Can We Stop Emotional Abuse?
Can We Stop Emotional Abuse?
Part 1: Understanding The Mechanics of Emotional Abuse
Part 1: Understanding The Mechanics of Emotional Abuse
Have you always thought that emotional abuse was something that you had to learn to live with or lose the relationship? Many people give up trying to stop emotional abuse because they have been told it can’t be done. This misunderstanding can lead those who have been emotionally abused to leave their spouse, their family, or in some cases their jobs. And for those who choose to stay in emotionally abusive situations, not knowing how to stop it can bring them years of unnecessary suffering.
The truth is there are strategies that work, not just to help you cope with an emotional abuser, not just to help you manage an emotional abuser, and not just to protect yourself from an emotional abuser. These strategies allow you to actually stop emotional abuse during an episode.
With consistent use, they allow you to put an end to this destructive behavior pattern for good. Just as learning a martial art can give you a sense of physical security, the strategies you are about to learn can give you a sense of emotional security in knowing you can protect yourself from any emotional attacker.
The Myths Surrounding Emotional Abuse
The Myths Surrounding Emotional Abuse
You may be wondering how anyone could possibly overcome what most of us assume is an insurmountable problem. The reason so many people give up trying to stop emotional abuse is because they often lack the understanding of what drives an emotional abuser to hurt those around them. Because of the confusion surrounding this behavior pattern, they fail to make a very important observation about emotional abuse that could give them the clues necessary to put together a plan to stop an emotional abuser’s negative behavior once and for all.
When we take the time to carefully examine the behavior pattern that all emotional abusers engage in, we discover a very important fact. Emotional abuse is actually a type of coping behavior that all people use at some point in their lives to escape from uncomfortable feelings. However, the abuser uses this coping mechanism at such an extreme level that we commonly fail to see this connection and along with it the solution to the problem.
Let’s now take a look at what causes these coping mechanisms and why all of us fall into this common behavior pattern from time to time.
How Defense Mechanisms Protect Us From Emotional Pain
How Defense Mechanisms Protect Us From Emotional Pain
Coping behaviors that take the form of defense mechanisms are most easily understood as defensive maneuvers or steps that our brain takes in order to protect us from unpleasant emotions. When the brain believes there is an emotional threat, it takes special precautions to cushion us from excessive levels of pain.
In emergency situations where our brain predicts there will be too much pain to handle, this control center is capable of literally blocking our awareness of things that have happened. But most of the time this cognitive machinery works behind the scenes. It monitors our pain levels and steps in only when necessary to help us out during times of emotional difficulty. Let’s now take a look at the method that this self-protecting part of our brain uses to cushion us from everyday emotional pain.
Because it is our thoughts that produce emotional pain, the way our brain steps in to protect us is to simply redirect our thoughts in ways that keep us from coming to painful conclusions about our situation. Our brains are very good at diverting our attention away from unpleasant truths and re-framing harsh realities in ways that protect us from the bad feelings that accompany them. It accomplishes this by feeding in thoughts to our conscious mind that minimize negative aspects of our situation and maximize positive aspects.
Usually these behind-the-scenes attempts to influence us are mild. However, when our brain begins to suspect that we are about to focus on something too painful to for us to handle, it will step up its efforts. It may even resort to manipulation and outright deceit in order to keep us from facing the truth.
When we are alone, we barely notice this influence. But when other people enter the picture, our control center may decide even more serious intervention is necessary. It may realize that not only does it need to maintain control over our thoughts, but that it also must control the thoughts of those around us who may threaten the rosy picture our brain would like us to use in place of reality.
The Role of Controlling Behavior In Defense Mechanisms
The Role of Controlling Behavior In Defense Mechanisms
When our brains deceive us in an attempt to keep us safe, we enter into what could be called a fictional reality. We perceive our thoughts and feelings to be quite rational. However, those around us who are more rooted in real life may find our conclusions while in this fictional reality to be distorted.
