the abuser to feel the sense of power over others which they need in order to keep their own extreme social fears of rejection at bay.
Moving Towards The Solution
In Part 3 of this series we will be addressing the specific tactics that an emotional abuser uses to make us feel like others might reject us. We will look at seven different qualities that an emotional abuser will try to make us feel we are deficient in.
These are the qualities that people tend to associate with high social ranking and social acceptance. The abuser’s goal will always be to make us question some aspect of our social attractiveness to others. They will always try to instill the same kind of fear into us which they are themselves trying to escape from. These are the qualities you will learn to identify in order to understand how to stop emotional abuse. They are the seven qualities of social attractiveness that the emotional abuser wants you to believe you are lacking:
The Seven Qualities of Social Attraction
Physical Attractiveness
Sexual attractiveness
Intelligence
Competence
Social skills
Bravery
Cleanliness
Although these seven traits tend to play an important role in our acceptance of others, we don’t actually need to excel in any of these areas in order to be socially accepted. They are only surface qualities that make us look more attractive from the outside. They don’t, however, have enough substance to make us more socially valuable to others.
The real social assets that define our true worth to others have to do with our ability to abide by the social rules of our society and include honesty, integrity and the ability to recognize others’ needs as being equally important as our own. To sum it up, our social worth is defined by how well we treat others, not on our outer social appearance.
We can easily demonstrate that the seven qualities that the emotional abuser tries to get us to believe are important do not actually define our social worth. All we need to do is take note of the many notorious cons who throughout history have finely honed these seven qualities in order to fool people into acceptance so they could take advantage of them.
Many of these famous cons were physically and sexually attractive, seemed smart and competent, had great social skills, and could fit into any social circles with ease. They used their ability to exhibit these qualities to get others to accept them under false premises.
Most of us know that an abundance of any of these seven qualities, although they may make us shine more brightly, do not enhance our worth to others. But for some reason we don’t seem to be able to shake the childhood fear that without these qualities, we will be the ones chosen last for the schoolyard team, or worse, that we will become the adult version of the unfortunate child who was socially rejected or ridiculed for lacking these qualities.
We often find ourselves worrying about whether our bodies look good enough, whether we are attractive enough to compete with others in our social circles, or whether others will think we are smart enough or competent enough. And although most of us would never judge another person based on these surface characteristics, we remain irrationally afraid that others will rely on these criteria to reject us.
The Cycle Of Emotional Abuse
The emotional abuser has an extra added helping of insecurity. They carry around the childhood fear of social ridicule. Although most of us can easily work through our natural fear of rejection and find a sense of faith that others will accept us, the emotional abuser cannot.
The extra helping of insecurity was often instilled in the abuser by a caretaker who themselves were too insecure to trust. This caretaker would have used control and fear, criticism and rejection to enforce instead of earn the child’s loyalty. This individual, if they do not consciously break the cycle, will often use the same tactics on others that were used on them in their adult life.
We are now going to explore these adult tactics which you will find mirror exactly the taunts of the schoolyard from your childhood. As we revisit these seven qualities let’s now take a look at the categories again, this time with the schoolyard taunt that corresponds to each quality so you can see for yourself that these tactics are still very much in play in our adult lives.
Physical Attractiveness (You are ugly)
Sexual attractiveness (No one will ever want you)
Intelligence (You are stupid)
Competence (You can’t do anything right)
Social skills (You are a social reject)
Bravery (You are a coward)
Cleanliness (You are disgusting)
You will find that all attempts at emotional abuse follow the same formula. The abuser will pick one of these seven qualities and find a way to make us feel like we are deficient. The abuser’s subconscious goal is to make us feel more insecure about our faults than they are about theirs. This tactic allows the abuser to get rid of their shame over their hidden weakness by projecting it onto us. When they imagine us as the subject of social ridicule, it relieves them of their fears that it will happen to them.
Finding The Flaw
Let’s now take a look at the glaring inconsistency in the tactic of using one of the seven qualities of social attraction to try to make us afraid that others will not accept us. It will be this flaw that we use in order to disable the abuser from being able to use this tactic against us. The flaw in the abuser’s attempt to make us feel ashamed is the fact that we don’t need to feel ashamed over not having an abundance of these qualities.
The abuser is simply preying on our hidden fears that if we don’t fit in pefectly we will be rejected. Although we all tend to feel ashamed at not being good enough in these areas, these are not actually shameful qualities. In other words, there is nothing shameful about not being highly attractive or highly sexually desirable, highly intelligent, more competent than most, a social butterfly, fearless in nature or squeaky clean.
