Women With Traits of BPD: Why Can’t She Trust Me?
Understanding Why Women With Traits of BPD Lose Trust
If you have ever tried to get close to a woman with traits of borderline personality disorder, or BPD, you probably know firsthand that getting this individual to trust you is an ongoing uphill battle and in many cases literally impossible. Women with traits of BPD often interpret the innocent behavior of those they are close to as malicious or filled with negative intentions.
Although there are several different aspects of this particular behavior pattern, in this blog post we will be addressing one of the most common reasons that women with traits of BPD can never seem to maintain a sense of trust in their relationships with others. We will also be taking a closer look at how our misunderstanding of what is behind this distrust may actually be contributing to the frustration and pain we feel when trying to win over one of these individuals.
Most of us believe, when we observe the behavior of women with traits of BPD, that they are in a constant struggle to trust those who they are closest to. It can be baffling to witness them continually fail to trust people who are obviously not going to hurt them. The key to understanding why no matter how hard we try we can never prove to these individuals that we are trustworthy may be very different than what you imagine.
The woman with traits of BPD might not be trying to overcome her lack of trust at all. She may, in fact, be distrusting you on purpose. In other words, what you are perceiving as her struggle to trust you may actually be a struggle to avoid trust at any cost.
This mix-up in the true motivation of the woman with traits of BPD can draw those around her into a destructive cycle of rejection. As painful as this form of repeated rejection is for those on the receiving end, the woman with traits of BPD may be getting relief from what she considers a very painful state.
Although it may sound odd to imagine someone needing to escape from a state of trust, the act of rejecting can be actually serve a very useful purpose for someone who is incapable of tolerating being rejected. In fact, this dysfunctional coping pattern of entering a state of distrust may be the only way she can allow herself to feel safe enough to stay connected.
Let’s now take a look at what trust may feel like to a person who is so sensitive to betrayal and rejection that they actually prefer the safety that doubt and suspicion provides. As it turns out, protecting themselves by deciding in advance that we are about to hurt them is an effective way for many of these women to navigate through their fears of intimacy while guaranteeing their emotional safety.
Unfortunately this wall of doubt and suspicion also guards against any form of emotional connection. Therefore, in order for her to get her closeness needs met while still guaranteeing she cannot be hurt through rejection, she must alternate between bringing those she cares about very close to her and then pushing them away. This behavior may be clearly hurting the ones she loves. However, the relief that being in a state of distrust provides to her may override her guilt about the pain she is causing.
In order to truly understand how the state of trust that most of us seek for comfort can be anything but comfortable for women with traits of BPD, we must also take a look at our own relationship to trust. Let’s start by looking at how most of us perceive or define trust in our relationships with others.
Trust: An Asset or a Liability?
If you are like most people, you consider trust to be something positive, something you give to others so they can relax in their relationships with you. You probably experience trust as a state of mind which you try to achieve. Because we experience trust as a rewarding aspect of relationships, it may be eye-opening to realize that trust for those with traits of BPD is often perceived as a liability in a relationship.
Not only do some women with traits of BPD try to avoid trust to maintain their sense of comfort within their close relationships, but they may actually use distrust as a defense mechanism that allows them to manage their deepest fears of being used or rejected. It is this defense mechanism that creates in some women the near-paranoid state of mind from which our innocent intentions can so easily be interpreted as malicious.
Like all defense mechanisms, chronic or irrational distrust is not a behavior pattern that can be directly addressed. Defense mechanisms kick in when our deepest primal instincts to protect ourselves are triggered. Just as we are wired for fight or flight when our physical wellbeing is threatened, we also have defensive reflexes that protect us from psychological threats.
A woman with traits of BPD often has extraordinarily high sensitivity to threats to her emotional wellbeing. These defenses are very powerful and will keep her from being able to see reason even in the face of clear evidence that her suspicions are unfounded.
Although this type of coping mechanism may seem extreme, the behavior itself is understandable. Like all behaviors associated with BPD, the behavior itself is actually quite recognizable when we see it in a less extreme form. In fact, most of us have probably engaged in this defense mechanism at some point in our lives.
We all tend to fall into this pattern from time to time to protect ourselves when we are worried that those who are supposed to care about us might not. Let’s take a quick look at how the average person might use this defense mechanism.
