How To Stop Emotional Abuse:
Advanced Techniques
How To Stop Emotional Abuse:
Advanced Techniques
Part 5 of the Blog Series: Can We Stop Emotional Abuse?
Part 5 of the Blog Series: Can We Stop Emotional Abuse?
In Part 1 we learned that emotional abuse is a coping mechanism that is not always completely voluntary behavior. Because the abuser is often reacting to psychological impulses that are driven by hidden motives, it is very hard if not impossible to stop this behavior by any direct means.
In Part 2, What The Emotional Abuser Knows That We Don’t That Can Hurt Us, we took a look at the psychological motivation that even the abuser is not aware of that drives them to engage in this destructive behavior. We discovered that emotional abusers are always responding to a hidden fear of social rejection, which they try to get rid of by making us feel even more insecure than they are. We found that the behavior pattern of emotional abuse can become psychologically addictive to the abuser, making this pattern very hard to change.
In Part 3, How To Stop Emotional Abuse Through Learning The Games Abusers Play, we began to look at ways to use this information about how an abuser thinks to stop emotional abuse. We zeroed in on the fact that emotional abusers try to make us feel unacceptable by acting like we are either not physically attractive enough, not sexually attractive enough, not intelligent enough, not competent enough, not socially skilled enough, not brave enough or not clean enough. We learned that the abuser tries to shake our-self confidence based on these seven qualities because they are the top common insecurities that all people tend to worry about.
When we examined these qualities closely, it became easy to see that although the abuser wants us to feel ashamed for lacking in these qualities, not having an abundance of these characteristics is actually not shameful at all. We may we tend to have a good deal of insecurity in these areas, but on closer inspection it is obvious that they are merely surface qualities that make us look good from the outside. They don’t make us a better person.
In Part 4, Techniques That Stop Emotional Abuse, you were introduced to the Nicola Method, a series of techniques that allow you to reduce conflict in any situation. The technique that you learned was specifically designed to allow anyone to stop emotional abuse. Using all of the information you had learned in the previous blogs in this series, this method allowed you to outsmart the abuser at their own game.
Putting It All Together
Although the technique from Part 4 works well, there are several more techniques that can also help you learn how to stop emotional abuse. In this final blog installment you will be presented with two additional techniques. You will also be introduced to a fourth technique from the Nicola Method that works to stop a very specific kind of subtle controlling behavior that may not be considered abusive but that emotional abusers frequently use to make us feel bad.
Once you learn these additional techniques you will have all of the tools you need to stop emotional abuse in any situation and within any kind of relationship. When you gain confidence in using them, you will find you can easily to stop behaviors ranging from the most extreme form of emotional abuse to the everyday controlling attitude of the abuser.
In addition, because it can be difficult to imagine an end to emotional abuse if you have been enduring it for some time, you will be given a detailed day-in-the life scenario based on a person who is using the Nicola Method techniques to stop emotional abuse within a marriage. This more detailed scenario will show you how to not only stop an episode of emotional abuse, but how to stop the behavior entirely by having all of these techniques available during abuse episodes.
If you are already familiar with the first technique to stop emotional abuse from Part 4, you can skip this review and scroll down to the section entitled “Two More Techniques That Show You How To Stop Emotional Abuse.”
Review Of The First Technique To Stop Emotional Abuse
Let’s now get started with a quick review of the first method you learned in Part 4. As you may recall, the way emotional abusers hurt us is always through trying to make us feel ashamed, usually over some personal characteristic. These characteristics or qualities that all emotional abusers choose to focus on can be divided into seven categories.
In our last blog installment we called these categories the Seven Qualities of Social Attraction because we tend to associate people who score high in these qualities with high ratings of social acceptance. But we can look at these qualities in another way.
We could just as easily label the lack of these qualities as Seven Fears of Social Rejection since we all seem to carry the insecurity that if we don’t score high on these characteristics we may be rejected by our peers. Here are the seven fears that our natural insecurity causes us to believe can lower our chances of being liked.
Seven Fears Of Social Rejection
1. Not being physically attractive enough.
2. Not being sexually attractive enough.
3. Not being intelligent enough.
4. Not being competent enough.
5. Not being socially skilled enough.
6. Not being brave enough.
7. Not being clean enough.
As you can see, none of these qualities make us a better person or a better friend, family member or companion. It is only our insecurities that lead us to believe that these qualities can give us any kind of real social power. But the emotional abuser is banking on us believing that these qualities hold the key to our social acceptance. Without a clear understanding of our own hidden insecurities in these areas, the abuser can push our buttons at any time and get the boost they need by engaging in exactly the same tactics used by the bullies from our childhood schoolyard.
In fact, if we use less sophisticated language for each of the seven qualities that the abuser tries to make us feel we are lacking, we can easily demonstrate that emotional abusers are really nothing more than a grownup version of the schoolyard bully from our childhood.
1. Not being physically attractive enough. (You’re ugly)
2. Not being sexually attractive enough. (Nobody wants you)
3. Not being intelligent enough. (You’re stupid)
4. Not being competent enough. (You’re a loser)
5. Not being socially skilled enough. (You’re a social reject)
6. Not being brave enough. (You’re a coward)
7. Not being clean enough. (You stink)
The technique to stop emotional abuse that you learned about in Part 4 begins with your use of this phrase:
“It seems like you think I should feel ashamed…”
Then all you need to do is identify which quality the abuser is trying to make you feel bad about and add that to the end of the sentence like this:
“It seems like you think I should feel ashamed about not being physically attractive enough.”
“It seems like you think I should feel ashamed about not being sexually attractive enough.”
“It seems like you think I should feel ashamed about not being intelligent enough.”
“It seems like you think I should feel ashamed about not being competent enough.”
“It seems like you think I should feel ashamed about not having enough social skills.”
“It seems like you think I should feel ashamed about not being brave enough.”
“It seems like you think I should feel ashamed about not being clean enough.”
If this language doesn’t match your style, you can use other words that mean the same thing such as:
“It seems like you think I should feel ashamed about not looking good enough.”
…not being pretty/handsome/cute enough.”
…not being smart enough.”
…not being good enough.”
…not having people smarts.”
…not being tough enough.”
…not being neat enough.”
The abuser will not know that you are about to outsmart them at their own game. They won’t realize that you already know that there is nothing shameful about not being beautiful, sexy, brilliant, greatly talented, socially adored, fearless or squeaky clean.
Because they have not examined these qualities as carefully as you have, they will believe that the reasoning for why you should feel ashamed is about to come tripping off their tongue. They will be very surprised when they instead draw a blank and find themselves unable to give a single reason why you should be ashamed over these qualities.
As we discussed in early parts of this series, the abuser gets their emotional fix from imagining you feeling ashamed. Even if you don’t believe what the abuser says about you, the abuser is more than capable of interpreting your defense against them as them succeeding in making you feel bad.
This technique lets you outsmart the abuser by taking away their ability to imagine they won. Instead, just when they think they are about to tell you off, they will realize they have no answers to your question and their inflated sense of superiority will deflate in front of you. In the abuser’s mind, this is a win for you. When abusers consistently find themselves on the losing side of making you feel bad, they will stop the behavior all on their own.
This technique can be used over and over successfully, but if you would like a few more options to choose from or if you are struggling daily with an emotionally abusive person, you may want to take a look at two more techniques from the Nicola Method that work in a similar way.