Most of us fall somewhere in the mid range in these categories. If we are lacking in a few areas, we usually make up for it in another. Although these surface qualities may attract others to us, lacking in them really does not cause social rejection except in our insecure minds. So the glaring flaw in the abuser’s attack is that we should feel ashamed if we do not rank highly in these seven areas.
It is, however, important to note that simply being aware that you should not feel ashamed is not in itself enough to stop the abuser. You will need to take one very specific action around this knowledge in order to learn how to stop emotional abuse, which you will be shown how to do in Part 4 of this blog series.
Making You Feel That You Don’t Stack Up
Before you are shown how to use your knowledge that the abuser is trying to make you feel ashamed over something that is not shameful, let’s examine more closely this tactic. We will take a quick look at some examples of phrases often used by emotional abusers so you can see that all emotional abuse consists of is an attempt to get someone to feel bad about themselves because they lack one of seven qualities of social attraction:
“Why are you so stupid?” The abuser wants you to feel like you are not as intelligent as other people and that you are inferior because of it. The quality the abuser chose to make you feel ashamed is lack of intelligence.
“Clean up this mess! This place looks like a pigsty.” The abuser wants you to feel ashamed because you aren’t as clean as other people and that you deserve to have others think you are inferior. The quality the abuser chose was lack of cleanliness.
“Can’t you do anything right?” The abuser wants you to feel like you aren’t as capable as most people and that you are inferior because of it. The quality the abuser chose to make you feel deficient was incompetence.
“Can’t you act like a man?” The abuser wants you to feel like you aren’t as strong as others and that you should feel ashamed of yourself. The quality the abuser chose to make you question your social self-worth was bravery.
By focusing on one of these seven qualities, the abuser is attempting to make you feel afraid others will reject you because you are deficient in one of these areas. In order to do this the abuser must instill a sense of shame in you for having that negative quality. You will always find shame as the theme of each attack of an emotional abuser.
Clearing Away The Myths That Surround Emotional Abuse
In order to understand the process of dismantling the defense mechanism, it is important to take a look at some of the myths surrounding emotional abuse. Many people mistakenly believe that if we can simply learn how to stand up to the abuser it will stop the behavior. Some believe that if we use enough love and kindness, if we truly understand the pain of the abuser we can stop the abuse. Others seem to believe there is a way to make the abuser see reason that would stop the abuse.
Because emotional abuse is a defense mechanism that the subconscious mind puts into place to avoid uncomfortable feelings, none of these methods will work. Emotional abuse is a coping mechanism that functions in a similar way that drugs, alcohol, overeating, gambling or any of the common addictions do to help us avoid certain thoughts and feelings that may upset us. Because abuse is addictive in nature, the only thing we can do to stop the abuse is take away the ability for the abuser to use this coping mechanism.
What Makes Emotional Abuse Different
Emotional abuse is unique among other addictive behaviors in that the victim of the abuse directly supplies the emotional abuser with what they need for relief. The abuser cannot obtain this relief without the victim’s presence. Therefore, unlike many other addictive behaviors, with emotional abuse, the victims themselves hold the power to withhold the abuser’s relief from them. This means that anyone who has been attacked by an emotional abuser has the ability to force them to feel the uncomfortable feelings they are trying to avoid. Each of us is in a unique position of being able to stop the negative behavior through our own actions.
The method necessary to withhold relief from an emotional abuser is complex, but it can be done once you truly understand the nature of this common defense mechanism. Let’s now take a look at what it is that we unwittingly give to the abuser that gives them relief so we can then learn how to withhold it leaving the abuser unable to access the arsenal necessary to hurt us.
Emotional Abuse And Addiction
Most of us assume that how we feel is very important to the emotional abuser. You may find yourself surprised when you try different responses to abuse, including no reaction at all, that the abuser remains happy to continue abusing. We will see no difference in their behavior when we vary our response to emotional abuse. Our mistake is to assume that the abuser cares deeply about how we feel. Because it is so painful, we assume the abuser’s attack may seem very personal. We assume what gives the abuser pleasure or relief is, in fact, our suffering. The truth is a little more complex than that.
Let’s take a look at why changing our reaction to the emotional abuser is futile. Although they may not let you know this, most abusers are aware that their tactics don’t usually work on their victims. They are aware that most people do not really believe the lies an emotional abuser may tell them, although they may become worn down over time.
The abuser only cares about obtaining their relief, not about making us feel a certain way. And to obtain relief, the abuser need only imagine for a brief instant that we are ashamed and feeling inferior. This brief moment allows them to offload their feelings of shame and inferiority onto us. To achieve this momentary burst of emotion that clears the shame, the abuser’s subconscious will use virtually any response on their victim’s part as validation that their victim is feeling ashamed or inferior.
