A Stress-Free Approach To Resolving Marriage Conflict

Conflict Resolution Without Confrontation

Every couple encounters conflict from time to time. Although most of us accept that conflict is a normal part of married life, none of us enjoys hearing negative things about our behavior from those we love. This blog post is for anyone who has ever wished that there was a simpler and less painful way of resolving marriage conflict.

The technique you are about to learn is going to show you an easy way to figure out what your real issue is behind the outer complaint about your partner’s behavior. You will also find that these deeper issues are actually universal concerns that every one of us shares.

When you present your real complaint to your spouse, the one that goes to the heart of what is really upsetting you, you will find that they will now be easily able to relate to your complaint. In order to learn how to identify this issue, let’s first look at the role anger plays in relationship conflict.

The Rules Of Anger

Anger is very unique. Unlike other emotions, there is only one reason that we get angry at another person. When we get angry it is always because we believe they have broken a promise, rule, or agreement. In fact, you can easily test this theory out for yourself by simply remembering a time you were angry at someone. You will find that each time you were angry, you believed they had broken an agreement about how they were supposed to behave.

The key to finding the real reason you are angry is simply to apply the rules of anger. All you need to do is ask yourself what rule your partner broke, and you will discover your real issue beneath the complaint. To make it easier for you to figure out what rule you think your partner broke, it can be helpful to familiarize yourself with the five most common broken agreements in marriages. You will find that most complaints you have about your spouse are really complaints about them breaking one of these five relationship promises:

The Five Relationship Promises

1.  We promise to make a safe emotional environment for each other.

2.  We promise to think of our spouse’s needs as equally important as our own.

3.  We promise to share decision-making power and resources fairly.

4.  We promise to let our spouse to have their own beliefs and not try to get them to

adopt ours.

5.  We promise to behave in ways that are acceptable to our community, our friends or our

culture.

Although no one is perfect and we all break these promises from time to time, most people would agree that these five agreements are the essential ingredients to any marriage.

Changing a Broken Promise Into a Core Complaint

Here are some examples of how to present your core issue to your spouse instead of the outer complaint using the five relationship promises. First you will see the outer complaint which we usually express in highly emotional language. Then you will see the promise that was broken. Then you will see the core complaint which is what you can present to your spouse. Each example will correspond to one of the five relationship promises.

Phrasing Your Complaint

1. Outer Complaint: You don’t care about me at all!

Promise Broken: Not maintaining a safe emotional environment.

Core Complaint: I feel like you haven’t been making our relationship feel safe for me.

As you can see, underneath the drama is a real issue that has to be taken seriously. We all need to feel safe in our relationship.

2. Outer Complaint: You only think of yourself!

Promise Broken: The promise to honor our spouse’s needs in the same way we do our own.

Core Complaint: It feels like you aren’t thinking of my needs as being as important as your own.

Again, addressing the real issues turns an accusation into a valid problem that can be taken seriously.

Promise Broken: The promise to share resources equally.

Core Complaint: I feel like things haven’t been feeling fair recently. Can we find some time to talk about how to divide things up in a way that we both feel good about?

This is a great way to remind your partner that a partnership is 50/50.

4. Outer Complaint: Stop trying to control me!

Promise Broken: The promise to not try to impose our beliefs on our spouse.

Core Complaint: It feels like you are trying to get me to do something I don’t believe in.

5. Outer Complaint:  How could you humiliate me like that!

Promise Broken: The promise to behave appropriately.

Core Complaint:  It feels like you are acting in a way that disrespects my culture (or my family or my values).

When It Is Your Spouse Doing The Complaining

Now let’s take a look at how to handle your partner’s complaints about you. You are going to use the same core complaints, but this time you can imagine your spouse is the one making the complaint. To reverse the conflict, all you have to do is reverse the core complaint by turning it into a question like this:

THEM: You don’t care about me at all!

YOU: Have you been feeling like I haven’t been making our relationship feel like a safe place for you?

These are exactly the kind of words we all want to hear from our spouse when we are feeling unloved.

THEM: You only think of yourself!

YOU: Have you been feeling like I am not thinking of your needs being as important as my own?

This type of response shows you really care after all.

THEM: You always get what you want and I never get anything!

YOU: Have you been feeling like things haven’t been fair recently? Do you want to find some time so we can talk about how to divide things up in a way that we both feel good about?

This is a great way to assure your spouse that you know a partnership is 50/50.

THEM: Stop trying to control me!

YOU: Are you feeling like I am trying to get you to do something you don’t believe in?

This will show you really understand.

THEM: How could you humiliate me like that!

YOU: Are you concerned that I might be acting in a way that will seem disrespectful to our culture (or our families or your values)?

Using these easy techniques you will find that conflict, instead of pulling you apart, can become a way for you to connect as you both come to realize that your relationship concerns are truly universal and that your partner is actually capable of understanding your concerns after all.

Related Posts:

Are You Being Blamed For Your Wife’s Relationship Insecurity?

Is Your Spouse On Your Side?

Four Questions You Need To Be Asking To Help Save Your Marriage

Marriage Entitlement-When Your Spouse Gives Too Much or Takes Too Little

Marriage Entitlement: When Your Love Is Not Enough

If you would like to learn the Nicola Method so you can put an end to the high conflict situations you may be experiencing, click on this link to the welcome page of this website where you will find the resources you need. If you want to try out some of the basic techniques of this method for free to see if this method is right for your situation, you can learn them from an intro guide flip-book here or a PDF version of the intro guide here.

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