A Second Technique That Stops Emotional Abuse
Let’s now take a look at a second technique that allows you to stop emotional abuse without confrontation. The technique you are going to learn next works very well in any situation, but it works best with an angry abuser. Before you learn this technique it might be helpful for you to gather some more insider information about how the human mind works so you can see how this technique allows you to outsmart the abuser one more time. Let’s take a closer look at what happens to us when we are angry at another person.
The second technique is based on an observation that anyone can make about anger. You are about to find out that every time we get angry at another person we always believe they did something wrong. Just as our detective work uncovered that the abuser always wants us to feel ashamed, the same kind of investigation also shows us that every time someone is angry at us, the angry person always thinks we did something wrong.
You can test this out by thinking back to any time you have been angry at someone. You will always find that you believe they didn’t follow some kind of rule or they did not act in the way people are supposed to behave, in other words, they did something that was, at least in your opinion, wrong. Before you are shown how to use this insider knowledge to learn how to stop emotional abuse with a second technique, let’s add one more piece of information.
Anger And The Emotional Abuser
Emotional abusers use anger during abuse in a very specific way. They are working themselves into an angry state in order to help make what they are saying seem more real. What they are really doing is play-acting that you did something wrong so they can get you to feel ashamed. Remember, when the abuser imagines you feeling ashamed, they are able to feel better about themselves.
The piece of information you are about to learn that will show you how to stop emotional abuse is a second flaw in the emotional abuser’s attempt to make you feel bad. When an abuser acts angry at you, they are always pretending you did something wrong. The flaw in their reasoning is that you actually have not done anything wrong. You are now going to learn how to once again set the abuser up for failure by outsmarting them at their own game.
For this method you only need to memorize a single phrase and use it whenever you feel you might be being emotionally abused or psychologically attacked:
“It seemed like you thought I did something wrong.”
Let’s now look at a scenario where the sentence, “It seemed like you thought I did something wrong” is used so you can learn how to stop emotional abuse with this second technique. Most abusers back off very quickly when you use this phrase. However, because some abusers are more set in their ways than others, you will be shown a scenario based on a very persistent abuser so you can see how to follow this technique out to the end if necessary.
“Get off the couch and get to work, you lazy slob!”
“It seemed like you thought I did something wrong.”
“Oh, so you finally figured that out. Took you long enough.”
“So what did I do wrong?”
“What didn’t you do wrong is more like it.”
“Okay. But what do you feel was wrong about it?”
At this point the only answer would be a meaningful and appropriate discussion about how much work you each should do and what constitutes slacking off. However, the abuser will not be interested in a rational and fair discussion with you because those discussions don’t give them relief from their uncomfortable feelings. Only making you feel bad does this, so they will back off. They will probably use an off-the-cuff remark to cover up their inability to answer your question like, “You always have to have the last word, don’t you? Not this time. I’m out of here.”
This technique is very helpful for those who find they cannot think when they are being verbally attacked no matter how much preparation they give themselves. With this second technique, you only need to memorize one sentence which can be used to stop any kind of emotional abuse episode. Let’s see how this technique works in another scenario so you get a clearer understanding of how easily and effectively this phrase disarms an emotional abuser.
Evan is 17 and does not understand why his mother is constantly yelling at him and trying to make him feel bad. He decides to try out this technique with the phrase he has memorized the next time his mother is angry.
“How many times do I have to tell you not to make noise when I’m trying to watch my program! Now get out of here before I throw you out!”
“It seems like you think I did something wrong.”
“You sure got that right!”
“What did I do wrong, Mom?”
“I already told you! You made noise when I was watching my program. Can’t you get that through your thick skull?”
“What was wrong about it?”
His mother looks angry, then confused. She then rolls her eyes and gives a dramatic sigh and says:
“Okay. It wasn’t wrong. Could you please try not to make noise when I watch T.V.? Okay? Is that better? Sheesh, just trying to get a little peace and quiet around here.”
“All right. I can do that.”
In this scenario the son has successfully gotten his mother to restate her concerns in a healthy and appropriate way. If he uses this sentence consistently, Evan will be capable of stopping his mother’s pattern of emotional abuse.
Taking The Emotions Out – The Third Technique
The next technique you will learn works by taking the emotional charge out of an abuser’s words. Abusers use all different kinds of negative emotions to embellish the meaning of their words in order to try to make us feel bad. If we separate out the abuser’s emotions and get down to the actual meaning of what they are trying to say, we are usually left with a fairly neutral statement.
This third technique will allow you to re-frame what the abuser is trying to say to you without all of the negative overtones and present it back to them. The abuser will have no choice but to accept this emotionally watered-down version of what they said, since the meaning is still true. Because it is the emotional element that gives an abuser’s words their sting, taking the emotion out will make the abuser’s attempt to make you feel bad about yourself fall flat. Here is how to use the third technique to stop emotional abuse.
The phrase you will be using is:
“It seems like I am not living up to your standards.”
This sentence doesn’t stand up as well by itself as the phrase in our last technique, so you may need to fill it in with your actual situation in order to make it sound more natural. You might say:
“It seems like I am not living up to your standards for taking care of the kids.”
“It seems like I am not living up to your standards for how a wife should act.”
“It seems like I am not living up to your standards for spending our money.”
You will find that this technique allows you to take any insult about you and re-frame it into a healthy and appropriate way to state a complaint. When we use the framework of living up to standards, we are automatically reminded that we each have a right to live according to our own standards, which is something most of us tend to forget when we don’t like another person’s behavior.
When this technique is used on an abuser, it will once again allow you, with a completely non-confrontational approach, to foil the plan of an emotional abuser. The last thing they will want to do is enter into a healthy and fair discussion with you. They will back out of the conversation instead.
Here is a real-life scenario that will help you get an idea of how this third technique works:
“You expect me to eat this? What are you trying to do, make me sick?”
“It seems like you don’t think my cooking comes up to your standards.”
The emotional abuser’s choice of words to talk about your cooking is chock full of emotional sting. But bottom line, all the abuser is really saying once we take out the highly-charged language is simply that your cooking doesn’t live up to their standards. Although it might be disappointing to not meet someone’s standards, it does not carry the sting of abuse.
There isn’t really anywhere an abuser can go to make you feel bad after the emotional charge is removed. They might make a flippant comment or two, but this is only an attempt to not look foolish as they back out of the conversation. However, let’s keep going so you can see how to follow it to the end.
“You expect me to eat this? What are you trying to do, make me sick?”
“It seems like you don’t think my cooking comes up to your standards.”
“Your standards aren’t even good enough for the health department.”
“So what are your standards for cooking?”
“How about the ability to keep it in my stomach?”
“I’m being serious. What are your standards for what you want to eat?”
As you can imagine, the abuser does not want to talk about standards. They will back off by saying something like, “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Can’t I have a minute of peace in this house?” If this approach is used consistently, the abuser will abandon this tactic entirely.
Let’s go through a few more real-life scenarios using this third technique.
“That’s the last time I go out anywhere nice with you. Don’t think I didn’t see you looking at every woman that walked in the room!”
“It seems like I am not living up to your standards for how a good husband should behave.”
“That’s the understatement of the year!”
“What are your standards as far as how a husband should act when there are women in the room?”
Discussing standards is a healthy way to resolve our issues about our spouse’s behavior in public. The abuser has no interest in healthy resolution and will drop the subject, probably with a comment like, “You know what? I don’t have to answer your questions.” This may sound like the abuser has the last word, but it is really an excuse to back out of a conversation that you have made uncomfortable for them.
