Techniques That Stop Emotional Abuse
Techniques That Stop Emotional Abuse
Part 4 of Can We Stop Emotional Abuse?
Part 4 of Can We Stop Emotional Abuse?
In Part 4 of Techniques That Stop Emotional Abuse you will be presented with an easy-to-use technique that will allow you to use all of the information that you have learned in the first three parts of this blog series to stop any emotional abuser from launching an emotional attack on you.
This technique from the Nicola Method has been designed to stop an emotional abuser during any episode and with consistent use will allow you to put a stop to the behavior entirely. In order to accomplish this, we will first need to take a closer look at shame and the part it plays in emotional abuse. You will find that it is the feeling of shame that the emotional abuser always uses to knock us off our game.
Before you learn this simple technique, let’s do a review of the tactics used by the emotional abuser so you can see why this method works when so many of your previous attempts to stop emotional abuse may have failed.
In Part 1 of this blog series we learned that tactics of emotional abuse are universal. Although the emotional abuser’s extreme use of these tactics may be shocking to us, if we look carefully at our own behavior, we will find that most of us have engaged in a much less destructive version of these behaviors at times in order to try to make ourselves feel better, even if it is at others’ expense.
In Part 2 of Can We Stop Emotional Abuse we learned that the tactics of an emotional abuser only work because each of us has a hidden vulnerability. We all fear social rejection, so much so that we have rules built into our society that protect us from having to experience these hidden fears. These social rules tell us we must not say and do things that may make others suspect we are judging them negatively.
Although we may not realize it, we all find ourselves walking on eggshells when we interact socially in order not to trigger this universal insecurity in others. It is this hidden fear that the emotional abuser preys on by simply not playing by the social rules and instead purposefully making us feel like we are going to be rejected. By displacing their feelings of shame onto others, they are able to relieve themselves from their own high levels of social insecurity.
In Part 3 we examined the tactics of the emotional abuser more closely and found that the abuser uses only one method to make us feel bad. This tactic involves making us feel afraid that we will be socially rejected over certain specific deficiencies. We found that there are seven qualities that most of us associate with social acceptance that the emotional abuser always uses to try to make us feel ashamed.
Each time the abuser attacks us it will always be over a perceived deficiency in one of these seven human qualities. The very specific nature of emotional abuse allows us to track exactly how the abuser hurts us and also shows us a glaring flaw in the abuser’s attempt to make us feel ashamed that we will in this installment be using to dismantle the abuser’s weaponry against us.
Social Shame And Rejection
Most people are completely unaware of how often they feel shame over things that they have no business feeling ashamed over. This shame usually stems from our fear that others will reject us or not like us if we stick out from the crowd in a negative way. Because this worry seems to be shared by all people and seems to be a part of the human condition, we don’t usually identify this form of insecurity in ourselves. But the emotional abuser is aware on a very low level of our vulnerability in this area, and it is this fear that the abuser takes advantage of when they try to make us feel bad about ourselves.
Let’s take a quick look at the kinds of hidden fears each of us carries in the area of social acceptance. This will help you become more aware of these common worries that usually affect us behind the scenes:
We may worry people will think we are too poor, not intelligent, not fashionably dressed, not aware of social customs or not attractive enough to fit in. If we hang out with a different sort of crowd we may be afraid of the opposite. We may worry that our peers think we are showing off our money, acting too smart, are too formally dressed, or paying too much attention to social formalities.
We tend to have worries about our grooming, perhaps that our hair will be sticking out or that our fly is down, that our socks might not match or that we have a hole in our nylons, a stain on our clothes. We may worry that we will say something not clever enough, not kind enough, something that shows others we don’t know what we are doing.
Because we are unaware of our insecurities surrounding social rejection or not fitting in with our peers, the abuser has the perfect opportunity to take advantage of us. Let’s now take a look at how our worries at not fitting in create this perfect opportunity for an abuser who wants to make themselves feel better by making us feel worse.
The Transference Of Shame
The emotional abuser has a very high level of social insecurity. They often discover there is a perfect antidote for their uncomfortable feelings. They learn to make themselves feel better by making others around them even more worried than they are about fitting in. This guarantees that they won’t be first in line for social rejection.
Although this insight into emotional abuse can be very helpful, you will find that this information by itself is not enough to stop emotional abuse. There is one more piece of the puzzle that you need to put into place before you can begin calling the shots with a person who is trying to get you to feel bad. The missing piece of information that will allow you to stop the abuse is an understanding of what we should and should not feel ashamed of.
We all have a slightly different value system which tells us what we should feel ashamed about. However, there are certain beliefs we all share that can help us determine if we should feel ashamed. An easy way to tell is whether we think we owe an apology for our behavior. An apology is a universal way of saying we feel ashamed of something we did.
If we look carefully at what we tend to apologize for, we will see that the only behaviors we engage in that need an apology are those actions that have caused harm to others. Let’s test this theory out in real life. Here are a few behaviors that we might feel sorry for:
Forgetting to get someone to an appointment on time.
Forgetting a birthday or anniversary.
Making a careless but hurtful remark.
Forgetting to fulfill a responsibility.
Causing distress to another person needlessly.
No matter how long we make our list of behaviors that we would expect to apologize for, we will find that apologies will always be for not thinking of the welfare of another person in some way. Apologizing is a way of letting others know that we feel ashamed of what we did, even if it is a very small thing.
So how does this relate to emotional abuse? You will find that none of the qualities that the emotional abuser tries to make you feel ashamed of fit in the category of shameful behavior. It is this crucial flaw in the abuser’s attempt to make you feel bad that will allow you to stop the abuse.
In order to use this flaw to disarm the abuser, it will be necessary for you to become very clear on what kinds of qualities we should feel ashamed of and what qualities we should not. Here is a list of qualities that will help you tell the difference. When in doubt, you can always ask yourself if the quality the abuser is trying to pin on you is something you would want to apologize for.
Shameful Qualities
Being mean to others
Making others feel bad
Bullying behavior
Being unfair to others
Dominating behavior
Manipulative behavior
Unkindness
Shameless Qualities
Not being physically attractive enough
Not being sexually attractive enough
Not being intelligent enough
Not being competent enough
Not being socially skilled enough
Not being brave enough
Not being clean enough
If you look at the category of shameful qualities, you will find that these shameful behaviors are all behaviors of the abuser, not of you. Each time the abuser tries to make you feel bad about yourself, they are actually the ones displaying qualities that are shameful. The abuser will always try to get you to feel ashamed for qualities that no one should ever feel bad about.