If we act like we don’t care, the abuser’s subconscious will say we are hiding our pain. If we stand up for ourselves, the abuser will conclude we are being defensive and that they got to us. If we use reason, the abuser will also conclude we are being defense by pretending we are not hurt.
Because the abuser does not actually care what we are really feeling, none of the tactics on our part such as reason, kindness and love or standing up for ourselves will stop the abuse. They will actually ensure that the abuse continues. In order to stop the abuse we must find a way to keep the abuser from in any way imagining that they got to us. This is the only way we can outsmart the defense mechanism.
In Part 4 you will be shown a specific method of communication with the emotional abuser that will ensure that the abuser cannot in any way interpret your reaction as shameful. This type of communication will allow you to put a stop to the abuse through denying the abuser relief from their uncomfortable feelings.
This easy strategy will stop emotional abuse on the spot and if used consistently will break this destructive habit once and for all. Emotional abuse is a habit, but like any bad habit, it can be broken. Although there is nothing you could have done to cause the abuse, you will soon find out there there are certainly things you can do that will stop it.
If you would like to learn the Nicola Method so you can put an end to the high conflict situations you may be experiencing, click on this link to the welcome page of this website where you will find the resources you need.
If you want to try out some of the basic techniques of this method for free to see if this method is right for your situation, you can learn them from an intro guide flip-book here or a PDF version of the intro guide here.
Joanna, thank you so much for sharing all this. I am finding it very informative. I have been in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship for 5 years and despite years of trying to learn every “good communication” skill I can get my hands on to try to end his pattern, it has done nothing but escalate. I will begin using these on our very next moment of contact. I do have a question, though, on what I know will be his response already: he frequently criticizes my looks and intellect. I will use the responses given in these articles, but I predict he will tell me “I’m not trying to shame you about anything, I”m just making observations. You look old and ugly and dumpy.” I anticipate he will continue to use the same insults even as I use these tactics. “Just making an observation, there is nothing else behind it. You can’t handle an observation?” My question is, how do I stop this? I can see the insults just going on and on, not stopping no matter how many times I keep bringing it back to the replies listed above. Thank you!
C.J., if he is only saying these things as casual observations, with no anger behind them, then you’re right. These techniques are probably not going to work. I am going to assume that you have told him that his negative observations hurt you. If he is not driven by emotions and is choosing to say things he knows hurt you on purpose, then I would have to say that this person is not an appropriate romantic partner. I would suggest that you try to find a therapist who can help you find the strength to leave this relationship.
But since I really don’t have all of the details of your situation I will tell you how I would handle this type of person if they were perhaps a family member or someone at work who was behaving this way.
Because he doesn’t have emotion behind his insults, you can easily call him on his game. Simply tell him that you have decided you no longer want him to express his negative observations about you anymore. Tell him from now on you would like him to keep all negative observations of you to himself but let him know that if there is something about you that he wants you to change, you are more than happy set up a time to discuss his complaint and if it seems appropriate to you, you will consider making a change.
Don’t give him any explanations for why you want him to stop, and don’t accept his explanations for why there’s nothing wrong with him doing it. If he presses you, just tell him that because they are only observations, it should be perfectly easy for him to keep them to himself. If he pushes further on you just tell him it’s a boundary, and everyone has the right to make a boundary for how others treat them. End the conversation by letting him know that you understand that it may take a while for him to remember so you’ll be reminding if he forgets.
Then when he makes a negative observation you can ask him “Is there something you want me to change about myself?” If he says yes, then make a time to sit down and discuss his complaint. Preferably sometime in the future. If he says no, then tell him he needs to remember to keep his negative observations of you to himself.
If after a dozen or so reminders he can’t control himself then you get to dig in deeper and ask him why he can’t seem to control himself in this area. Ask him why he feels he has to say it out loud. Ask him if it’s a compulsion of some kind. Ask him if he thinks there might be a psychological reason why he can’t control himself in this area, et cetera, et cetera. In other words you are calling him on his bluff. If he isn’t abusive then why can’t he stop.
My abuser actually attacked the 3 important things- he made me out to be dishonest, lacking integrity, and not caring about others (plus all 7 others). I’ve been away for 6.5 years but it still affects me to a small degree. Thankyou for this article!! Well worth the read, I’m so glad I found it!
Alison, I’m happy to hear it was helpful for you.
There are multiple things on here my abuser uses. I am the Try love and kindness type of victim. Bcuz this person is my daughters father and fiancé whom I love with all my heart. But the ups and downs of emotions is physically draining and exhausting. What do I do
Cara, I’m sorry you have to be going through this. There are so many of what I call nice-girl and nice-guy types that find themselves involved with individuals who have this type of psychological addiction. They often believe that others are just like them, naturally loving and loyal, if only they could see the light.