Let’s take a look at one final scenario, this time with an abusive teenager and her mother. If the word “standards” seems too formal, you can always substitute the word “ideals” as the mother does in this scenario.
“You make me sick! I hate you! I can’t believe what a terrible mother you are!”
“It sounds like I’m not living up to your ideals of what a good mom is.”
“That’s right! You’re the worst!”
“What are your ideals for how a mom should act in this situation?”
Many teenagers who are acting out abusively towards their parents are reacting to strong emotional swings that can be difficult for them to handle. You will often find that using this particular technique you can bring them back into a more emotionally calm state. Let’s see how this scenario might play out to the end:
“You make me sick! I hate you! I can’t believe what a terrible mother you are!”
“It sounds like I’m not living up to your ideals of what a good mom is.”
“That’s right! You’re the worst!”
“What are your ideals for how a mom should act in this situation?”
“Well, you shouldn’t be so mean.”
“Okay. What was the mean thing that I shouldn’t have done?”
“Oh, Mom, why can’t you understand? I really, really wanted to go over to Pam’s house this weekend.”
Although this may sound like more manipulation, getting your teenager to express their actual feelings instead of defensive anger is a great step. This technique can provide a rebellious teenager the chance to get in touch with real emotions and to express them through a more healthy communication style. It may not resolve the issues, but this technique can provide some much-needed moments of connection.
Techniques That Stop Controlling Behavior
The last technique that you will learn has not been developed to stop emotional abuse. Instead it is a technique that stops a common behavior often used by emotional abusers. This technique will allow you to put an end to the more subtle form of controlling behavior that is often a part of the pattern that emotional abusers engage in.
Most abusers use subtle forms of control along with the more obvious tactics in order to make them feel like they have more power or more control in their lives. We are going to look at a very common form of subtle control. It is so common that most of us have used it from time to time when we wanted to get our way without anyone questioning us.
The tactic emotional abusers use to make us do things their way without being questioned is to act like you want to do things their way even when you don’t. Let’s take a closer look at the tactic of pretending another person wants to do it your way.
When you act like someone wants to do things your way, you are setting up a situation where the other person has to either confront you to set the record straight or do it your way. Most people do not like confrontation and will choose to let it go. But manipulation, no matter how subtle it is, always gets to us. And when we let ourselves be controlled we often end up feeling as bad as we would if we started a confrontation.
Now let’s see how this tactic gets to us. A controller might announce that they have made reservations for an event in a way that makes it seem like they have done us a favor when they know we were never planning to attend that event. A controller might ask their spouse which formal outfit they would prefer to wear to an event when they know their spouse wasn’t planning to dress up at all. They might, knowing that you are allergic to dogs, embarrass you by announcing to one of your friends who is a dog lover that you hate dogs.
Here is the technique you will use in order to stop this form of subtly controlling behavior. When someone makes a statement that implies you believe something you don’t believe, you simply use this phrase:
“When you said that it seemed like you thought…”
Then add to the phrase whatever they are trying to get you to believe. Here are a few examples:
“When you said that it seemed like you thought I wanted to go to the opera.”
“When you said that it seemed like you thought I didn’t like dogs.”
“When you said that it seemed like you thought I was planning to dress up for the event.”
When you use this kind of non-confrontational language, the controller must face the fact that you don’t want to do it their way. By using this sentence you force them to correct themselves without you taking the heat for correcting them.
So how do people who use acting like you want to do things their way respond to this technique? They wiggle out of it with an excuse like, “Oh, well, it must have been your sister that was telling me she liked opera.” Or, “Oh, I thought the invitation said it was black tie. I must be mistaken.” Or, “Oh, well you should have told me you were allergic. And here I was thinking you just didn’t like dogs.” As plausible as their excuses may seem, they will know that they’ve been caught and will think twice before doing it again, especially if you consistently use this technique to outsmart them.
Very controlling people sometimes use this tactic through actions and not just words. A mother who finds out her unmarried daughter is pregnant might announce to the father of her future grandchild that she has made an appointment at the jewelers for him to look at rings.
A controlling father might ask his adult son what restaurant he wants to go to for his birthday and then drive the son to another restaurant that he wants to go to instead. A relative who thinks you should lose weight might cook a nice meal for everyone else but place a bowl of salad at your place at the table.
The way to use the third technique when the controlling person does something instead of says something that implies you want to do things their way is by changing one word in the phrase. Instead of saying:
“When you said that it seemed like you thought…”
You can instead say:
“When you did that it seemed like you thought…”
Let’s take a look at how well this technique can work for people who do things that make it seem like you wanted to do it their way. We will use the above examples as scenarios.
When the mother of his pregnant girlfriend has just announced she has made an appointment for him to pick out an engagement ring, he can say to her: “When you did that it seemed like you thought we had decided to get married.”
What can she say? He has clearly pointed out that she has broken an important social rule in making this decision for him. She will have to wiggle out of it.
When the father has asked his adult son where he wants to go for his birthday and then pulled into his favorite restaurant instead, the son can say to his father: “Dad, when you did that it seemed like you thought I wanted to go to the golf club for dinner.” This way he doesn’t have to confront his father directly. The sentence itself is designed to point the father directly to his controlling behavior.
When your relative has just placed a bowl of salad at the table for you instead of the spaghetti everyone else was served you can say, “When you did that it seemed like you thought I was on a diet.”
Each of these sentences catches the controller red-handed and forces them to admit to not playing by the social rules. They will definitely think before they try it again.
This technique also works well on subtle forms of criticism disguised as innocent statements.
Let’s say your sister-in-law with three kids decides to make a dig at your expense over the fact that you are putting off having children to get your career off the ground. When she makes the innocent-sounding dig by saying to her young son who you are happily playing with, “Come away, Tommy, Aunt Sally doesn’t want to see your drawing,” you can reply like this:
“When you said that it seemed like you thought I didn’t like being with children.”
When you bring the insult she was subtly implying to the surface she will be forced to back off and she will think twice before insulting you again.
Now that you have learned four techniques that you can use to stop emotional abuse, here is a day-in-the life scenario to help you see how these techniques can be used on regular basis until the abuser realizes they can no longer get away with the behavior and they decide to stop.
To end this series, we will take a look at how these techniques can be used in order to stop not only individual episodes, but also the chronic behavior pattern of emotional abuse. You will now be taken through a day in the life of a person who is using the Nicola Method techniques in order to stop her husband’s emotional abuse. As in the previous scenarios, we will be using scenarios with a very persistent abuser so you can learn how to use this technique even in difficult situations.
This scenario will include the three techniques to stop emotional abuse as well as the technique that stops controlling behavior so you can see how the method works in real life. By following along with a day in the life scenario, you will be able to see how using these techniques to stop the abuser from engaging in this behavior pattern both empowers the person being abused and also takes away the control from the abuser.
A Day In The Life Of An Emotional Abuser
Sarah and her husband, Tom, are getting ready for work. She sits down with her coffee to read the paper. Tom puts his section down and says, “Really, Sarah? You’re going to work looking like that?” She answers, “It’s casual Friday, Tom.”
“You know what, it’s bad enough that I have to live with a slob like you. Do you have to advertise to everyone else? Now get upstairs and put on something respectable!”
Sarah decides to use the first technique from the Nicola Method. She answers him with the phrase she has learned:
“It seems like you think I should feel ashamed about dressing this way.”
“Well, I am. Aren’t you?”