The reason that the abuser’s tactic works to shake us up, even when we have more than adequate self-esteem, is that we all have a hidden fear that others may reject us because we lack one of the qualities in the shameless category. Although few of us would ever judge another person for lacking these qualities, every one of us at some point experiences fear that others may reject us over them.
This can be easily demonstrated by imagining those in your peer group saying something negative to you regarding one of the shameless qualities in a manner other than joking. You will find that even the thought of another person saying these things to you or to others behind your back can bring up the emotion of shame.
You can also test out this universal sensitivity by imagining yourself making a comment pointing out a deficiency in one of these shameless qualities to someone you know. You will find that it will be almost impossible for you to imagine a situation where you would point out one these deficiencies to another person. It would be considered extremely socially rude and could even lead to the beginning of an end to any relationship.
In order to verify this observation, here is the list of qualities that emotional abusers commonly use to point out your deficiencies that in Part 3 we labeled the Seven Qualities of Social Attraction. You will find that we do, indeed, share a societal taboo around mentioning these social weaknesses in the presence of others:
Seven Qualities Of Social Attraction
Physical attractiveness
Sexual attractiveness
Intelligence
Competence
Social skills
Bravery
Cleanliness
These surface qualities that may make us look good on the outside in no way turn us into better social companions. It is only our natural insecurity that creates the need for a social code that forbids us from saying anything negative related to these seven qualities to others. If you examine your own behavior, you will realize we are all too highly sensitive to social rejection to tolerate anything but extraordinary tact when it comes to comments that might put into question acceptability among our peers.
This natural insecurity is not something we should try to work through or work past. Sensitivity to what others think about us is not only a part of our culture, it is also in a sense a part of our species. Since we are social creatures, this built-in sensitivity to what others will think of us is what motivates us to tune into the needs of others. It is this awareness that instills in us the value of our relationships making us realize how important others are in our lives.
Unfortunately this vulnerability also leaves us susceptible to fears that an abuser can easily prey on. Try as we may to not care what others think of us, we cannot help but feel worried about social acceptance. On the positive side, the abuser only use one tactic, which is trying to get you to worry about others rejecting you over one of these seven qualities. Once you learn the exact nature of their emotional weaponry, you will find you can easily put a stop to the behavior.
The abuser depends on our lack of knowledge over what we should feel ashamed over to knock us off balance, but you are now going to be shown a way to make the abuser acknowledge to you that there is nothing shameful in lacking these qualities. By doing this you will find yourself able to take away their ability to get relief by making you feel bad about yourself.
Your goal will not be to stop the abuser from hurting you, although that will be the end result. Your goal will instead be to simply get the abuser to acknowledge that there is nothing shameful in having deficiencies in these seven areas. When the abuser finds themselves having to admit to you that there is nothing to be ashamed over, they will also find themselves unable to achieve the relief they seek from making you feel bad.
Using The Nicola Method
The technique you are about to learn is from the Nicola Method, a non-confrontational set of phrases that have been developed to allow you to lower conflict. The techniques from this method will let you direct the abuser’s attention to the flaw in their belief that you should feel ashamed without them realizing it was you who did it.
The phrasing you will be using, which can be memorized and recited during abuse episodes, will initially lead the abuser to believe you are going along with their assertion that you have done something shameful. However, the abuser will very soon find themselves having to admit to you that there is nothing to be ashamed of after all. These simple techniques that stop emotional abuse allow even individuals who are not comfortable with conflict to stop abuse with ease, and it will afford anyone using it emotional protection during the process of changing the abuser’s behavior.
It is not particularly easy to get the abuser to admit they are wrong, so you will be given language developed specifically for this purpose. In order to understand how the language works, we must take a brief look at the conscious and unconscious mind of the emotional abuser.
The Subconscious And The Conscious Mind
Emotional abuse is always orchestrated by the subconscious part of the abuser’s mind. In order to achieve relief, the abuser’s subconscious mind must convince the conscious mind that the person being abused is feeling ashamed. This belief allows the abuser to imagine they have passed their shame on to the other person. In order to accomplish this, the abuser’s subconscious mind must not let on that what they are accusing the person of is not shameful.
You are now going to learn how to take advantage of the fact that the abuser has been convinced by their subconscious mind that what you have done is shameful. You are going to be given language that has been developed to convince the abuser that you think they might be right along with a casual suggestion. If the abuser can be momentarily led to believe that you think they might be right, they will be happy to do as you suggest.
The phrase you will memorize and recite will casually suggest that the abuser explain in more detail why you should feel ashamed. This suggestion, if presented in the exact language that you learn it in, will lull the abuser into believing that you want to face your shame. In the abuser’s mind, your acceptance of shame represents a signed and sealed delivery of relief from uncomfortable feelings.
However, because their belief that your behavior is shameful is flawed, when the abuser tries to explain to you why you should feel ashamed, they will find themselves stuck without an explanation. The subconscious mind will have fooled them into believing there is a good reason that you should feel ashamed where none exists.
You will have caused the abuser’s conscious mind to be directed straight to the fact that there is nothing shameful about your behavior. This defeats the goal of the abuser’s subconscious mind. When the justification for why you should feel bad falls apart, the abuser will find themselves incapable of unloading their shame onto you. In this way you will be effectively taking the weapons out of the abuser’s hands.
If you are having doubts that a technique this simple could disable a crafty emotional abuser, try for yourself to come up with any kind of explanation for why a lack in any of the seven qualities of social attraction could be considered shameful. You will find yourself unable to justify the shame. By pointing the abuser, who is in that moment convinced they are right, directly to the flaw in their attempt to make you feel bad, even the meekest person will find they can easily take the abuser’s ability to hurt them away.
Learning Techniques That Stop Emotional Abuse
Now let’s take a look at exactly how to accomplish this goal. But before we continue it is important to note that being able to use techniques that stop emotional abuse does not mean the abuser will see the error of their ways and apologize for their past behavior. This method does not lead to full rehabilitation unless the abuser already wants to stop the behavior. This technique only takes away the ability for an abuser to use this tactic on you.
You will be using an introductory phrase from the Nicola Method to stop the abuse. This phrase will always be the same and it will work during any abuse episode. It is this phrase that will fool the abuser into thinking you want to face your shame. It will entice the abuser into wanting to explain to you why you should feel bad. When the abuser tries to tell you what is shameful about your behavior, they will come up short. However, when they realize they are wrong, they will generally not admit their error to you, although it will be clear to both of you.