When we express our distorted view of life, the people around us often become uncomfortable and may question our conclusions. The protective brain finds these questions very threatening to the fragile illusion it has created for us. Because it does not have the ability to influence the behavior of another person, it will try to manipulate us into controlling the person instead.
The way our brains accomplish this is by launching a quick smear campaign aimed at getting us to either disrespect what this person is saying or else verbally attack them so they are no longer a threat. We may all of a sudden have a thought that the person who is questioning us is actually just trying to give us a hard time and is not on our side at all.
We may have a thought that what we are saying is so obvious that we don’t have to listen to any other opinions. We may even have a sudden surge of anger and find ourselves hurling an insult at the person which stops the conversation entirely.
Defense Mechanism Triggers
Defense Mechanism Triggers
So what is it that triggers or sets off this protective coping mechanism causing it to engage? The protective brain only seems to step in when we are not able to manage emotional pain on our own. Most of us learn as we move through childhood how to regulate our emotional states. We learn from our early caregivers how to take care of our emotional pain, soothing ourselves in the same way our parents used to soothe us when we were afraid or upset.
Emotional abuse occurs when we either lack the skills to regulate our emotions or when feelings come up that are so difficult to handle that the emergency control center must take over to get us through. The feelings that most often trigger this defense mechanism are feelings surrounding shame. They usually center around the fear that others will reject us for having faults or weakness.
All people have weaknesses that cause them to do things that make them feel bad about themselves. Whether we are able to face our weaknesses and admit to them in front of others depends on how strong we are feeling. When we are feeling strong, we find we can still like ourselves even though we have faults. Feeling strong also allows us to believe others will still like us even when we show them our weaknesses.
When we are not feeling strong, our fears about our flaws can easily take over and produce very high levels of emotional pain driven by the fear of social rejection. It is this fear that triggers the self-protecting part of our brain to step in.
Common Patterns of Blame-Shifting
Common Patterns of Blame-Shifting
Let’s now take a look at the mild version of this coping mechanism that most of us use in our everyday life when we are not feeling strong in order to try to hide from our flaws. Here are a few situations where any one of us might have a lapse in self-esteem that causes us to blame another person instead of facing our faults:
We stay in bed until the last possible minute, and then when we find ourselves late for our meeting we get angry at the other drivers on the road instead of getting angry at ourselves.
We find ourselves chronically missing deadlines at work. When our coworker gets the promotion we wanted we tell ourselves that our boss is a jerk instead of taking responsibility for our procrastination problem.
After we are rejected by what we thought was a promising love interest, our previous perception of their flawless personality all of a sudden becomes riddled with character defects.
For most of us these defense mechanisms only come into play when we are having a particularly hard time facing our feelings related to a sensitive area or on days when we are struggling more than usual to cope with the upsets of our daily life. Although these are minor examples of shifting blame to another person so we can ward off feelings of shame, this pattern, when taken to extremes, is the same behavior pattern that emotional abusers use.
Let’s now take a look at what happens when this behavior pattern gets out of control resulting in a potential pattern of emotional abuse:
When Blame-Shifting Becomes Abuse
When Blame-Shifting Becomes Abuse
The emotional abuser does not need to use the excuse of being late to get angry at those who are in their way. Any action taken by another that could be perceived as a power play over the abuser triggers immediate retribution in the form of denigrating language or threatening gestures or words aimed at psychologically disabling those around them from taking advantage of the weakness they are hiding from.
The emotional abuser is the most vulnerable in the arena of romance. This is where we are all at highest risk for emotional pain through humiliation. The emotional abuser senses that their love interest will always possess the ultimate power over them. In order to guarantee they will not be humiliated and betrayed they will go to any length to denigrate and demean their romantic partner to ensure they never feel strong enough to take advantage of the abuser’s glaring vulnerability in this area.
Understanding the Similarities And Differences
Understanding the Similarities And Differences
Emotional abusers have a lack of skills necessary to manage their painful emotions along with chronic low self-esteem. For them, using protective coping mechanisms often becomes a way of life. However, it is important to remember that each of us is capable of throwing our ethics to the wind temporarily when we are feeling self-protective. Understanding how our protective control center steps in to take over during times of low self-esteem provides us insight into the motivation and the means of the emotional abuser.