“What do you think I should feel ashamed about.”
“Oh, come on! Do I really have to explain it?”
“I don’t want to do something that I feel ashamed of, so, yes, I do want to know.”
Tom starts to answer and then changes his mind. He says, “I’ve had it with this conversation. I’m going to be late. Just drop it, okay? I’m out of here.” Tom gets his coat and leaves.
Sarah gets home from work. Tom, is sitting at the dining table. As she closes the door he gets up, fists clenched around a piece of paper and says, “Just who do you think you are?”
“What do you mean, Tom? What’s going on?”
You know very well. You think I didn’t see your little list of people who are coming to our house tomorrow?”
“Yeah, that’s who we’re inviting.”
“That’s right. And I see you invited Jack.”
“He’s Suzie’s husband. They’re our neighbors. We have to invite them.”
“Right, and you expect me to believe that’s the real reason? Do you have any idea how transparent you are? Admit it. You’ve been trying to get up next to him for months now. Don’t think I don’t see how you look at him. I know exactly why he’s on your list.”
Sarah puts her second tool that she has learned from the Nicola Method to use. She says:
“It sounds like you think I did something wrong.”
“You’re darned right you did something wrong!”
“What did I do wrong?”
“I just told you. You don’t understand anything, do you?”
“I don’t want to do things wrong and I would like to know.”
“Can’t you get it through your thick head? You invited Jacky-boy.”
“I know I invited him. I’m just trying to figure out why it was wrong.”
Tom hesitates, starts to say something, then instead says, “Forget it. I can’t talk to you about anything.” He leaves the room shaking his head.
After dinner Tom starts to go through their mail. Sarah is watching T.V. when she feels an envelope drop onto her lap from behind her shoulder. She turns around to see Tom glaring down at her. She picks up the opened envelope and says, “What’s this, Tom?”
“Well, I think it just might be a credit card statement. What do you think?”
“I know it’s a credit card statement.”
“You thought I wouldn’t see this, didn’t you?”
“What are talking about?”
“I’m talking about your little spending spree, as if you didn’t know.”
“I bought some clothes for work.”
“What you did was spend us out of house and home. And I am sick and tired of you trying to get things like this over on me. What did you think you were doing spending this kind of money?”
Sarah tries out her third technique for stopping emotional abuse.
“It sounds like I don’t meet your standards for how much money I should be spending on clothes.”
“Meet my standards? You want to know what my standards are? My standards are you not buying the whole store. That what my standards are!”
“So what are your standards for how much I should spend?”
“I don’t know anything about any standards and I’m not going to sit and talk about standards, okay? Now I’m tired of listening to you. Would you just drop it?” Again, Tom leaves the room.
The next morning at breakfast Tom is making coffee, his back towards her. He tells her, “I’m making reservations for Palm Springs at the golf resort next month. I got a good deal from the timeshare company, so you need to cancel our hotel in Hawaii.
Sarah recognizes this as controlling behavior since she is aware that Tom knows she not only has no interest in golf but she would never choose to go to Palm Springs for a vacation. She decides to try out her technique for controlling behavior.
“It sounds like you think I want to go to Palm Springs instead of Hawaii.”
Tom turns around as if he is going to say something, and then hesitates. She sees confusion pass over his face, and then he throws his coffee cup in the sink, grabs his briefcase and as he is walking out the door says, “Fine! Just fine! I’ll cancel the Palm Springs!”
Sarah has successfully defused three abusive episodes and one attempt at controlling her. Although Tom may have backed out of each of these interactions as though it was his idea, you can be assured that this was only to save himself from looking foolish when his attempts to make her feel bad failed so miserably.
If Sarah consistently disarms Tom every time he tries to abuse or control her, he will on his own stop the behavior pattern of emotional abuse without her ever needing to intervene in an open or confrontational way.
If you would like to learn the Nicola Method so you can put an end to the high conflict situations you may be experiencing, click on this link to the welcome page of this website where you will find the resources you need.
If you want to try out some of the basic techniques of this method for free to see if this method is right for your situation, you can learn them from an intro guide flip-book here or a PDF version of the intro guide here.
Oh, my, goodness! This method is a God send! I am going to start using it right away. Thank you for making it available for all to read. I have hope for my life!
Dana, I’m so glad these techniques seem like the right fit for you. I’m always available through e-mail for any questions or problems that may come up as you use them.
I stumbled across this blog this afternoon after looking for ways to deal with my emotionally abusive mother in law after she’s up-ed her game with my first pregnancy. My husband and I read these 5 posts and the inlaws post in one go. It is so helpful to understand the hows and whys of her behavior, and to have some simple stock phrases to disarm her. My husband has tried for years to explain to others why her behavior is hurtful…but it’s so subtle and she’s so nice to everyone outside the family you sometimes wonder if you’re going insane!
Particularly found the 7 social traits explanation helpful. It was like a list of everything about my husband she attacks. Even the sexually attractive one, with phrases like “Your wife deserves so much better than you she’s so much prettier, you’re lucky to have her. You need to be careful or she’ll leave you.”
We both care about her deeply and knowing our desire to maintain a loving relationship while not getting hurt by her emotional abuse is achieveable is so encouraging. I feel like we understand her better. Thank you for writing so much for writing this.
I’m so glad to hear these were helpful for you!
Hi there,
I appreciate you posting these articles. Thanks so much.
I have a few concerns about what is written that I hope you can discuss.
If the abusive behavior is responded to in the ways that you suggest, what happens then over the long term? If people’s abuse stems from earlier life experiences then the memories of these experiences don’t just go away for the abuser and may be expressed in other ways.
I wonder whether abusive behavior just goes away, whether the behavior takes other, unloving forms, or whether the abuser gets dissatisfied with the communication and leaves the relationship.
What long term case histories can you share that demonstrate that the phrases you’ve posted end the abuse and lead to greater emotional stability for both people in the relationship, to more love, and to more harmony?
These are valid questions, the answers to which could profoundly strengthen what you’ve shared.
Thank you.
James, in answer to your questions, the methods I teach that stop emotional abuse were not developed to lead to greater emotional stability for both people in the relationship, to more love, or to more harmony. This method is purely a form of self-defense that takes away the abuser’s ability to use these particular tactics on the individual using the techniques.
Abuse may stop in certain circumstances due to the fact that in most cases emotional abuse is an addictive behavior pattern and for those individuals who are aware of their behavior and wish they could stop, these techniques may close the door to addictive behavior which can help an individual to break their destructive habit and practice healthier coping behaviors. And there are also occasional situations where a person can over time build enough positive self-esteem when they are stopped from abusing to overcome the pain of their earlier life experiences. But generally speaking, the use of these techniques is for the person who is abused to be able to protect themselves.
To further answer your questions, you are right that not allowing an abuser to use destructive coping behaviors can often lead to their leaving the relationship in search of someone else who will. And yes, that person may also find a way to cope with their early childhood pain in different ways which may not be healthy for the relationship.
Thank you very much indeed, Joanna, for your honest answers to my questions.
You’re welcome, James, and thank you again for your contribution to this discussion.
This was a fantastic article, helped me get some awareness and closure on a recently ended relationship. Keeping this article accessible for any future situations 🙂
“The real social assets that define our true worth to others have to do with our ability to abide by the social rules of our society and include honesty, integrity and the ability to recognize others’ needs as being equally important as our own. To sum it up, our social worth is defined by how well we treat others, not on our outer social appearance.”