What they will do instead is change the subject, often with a flippant comment and back off the topic entirely. However, this will still stop the abuse on the spot. It will also give the abuser the clear message that they will not necessarily get relief by using these tactics on you. Once the abuser fully accepts they cannot get relief from your reaction, they will stop abusing on their own.
Let’s now take a look at the three-step process you will be using to stop the abuse.
Step One: Identifying the Quality Of Social Attraction
Step one in stopping emotional abuse is for you to identify which of the seven qualities the abuser is implying you are deficient in. While you are first learning to identify which qualities the abuser has chosen to try to make you feel bad, you can speed up the process by thinking back to previous episodes of emotional abuse. You will find that the abuser uses the same qualities over and over.
You can easily learn how to predict which quality the abuser will use by becoming familiar with ones used in the past. Simply compare what the abuser made you feel bad about in the past to the list of seven qualities and choose the one that seems to match.
Step Two: Applying The Non-Confrontational Phrase
You will then use a phrase from the Nicola Method that allows you to convince the abuser to explain why you should be feeling ashamed. Here is the phrase you will be using:
“It seems like you think I should feel ashamed for…”
Step Three: Naming the Deficiency
In Step three you will add to the phrase, “It seems like you think I should feel ashamed for…” the quality the abuser is acting like you are deficient in. Here are your choices of endings for your phrase that correspond to the seven qualities of social attraction:
“It seems like you think I should feel ashamed for not being physically attractive enough.”
“It seems like you think I should feel ashamed for not being sexually attractive enough.”
“It seems like you think I should feel ashamed for not being intelligent enough.”
“It seems like you think I should feel ashamed for not being competent enough.”
“It seems like you think I should feel ashamed for not being socially skilled enough.”
“It seems like you think I should feel ashamed for not being brave enough.”
“It seems like you think I should feel ashamed for not being clean enough.”
Now let’s take a look at how to stop emotional abuse in a real-life situation. We will use a scenario where an abuser uses the first quality of social attraction to try to make you feel deficient. In this scenario the abuser has chosen a deficiency in the area of physical attractiveness to try to make you feel socially unattractive:
Scenario One: Physical Attractiveness
Abuser: “You are crazy if you think I am going to go out of the house with you looking like that. Don’t you even know how to dress yourself?”
We can clearly identify the deficiency the abuser has chosen to make you feel bad is physical attractiveness.
Let’s move to step two, applying the non-confrontational phrase that makes the abuser want to explain why you should feel ashamed. The phrase will always be, “It seems like you think I should feel ashamed for…” You can simply memorize this phrase so it is always available to you, even in the middle of an abuse episode.
Now let’s move to step three, adding the deficiency to the end of the sentence. You will now add the name of the deficiency the abuser has chosen to make you feel ashamed and attach it to the end of the phrase you have memorized like this:
Abuser: “You are crazy if you think I am going to go out of the house with you looking like that. Don’t you even know how to dress yourself?”
Response: “It seems like you think I should feel ashamed for not being physically attractive enough.”
Let’s take a closer look at the first part of this phrase, the ten words you will have memorized. This phrase has been designed to allow you to entice the abuser into giving you an explanation for why you should feel ashamed. Using this language will get the abuser to do as you suggest without any suspicion that you are setting them up for a fall.
Let’s now take a look at what happens after you use this sentence to convince the abuser to tell you what is shameful about your behavior. At first this will be a moment of triumph for the abuser who thinks they are getting you to accept your shame. However, the triumph will quickly turn to confusion.
The abuser will be caught unaware that there is no explanation as to why lack of attractiveness should make us feel ashamed. The abuser will not realize until it is too late that although some of us may have secret hidden shame about not being attractive enough, this shame does not hold up when it is brought out into the light of day.
You will find that when you use this phrase to expose the tactics of an abuser and shine a light on them, the justification for the abuse will always fall apart. Getting the abuser to try to explain to you why you should feel ashamed will force them to either admit they were wrong or get them to back out of the confrontation entirely.
Let’s now look at how the scripted response you have just learned plays out in real life to stop emotional abuse. We will be using the same example we just looked at of an abuser who chooses to use the quality of physical attractiveness to instill shame. Watch how this simple technique puts the abuser in the position of having to explain something that simply doesn’t hold true:
Abuser: “You are crazy if you think I am going to go out of the house with you looking like that. Don’t you even know how to dress yourself?”
Response: “It seems like you think I should feel ashamed for not being physically attractive enough.”
Abuser: “Well, don’t you?”
Response: “I hadn’t thought about it. Why do you think I should feel ashamed?”
At this point, the abuser will not be able to tell you why you should feel bad for not being more attractive. Attractiveness is a quality we may want to have, but for the most part we don’t get a choice. Although we might want the advantages of being highly attractive, there is no logical answer to why we should feel ashamed if we are not.
Your first response will usually end the attempt to make you feel ashamed, and the abuser will find a way to exit out of the conversation, but let’s follow it out with an example of a particularly persistent abuser so you can see how to handle a more difficult scenario:
Abuser: “You are crazy if you think I am going to go out of the house with you looking like that. Don’t you even know how to dress yourself?”
Response: “It seems like you think I should feel ashamed for not being physically attractive enough.”
Abuser: “Well, don’t you?”
Response: “I hadn’t thought about it. Why do you think I should feel ashamed?”
Abuser: “I’d sure feel embarrassed if I looked like you!”
Response: “What would you feel embarrassed about?”
The only answer to this question is a serious conversation that involves an understanding of sociology and psychology to explain how physical attractiveness plays a part in social acceptance. The abuser isn’t about to discuss this with you.
Their goal was to make you feel ashamed, and you will have kept them from imagining that you feel bad. They will be left without the words to make you feel any worse. Nothing in your response could possibly be interpreted as you feeling ashamed. The abuser will have to either admit they wrong about you or back out of the conversation. Here are a few responses they may give to get out of the situation with the least embarrassment.
“Oh, forget it. Can’t you take a joke?”
“Man, I can’t talk to you about anything.”
“You just don’t get it, do you?”
“I’m not going to talk about this with you.”
“Just drop it. I’m tired of this conversation.”
Now let’s do a quick review of this technique.
Step one: Identify the deficiency. In this case the abuser chose to make you feel ashamed for not being physically attractive.
