Women With Traits of BPD:
How To Let Go of the Good Times
Breaking up with a woman with traits of BPD or borderline personality disorder can be very painful. But one of the toughest aspects of these breakups is the persistent longing to get back that feeling of ultimate fulfillment you may have had at certain points during the relationship. Many men find that they can’t get through a day without being haunted by these memories.
This longing after a BPD breakup can be so strong that it can drive a man to return to a woman who he knows will try to abuse him. And even those men who successfully resist the urge to rekindle the relationship may find their recovery bogged down by these constant reminders of what they once had.
Most relationship breakups are messy and they can also be quite painful. But there are certain very complex dynamics at work in a BPD breakup that can make this experience literally traumatic. These breakups are often described as a complete blindside with no possibility of closure.
Much of the healing for men after a BPD breakup involves understanding the negative aspects of their partner’s behavior. But in order for a man to heal from the longing to get back those good feelings it is very important that he understand the profound effects her positive behavior had on him as well.
In this blog post we are going to address the positive feelings that women with traits of BPD evoke in their partners during the initial idealization phase of the relationship. You are going to learn that the feelings a woman with traits of BPD evokes in a man are actually already in place long before she meets him. We’ll also be examining the very specific method that these women use to trigger men’s deep-seated longings and why these feelings remain in place long after the relationship is over.
But before we begin this process of exploration, let’s take a moment to define our terms. The label of borderline personality disorder is thrown around with a lot of frequency. You may be aware that in order to receive a diagnosis of BPD an individual must meet certain standards. But you may not realize one of those standards is that their behavior patterns must be interfering with their life in a way that makes them dysfunctional.
There are many women who have some personality traits that make them susceptible to the condition of BPD but who for many reasons do not develop the full-blown disorder. Although they may be quite functional in the rest of their life, they may still engage in all of the destructive behaviors associated with the disorder within their romantic relationships.
When we use the term “woman with traits of BPD” we will be including all women who engage in behaviors associated with the disorder in their romantic relationships whether or not they qualify for the diagnosis. For your reference, here is a list of common behaviors that women with traits of BPD may engage in while in a romantic relationship:
List of Negative Behaviors
Because these behaviors are part and parcel of BPD relationships, before we address how to let go of the good times, let’s take a brief moment to look at the underlying mechanics of the behavior of women with traits of BPD in relationships. This big-picture understanding of why your ex behaved as she did can help put the suffering you may be experiencing now into clearer perspective.
Excessive Need For Love And Attention
We all have need for love and attention. It’s part of the human condition. But women with traits of BPD have an exponentially greater need than the average person. Having a strong need for love and attention is not in itself a negative trait. But when combined with certain other personality traits, it can lead to trouble in a romantic relationship.
The trait that causes problems when combined with an excessive need for attention could be labeled as a sensitivity to the negative judgment of others. Just like excessive need for love and attention, this trait on its own is not particularly negative. People with great sensitivity to negative judgment often make good peace-makers or mediators. They can make wonderful parents, and they may excel in any of the healing or caring professions.
But the combination of excessive need for love and attention and an equally excessive fear of negative judgment can lead to opposing forces that create a tremendous challenge for these women to overcome. The most challenging area that a person this sensitive will encounter is in their romantic relationships.
For most people, a romantic relationship is a true test of whether they can risk showing their most vulnerable side to another human being. When we expose our inner vulnerabilities to a loved one we risk the negative judgment from someone we care about, which can be very painful. Most people find they can overcome this obstacle. But for women with traits of BPD, the excessive need to get love and attention combined with an excessive need to protect themselves from negative judgment may put them in what feels like an impossible situation.
Instead of rising to the challenge, many women with traits of BPD, driven by these two opposing needs will figure out a workaround. This workaround is very destructive, both to the relationship partner and to the relationship itself. But it gives them what they need, which is a way to get very close to a romantic partner so they can get their excessive needs taken care of and then allows them to quickly back out of the intimacy in order to escape the consequence of the negative judgment they are so afraid will follow.
In order to understand just how destructive this two-step workaround really is, we need to isolate this dynamic so we can examine exactly how it works.
BPD Push/Pull
Relationships for women with traits of BPD usually begin with an excessive longing for love and attention that drives her to find a willing romantic partner. But in order to get her needs met risk-free, she will perform a few mental gymnastics. She will block out from her awareness all of the negative or potentially threatening aspects of his personality. But because she must accomplish getting her needs met very quickly before her fear catches up with her, she will take one further step to ensure that she can get as much love and as attention as she can as soon as possible.
She will now block out her own negative and potentially threatening qualities, only showing him her very best side. This move ensures that her partner will buy into the idealized dream relationship, one where neither partner could ever hurt the other one. At this point both partners are in a shared delusion of ultimate safety.
This feeling of safety allows the woman with traits of BPD to maneuver her partner into a mindset from which he is willing to give her the excessive amounts of love and attention she needs. And for a while this method of imagining her love interest to be a human being without flaws who could never hurt her works to ward off her fear of negative judgment.
But her suspicious nature eventually catches up with her. When her fear kicks in, two things will happen. Her image of him as a flawless individual will evaporate. She will realize he is capable of hurting her. The second thing that will happen is she will also drop the illusion of herself as his perfect woman. She will be aware of not only his potentially threatening faults but of her own flaws which now leave her wide open to scrutiny and negative judgment.