My question is what to do when the emotional abuser attacks me regarding one of these real social assets. For example “You only think about yourself. You’re so self centered you don’t think about me or my needs. Just think outside of yourself and be more aware of what’s going on!”
This accusation isn’t at all true, but how to respond?
Sara, these kinds of complaints are usually not examples of abuse. It’s hard to abuse someone using this kind of language, since it’s fairly neutral. This type of language, if the person being accused is actually very considerate of the others’ needs, is usually indicative of someone who is feeling uncared for due to insecurity, but not wanting to learn to take care of their own needs. Instead they will often transfer their inadequacy in taking care of their own needs onto others, making their neediness the other person’s problem to take care of.
Feel free to give me more details if this response doesn’t seem to apply to your situation.
I hear what you’re saying, that actual, human social-value criticism stems not from abuse, but from insecurity. However, I have a few counterpoints to what you’re saying here. Could there not be abusers who are exceptionally clever and malevolent who use your actual flaws (as opposed to imagined or fabricated ones) against you, such as moral failures, or lack of character in a certain area?
Okay, my second counterpoint is to this statement, “…is usually indicative of someone who is feeling uncared for due to insecurity, but not wanting to learn to take care of their own needs. Instead they will often transfer their inadequacy in taking care of their own needs onto others, making their neediness the other person’s problem to take care of.” Abuse itself stems from insecurity. How is offloading your own insecurity not also a form of emotional abuse?
You also said “It’s hard to abuse someone using this kind of language, since it’s fairly neutral. ” Again, I would disagree with this. Telling someone “you ONLY think about yourself!” said in like an angry tone, definitely sounds combative and accusatory and can definitely be used to shame someone or offload negative feelings. I guess, maybe we have a different definition of neutral.
I’d be interested to get your take on these thought. Thanks!
Grant, let me try to answer these very interesting questions. You asked could there not be abusers who are exceptionally clever and malevolent who use your actual flaws (as opposed to imagined or fabricated ones) against you, such as moral failures, or lack of character in a certain area. The answer is yes, they can, but these flaws are not things we should be ashamed of. The only aspect of behavior that we should be ashamed of turns out to be limited to immoral behavior.
For instance, laziness is not immoral. It doesn’t hurt anyone. Cowardliness is not immoral. We do not have to be ashamed because we are afraid, as two examples of character flaws. If someone is immoral, harping on their immoral behavior doesn’t work well to satisfy an abuser. Take the case of a father who can’t get themselves to spend time with their child. If his ex continually berates him for not seeing his kid, we wouldn’t call it abuse. We would probably hope that her harping gets him to change his ways. It is always shame the abusers are looking for. If she calls him a dirty disgusting pig for not seeing his child that could work as a abuse tactic, but only because people are not disgusting because they choose not to see their child. So because it’s not true it could work for the abuser. If the abuser tries to tell the truth and says the father is cruel and is creating psychological damage to their child, again, this is not abuse. It’s something that should be told to the father.
Make sense? On the other hand, if it was a situation where the mother as an ex alienates the child and manipulatively blocks the father from seeing the child, she can abuse him by telling him he is a bad father. Once again, the allegation will be false because it’s not his fault. But if she says it is, that’s an abusive tactic. But please feel free to come up with a situation that challenges my theory.
To your second question, isn’t offloading insecurity about taking care of your needs onto someone else abusive behavior, I would answer that many of the manipulative behaviors such as blame-shifting or trying to get without giving or making your needs someone else’s responsibility don’t fall under the category of abuse. My definition of emotion abuse is a chronic attempt to purposely inflict emotional pain. The behaviors in your question don’t constitute emotional abuse.
Your third question, I am not sure where in my work I use a phrase like “You only think about yourself.” I might need a little more clarification on that question.
Hi Joanna,
I am so glad I stumbled across your method for how to stop emotional abuse :). I have a few questions though. My in-laws have been emotionally abusive to me and my husband since we got married ten years ago, and they do sometimes attempt to bully me into shame over some of the shameless social “flaws,” such as physical attractiveness and sexual attractiveness, but they also attempt to make me feel shame in other, non-social areas. They will try to shame me for my race, for my decision to be a stay at home mom, and for many other things that I think they are just insecure about, and so they attack me for them.
My question is this. Can I just as effectively add those issues onto the end of the “it seems like you think I should feel ashamed for…” sentence? For example, could I say, “It seems like you think I should feel ashamed for being a stay at home mom,” and make it work just as well as not being physically attractive or any of those other seven shameless issues?
Thank you!
Sarah, yes, your example is exactly the way these phrases should be used. For a few more ideas on how to best manage your situation you can take a look at this blog post http://www.nicolamethodforhighconflict.com/difficult-in-laws-stop-controlling-behavior/.
Hi Joanna ,
I have been married for 15 yeas now. I’m a mom of two wonderful kids. A 14 years old boy and 11 Years old girl. I’ve been suffering from emotional abuse since our engagement but I didn’t realize until late. For the first five years of our marriage used to physically abuse me then I was able to stop that five years ago. It was hard for me to detect The emotional abuse because I thought that he loves me and cares about me. Lately I started to suffer a lot and I always thought that there is something wrong about it. My husband was abusing me with the fact that I’m not so social and he used to tell me that people hate me because I’m not social . Lately I started to search online for the word abuse and I’ve been reading a lot of commands of many people saying leave him but when I read your article it was something else it really made me think again. I was thinking of leaving my husband because I couldn’t stand it anymore it’s like torture. The only concern was my kids , they really need their dad at this critical age. I wanted another chance for him. I didn’t try your tactic yet as I’m still gathering information. But I wanted to aske u if I will be able to forgive him ever and if this gonna work for our relationship. By the way he is using silent treatment with me now.
Asma, I’m sorry to hear about your situation. I’m glad you were able to stop the physical abuse. It is very hard to make a decision to leave when there are children involved. Unfortunately my method for stopping emotional abuse does not work to heal the abuser in any way. It was developed as a method that can protect someone who is being emotionally abused, but the chances of improving the marriage with it are very low.
Because your situation is so very complex your best bet instead of using my method would be to engage the help of an experienced therapist who can support you through whatever decision you choose to make. My method is not meant to be used in relationships where physical abuse is involved even if the abuse happened in the past in order to ensure the safety of both you and your children.
Dear Miss Nicola:
Thank you for this incredible approach to emotional abusers — to which I call emotional blackmailers. I have dealt with a family of emotional abusers for the entirety of my adult life. Your techniques work well for most forms of emotional abuse, but I am struggling to find techniques in dealing with an emotional abuser that threatens repercussions for not allowing them to control your life — *and* follows through on many of those threats. I rent from one of my emotional abusers and this person has threatened to evict me, withhold necessary building maintenance, causes confrontations concerning *any* repair work we need in the house, and has in the past, excommunicated me from family functions if I do not obey him, behave the way he dictates, or do as he demands. I am on limited income as I am disabled, and renting this house is my only option. If you have any guidance for this kind of emotional blackmail and abuse, please do not hesitate to reply to me via email. Thank you for helping to bring sanity to a seriously unbearable situation. I look forward to your reply, if you so choose to extend one.