When we find ourselves doubting the loyalty of those we care about, instead of letting ourselves sink down into a fearful state we may choose to puff ourselves up and tell ourselves that this person wasn’t worth it in the first place or that we never trusted them or that they simply are not worthy of our affection.
Many times when our suspicions are proven wrong, we find ourselves in the embarrassing position of having to admit to ourselves or others that our earlier assessment of this innocent person was not only wrong, but also somewhat irrational.
As we look at the patterns of women with traits of BPD, we eventually discover that all of their negative behaviors are normal human reactions to common fears around betrayal and rejection. But there is one more aspect to this behavior that causes us confusion. In order to understand this aspect we must turn our attention to what is often referred to as fear of intimacy.
Fear of Intimacy In Women With Traits of BPD
Although we may be familiar with people who have problems trusting others due to fear of intimacy, most individuals with this problem seem to respond in a different way than those with traits of BPD. People with fear of intimacy very often will wall themselves off emotionally. In other words, they usually try to either stay away from very close relationships or maintain emotional distance when they are in them.
The difference between the average person with fear of intimacy and a woman with traits of BPD is often the presence of a single trait or personality characteristic. This trait by itself is not problematic for most people. However, when paired with the trait of emotional oversensitivity, it creates a perfect storm which drives the behavior of push and pull so often seen in women with traits of BPD.
The second trait that fills in the missing puzzle piece surrounding distrust in these women is an unusually strong need for closeness. This continual longing for closeness that drives them to seek out connection is equally strong as their fear of betrayal. When these two traits pair together the resulting ricochet effect from the two competing fears can psychologically batter those who try to get too close.
Let’s now take a look at how these competing traits compel women with traits of BPD to at first draw us in and then, when we are too close for comfort, to push us away. You may have experienced this pair of traits as one painful event where you finally achieved enough trust to let your guard down only to find yourself rejected and labeled a villain. Or you may instead have experienced this push and pull as a constant series of rejections followed by repeated attempts to then win you back.
In order to move one step closer in understanding to this push/pull behavior pattern we will need to examine how people cope with the all too human fear of getting hurt by a person we are supposed to trust.
Are You Being Tested
When we find ourselves doubting the intentions of those we are close to, we have two options in resolving our suspicions. We can choose to give the person the benefit of the doubt by remaining emotionally open and asking them if the action was malicious. This can be risky because by giving benefit of the doubt, we may end up being painfully rejected.
Our second option is a much less risky approach. Instead of giving a benefit of the doubt, we can do the opposite and decide in advance not to trust. It is this second option that the person with traits of BPD will often choose in order to resolve their suspicion without having to expose themselves to the possibility of painful rejection.
By deciding in advance that the action was malicious and closing down emotionally, the woman with traits of BPD can find out whether she has been betrayed while hiding safely behind the accusation of disloyalty. This test is performed by proclaiming in advance that a person has malicious intent and then deciding from the innocent person’s reaction to this accusation whether to believe them or not.
This form of testing seems highly manipulative, yet is not an altogether conscious act. As with all other defense mechanisms, these behaviors are driven by unconscious psychological forces that kick into gear in order to provide protection from feelings that are too uncomfortable to face.
Even though we may not be able to blame a woman with traits of BPD for her inability to trust, the unfortunate truth is that without trust it is impossible to have a secure connection which is essential in a healthy and productive relationship.
In Part 2 of Women With Traits of BPD: Regaining Her Trust, you will be presented with a simple formula that you can use to overcome the fears around trust that prevent so many women with traits of BPD from having healthy and productive relationships.
Related Posts:
Women on the Spectrum of BPD: Did She Really Love Me?
BPD and the Nice Guy Personality Type
Did Your Ex-Girlfriend Have Traits Of Borderline Personality Disorder?
Identifying Traits of BPD In Women Before Relationship Commitment
Romantic Idealization And Devaluation In Women With Traits of BPD
Women With Traits of BPD – Why Men Stay
Did Your Ex-Girlfriend Have Traits of BPD: How to Let Go of the Good Times
Did Your Ex-Girlfriend Have Traits of BPD-The Defense Mechanism of Projection
Note To Readers: I’d like to take a moment to thank all of you who have taken the time to post in my comments section. Your questions, opinions and personal stories form an invaluable contribution to this important discussion.
If you would like to learn the Nicola Method so you can put an end to the high conflict situations you may be experiencing, click on this link to the welcome page of this website where you will find the resources you need.