Because emotional abuse is an addiction, we know that no amount of love can overcome it and, unfortunately, without professional help this person will not be capable of intimacy. You can use my methods listed in the last section of this four-part series to stop the abuse, but my methods cannot do anything to heal or help him in any way. He may stop outright abusing you, but it will not help him see the error of his ways or be any more capable of intimacy.
The best advice I can give you is before you get married you find help for yourself through counseling so you can begin to understand why you are considering marrying someone who is purposely hurting you. I don’t believe that you will find either a mental health professional or anyone who loves you and cares about you who would advise marring someone who is emotionally abusing you.
Because you have a child with this person and they will always be a part of your life, I would suggest you start to use the methods outlined in part four of the blog series in order to get him to stop using these behaviors on you.
Dear Nicola,
Thank you for your useful article.
My issue is that I have recognised the abusive behaviour in my husband. Now that I am pregnant again, it got worse. We have a 2 year old daughter as well. The problem is that he is a high flying solicitor and threatens that I won’t see my children again and he will make my life hell. I don’t want to stay in this marriage any longer. But my kids are my life and not having them by my side will kill me. I am not sure if I can risk that.
He is from a wealthy family. I have nothing, can’t even afford a solicitor. I tried your method before. But it doesn’t work and now I’m scared.
How do I protect myself?
Thank you
Lara, I’m sorry to hear about what you are going through. This is truly the downside of traits of BPD. My advise when things are this rough is for you to get the advice of a therapist, particularly when it comes to the welfare of your children. Your therapist should be able to guide you through this very perilous time in you and your children’s life. You may also contact me by email with specifics about the best way to use my methods for your situation.
Thank you
James, I’m glad it was helpful.
thank you for the depth and amazingly accurate details in your information. your explanation about the core of where this abuse comes from inside of these people and desriptiin about the mental state makes sense and it a breath of fresh air to me, I always have to remember that his degrading comments, his constant belittling, his controlling behavior is not me, it’s him and it’s his sickness. And I can stay nutreul. I’m so relieved to know that another human being can reach the understanding of both the abuser and of the victim and offer solid realistic advise. I can dry much connect with what you have written and I’m thankful for your help with the information you provided in the 4th section. I’m ready to use it. Thank you very much.
KP
KP, best of luck with your situation. Feel free to email me for any questions or roadblocks that come up when using my techniques as they are often not a one size fits all solution.
I’ve been reading a lot about my emotional abusive situation and what I can’t find much info is about how to get along without him and the terrible abuse. I have become so accustomed to it that when we do separate it seems like I’m the only one still suffering.
I become isolated and can’t seem to find anything or anyone to comfort or understand me. As he carries on with life almost showboating happiness without me. Please help me break this cycle. I’m mentally crippled in pain.
Janice, I’m so sorry to hear about your difficulty in making this very painful transition. My best advice is that you find a counselor or therapist. This is very complex stuff psychologically, and it’s very hard to get through without a great deal of support. My heart goes out to you.
ok, so what about getting attacked for imaginary wrongs, things i never did? using this method does not make sense in these cases.
You bring up a very good point. My methods only work with the more traditional type of emotional abuse where the abuser tries to make you feel ashamed of yourself for things that aren’t actually shameful. But you’re right. If an abuser wants to lie and say you did things that really are shameful, we have to categorize that as abuse. Even though the person being abused isn’t actually ashamed because they didn’t do it, the abuser still gets the same feeling of power they crave over simply imagining that the person they are accusing does feel ashamed.
I will give your comment some serious thought. Thanks for contributing to this discussion.
Gian, after some thinking about your question I now have an answer to what one could do when a partner accuses you of something shameful that you never did, particularly when it’s an outright lie made specifically to allow them to attack you.
The technique you would use is to simply say that you didn’t do whatever they are accusing you of but that if you did do it you would feel terribly ashamed. You can validate all of their emotions truthfully an honestly by saying that you completely understand that if they thought you were doing whatever they were accusing you of that they had every right to be furious. You can go as far as you like, adding that if you had done this thing you would feel absolutely terrible about it.
Even if the partner then says you are a terrible person for now lying about having done the thing you didn’t do, you can keep it up indefinitely, saying you understand that if they think you are lying that you totally understand why they are upset. You can go further and say that lying like this would be a total betrayal and not in line with the agreements of any relationship and that if you had done this you would feel deeply ashamed. You can go as far as you like in agreeing with them and validating all of their feelings. This kind of validation without taking blame for anything you didn’t do will keep them from getting the rush of power they are trying to achieve in making you feel ashamed.