Hi I am in a 2and a half month relationship and see these things happening to me every 2 or 3 weeks – huge emotional blow ups … we have never been out in public, ever on a date. he invites me over, we have a great time, he lights candles, he cooks fancy meals and drinks, makes me coffee in the morning. but everytime i say meet me at coffee shop, im going to the mall near your place, or come with to a barbecue by my friend or come have coffee at my house, he never picks up the message in time or happens to have other things to do. After I invited him for drinks at a friend, he steers clear from committing to answering by going off in other conversations. When I asked him on the day again, he said he had a work colleague coming to his place that evening. So i went to my friend and we visited and caught up on old times till 3am. Half way through the night, he sent me a red-faced emoticon. I responded about 4 hours later when in got home at 3am with a question mark. so he messaged me in the morning asking if I went to my friend. I said yes I was tired and wld type but didn’t feel like sending voice notes.
He asked if it was because I was sulking that he didn’t go with me. I said no and I went to make a cup of tea and put washing on so that I could wake up and chat to him.
When I picked up my fone, he left msg after msg saying I don’t have any manners, just ignoring him. He said I didn’t have the decency to speak to him all night, after we spent a few hours together at his house the previous afternoon as he invited me for lunch, before I went to my friend. And I could stay up till 3am and now don’t want to talk to him. He then said the way he handles rude people is as follows: “They get the f…k out of my life.” “He can also be cold” “Cheers”.
I said what are on about, I was busy putting on washing and sent him a pic of my tea. His response was “whatever” and this just perpetuated infuriation after I said I also have home chores and that just because he sees my status online I am checking whether my kids are contacting me it does not mean I am chatting but even if I was chatting, I can do that if I want to and that he was busy having his friend over, so he had the freedom to talk to me if he wanted the previous night.
He said I have a bad attitude and uptight and I was not serious about him and superficial and when he was on a project (right at the beginning when we met) I got irked that he cld not speak to me, now that he can speak I am not interested. I must leave him alone from that moment and say cheers. That we write us off as a bad experience, I pee’ing him off. I must not contact him again. I am rude, must grow up and learn manners, and not blame him for my attitude. He said he does not need me. He will block my number as he is not in the wrong, he invited me for lunch and I had an attitude.
I responded the next day with a long message, as I felt it important for my self-worth. As I had only sent 2 messages since the previous day after his about 20 voicenotes. Paraphrased I said I am not one of his projects he can direct and control and that he was not capable of being open to receiving love if it hit him in the face. He intermittently says or infers that some of the stuff he says /does is above my intelligence capacity, so I said that he lacks the objectivity to respond rationally when there is pressure and that its fine that he does not need me but that his emotional intelligence will fail him in the next relationship.
OK that blew his top that I dared to respond. He said it is water off a ducks back, my mind is of low level (although I have a successful career too as does he), I have got personal with him and only responded to provoke him, so now I must f. off. And for the sake of peace not to contact him again. Then he said, nicely “Bye now. Lets leave it at that ok. Cheers.”
We deleted each others number, but we both added it the next day again.
We are actually great and have fun and romance and chatting together, but there have been 2 previous instances similar in nature where he accuses me of not being serious, we are too different, our schedules clash.
I don’t know if:
->I should pursue us and implement your tactics even though I must try to analyse my responses as I never know when he may just blow up.
->Whether I should just stay away. I know he will contact me again. I was re-reading his message yesterday and as I closed a new message coming through, it disappeared and I dialled his number accidentally. He immediately called back but I killed the call. He then send a message to say he had a missed call from me, but I responded with “Error.”
->Whether we should just remain non-romantic friends if possible.
Neither he or I have loads of free time outside of work and our kids so meeting a few times a week worked great. He runs a complex business, and oversees factories in a timezone with 7 hour difference, so he sleeps about 2 to 3 hours a day, drinks a lot although never aggressive only jolly.
I would like to help him, somehow… or do you think should just try the preventative strategies?
What would the long-term help entail?
Regards, R
Rene, I’m sorry but I was not able to get a clear picture of the dynamics in this relationship. But I would always encourage people, particularly those who are not married and without children to steer clear of any relationship that they feel is abusive. You really need to be with someone who can match your level of health.
Thanks so much for the practical tips; the 7 points all seem to relate to judging “enough-ness”. I have a question on my parents in law — they seem to take jabs about my not DOING enough, or simply not BEING enough, and I am not seeing how that might fit into one of the 7 categories.
My MIL often insinuates I am not doing enough, and says that this can result in one being selfish. I am nearly 50, and have always worked outside the home and have always conservatively taken financial responsibility (for myself, and now together with my husband for our family). I worked since I was 16, worked during my school/college studies, worked while my kids were babies and todlers, and carried on working. As my kids became older I set up my own consulting company, so that I’d could continue but reduce the hours I work a bit/avoid commuting/make it a little less demading — so that I could also keep up with covering all of my kids’ activities, support them with schoolwork and peer issues, and keep in touch with my kids so that they are disciplined and stay on track. My MIL constantly makes comments about how I could take on more work (by working in my husband’s line of work or “tracking all his job offers for him”, or by hiring employees into my company, or by looking at additional types of consulting to do; and when her acquaintances’ adult daughter stopped working and the acquaintances as grandparents had to step in to sort her out / deal with her child since she was not taking responsibility, my MIL said to me jokingly “let that be a warning to you” (- ? I’ve never asked them to take care of my kids, who are now teens); when I mentioned a friend of mine stopped working to take some time off with her kids and I said I thought maybe my friend is doing enough (because she has kind and well adjusted kids), my MIL responded with “No that is NOT enough. Someone paid for your friend to go to college and she is not even using that.” I am now considering taking a break from work altogether for a couple years (we can afford it for awhile, now) to meet my family’s needs before my kids leave for college, and to reduce my stress, but I am afraid of her judgement. There is no recognition that I do nearly all the work relating to the kids and their schedules/appointments/needs, I take care of all the house and car maintenance, my husband travels a lot and does not do 50% of the family work anyway, and I need a break. I know she would say I would not be doing enough and would be acting selfishly — but I feel this should be my husband’s and my decision, not her’s to judge. My MIL worked in a job that demanded fewer hours than mine, but she would never admit to that; and doesn’t acknowledge that she took many years off when her own kids were little (and also retired early due to what I see as stress-related health issues). She has also made constant comments about how often I should do laundry and clean the house, took over my kitchen on holidays, etc. I have found myself making little jabs back at her, but I recognize that helps no one, and I want to react in a better way.
My FIL insinuates I am not good enough. When my child was born and my husband walked away from the table, my FIL said, “you’re luckly to have him, you know” (in reference to my husband, who is their golden child). Because I work from home on a reduced schedule he acts as if I don’t have a real job, asking me to drive them places during my work day, when he has visited. He also comments often about how intelligent their other daughter in law is, how “good” she is in general (never making such comments about me). When I am having a busy season with work, my FIL will very pointedly note how wonderful it is that my husband put the meat on the BBQ (not mentioning that I made all the rest of the dinner after working till 1am).
Their comments trigger me every time, I really struggle with how to deal with them.
Thanks!
Cara, what a strange perspective that your in-laws have as far as work goes. It’s sad that they don’t recognize what a wonderful mom you are, how responsible and focused in your priorities. The techniques that you need to work with your in-laws can be found in my blog post for controlling in-laws athttp://www.nicolamethodforhighconflict.com/difficult-in-laws-stop-controlling-behavior.