Although we may tend to try to distance ourselves from the emotional abuser, in reality it is much more challenging than we might imagine to keep conscious control over our behavior towards others. It is very easy, when our emergency control center takes over the helm, for our relationships to become a breeding ground for emotional abuse.
In Part 2 of the blog series Can We Stop Emotional Abuse, we will be exploring another hidden vulnerability in each of us that leaves us defenseless against the tactics used by the emotional abuser. In discovering where we are open to these attacks, we can also learn how to shore up the chinks in our protective armor, leaving the emotional abuser unable to take advantage of us again.
If you would like to skip to the techniques that stop emotional abuse, you can move directly to that link, which will take you to Part 4 of this blog series.
If you would like to learn the Nicola Method so you can put an end to the high conflict situations you may be experiencing, click on this link to the welcome page of this website where you will find the resources you need.
If you want to try out some of the basic techniques of this method for free to see if this method is right for your situation, you can learn them from an intro guide flip-book here or a PDF version of the intro guide here.
Joanna, I really enjoyed reading your article and I was happy to find such good strategies for conflict resolutions. I am in a difficult situation because my parents in law cannot stop trying to controll our lives. We have our own kids now, but they still feel the need to tell us what to do. They always criticize, in their opinion we (and anything else for that matter) cannot do anything right, therefore we need to be told what to do, how to raise our children and how to live our lives. I have always been very respectful to them, but they make me loose sleep over the way they want to controll us. I did not want to get in the middle of this (they have always been this way), but since they want to constantly meddle in our lives,I feel that I am in the middle of it already. They think that if they repeat the same request (“do what I said, because I am always right”) over and over again, it will actually make us change our minds. My husband told them a couple of times that we hear them, we understand that they have good intentions, but we are adults and completely capable of making good decisions for our family. They just cannot stop… My main concern are our kids now, we don’t want them to hear this kind of comfruntations. We read a lot of books about parenting and we want to set a good example for them. Do you have any advice on what technique might work in this kind of situation? Any discussion with them will make them raise their woices and get into a big argument. They never ever apologize or even consider that they might not be right all the time. We all know that what might seem right for some people, is not necessary right for others. Thank you so much!
Anna, all of my techniques are non-confrontational and can work to stop controlling in-laws. You may want to begin by taking a look at my introductory guide which is a free download from my home page, and starting with those techniques. This will provide you with language that will help you stop their behavior without getting into any confrontation. You can also take a look at my blog post on how to work with controlling in-laws. I will also give you a few phrases that can help you out that are a little more specific to your situation.
“It sounds like because you believe your idea is best that I will feel the same way.”
“It sounds like you believe that we share your approach to doing things.”
“It sounds like you think I should give up my belief about how things should be done and do everything your way.”
“It sounds like you think that everyone feels the same way about that as you do.”
You will have to memorize them because the language is deceivingly complex and will only work well if repeated exactly as written.”
Basically your in-laws are having a great time doing things exactly the way they want to. Like spoiled children they aren’t going to give up always being able to do things their way. So you will have to make them a little bit uncomfortable many times. By using my method you will gradually teach them that you are going to spoil their fun each time they impose their ways of doing things on you.
When you consistently make them examine the difficult questions that are hidden in the language from my method, they will on their own stop trying to dominate you because all the fun will be taken out of it. Being a good in-law is actually very difficult for parents and takes a lot of self-restraint. You may have to gently teach your in-laws to mind your boundaries over time just like you would a child.