If you want to try out some of the basic techniques of this method for free to see if this method is right for your situation, you can learn them from an intro guide flip-book here or a PDF version of the intro guide here.
Awesome share thank you.
Hi,
I was very interested to come across one of your articles, why she can’t say she is sorry, won’t admit she is wrong. I’ve been searching for answers to a lot of questions that I had during and since the second abrupt and awful break up with my GF after a turbulent four years. It’s one of the only times I’ve come across so much that crystallises what I had been asking myself and other!
After reading your blogs, hard as some of this might be to apply regularly, especially in the early days, I at least know now that there were some helpful ways to manage the behaviour and reduce the likelihood or a flare up going on and escalating too rapidly.
I do find myself missing her badly, despite many months since we were together, so the blogs that talk about the difficulty of breaking free are equally helpful.
But i am a little confused, after reading these posts it would appear there are two distinct approaches, in trying to stay in or regain the relationship. In understanding how some of hers and my own securities and triggers are activated; and how we traditionally respond, but more importantly, how we can choose to respond in a way that shows we have heard and validated he feelings. BUT there also appears to be an almost counter argument about the damage that this type of relationship can do to you if you are on the receiving end. Therefore appearing to promote how to get out and stay out of the damaging relationship.
My questions is how do we correctly assess if it is a relationship we should try to recover, or run like hell from?
As you mentioned, earlier they can be extremely painful and leave you wondering how much you are at blame, and how you can fix it.
Thanks and keep up the great work
James
James, Thank you for this comment about this complex subject. I will try to address this question in detail in a future blog post. Women with traits of BPD’s behavior can range from very mild to extremely destructive. And the methods I teach range from addressing mildly controlling behavior to full rehabilitation of individuals with traits of BPD. So there are many variables that go into determining when it’s appropriate to use the tools and when you should simply leave the relationship.
My general advice is to use the set of tools that stop controlling, manipulative and abusive behavior on any person in any situation that you find yourself in. These tools are self-protective. They do not heal the person who is offending you, but they take away the ability for them to use these habitual behaviors on you.
But there is one exception to this rule. If you are a nice-guy type that has fallen for a woman with traits of BPD in her idealization phase, you need to extricate yourself from this relationship as soon as possible. The dynamic between the personality type of the nice guy and the woman with traits of BPD creates a dangerous Venus fly trap for these men. They become enmeshed in a way that even after breakup can take years of recovery often including expensive therapy to move on from. These relationships are absolutely debilitating for them and the sooner they get out the better.
The second set of tools for rehabilitation for women with traits of BPD is meant for family members. These could be mothers, fathers, sisters or brothers or spouses who have children with a woman with traits of BPD. The process of rehabilitation can take up to a year or more. It is a thankless job that is not actually an appropriate role for a family member to take on. The woman who is rehabilitated will not revert back to her state of idealization once her issues around abandonment have healed. So the person doing the work needs to know that he will never get the woman he first fell in love with back.
The methods I teach should not be necessary. The only reason I am making them available is because in my opinion there is now a near epidemic level of emotional dysregulation among woman with an equal amount of men whose lives they have decimated, particularly after divorce.
The therapeutic community has not yet caught up, and there is no education nor resources available for this very treatable problem. So although I have very mixed feelings about teaching family members how to rehabilitate women with traits of BPD, until dialectical behavioral therapy is available to everyday woman, these tools for family members will have to do.
I have a different take on this as I have BPD. It is pure projection. We don’t trust others and we perceive them as uncaring because we are the ones who are untrustworthy and uncaring. It’s subconscious, we aren’t aware of it because it lives in our shadow self, like Jung’s theory. We aren’t aware of how bad we are, we just project our ugly truths onto others. We’re the ones who don’t care and deep down we are selfish and sociopathic. Our version of “love” has strings attached. As soon as you disappoint us in the slightest way, our viciousness and cruelty comes out. Then we justify it by blaming you for it. We don’t feel empathy for you because we justified it. Trying to keep bps in your life is a waste of time. We are sociopaths that truly believe we are mother Teresa.