The best kinds of phrases for your MIL will be “It sounds like you are afraid that…” Let the end of the phrase match whatever you sense she is afraid of. You might also consider having a sit-down conversation with her about what it is she is afraid of. You would need to make the discussion a sort of interview, not about her criticism of you but about what her fears are about you. Framing your questions to her as relating to fears makes her focus on what her real issue is. It’s not actually that you are a bad mother or worker or wife or contributor, it’s that she is afraid of the consequences if you are not those things. Every time she insinuates that you are lacking you can use a phrase like, “When you said that it seemed like you were afraid that I…” and fill in the blank with what you think she is worried that you are going to do or not do.
Thanks, that helps. As I have though about it, I suspect she may have her own insecurities about being taken ‘seriously’. Love your site!
Best,Cara
You’re welcome, Cara. And best of luck.
i have done something like this method for years. it does not work against abusive women. men who are trapped in abusive relationahips should be very careful not to try and “outsmart” their abusive wives, unless they want to be accused of abuse themselves and have police called on them.
Thank you. Foubd this site in a tough time with my spouse. Wehavea child with Severe Autism which causes stress, yet I am realizing I am in a pattern of being hurt by my spouse emotionally for things outside of my control that are side effects of our son’s condition. I appreciate the concrete helpful steps to diffuse the most challenging situations
I’m so glad that these techniques have helped you. Best of luck. This is clearly a very difficult situation.
Thank you for posting this blog. I have learned so much.
I’ve been married 42 years and my wife often resorts to name calling and doing exactly what you describe and resorted to physical abuse a few times. My wife is only high conflict with me and she tries to control it outside our marriage. She’s hurt her relationship with our kids spouses sometimes by her trying to control child rearing without being subtle.
She is also very generous, keeps in touch with distant relatives, sends birthday cards to everyone and is reliable and responsible. We do have some great times and have an active life, but the high-conflict, lack of any intimacy, and verbal abuse is make life unbearable lately.
If all is going well, then it will be minor things sending her off and sometimes there are serious events and she has the same high-conflict approach to both.My kids said they remember mom always being made at me.
You are so correct that this is not something she consciously does, but rather a visceral reaction. She goes into this high-conflict mode with a red-face, aggressive stance, and hurls out verbal abuse like she rehearsed it. She will never apologies to me unless I call her out on the remarks.
I did manage to reduce the verbal abuse significantly by asking her “Would you say that to a stranger or a new acquaintance?” she always answers no.
The worst situations are when it is a serious issue such a business down-turn (own a business) and the anxiety causes her to see everything as a failure, all my mistakes are to her obvious, and she starts spouse comparing. I certainly have had enough ups and downs to the ovens of contempt.
I’ll need to try your techniques.
This is a very difficult and complex situation. You may need to use a combination of emotional abuse techniques found in this four-part blog series and also conflict-lowering techniques for women who are very insecure combined with high emotionality which you will find in my free workbook for high-conflict partners which you can download from my website.
What you are mostly up against is her inability to face her shame at hurting you, which can lock her into further negative behavior. It can help to use language that allows her a do-over, which you will find in my workbook. When she gets to do a do-over, and frame her feelings in a more positive way, she can begin to let go of the shame she feels over not being able to control her emotions which causes her to hurt the person she loves.
hi, this method is incredible! i have two questions
besides for laziness, one of my insecurities is selfish. i saw you said above that its not possible for calling someone selfish to be abusive. but, it definately can be manipulative – my husband will say a decision of mine is selfish or not thinking of him and i immeidately feel shame and back down.
we are also religious, and ive been thinking of using the nicola method when he says im not dressed modestly enough (he is quite controlling in that area). but if i keep asking, seems like you think im not modest enough, he’ll say hell yes and thats a very bad thing because its against the custom. which is a real thing that we have to follow. that will just prove his point that im not good enough (in a religious sense). so how would i answer that, im worried this will backfire and highlight to him that my standards for modest dress are less than he would like (which really embarrasses him as he’s part of the clergy. but im okay with it)
just nb, i changed quite a few things in my dress after repeated criticism from him, i am terrified of his comments that im not dressed right even though they’re very low key, and i would like to go back to how i used to dress (just minor changes, but major to him)
These are great questions, but they do go into areas other than emotional abuse which I cover in other blog posts. I would not call your husband abusive from what I am reading from you. Your feeling of shame does not necessarily indicate there is abuse even though you may be feeling oppressed or pushed down in some way. What you are writing about has to do with what I define as the five unspoken promises of a marriage. These promises can be found in this blog post .
Let me try to show you how to apply these concepts in your situation. In order to figure out if your spouse is being abusive, despite the feelings he may be bringing up in you, we will need to ask one simple question. Do you believe that he is wishing for you to feel emotional pain. Do you believe he is trying to punish you or get you back in some way by using cruel, insensitive or uncaring words or actions.
I believe you mentioned that you may have a sensitivity to feeling criticized for being selfish. And all your husband has to do is mention it and you will back off. This might not be abusive, but it could be manipulative if he knows it will back you off. But there is an equally good chance that he truly feels that you are not following the promises of marriage. My definition of the five promises of marriage, or the promises we make to each other in the traditional sense of the word marriage are as follows:
1. We promise to make a safe emotional environment for each other.
2. We promise to think of our spouse’s needs as equally important as our own.
3. We promise to share decision-making power and resources fairly.
4. We promise to let our spouse to have their own beliefs and not try to get them to
adopt ours.
5. We promise to behave in ways that are acceptable to our community, our friends or our
culture.
The first issue you bring up has to do with promise number two. Using the language of this promise you should be able to ask your husband in what way does he feel like you are not thinking of his needs to be as important as your own. This will give you both language to discuss what he probably thinks of as a very difficult subject to put into words. If you believe you are thinking of his needs strongly, then this language should allow you to defend yourself with actual examples of circumstance. Without this language neither of you has words to discuss the problem, and it may end up becoming a power of wills, which because of your sensitivity you will probably lose, creating is an situation position for you.
Let’s now turn to your second issue, which I don’t believe is emotional abuse, but could have an element, as you say, of manipulation and control. Again, what we need to do is figure out whether his wish for you to alter your clothing is legitimate or if it is a ploy that allows him to feel in control over a situation that is not going to be under the control of anyone except the person making the clothing choice.
When you say that you have differing beliefs on what is appropriate clothing and you bring in a religious aspect, this enters into the area of promise 5. Let me try to explain that promise. When we enter into a marriage there are certain agreements we must make. And one of them is to honor the culture and traditions that each partner grew up in and chooses to keep in adulthood. It certainly is possible that people with differing or opposing cultures or traditions can make a marriage work. But they do need to decide as a couple how they are going to honor each side’s traditions before they jump into a marriage.
And couples can successfully negotiate a relationship where one partner keeps their culture and traditions and the other does not conform. But to do this, both partners must be aware at the beginning of the relationship that this difference in lifestyle will be a part of the marriage. Spouses must be free to choose whether a marriage should be entered into if one partner chooses to let go of tradition.
But what we cannot do is change our plans about adhering to custom and tradition somewhere in the middle of the marriage. This is not fair to the partner who believed that they would be able to live their life according to their custom. This may sound like an outdated view of marriage, but please refer to my blog post where you will see that this unspoken rule is really very important. When we make a decision to let go of custom or tradition after marriage, we need to give our partner the opportunity to decide whether they are okay with the change. Hopefully there is an option for ending a marriage which the conforming spouse has the right to ask for. Generally speaking, unless the custom and tradition seems cruel or very oppressive, which would very likely go against the spirit of the religion or custom, it is not fair to impose a change in lifestyle on the partner and one should try to maintain the lifestyle that was expected.