Our son-in-law is abusive. He blows up. He did it with his brother when they owned a restaurant together. They name call and belittle. Now, he did it to me in front of my husband, so at least I was not alone. He went out of his head with anger, yelling, and made-up realities and stories. I asked questions, but he was too far gone to answer rationally. He started by saying he hated me from the beginning of his relationship with my daughter. I found this confusing since my husband and I opened our home to them to live with us and save money for a home, and then I have been taking care of my granddaughter for them. I am ill with Multiple Chemical Sensitivity so I cannot have fragrances. He is extremely angry that I have this saying he wants me dead rather than not wear his cologne. My husband and I both tried to de-escalate him with all the nasty things he said. Since this is so abusive I have been worried for my daughter and granddaughter. I warned her. My ex-husband was abusive too. I have had tons of therapy for abuse, and had hoped I had gotten out early enough for my daughter to be spared. Obviously, there is something within me that allowed him to blow up, like my ex and mother. At least I have a very kind husband now. I am anxious to read on with your blog to shore up more of my missing pieces. Thank you.
Dara, I’m so sorry to hear about what you are going through. It’s very painful to see this set of events repeated generationally. Sadly I have heard your story many times. Please be watchful for your daughter and her children in case this abuse turns physical. I’m glad you are there to support them, and congratulations on breaking the cycle for yourself by finding such a loving husband.
My father in law is a person who likes to be in center of our lives He comes over at our home every single weekend and does not asks if we want to spend our every single weekend with him. He wants my kids and us to be thankful for everything he has done for us (like tuition for kids) etc and what is more blames me that kids do not say that every time he wants. He insulted me like I never worked all this time. As I do not have a university diploma. I told him before I knew his son I used to work in bank. He told me doing what? cleaning and washing??What is this kind of behavior toward me ?He reminds us every time that we should be thankful every single moments of our lives for the things he has done. He wants respect and love on conditions .How to deal with him. Please let me know.
DwD, there are several techniques that can be used to stop your father-in-law’s negative behavior pattern, most of which can be found in my blog post for controlling in-laws. Difficult in Laws: How To Stop Controlling Behavior. Here are some examples of how to proceed with your situation using these techniques:
Begin with, “We may want to spend some private time with the kids this weekend. I hope that doesn’t offend/bother/upset you.” He will probably grumble and make some disparaging comments. Maybe the next month you do the same thing until he gets used to you controlling the gateway to your home.
If he comes over anyway, you gently remind him that this was the weekend you were going to spend private time with the kids. You can be very apologetic about it or ask if he wants to come in for a quick cup of coffee. This gets you back in control. You can repeat this over and over until he learns to behave himself.
If you are taking money from him, you are setting up a tough situation for yourself, particularly something as incredibly valuable as tuition. When he is rude about this you can tell him, “It sounds like I haven’t been showing you how grateful we are about your contribution to the children’s education. Then shower him with praise telling him how important his contribution is. You certainly wouldn’t be lying, and if you pour it on every time he hints your should be more grateful, he won’t be able to complain anymore. You can include that the kids can’t possibly understand how incredibly important his generosity is, but you understand it and are forever grateful. This will stop him from indirectly shaming you for not caring enough about education which is what’s really behind his comments.
If he directly insults you for not caring enough about education by trying to shame you for your choices, you can say, “It sounds like you think there is something morally wrong with not having a lot of education.” He will probably respond with another subtle insult. Ask him directly what it is that he feels is morally wrong with not having a higher education. He will not be able to answer this question and will have to back down.
i love that you address emotionally abuse. but i m still having trouble grasping the technique. is the question pointing out the offense and having them reflect?
Chris, the way to foil an emotional abuser is to deny them the relief they get from abusing. The relief they get is from transferring their uncomfortable feelings of shame onto you. The way to stop emotional abuse is to recognize that the tactics the abuser uses to make you feel ashamed are based on a false premise.
Once you recognize that every time they try to make you feel ashamed it will always be over something that is not actually shameful, you have the understanding that will allow you to outsmart them.
It won’t work to tell them outright that what they are insinuating you are is not shameful because the person doing the shaming can easily decide you are just being defensive and they can still get relief by imagining that deep down inside you are feeling ashamed.
The way to keep them from getting relief is to get them to recognize for themselves that what they are insinuating you are is not shameful. This won’t make them see the error of their ways, but it will embarrass them and if repeated consistently will create a deterrent to abusing you.