Step two: Use the phrase you had previously memorized, “It seems like you think I should feel ashamed for…”
Step three: Add to that phrase the name of the quality the abuser thinks you lack, which in this scenario was, “It seems like you think I should feel ashamed for not being attractive enough.”
You have now set the stage for the abuser to tell you what is so shameful about not being attractive. The abuser will be unaware that when they attempt to elaborate on why you should feel ashamed they will come up empty-handed. In mid sentence they will discover there is nothing they could say to explain why it is shameful to have a deficiency in this area.
This technique works the same way for each of the seven qualities. We will now go through a sample abuse scenario for each of the seven qualities of social attraction using this technique. Although the abuser will usually give up after your first response, your sample scenarios will include the continued responses of a persistent abuser so you can see how to work with a range of emotional abuse.
There is one additional note that can help you use this technique. Using the words “feel ashamed” can sound too formal for some people’s communication style. You can easily substitute the words “feel bad” for the words “feel ashamed,” or you can use “feel embarrassed” instead of the words “feel ashamed” when you are practicing your responses to episodes of emotional abuse. In other words, instead of responding with:
“It seems like you think I should feel ashamed for not being physically attractive enough.”
You can instead respond with:
“It seems like you think I should feel bad for not being physically attractive enough.”
Or you can say:
“It seems like you think I should feel embarrassed for not being physically attractive enough.”
Let’s now use a scenario where the abuser chooses the second quality of social attraction, sexual attractiveness, to make you feel bad.
Scenario Two: Sexual Attractiveness
Abuser: “What’s wrong with you? Don’t you even know how to dress like a woman?”
Response: “It seems like you think I should feel ashamed for not being sexually attractive enough.”
Abuser: “You’re darned right! Who would go out with you looking like that?”
Response: “Why do you think I should be ashamed at not looking feminine enough?”
Abuser: “Don’t you know anything?!”
Response: “I’m just asking why I should feel ashamed.”
Abuser: “Oh, forget it. I have to explain everything around here.”
Response: “Could you explain it to me?”
Abuser: “This is ridiculous. I’m not going to talk about this with you any longer!”
The abuser can’t continue to use this tactic once their explanation fizzles out. In fact, they will end up feeling embarrassed which will be a further deterrent the next time they get the urge to abuse you.
Here is a scenario where the abuser has chosen intelligence as a deficiency that you should feel ashamed over.
Scenario Three: Intelligence
Abuser: “What are you, stupid? Don’t you know anything?!”
Response: “It seems like you think I should feel ashamed for not being intelligent enough.”
Abuser: “Well, duh, yeah, being stupid is pretty embarrassing, isn’t it!”
Response: “What is it that is embarrassing about it?”
Abuser: “Because it makes you dumb, that’s why.”
Response: “So why would I feel ashamed about having a low I.Q.”
Abuser: “Because everyone will think you’re an idiot.”
Response: “What will they think is wrong with not being smart?”
Abuser: “This is pointless. I’m not talking to you about this anymore.”
You can see how once you are aware that intelligence is not something to be ashamed of, you can stop having to defend yourself against the abuser. Simply suggest that the abuser tell you what is shameful about lack of intelligence. There is no answer to this question. The abuser will have to either admit this or back out of the conversation.
Now let’s look at an example of an abuser who chooses to make you feel deficient in the area of competence.
Scenario Four: Competence
Abuser: “You expect me to eat this? What are you trying to do, poison me?”
Response: “It seems like you think I should feel ashamed for not being competent enough.”
Abuser: “If the shoe fits…”
Response: “Why do you think I should feel ashamed over not cooking well?”
Abuser: “You seriously don’t know?”
Response: “No, I don’t know why not cooking well should make me feel ashamed.”
Abuser: “Would you stop yapping about this? I’m just asking you to make some improvements in the cooking area. Sheesh.”
This is an example of how an abuser may try to get out of their embarrassing situation by changing their accusation into a less abusive comment. Although it is not an apology, it certainly stops the abuse and reframes it into a more appropriate statement.
Let’s take a look at how to use this technique when the abuser chooses to label you as deficient in the area of social skills:
Scenario Five: Social Skills
Abuser: “I can’t take you anywhere. You have no idea how to handle yourself in public.”
Response: “It seems like you think I should be ashamed for not being socially skilled enough.”
Abuser: “I know I am ashamed of being out with you.”
Response: “What is it that you think I should feel ashamed over?”
Abuser: “Because people will think you are a hick.”
Response: “What’s so embarrassing about that?”
Abuser: “You want to be seen as a hick?!”
Response: “I just don’t see what’s embarrassing about it.”
Abuser: “Just forget I ever said anything. I’m tired of your questions. Just drop it. Okay?”
The only answer to the question of why lack of social skills should cause shame is a serious sociological conversation that an abuser isn’t about to discuss with you. When they realize they can’t get the emotional relief they are seeking, they will instead quickly back out of the conversation.
Now let’s take a look at a scenario where the abuser chooses deficiency in the quality of bravery.
Scenario Six: Bravery
Abuser: “You are such a wimp. Why can’t you act like a man for once?”
Response: “It seems like you think I should feel ashamed for not being brave enough.”
Abuse: “That’s right. You should feel ashamed!”
Response: “Why should not being brave make me feel ashamed?”
Abuser: “Because people hate a coward.”
Response: “Why do they hate people who aren’t brave enough?”
The answer to this question goes directly to the very heart of all emotional abuse. Feelings of condescension towards those who appear afraid are always caused by insecurity. It is a direct indication that this person is attempting to transfer their own shame over feelings of weakness onto another. You can be sure the abuser will not participate in this discussion with you. They will back off and get out of the conversation.
Let’s now take a look at the final quality. This scenario concerns deficiencies in cleanliness.
Scenario Seven: Cleanliness
Abuser: “This place is disgusting. Don’t you even know how to clean up after yourself? You make me sick!”
Response: “It sounds like you think I should feel ashamed for not being clean enough.”
Abuser: “Yeah, you should feel ashamed for living in this filthy mess.”
Response: “Why do you think I should feel ashamed around not having a clean enough house?”
Abuser: “Because living in a barn like this makes you a pig.”
Response: “What I mean is what do you think is wrong with not being clean enough?”
Abuser: “Well, if you don’t know, I’m sure not going to tell you.”
Response: “I actually wish you would.”
Abuser: “Forget it. I’m done with this conversation.”
Although the abuser wants to stoke your fears about others rejecting you, having to say it out loud ruins the mood and doesn’t give the abuser what they want. The abuser will soon give up trying.