In your situation, it goes even beyond a person lifestyle choice. Marrying into the clergy means you knew ahead of time what would be asked of you might be more extreme than another marriage within your culture. Although it may seem like a very simple change on your part, how we look is always reflected back on the other spouse. So your husband does have a right to expect you to conform to the average dress expectations of a clergy’s wife. And he is right that he shouldn’t have to be embarrassed by it. However, it sounds like the religious custom is not so extreme that you cannot dress as you wish in your own home, and I wouldn’t say that your husband should have any say in that choice.
On the other hand, if other clergy wives do not conform to this standard, and ways of dressing in your community and culture are loosening as time goes by, it would make sense that you should be able to choose to loosen your standards to conform. Problems may arise if individual members of his family or community are very strict and want to maintain old ways. But again, if you knew that these expectations were in place before you got married and you did not prepare your husband for your lack of adherence to expected dress, then he has the right to ask to conform.
If you have only recently come to beliefs about the culture or religion that do not conform with his, this is not a question of clothing. It is a question of you developing beliefs that don’t fit into your culture or tradition. So these are very serious issues that can occur within a marriage, but that must be presented in a very serious way with a lot of mental preparation on your part.
In order to make these changes in a way that comports with the agreements of a marriage you would have to in time convince your spouse that your feelings about that aspect of the religion are valid and very important to you, even if he feels differently. You will both have to learn to agree to disagree but remain respectful of the other’s choice. But you would have to both work out how to navigate through the community so there your spouse does not have to receive go through unnecessary negative judgment.
hi, i really appreciate your perspective and taking the time to answer. i have been thinking a lot about your answer, since it surprised me. i want to give you a few more details to see if it changes your advice at all. i really want to do the right thing, but i am very confused and him telling me what to do seems wrong.
i am confused because in many areas my husband is a good husband. helpful, listens to me etc. the problem is he lashes out and makes hurtful comments every so often, even though ive spoken to him about how it makes me feel.
but the specific problem im asking you about, is our issue of religious standards. you said in your answer ‘when we make the decision to let go of custom and tradition after marriage’, but that is not exactly how it happened with us. thats why im confused.
my husband and i got married and we both agreed to live as clergy. this was very comfortable to me and lots of my friends did the same.
after about two years, he started criticising my clothes as not modest enough. it started with one particular shirt he said was too low. i said, no its not its fine and resisted. it became ongoing. but for the first two years, no criticism, and i didn’t change how i dressed. at the time i was so upset and busy defending myself that i never thought to say, but you saw how i dressed when we were dating before marriage.
he would then comment every time he thought my shirts were too low and it was a very uncomfortable time, confusing for me and i eventually became scared of criticism, and started wearing only higher tops. but at the same time, there were many other areas he was telling me i wasn’t doing it good enough. other parts of dressing, and other things. i would argue that it was fine, and it was allowed. i told him how all my friends who are religious and clergy like us dress like me, and its not a problem. i was aware that there were a couple people i knew who were on a stricter level with dressing, but i didn’t think i needed to do that to be religious. nothing i said made a difference, he would quote scripture at me and just tell me thats how it has to be. i was confused because it didn’t fit with other aspects of our lifestyle, and i just didn’t understand why he thought i wasn’t religious enough, and why he thought i needed to act/dress in these ways, and i really didn’t want to do it, but he was making me feel bad and not good enough. i was also embarrassed to be so strict, and i didn’t like they lifestyle, but after a few years i went along. still, there are always times he criticises. if i tell him not to talk to me like that, he says hes just pointing it out. i used to say i feel like im living with a policeman, nothing i said seemed to help. he would read something new and start telling me i had to do it. i also noticed he never asked me nicely. never sat down and said can we talk about something. he just criticised, even if until that time he hadn’t ever asked me not to do that thing. he criticised different things over the years. 8 years ago he took on a job, also in the clergy but higher level. we had basically been living a very strict lifetsyle. a lot of how he wants to live i think is too strict. i think if i would dress how i want the community would not care, becuase it is still within the range of custom of the community. within our community there is a spectrum of different levels of practice. there is a group on the higher level, a small group, which is where he wants to be. but more than the specifics of how i dress, i dont like how he tells me off and makes comments, its never brought up nicely and never with the idea that i have choices. his perspective is just really overly strict. he has also commented on how often i pray,
This does bring up a very complex question. You are correct that the way he is bringing up clothing is inappropriate and not respectful. It’s a loaded subject, and very few people know how to talk about it, so we will give him a little leeway, but you are absolutely within your rights to tell him not to speak disrespectfully and if he has an issue or any criticism of you at all, he should bring it up in a formal discussion, not just in passing. To combat this problem, you can simply tell him that if he has a criticism of you he needs to make an appointment with you to sit down formally with you and discuss the problem. This keeps him from being able to use controlling behavior to calm down his insecurities at your expense.
You would probably do best in arranging a meeting to discuss the clothing issues with him. However, you would need to not let him treat this as a clothing issue, because that is not the real concern. The real concern is that he has changed his mind about the lifestyle he wants you both to live since you have been married. And you will need to tell him that it’s not fair for a husband to change the lifestyle without consulting his wife. You would need to let him know in a formal sit-down discussion that you believed that the practices you were both going to adhere to were more relaxed than what he is asking of you now. If he has decided to change the level of formality or religious adherence, you need to be consulted, as you are doing now.
Don’t let him frame the issue as you being bad, immoral or not religious enough. Instead ask him what has happened that has made him decide to adhere to a much more strict type of lifestyle. It is possible that he believes that behavior before marriage is different than after marriage, and that he thought you knew that you would be expected to behave differently. He may not have the language to put this out clearly, so you can ask him if that has happened.
It is also possible that someone in the community has said something that made him feel that one or both of you were not showing adherence to the religion. You can ask him this directly as well, and if either of these things are true, you would need to work out whether these changes are acceptable for you. You will have to listen to his side, and he to yours. It’s important to remember that how we present ourselves reflects on our spouse, and we do need to have agreements that we will not embarrass each other. But we are not to impose our insecurities on our partners unless these requests are as a favor and the spouse’s insecurities are directly acknowledged as the reason for the requested change in behavior in public.
So the goal of your sit-down discussion is to understand why the transition to more religious clothing choices is so important to him. The factors involved are did his feelings on the matter change for some reason recently or perhaps over time, and what does he feel is the reason for this change. Did he always feel this way but neglect to tell you until now. Or does he feel that your new standing in the community necessitates a more modest clothing choice, in which case you might try to separate the feeling of being controlled by him with a choice on your part to do him a favor by dressing in a way that makes him more comfortable. This reframing of the subject can take some of the power struggle out of the equation.
It might be best with him to not refer to the pain or stress that his controlling behavior is causing you except for a beginning statement that he needs to only criticize you in a formally arranged sit down discussion to ensure respect. Simply stick with the principles which you can state to him which is that it is not fair for him to impose different standards on you that would change your lifestyle without working it out with you first. You will both have to agree on this change, and that means he will owe you an explanation of why he has changed his view on how you should live your lives.
Hopefully you will come to some resolution once you understand what is behind his change in expectation. But because he seems to be in the habit of criticizing you on the fly, I would suggest you keep the rule of setting formal discussions for any criticism of you. He will probably forget this rule frequently, in which case, just gently remind him of your request, and ask him if he would like to set an appointment to discuss whatever issue it is with you.