You accomplish this by asking them to explain to you what it is that is shameful about what you are doing. Because these things are not shameful, they will not be able to come up with an answer.
These concepts are very complex, so you may need to read the entire four-part series again before the solution to this problem clicks into place for you. You can also provide details that pertain to your situation either here in the comments section or by email to me and I will be happy to provide you with a few examples of how you might proceed.
I loved your article by the way! My boyfriend of 7 months got jealous of a male boss we are both a very young couple and I believe this could play a role, he gave me the choice work or him? And obviously I chose him I don’t feel like this was the right desision because I now realise it makes me look weak. I am constantly crying because he has little out bursts or he is rude. And I’m not really sure what to do, I’m worried because I’ve changed a lot as a person since being with him and I feel like I have lost the bounce in my step but this may be a personal issue, any advice ?!
Jasmine, as you are not married and don’t have children with this person, you are in a very important window in time that allows you to leave this situation fairly easily. Although it may feel to you like the effects from the treatment of your boyfriend are somewhat mild and only cause you to lose the bounce in your step, in truth the psychological damage from emotional abuse is very damaging. Many people in your situation unwisely stay in the relationship because they don’t believe it is that bad.
On a subconscious level, abusers know how to keep the person they are abusing in the relationship by toning down the abuse when they sense the person may be about to leave. Because all kinds of domestic abuse are addictive behavior, I would caution you that remaining in this relationship can eventually lead to consequences that are life-threatening at worst and psychologically threatening at best. In most cases an abuser will ratchet up the levels of abuse as the relationship goes on.
As a final word I will say that although I have developed methods to stop emotional abuse, those methods are only meant to protect the abused. They will not heal an abuser or heal the relationship. These methods have been developed for people who are not able to easily leave an abusive situation due to their circumstances or for those who don’t feel they can gather the strength to leave and want to stop the abuse for long enough to clear their head in order to take action.
Dear Johana,
Thank you for dedicating your time and resources to putting this information out there. I am married to a foreigner, and live in his parent´turf…in other words, in their country and town..just eight blocks away to be exact. For the entire lapse of my marriage, my inlaws have controlled my husband both with the fear of God, and the fear of doing something not acceptable in their eyes. I have ¨fought against the pricks¨ this whole time, but have not had the tools to block them unconfrontationaly. They love my children dearly, but my father in law has decided they are his property..even I seemingly belong to him. I do not want to hurt anybody, but lately it has been worse. I have told my husband I am about to burst from the bondage this has put me in as a person. We are very young, but I know this whole situation is wrong. Thank you for your help. Please write a segment warning engaged couples about the problems intercultural marriages bring.
Rosalyn
Rosalyn, I would have to disagree with your warning against intercultural marriages. Issues of control are prevalent in all kinds of in-law relationships. Cultural differences, however, do add to their complexity. I am also concerned about your language when referring to your in-laws.
Using derogatory language, even in your own mind, can create a mental environment that is conducive to abuse. I also am noticing what I would call an indirect or veiled verbal threat to hurt people. I am not suggesting you would act out on these indicators, but I would hope you would become aware that your emotions over this situation may be edging towards unhealthy levels.
My advice in terms of dealing with your in-laws is to approach them directly. Most people are constrained by their inhibitions around confrontation. You do not seem to have these inhibitions, and therefore should be comfortable directly but calmly discussing these problems with your in-laws.
Any time your father in law shows attempts at ownership over your children or you, you can directly ask him why he believes it is his role to tell you what to do with your life or your children’s life. If you are using another language with him you can translate “his job” or “his responsibility” to tell you what to do.
If he says he does feel it’s his job to guide a young person, which may be an element of his culture, you can thank him for his guidance but explain that you have different beliefs, and since it is your family you will be acting according to your beliefs and not his. You can repeat this every time he tries to control your behavior. His attempts to control will have been abruptly cut off and he will soon tire of the process.
If he directly tells you that he believes that adult children should always do whatever their parents say, then you can tell him you understand his position but that you believe that grown children should be responsible for their own lives and end the discussion there. Any time he tries to interfere in this way you can simply repeat this language and respectfully end the discussion.