Review Of The Techniques That Stop Emotional Abuse
Let’s take a final look at why this technique works to stop emotional abuse. Getting the abuser to tell you why you should feel ashamed will direct the abuser to the fatal flaw in their attempt to get you to feel bad. The only way to get the abuser to do this is with a completely neutral, non-confrontational and non-defensive suggestion. Always use the language in the non-confrontational phrase you have been provided.
At first they will be more than happy to elaborate on why you should feel bad, but their justification will fizzle in mid-sentence. Because they cannot come up with any kind of explanation as to why you should feel bad, they will not be able to transfer their shame to you. Using this technique consistently is usually enough to stop the abuser from attempting to get relief by abusing you.
There are several other non-confrontational techniques from the Nicola Method that also work to stop abuse. However, this one has been offered because it is simple enough that most people can put it in place with very little effort or preparation. Because most abusers choose the same quality over and over to make you feel bad, you will find you can prepare your sentences in advance and memorize them so even during an abuse episode you can access your phrase to stop the abuse.
Here is a list of sentences you can memorize and use during episodes of abuse according to the emotional abuser’s choice of quality to make you feel bad.
“It seems like you think I should feel ashamed for not being physically attractive enough.”
“It seems like you think I should feel ashamed for not being sexually attractive enough.”
“It seems like you think I should feel ashamed for not being intelligent enough.”
“It seems like you think I should feel ashamed for not being competent enough.”
“It seems like you think I should feel ashamed for not being socially skilled enough.”
“It seems like you think I should feel ashamed for not being brave enough.”
“It seems like you think I should feel ashamed for not being clean enough.”
If this language feels too formal to fit your communication style, here is a less formal set of phrases that will work just as well:
“It seems like you think I should feel bad for not looking good enough.”
“It seems like you think I should feel bad for not being pretty/handsome enough.”
“It seems like you think I should feel bad for not being smart enough.”
“It seems like you think I should feel bad for not being good enough.”
“It seems like you think I should feel bad for not being social enough.”
“It seems like you think I should feel bad for not being brave enough.”
“It seems like you think I should feel bad for not being clean enough.”
If the abuser is persistent at putting you down after you use these phrases, simply in your own words ask them to explain why you should feel bad until they back out of the confrontation.
The best method for putting these techniques into practice is to take an inventory of past qualities that the abuser has tried to make you feel ashamed over. You can then identify which of the qualities the abuser uses the most often and choose the sentence that has the closest match. Write down your phrases and practice possible responses in case the abuser is persistent according to the examples you have been given.
If the abuse is constant, simply choose the quality that the abuser uses the most frequently with you to start with. Even if you are only able to work with one quality at a time, you may find that by the time you become skilled at stopping the abuser from trying to make you feel ashamed over one quality, the abuser will have realized you can no longer be abused and the behavior will stop. If your abuser is persistent, you can practice as many scenarios as you need to until you feel proficient at stopping the abuse.
In our final installment, Part 5, How To Stop Emotional Abuse – Advanced Techniques, you will be learning advanced techniques that stop emotional abuse. Although the technique you have been given is enough to stop this behavior, it can be helpful to have several more techniques available, especially if you are in any kind of ongoing relationship with someone who is emotionally abusive. In Part 5 you will learn several other equally effective techniques along with instructions that will show you how to stop the more subtle forms of controlling behavior that may not rise to the level of abuse but which have no place in a healthy relationship.
If you would like to learn the Nicola Method so you can put an end to the high conflict situations you may be experiencing, click on this link to the welcome page of this website where you will find the resources you need.
If you want to try out some of the basic techniques of this method for free to see if this method is right for your situation, you can learn them from an intro guide flip-book here or a PDF version of the intro guide here.
I ask a similar question. What do you say if someone who hasn’t explicitly said anything. They haven’t insulted you in anyway, but their behavior SUGGEST that they believe you are not good enough. You can’t use that phrase as a retort to words that weren’t voiced.
You would need to address each condescending insult separately. Condescension, or acting like someone isn’t good enough for them, is usually demonstrated by either body language or actions. Here are a few examples of how to use language to stop condescending behavior or attitude.
“When you used that tone of voice it seemed like you thought your views were more important than mine.”
“When you told me I shouldn’t speak up at the meeting it seemed like you thought what I had to say wasn’t important.”
“When you spoke over me it seemed like you didn’t care what I had to say.”
Thanks for writing this series. It explains very well the motivation behind abuse. I realized in reading these that I used some form of this with my mother who often shamed me for such things as not recognizing a certain politician on TV. I’d simply respond, “Is there a reason my knowing who that is is so important?” She’d never have and answer and would then dismiss me with a wave of her hand, not wanting to talk about it.
The only reason I think I was able to do this is that she was not an aggressive abuser. She was move covert and wouldn’t flip out if I pressed her. So I wasn’t intimidated in the same way as I have been by more aggressive bullies in the family. However, being able to ward off emotional abuse doesn’t take the pain away that this person sees fit to treat you that way. Even if we allow the abuse because of our own insecurity, the fact that you are chosen as a target by a family member is forever painful.
I would ask one question though. I have found that the other emotional abusers I’ve crossed paths with, most notably a sister, is that they often accuse you of selfishness, lack of loyalty, lack of appreciation. I suppose those could fall under “social skills.” But I can’t see how the method would work against those accusations. An emotional abuser loves to question your loyalty and obligation. Being good and kind to others IS important. And when someone questions that, even if you’re sure the abuser is just unhappy that they haven’t gotten their way, it’s hard to imagine using this method against that, or when someone is screaming at you!
Still, this is a great example of where one’s own self awareness plays a huge role, and how we can’t see ourselves simply as victims of something being done to us. Most of us don’t want to see the role we play.
Jody, thank you for such a clear example of the natural use of this method, and you are absolutely right, the reason we don’t automatically adopt the attitude that keeps a loved one from abusing is that we are most often reeling from the realization that a person we care about wants to hurt us. That is truly the most devastating aspect of emotional abuse.
To answer your question about when a relative says you are selfish and ungrateful in an outright abusive accusation, you might respond this way:
“It sounds like you disapprove of my behavior.”
“That’s an understatement!”
“Caring about others and showing that I appreciate them is very important to me. What have you seen me do that is selfish or unappreciative.”
“I shouldn’t have to tell you! Isn’t it obvious?!”
“If I’m behaving in a way that is not grateful or caring I certainly want to know.”