Hi Joanna,
I’m a couple of months out of a two-year relationship with a person with BPD (or traits). Like many, I wasn’t aware of this disorder beforehand. Despite all the turmoil, emotional upheaval and overwhelming evidence to suggest that my partner’s behaviour wasn’t ‘normal’, I failed recognize a pattern as such. Rather, I became aware of a repeated ‘process’, whereby she would precipitate an argument over my commitment, loyalty, trustworhiness, thoughtfullness, caring, lack of affection and desire to be with her. The smallest thing would be irrefutable ‘evidence’ or proof of my unworthiness. Like so many others, I was made to feel wholly responsible for everything that went wrong in our relationship; she was blameless; she never apologized for her abusive tirades, belittling language or hurtful behaviour. Such was her ability to twist the facts during arguments that I would feel exasperated beyond reason, unable to articulate or even get my thoughts in order. On such occassions I’d lose control and storm out…thus confirming her belief that I was, in deed, emotionally immature, volatile, destined to abandon her! Since the break up, the absence of drama is palpable. I’m still haunted, daily, by unsolicited thoughts and feelings. This will come to pass. The challenge now, is to rebuild those aspects of my self esteem that were systematically destroyed by this encounter, and to understand what attributes of my nature prompted me to remain in such an abusive relationship for as long as I did.
Like James above, I like to extend my thanks for your insightful articles on BPD ( & traits). It’s reassuring to know that there are people out there, such as yourself, who can shed light on the complexities of this disorder in plain, uderstandable terms.
As for those who suffer from BPD, we do love you….honestly….which makes it all the more painful when you won’t accept it
Jonathan, it’s good to know the blog has been helpful, and thanks for your description of what you went through. I think hearing others stories is a big part of the recovery from this very painful type of breakup.
Is your commitment to exposing the naked truth of women bpd to the poor ngs who fall for them not an extention of your bpd?…you dont seem to explore the inner emotional conflict in the bpd woman…the prev child abuse that usually underpins it …nor the pain or isolation it causes the woman….yet thro ur blogs ..u get the praise of many many injured ngs…without intimacy….what bpd woman doesnt desire that??
There’s one insidious consequence of living with a person with BPD, that becomes much more apparent after the break-up. I believe it’s important for non BPDs to acknowledge this early, as it will help towards healing. This is based on my own experience, so may not ring true for others:
During the throes of the relationship, my memory of events, reasoning and rationale were always called into question during arguments.She seemed unable to address the issue at hand, and would draw upon each and every example of where, how and when I was at fault, how I’d not lived up the person I claimed to be, how I didn’t meet or satisfy her needs. This would then turn into an attack on my nature…my inability to show affection, intimacy, love and empathy. At the time, this modus operandi would render me emotionally overwhelmed…with vitriol and heavy sarcasm, backed up with ‘proof’ of my shortcomings, I’d feel paralyzed. It was an emotional assault. I’d still be wrestling with the first concern while she had reeled off a dozen or so other complaints…always my fault. The worst of it was that I was never allowed the time and space to process, because she would then accuse me of playing ‘mind games’ or deliberately trying to hurt her if I hadn’t contacted her within a day or two. I’d end up apologizing for the pain and upset that I’d caused her, and offer reassurance of my love and commitment….she was a real piece of work, made all the worse by her intellect.
The inevitable consequence of being subjected to this behaviour on a regular basis is that you start to question your own version of events, your own sense of reality, your ‘truth’, such as it is. Which brings me to my original point. With the absence of drama following the break up, while you now have the time and space to process the emotional fall-out one would asssociate with a ‘normal’ break up, your reasoning and rationale are still highly susceptible to being hijacked the moment you try to make sense of it all. I can’t think of my ex without an immediate (and painful) emotional response. Sound reasoning and rationale based on the facts (which most men would normally employ to self-soothe) can’t be called upon….which leaves the questions unresolved and the self-doubt unattended…
I hope this may make sense to others who have been through a similar experience. Without wishing to sound in any way ungrateful, I know I can’t expect anything more than sympathy and general support from family and friends since they cannot relate to my circumstances. Moreover, people who know my ex partner on a superficial level would find it impossible to believe that someone so seemingly good-natured, confident and charming could harbour such a destructively dark side. This means that I have effectively cut myself off from a large group of mutual acquaintances while I’m No Contact, because I can’t stomach the duplicity, knowing what she can be like.
So, let it be known that the feeling of being controlled and isolated doesn’t end with the physical break-up. Triggering, avoiding certain social interractions and a multitude of unsolicited thoughts and feelings await. It’s vital to know that once free from the situation, it’s down to finding strategies to control and subdue the irrational thoughts that enter your mind, until sound reasoning returns to confirm you’ve made the right decision to leave
Thanks, Jonathan. This is an excellent summation of the extraordinary complexity involved with healing from one these relationships.