Please keep in mind that unless parents consciously recognize and correct their tendency to treat their adult children and children-in law like they are still children, they will fall into this old habit. Adult children will have to take on the job of retraining the parents’ thinking gently over time. The patience and effort it takes will be worth it for a relationship as long-lasting as an in-law.
This blog is amazing. It really is, and i have the experience of living with, working with and had children with such a difficult character, he is still in my life because of the kids (excuse) even though i left years ago. I have learned a lot from internet resources, blogs, videos for 7 years, but this blog information is something else, very unique look, very detailed observations and really blew me away. I am grateful for this information. I will link to this blog everywhere, especially on youtube, where a lot of people are confused and searching for help. Fabulous really.
Annon, I am so glad my blog was helpful for you.
Hi, I am not sure if my question falls under emotional or physical abuse. My mother in law has done and said many crazy things to me for 13yrs. How I deal with it is try to keep busy so we don’t see them too often. When she took my kids and I shopping one day I had very bad period cramps. She went off course to a different place with speed bumps and said “how do you feel now? I always take my mother through here and she cries out in pain”. I thought she was literally crazy. She does other things like if I ask her to take her shoes off she keeps them on and stomps through my home. There times my in-laws brought us hot chocolate or ice cappuccino over but my mother in law says I have to share with her ( they have lots of money so that is not the problem). She has done so many terrible things but goes above and beyond for everyone else and they all think she is the kindest person. Talking to her only makes her change tactics. She is the kind of person who enjoys parking in the middle of 2 parking spots and then laughs at people if they are strangers. She was a head nurse now retired and has told us how she forced people to do what she wanted because she knew what was best for them, and that the more they hated her she knew what she was doing was right. I don’t know how to handle her or what to call what she does.
This is unusual behavior, and you may be doing the best you can be limiting time with her. She is unusual in that she doesn’t want to make you feel ashamed, which is what emotional abuse consists of. She instead seems to enjoy inflicting emotional pain on others which may come from a craving for control as opposed to abuse.
You might try my method out for things she has done in the past, like saying, “When you drove over those speed bumps it seemed like you wanted me to feel pain.” Even if she denies it and laughs it off you could then ask her why she did it, knowing it would hurt you. If you continually use this method, “It seemed like you enjoyed that person not being able to park,” or “It seemed like you enjoyed doing the opposite of what I asked of you when you stomped,” she may tire of having to answer to her bad behaviors.
Hi Joanna,
I’m so happy to find your blog. It is very helpful and you are very nice to answer to everyone with your advice. I have a problem with my MIL. She is controlling, possessive and i feel very uncomfortable around her. When I was pregnant with my first baby (now 5 months) she used to visit us for weeks and I never knew when she was leaving and the situation put me on stress. Also because she is controlling and she behaves like our house is her house, bringing things without asking me, moving the furniture as she likes, bringing all type of food ( that I don’t even like) and putting it herself everywhere without ever asking and the list goes on and on. But the worst thing I have experienced with her was when my son was born. I naively had asked her to come and assist me because I was afraid I wasn’t able to be alone with the baby and because my mother lives abroad. She came right away and initially she had to stay just the first month, but she decided herself to stay also the second month and third (finally the third she left because I blew up). She decided herself she wanted to take care of my son when I would start going to work, but I stopped her by telling her that I had agreed with my company that I would work from home so I would take care myself of my son. During her stay when my baby was born I was feeling so uncomfortable with her around the house. She wanted to hold my son always and she wanted to hold him even if he was crying and she wanted to be the one to stop him crying. She always used to ask me if I wanted to go out for a walk so she could stay alone with him and if she would take him from me (asking me if I wanted her to burp him or change him) when I normally didn’t want but I had to give her the baby just because she seemed offended. She would take him and go to other room and cuddle him and leave me there and talk to him in her language that I do not understand. I realized that she wasn’t there to help me or she wasn’t there for me (like my mother would have been) but she was there for him and wanting to bond with him at any cost. She would say to me that he was going to know my mother right away because I always talk to my mother on the phone and asking me how he was going to call my mom so she could