“Well, first of all… (long list of what she thinks you’ve done wrong).”
“So it seems like that people do X are ungrateful and you think that doing Y and Z is a sign of not caring about others.”
“If that isn’t obvious to you then you must have a real problem!”
Then you get her to tell you how people should behave in this area as much detail as possible. At first she may be thrilled to exaggerate what good behavior should be to shame you further, but her ridiculously unrealistic standards will make her look foolish. Then you can easily tell her that you respect her opinion but that according to your standards you believe that your behavior is caring and appreciative. This reminds her that no matter what her opinion of you is, it is only your opinion that will be taken into account. if you repeat this every time she puts you down she will stop using this behavior pattern. Sadly, stopping the pattern does nothing to heal the pain of someone you care about wanting to hurt you, and although these methods do stop the abuse, they do not heal the person.
NICOLA METHOD IS GENIUS
I have a 59 year old daughter who has not spoken to me for almost 3 yrs. She lives 240 miles away, it has been 3 yrs. since she visited me, but passed by to take her son to an airport the next day. After serving them dinner they left. The day after she called to ask how I felt. I told her I would have liked if she would have stayed a little after dinner. She then raised her voice and said, ” YOU ARE NEVER SATISFIED, IT WAS MY IDEA TO STOP TO SEE YOU, and hung up on me.
Her husband has a history of being a controller, but now he has her to a point where she had to make a choice between him or her mother. I have two daughters, my oldest past from cancer, I am widowed, and live alone. I do have many friends, but I would love to hear from my daughter. We were close at one time.
I feel so dejected and depressed. How should I handle my situation. Please help.
Thank you,
Mrs. Lazerano
Josephine, I’m so sorry to hear of your loss of your daughter’s company for so long, particularly at a time in your life when family becomes so important. As a step one, a letter to her can be helpful if you think she is going to open it. An e-mail might work as well. The idea would be to provide her with an opportunity to express all of her negative feelings towards you, as painful as that might be. The act of expressing all of one’s resentment without the other person defending themselves in any way can sometimes provide an initial temporary healing in this kind of rift.
Here is an example of some of the language you might use to get her to express her complaints about you. “It’s truly devastating to realize that I have somehow lost a daughter, the person who out of anyone that I know is the most important to me. After the losses in our family I have come to some very important understandings about how much you mean to me and the idea that I have behaved in a way that has hurt you badly enough to stop seeing me is unthinkable.
I know I have treated you very badly, and you might not feel I deserve another chance, but if there is any way that you might be willing to allow me to make up for my past behavior I would like the chance. I imagine you have been holding onto these feelings for a long time, but I feel that if there is a way for me to make this up to you I would need to at some point hear from you the worst of what I have done so I can make the necessary changes to try to repair the damage I have done.”
Even if you decide that my behavior has been too hurtful for you to ever discuss with me I want you to know how deeply sorry I am for having hurt you so badly. I will always regret anything I have ever done or said that in any way contributed to my losing you.”
This may sound extreme, and it may not feel honest. But the point of using this language is to put her in a position where it becomes very difficult for her with good conscience to continue to punish you. Clearly you haven’t actually done anything terrible, but this language forces her to face the implication behind cutting off a close relative which is that they would have had to have done something truly terrible.
If she doesn’t respond, after a reasonable while you can follow up this letter or email with an attempt at a verbal communication. If she is willing to respond you can start that conversation with a verbal summing up of what you wrote to her, letting you know how sorry you are and that you have come to very important understandings and are ready and willing to make any change that she asks of you.
She may at this point become very high and mighty, try to hurt you with accusations or make ridiculous demands. This is all show, and if you can try to port forth an outwardly humble attitude while letting it roll off your back, understanding that if her husband is behind this rift than she will need to put on a performance to so he doesn’t feel she is going against him.
For a while you may need to go along with ridiculous or outrageous demands of how you treat her. If you conform to these after a while she will start to let her guard down and your relationship, at least in private, can return to something more normal.
Best of luck and I am available for any questions or concerns that may come up.
I appreciate Josephine’s question and your answer. Both have made me wonder something. I have an emotionally abusive/controlling father. He especially directs his abuse at women – my mother who divorced him when I was 6, his many wives (5 marriages all ended in divorce) and girlfriends and my grandmother. I have been on the receiving end of his abuse but at least I was saved by mother from having to live with him and he moved far away when I was in my early 20’s so contact was only a few times a year. Mind you those times of contact were horrible. Not only did I have to take his abuse but I had to witness him abusing the women in his life and that was quite frightening. My grandmother lived with my father for the last 20 years of her life. She died last summer at 96years old. Things were so bad with his treatment of her that in the end she begged to be taken out of the house. She moved to an assisted living facility and died one month later. I struggle with it all to this day and I am now in my 50’s. I so appreciate finding your blog. It feels like finally I am being given the key element I have been missing to be able to deal with him all of these years.
Anyway, the reason Josephine’s question inspired me to write is that recently I had a conflict with my father and I blew up at him. I had not read your blog yet. In a phone call with him he had called me immature and told me I needed to grow up. Instead of just taking it, I fired back that he was immature and he needed to grow up. Of course that made things worse. But I persisted and didn’t back down and he ended up hanging up on me. He then wrote me an email and amidst some emotional abuse and blaming he also asked me to make a list of all the things that he has done to make me have such a problem with him (Ha!!! I am the one with the problem!!!) much like the list you told Josephine to request from her daughter. But in this case you also advised Josephine to just allow the venting and to give some apologies etc. I feel like if I make this kind of list and expose all of my negative feelings I will only be setting myself up for attack or possibly abandonment. Both of those things are scary and I don’t know if I can handle them without spiraling into anxiety and depression. From reading your blog I am getting the sense that I should just slow things down and take his barbs one by one as they come at me from now on instead of trying to do all of it in one fell swoop. But I do need to answer this email. Do you have any advice for me? Do you think it is possible that if he asked for the list he is ready to receive the list?
All the best,
D
I think I should add a bit more info to give a bigger picture. The main way I have been handling my father is through distance. I see him and call him but minimally. I think until recently this has worked because he has had other women in his life to focus the control and abuse on. Now that my grandmother is dead he lives alone. He has a much better relationship with my brother than with me and somehow my brother can handle his ways and not get as upset as me. So right now he has no one to act out with.