Thank you for such useful information. I see that I am not alone in dealing with situations that are similar to the other readers. Thank you Joanna and thank all who have posted their experiences. The Nicola Method appears to have all the ” bases covered” when dealing with this particular condition.
“But there is one exception to this rule. If you are a nice-guy type that has fallen for a woman with traits of BPD in her idealization phase, you need to extricate yourself from this relationship as soon as possible.”
That’s my situation six years of turbulence. I was the one that would break up with her, but I really doubt there was anyway we could of stayed together. It seemed she picked the time when everything was good to find a reason to start a fight. So two years later I still think about her and wonder if I had tried harder, but I don’t think it was my choice. I finally did walk away.
My ex is bpd and I have a 3 year old son with her,she discarded 7months ago,and moving back down the road, I know she’s be involved with other men,and I have manage my life,after her discard,I don’t want her back,I just want her to allow me time with my son,when ever she calls,she would ask me to come,and if told her I would come another day,she will agree,but let me call on the day I’m coming,then she don’t answer her phone,but calls me 6hrs later, saying she was by her mother and forgot her other cell at home,but when I called the other no,she reject my call,what’s her problem,what does she want from me? I must admit,I blow my top,when I reach her! And I accused her of being like her abusers,narc mother,and sexual abuser stepfather,whom she continues to see, I know they the reason for her never getting better,after all the answers I seeked.she refuses to break ties with yhese sick people,but how can I get her to do what I want? Where my son is concern?
Jerome, when it comes to your son, you will probably need to go through the courts. It may be a very difficult route, but your son does need you in his life, and the chances of your ex allowing you visitation or custoday without a court order may be very slim.
Im a women with bland it’s sad to read these comments. I notice that you all point out the problem with the sickness but not what you contribute to it. We don’t jist wake up an decide not to you. There are occasionally time where you may have lied about something minor. But neither the less it was a lie. My way of thinking is if you lies about that what else wouldlie about. People with bpd have experienced a lot of pain In their lives. An yes we have trust and abandoment issues. But we love deeply..give our unconstitutional loyalty.
I was so upset writing this. Please excuse the typos
Hello- I do not have BPD but I do have some of the traits. Now in my 40’s, I see and understand that both my father and paternal grandmother also had these traits, if not the blown disease. I had a terribly turbulent childhood because of my fathers illness and no early intervention for my own. I have read your article and the posts following it. It is true. I saw so much of myself in what you have described. I just recently had a relationship and I did the pull very close and then push away method of retaining my desperate need for closeness/safety. He was absolutely baffled by my behavior. I tried to explain that it took time for me to trust someone and that it would get better. It did get better but by that point, he was hurt and emotionally exhausted. I couldn’t blame him. Its a very hard situation for both people. I feel constant fear both of ruining every new relationship that i have while also juggling the fear of rejection. I was married once. It was a stressful relationship and I turned to chronic cheating to meet my needs. It wasn’t until the last 3 or 4 years that I realized that my behavior was very left of center and I could be ill. I am a good person (I believe) and fairly sane and rational in my daily life but my need for closeness and desperate fears of abandonment were always central themes in my life. I had a complete inability to trust. Now that I know why, its much better and Im taking strides to heal. We are not all a lost cause. Sometimes we just need a very understanding partner to help us over those humps. Self awareness is the key, however. When I didn’t understand why I felt the way that I did, it was in fact “everyone else” who caused my pain. Thanks for your post. Very interesting.
Are these awful things true. I don’t deserve to exist if they are.
Kelpie, what is being described in this blog is a behavior pattern that is common in many women, most whose sensitivities are not extreme enough to qualify them for a diagnosis. My blog posts on this subject are directed for the most part to men in relationships with women who may have traits of BPD but who are not in enough pain to qualify them for the diagnosis.
So although these behaviors are associated with BPD, you certainly don’t need to have BPD to engage in them. These behavior patterns are not optimal but they are normal human defense mechanisms, and even in their extreme form they can be reversed. Your awareness of your condition and your wish to seek help put you in a very different category than the women I write about.
Best of luck in your recovery from this very painful condition.