Use another word to be called by him. There are many other examples of her possessive behavior but I can not mention all of them to you. Now she is not anymore by us, she went back to her house but she and her husband call me everyday (video call
Me) so they can see
The baby. She doesn’t even bother to ask me how I’m or how I’m feeling, she just wants to see my son and talk to
Him. I feel very uncomfortable and I feel anxious just thinking about her or thinking about the future where I know for sure that she will want to control even indirectly using her son,) my husband) to control the life of my son. I know she is controlling over my husband in a sophisticated way and by playing a little bit the role of a victim, but I don’t want her to do the same with my son. This is my greatest fear, her overwhelming presence in my life. I was not raised like this, my parents never controlled me, they are just there to help if I need them, but my MIL acts like she is helping but in reality she wants to control wants to show that we can not live without her help or her advice. She wants to be always in the center of attention and I really don’t like it. I’ve reached a phase now where if I even don’t hear from her I’d be happy and would feel myself again. Her presence (even physiological) puts me anxiety and doesn’t let me be happy and free as I always used to be. I would really appreciate if you could help me with some advice or direct me what would be the best thing for me. Thank you Lona
This situation doesn’t really fall into the controlling or manipulative mother in law, so it may be a little bit difficult to try to work with her. But you might try a slow program of teaching her that you are the mom and that the role of grandmother is one where she must step back and only fill in where she is invited. It is likely that she is the type of in-law who simply can’t resist wanting to take over with a beloved grandchild. Sometimes these in-laws wait for decades just for these precious years with a new grandchild. So she may simply be unable to control herself.
If you can see her in this light, it might help you feel a little less invaded. A good way to slowly teach her that she needs to step back and wait to be asked before she takes over is to assert boundaries very lightly at first, saying this is not a good day for you to see your grandchild, but why don’t you come over X day. Or if you are feeling overwhelmed by the daily Skype you might let her know that you are very busy tomorrow, but that you are looking forward to Skyping the next day.
This kind of gradual boundary setting can allow the in-law to get used to you being the one who sets the relationship between her and her grandchild. It can take a while, but once she gets used to your role as the one who regulates how much contact she has, she will on her own begin to respect your boundaries. This method can also allow you to let go of some of the panic that can set in when we feel helpless to protect our privacy, a very important part of family life.
We’ve really struggled with my inlaws and their control. I am not sure it fits any of the categories you posted about, but I am curious to know if I’m missing something. A lot of the control we experience is unspoken. Just “do this thing, or we will be extremely aggressive and rude to you”. When we don’t comply, there are always super unpleasant consequences. Things like the inlaws contacting my family, trying to make them mad at me, yelling at my husband, telling everyone that I’m a horrible family member, trying to make my friends mad at me… basically it’s an all out war if I’m not compliant. They put a lot of pressure on us to always do special occasions, holidays, weekends, and things with my kids… the way I parent… it’s all subject to their approval. I’ve never been able to draw a line, except with my kids. I’ve went as far as hiding my relationships with my own family just to avoid their jealous reactions and anger that we would spend time with others. It’s mostly my husband’s sister, but his mother does anything that his sister says, and I have begin to suspect that she would be more unpleasant if her daughter wasn’t already laying on the pressure for her. On the surface, it all looks beautiful. When you really know the dynamics though, it’s anything but. It’s come to no contact recently. We love them, but they aren’t willing to change, and will go to any length to keep us under their thumb. This last conversation we had ended in them contacting every extended family member and telling them how horrible we were, pressuring people to take sides… telling outright lies to make that happen. It’s hard to know how to have a civil relationship with them.
You might try to take a look at my blog post on difficult in-laws for language that can stop this type of behavior. Your in-laws may be too difficult for even my methods as they may not have any shame at how they treat others and could be consciously bullying you in order to get their way. It’s always, however, worth a try to see if my methods may work.