At the new year my father told me he was changing his will to give my brother more than me. (2/3, 1/3). I was able to give a good response to that, similar to what you advise here. I said “Your decision gives me the message that you value my brother more than me.” His response was yes, your brother gives me more attention, calls me, visits me more and helps me out. I thanked him for being honest. I also said that I felt that he had cultivated that dynamic. That I thought it was because I was a women and that he was much more comfortable with my brother and had invited him into his life more. But I was devastated. The next day he called me and tried to walk it back. Saying that he loves us both and that he knows we are just different. He then offered that I should take the money he has set aside for me when he dies and invest it to try to grow it into an amount equal to what my brother is getting. I felt very cautious about it all for many reasons. I felt he was trying to buy me. Buy my attention and the right to control me. That is what I have seen him do with women over the years. He married many much younger women and became a father figure to them who had the right to control them. He wouldn’t let them work and would tell them how to dress, clean the house, cook, where they could go and when. I also felt that if I did invest the money and had losses it would be a perfect set up to be ridiculed and devalued by him. So I’ve been taking things very slowly and doing a lot of research. I stayed in touch with him to explain that I was taking it slow in order to be responsible. I told him I was very distracted by some other things in my life and I wanted to wait until a moment when I could give it my full attention (true – lots of other things going on). I just went on a long trip and before I left I told him I had interviewed some financial advisors and was going to make a presentation to him when I returned. When I got back from the trip I got messages that he needed my drivers’ license and that he was opening a brokerage account with a guy at his bank to start the investing. When I told him I was confused, I thought he wanted me to do this work and that even though I was moving slowly I was still on it. I told him I would be happy to talk to his guy but would he also talk to the guy I had found. That was when he shut down, refused and started saying I never answer phone calls, I am too hard to get in touch with, etc. I responded that it was true I did avoid calling him at times because I get so anxious. That is when he called me immature and that I needed to grow up. That is when I cracked and went back at him.
In the email he just sent me he again brought up the criticism that I have not been connected enough to him, don’t contact enough, didn’t make my kids respect him and give him attention like a grandfather deserves.
How do I work this puzzle out? It’s true I am distant. I am distant to protect myself. I am distant because he is a controller. He is now attacking me and punishing me for being distant. So many of the things you say to respond with here are in cases where there is no truth to what the abuser is saying. But in this case there is some truth to what my father is saying. I don’t like being around him!!!
Thanks for all the information. Every bit is helpful as this is a somewhat complex situation. I like the language that you chose to call him out on favoring your brother, and it sounds like he responded later by walking it back, which is exactly the point of using this type of language. You made him feel ashamed of favoring one child which he should feel ashamed of! Does it fix everything? No. But if you call him on insinuations and insults every time, you can get results while protecting yourself to some extent. I would not suggest the discussion where he admits to you all of his gripes, and you were right not to respond to his request to you writing out your gripes about him. That can be very helpful with an in-law who is pretending to be nice, but your father is outright controlling and needs a slightly different approach.
As far as him setting up the financial meeting, generally speaking, if you feel that his actions are benign or vaguely kind, then I would not confront him about it. I would probably only use the techniques for clear put-downs. When he says you are not connected enough, the response is, “It sounds like you believe you have been easy to get along with.” When he says you don’t make your kids respect him as a grandfather you will need to respond, “It sounds like you believe the way you treat me is respectful enough that I would tell them that.” You are too hard to get in touch with would have a response of, “It sounds like you think your behavior towards me makes want to reach out to you.”
My take on the general situation is that he is used to everyone doing what he says. It wouldn’t even occur to him to question his behavior. I believe with continued non-confrontational language he should be able to stop himself. If you or he get tired of what he will experience as your continual questioning of him, you may find that he is receptive to a change in the ground rules where you suggest to him that in the future for the well being of the relationship if he would refrain from criticizing you in any way unless he thinks your behavior truly damaging to your life. All parents must at some point stop consciously stop openly criticizing their adult children. And you making it a ground rule can let him off the hook for his past bad behavior while allowing him to start a more appropriate relationship with you. If he agrees, be aware he will need gentle reminding for a while.
The only thing that I’m unclear on is it seems as though he was severely abusive to his mother. If he is that way with you, I hope you are being very protective with your children around him and I would not suggest you try to form a closer relationship unless he truly reforms after limited use of these techniques.
Thank you Joanna. I have been going around in circles in my mind trying to find the best approach and your input is very helpful. I appreciate the language you used in the possible responses to his barbs. They are especially appropriate because I have requested in the past that he refrain from criticism and belittling and yet he can’t seem to stop himself. So wording the questions that way is very truthful. I also feel a sense of relief in reading your advice to take things one step at a time as they occur from now on. Delving into the past just seems like a recipe for disaster. And yes, some signs of change are necessary before taking any closer steps because anyone who gets too close to him gets slammed eventually. Thank you for respecting that. Luckily my sons are in their early 20’s and I have hopefully protected them from formative damage by limiting contact. But I would like to model for them, even now, healthy boundary setting in his presence. As it stands, we all just stay silent and bare the brunt of his personality when we visit him. It is exhausting and demoralizing. Thanks again. Your clarity and generosity are a true gift.
Would it place me in a vulnerable position to use this with my soon to be exhusband? I’ve been pretty defensive in the past when he throws out criticism or convolutes stories but I ignore it more now as not to get sucked into the emotional drama. I’ve told him a number of times I don’t care about or believe his opinions of me so I wonder if he’ll buy that I’m now interested in his thoughts. It feels very scary to go there but I think I want to try it this.
Pamela, I would only suggest using these techniques if you are in a position where you still have to have contact with an abusive person. The best choice for an abusive ex is exactly what you have come to, ignoring them in order to not get sucked into the emotional drama. But if you have a child with this person and you still need to have contact with them these techniques are very useful and it can be worth it to re-negotiate the relationship both for you and the child.
I found this blog post very interesting to read. Hard to admit, but I am the emotionally abusive one in my former 9 year relationship. My behavior definitely cost me the relationship. Of the ‘shameful’ behaviors, I must have attacked my partner’s competence. I also tried to control how my partner spent their time. I am working on taking responsibility for my own feelings as well as managing my overwhelming feelings. I know that when my partner tried to talk to people about his experience, people ignored him, minimized it’s effects, or told him it was ‘no big deal’. Because of this, it’s very hard for him to find someone to talk to (and he’s pretty cautious about protecting my reputation even though he has no reason to) but it has also made it hard for me to seek help. No one think I’m doing it. Anyway. I’m female and my partner is male so perhaps it’s the reverse of our expectations of this kind of story. I feel susceptible to emotional abuse, but am also capable of it.