Joanna,
This is the most judgemental and misdirecting post on people actually suffering from the disorder. Most women in this situation are dealing with immense pain and trauma that has made life in itself insufferable for them, as they are unable to feel safe enough to entirely trust in a “nice guy”. these are women who have trusted, been betrayed, and by virtue of being different have often been ganged up on by even close circles of friends. I have worked with enough people with such a past to know what I’m talking about. Rather than tell these “poor nice guys” to stay the hell away, it might be more worthwhile to educate on the underlying motivation that often (though I agree not always) drive such behaviors and let adults make their own decisions. It might help with the stigma surrounding such a diagnoses and help society as a whole. I have seen so called nice guys make fun of girlfriends with bpd rather than treat them with compassion. spread understanding and not persecution please.
I’ve read so much material about this subject but this is by far my favorite on the trust issues. you make perfect sense out of nonsense and only us victims truly understand it. thank you for the validation, it’s crucial! I’m still with my uBPD girlfriend (over 4 years). My life before her was so amazing, i try to remember but it’s such a distant memory since these 4 years have been a living hell (well, 3 years since i was idolized the first year). the old me would have never tolerated this behavior but they gradually erode you. i feel too eroded to leave at the moment but i hope to regain the strength i used to have in order to set myself free.
Well…I was so relieved at first to find an article explaining the trust issues, and was going to have my partner read it with me, to maybe help him understand why I get mad and suspicious about things like him looking at other womens fetlife profile pictures at 3 am while Im sleeping, and other things like him looking up tons of random womens names on facebook that Ive never heard of that live in our town. But…this whole article now appears to find the “poor nice guy” a complete victim and he should just run away and find a therapist so he can heal from such a terrible ordeal. Yes, women with BPD have trust issues to put it mildly, but that does not mean that the man can just do whatever the heck he wants short of actually cheating, and not expect the woman to get upset about it. To feel like a victim of a situation you yourself instigated is a little narcissistic, yeah? lol Let he who is without sin cast the first stone….
bpd seems like simply a misogynist label for women. Do men actually love women? Most do not.
Most only care about sex and are emotionally unavailable. Most cheat. Most even check out other women right in front of you. So… in one example… I am reasonably happy and feel good about myself most of the time. One day I find myself unwillingly getting attached to a casual partner. He claims to feel the same way, but we all know men will say ANYTHING to get or continue a sex supply, sooo…. When I go away on a trip and he doesnt attempt at all to keep in touch during the 3 weeks Im supposed to magically think hes so into me? When he says he will attend one of my saturday singing events ONLY if his son doesnt want to hang out, and this son is 25 years old, Im supposed to think nothing of this? I guess Im just “crazy” for wanting a man that actually is into me and likes me. and the ex bf who started a conversation about moving in together and then said he only wants the lease in MY name? I guess Im supposed to think thats ok too. Almost anything is ok and acceptable as long as it has a penis. How sexist. I tell you what, Im not crazy, Im smart. I refuse to fall second to men, and be theyre free plaything which is what most women are to them.
Comment in response to Sadie and GFD.
As a man who has loved every woman in every relationship he has ever been in, and who has massive trust issues due to my own childhood trauma, and betrayal emotionally from many of these women as well. I can tell you right now that the reason for any man or woman to behave badly is due to one thing and one thing only and that is selfishness. So yes the men you have been with have been intensely selfish and have played mind games. Of my 6 relationships in the past, I’m 44 I have also unfortunately dealt with very selfish women. I just ended an 8 1/2 year relationship with a woman in which I broke up with her 4 times over the years because of her selfish and controlling tendencies. She also refused to apologize without pleading or coaxing. If it doesn’t come naturally or willfully she or he doesn’t mean it. These multiple disorders are not truly personality disorders they are character disordered people. They lack caring, integrity, and empathy because they are selfish and emotionally immature. I consider myself a good man who loves to support, love, encourage, behave straightforwardly and assertive. However, most humans, most people of all genders do not, and will not put the emotional effort out to care for the heart of their mates or potential mates.
If a man loves and truly cares for a woman he puts her first, and she puts him first. No games, no BS, no manipulation, no using, no leading on, no abusiveness, and no control. Just as for both of you I have experienced great distrust and pain, but do NOT take it out on the next person because I am mature. These people are not.
Push pull dynamic does not in any way mean a person has BPD. This is really frightening that it’s portrayed that way.