Lisa, it takes a lot guts to admit to this behavior, but acknowledging it is a very important part of your healing. Thank you for contributing your perspective to this important subject.
Hi,
Your series on stopping emotional abuse has been eye opening. Before reading it I always felt like something was wrong but it always felt like it was something I was doing. After reading this I realize that in subtle and not so subtle ways I have been made to feel this way.
I have a couple of questions though because I can’t find where in the 7 qualities a few things fit in. When my SO gets upset and especially when it turns into a game where she must win she will start belittling me. A couple of the most common are “Your such a pessimist” used when I don’t agree with her on issues of money and then “Your just lazy” when I don’t want to commit to something which generally happens when she has a great idea that will only work if I do all the work. Where do these fit in into the 7 qualities?
Best Regards,
Jerry, these two comments in your example wouldn’t really qualify for abuse. They are certainly underhanded tactics but I would probably put them in the category of controlling behavior. For the pessimism comment, she wants to get her way, so she is putting a spin on the situation. Instead of admitting to her overly optimistic perspective, she pretends she is being objective and you are a pessimist. You can move the focus away from a judgment of your character by responding this way:
“What is it about what I’m saying that doesn’t seem realistic to you?” Don’t let her wriggle out of it. Stay focused on reality, not on your character.
When she uses the lazy comment, which in this context is not so much abusive as manipulative, again spinning the situation so she can get her way, you can respond:
“How do you see a situation where I’m doing all the work on a project and you’re getting all the results as me being lazy?”
I’ve actually tried something a little like this with my fiance. The only issue is that he actually will launch into a long and convoluted chain imperfect reasons why I should indeed feel ashamed. If I try to refute it he again says that I’m Cleary not intelligent which just brings it in a loop. What should I do?
Shea, the first thing I feel I need to say is that if you are not married yet and have the option of leaving the relationship, you might want to try to get some help from a therapist or spiritual counselor before you marry to help you understand why you are willingly entering a permanent relationship with someone who is emotionally abusive. My methods can stop abuse, but they do not work to heal the person who is abusing. Emotional abuse is a psychological addiction. My methods can stop him from abusing you, but they cannot do anything to make your relationship better or to help him overcome his issues. They will not help to enlighten him or get him to see the error in his thinking. My method is primarily for individuals who are struggling with a family member or spouse or coworker or boss, in situations where it leaving has real consequences.
But for anyone who is facing the resistance you are describing from an emotional abuser, here is how to approach the situation using my method. You don’t want to refute anything he says during these episodes. Your only task is to get him to explain why he thinks your behavior is shameful. If he gives an imperfect reason, you need to persist in trying to get him to explain why. Don’t let him give you a list of imperfect reasons. Stop him on the first one and ask him to explain further why he thinks it’s shameful. Don’t let him wiggle out by telling you you are not intelligent enough to understand. Tell him that everyone is capable of learning. Or tell him in order for you to improve you must understand why the behavior is shameful. If you approach him this way every single time he puts you down he will tire of this exercise and stop the behavior.
Here are some additional examples of language to use:
“If you are going to ask me to make a change in my behavior, you are going to have to state the reasons why what I’m doing is wrong.”
or
“I understand that you think these behaviors are shameful, but without more explanation from you, I don’t see anything shameful about them. So if you would like to think about it some more and then come back to me later I will be happy to revisit the subject. (If he criticizes you again for the same thing, ask him if he has figured out why the behavior is shameful. If he can’t, tell him you cannot make these changes until he explains himself in a way that makes sense to you.)
This has been so helpful for me when it’s necessary to communicate by email with my ex wife about our two children. However, about three months after I started doing this, she shifted. Her normal go to topics were my intelligence, manhood, and looks. Now she is trying to control my time with our children whom we share 50/50. if she doesn’t get her way she tells me I’m messing up the children and abusing them. She withholds my sons medication and when I ask for it she says I’m harassing her. She will ignore questions regarding the boys school (she withholds the school folder that comes home on her day each week) and if I dare ask a second time she again says I’m harassing her and abusive.
I feel like she realized what I was doing and is suddenly trying to project her abuse and harassment back onto me by intentionally creating situations where I have to contact her. I’m at a loss now. I don’t care that she says I abuse and harass her, but I’m concerned she is willing to involve the children now. How do I deal with it.
AD, I’m sorry to hear that things are deteriorating between you and your ex. These particular techniques unfortunately do nothing to heal a relationship or to improve it. The method is only useful to protect you from verbal abuse. But because the behavior is addictive, they may very well revert to other tactics to recreate the feeling of power and superiority.
What you are describing in terms of her present behavior is highly destructive, particularly the withholding of medication and you should be fully protected by any family court. I would immediately contact an attorney so you can take legal action to stop this behavior.
Best of luck.
How do you suggest handling someone who implies that you are always doing things that make them feel bad? My in laws trap all of us into CONSTANTLY apologizing. Basically everything we do can be twisted into something we should be apologizing for because regardless of our intent we made them feel bad
Just some examples:
Not spending Christmas with them makes them feel bad and we could easily avoid them feeling bad by just doing it their way
Not wanting to eat at the restaurant they want to
Not talking about the cost of gifts they have given
Having restrictions on our kids media and electronics use that we enforce at their house too
The list goes on and on
J, it’s very difficult for in-laws to recognize that they are no longer the parents and that the adult children have the final say over their own lives. But with good boundaries, not apologizing but just saying, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” and then moving on you can slowly get them to replace their negative behavior with healthy connections. They are sort of like children who would prefer getting everything their way, but who, when boundaries are enforced, end up feeling much better about themselves than they did when they were getting everything their way.
J, this is a difficult situation, but it can be dealt with. Instead of apologizing you can use some of the language from the method I have developed. The language would be, “When you say that it sounds as though you think I/we did something wrong.” If they are unfairly insinuating that you did something you need to apologize for, they will need to own up to it and say it outright. Then you get to listen carefully and ask a few questions and once they have finished say something like, “I think I understand why you feel that was wrong. But I/we have a different perspective. Then you can explain your perspective. This introduces them to the idea that their beliefs apply to their life but not your life. This is a difficult lesson for in-laws to learn, and in almost every instance the adult children have to slowly and patiently teach them these very important boundaries.
For more understanding on this subject you can read my blog post on difficult inlaws: http://www.nicolamethodforhighconflict.com/difficult-in-laws-stop-controlling-behavior/