To protect herself from the negative judgment she will then deploy a second coping strategy. In order to move him away as quickly as she drew him in, she will block out all of his good qualities in the same way she previously blocked out his bad qualities.
This will serve to transform her partner into what she sees as a malevolent personality, someone who is out to hurt her. Seeing him as all bad will give her immediate justification to close down every vulnerable part that she opened to him when she was fulfilling her need for love and attention. But some women find that it’s not enough to just close down.
Because a man who believes he has found the love of his life is not likely to understand her suddenly reversed perception of him, he may ignore her attempt to push him away and attempt to get close again. At this point the woman with traits of BPD may begin to use stronger tactics to keep him at a safe distance. She may use degrading or emasculating language, she may ridicule or try to humiliate him, or she may use episodes of rage to keep herself safe.
This pulling very close followed by pushing a relationship partner away is the classic defense mechanism or coping strategy that defines BPD behavior in a romantic relationship. And it is during the destructive devaluation phase that most men leave women with traits of BPD if the woman hasn’t already left him in an attempt to regain her emotional safety.
But the second phase is not the one that causes so much pain after one of these breakups. It is the first phase that locks him in so tightly that even the most abusive treatment cannot convince him to make a final break from her. So just how is it that women with traits of BPD are so easily able to evoke such powerful feelings in their relationship partners? The answer to this question unlocks some of the mystery surrounding the woman with traits of BPD’s siren-like power over men.
BPD and Male Self-Esteem
Women with traits of BPD have the ability to elicit or evoke very powerful feelings in their relationship partners. But this effect is not mysterious nor is it magical, although it certainly may feel that way at the time. We’re now going to take a look at how the reflection of a man’s best qualities seen through the eyes of the woman he loves can cause him to throw caution to the wind and take down all of his barriers leaving him in an extremely vulnerable state.
In order to understand how she accomplishes her goal of getting a man to completely devote himself to her, we will need to address one more aspect of BPD idealization. Once a woman with traits of BPD has blocked out a man’s negative character attributes, she often begins a process of mining for hidden positive qualities in him.
These are positive qualities that all people possess. Although we are all capable of embodying these qualities, our fear and negative past experiences often cause us to keep them under wraps. But when someone recognizes our best hidden qualities it can make us feel like a million dollars.
We all have egos, and when we see ourselves reflected in another’s eyes as braver, stronger, more powerful or more loving, considerate or kind, we cannot help but bathe in that adoration. Seeing our best self reflected in the eyes of a loved one can soothe all of our fears and inhibitions and can heal our childhood wounds. By reflecting these hidden qualities a woman with traits of BPD can lift a man’s self-esteem to new highs.
Here is a list of some of the positive character attributes that women with traits of BPD may evoke in their partners during the initial idealization phase of their relationship.
Positive Male Character Attributes
Enhanced feelings of altruism towards their partner.
Enhanced empathy and understanding for their partner.
Enhanced benefit of the doubt when it comes to their partner.
Enhanced feelings of trust of their partner.
Enhanced sense of responsibility within their relationship.
Enhanced maturity in their relationship.
Enhanced desire for stability or long-term commitment.
Enhanced desire to provide for their partner.
Enhanced desire to protect their partner.
When we closely examine this list we find that all of these qualities of character are ones that boost or heighten self-esteem, particularly in men. We all know low-self esteem can have a very destructive influence on interpersonal relationships. Similarly we can easily observe that high self-esteem has a very positive influence.
The ability to focus on a person’s best qualities is a wonderful gift if used for the benefit of another person. Many teachers, therapists, and healers of all kinds use this gift to enhance self-esteem and help others overcome their fears so they can be their better selves.
But the woman with traits of BPD is not using her gifts to enhance the self esteem of her partner. She is using it in order to create a temporarily safe environment to satisfy her excessive needs before her fears come in to ruin the party.
Her intentions, however, are not malevolent. This behavior pattern, as well as all other negative behaviors associated with BPD works on an unconscious level. She will not be aware that she is blocking out his true nature as well as her own. She will believe fully in her version of reality. She will feel just as he does, as though she is falling in love with the partner of her dreams.
Let’s now take a look at exactly how these women seem to know the exact right thing to say to make a man feel safer than he ever has in a relationship and more loved, accepted and approved of than he ever has, perhaps in his entire life.
The answer to this question lies in the understanding of an additional personality trait commonly found in the cluster associated with BPD. The additional trait that helps women with BPD to identify both a man’s deepest dreams and his worst nightmare is a unique sensitivity to what others are feeling. This is a trait that we usually label as the ability to empathize.
BPD and the Power of Empathy
Women are generally very good at sensing the feelings of others. But women with traits of BPD take being empathetic to a new level. These women may be able to intuitively and instinctually know what others are feeling even when those people themselves don’t know. They may pay attention to body language sometimes more closely than they do the spoken word. And their aptitude for reading emotions may give them the ability to easily identify their partner’s wants, needs and desires on a minute-by-minute basis.
Although a woman with traits of BPD will not be consciously aware of it, in the initial idealization phase she will be using this sixth sense continually to assess her partner’s responses to her. It is this built-in feedback system that allows her to reflect not only his idealized version of her but also his idealized version of himself.
Women with traits of BPD use their ability to read body language to exploit men’s desires in many ways. They may use it to supply him with the best sex he ever had. And there are men who become so addicted that they will find themselves helpless to resist another round in what they know is an unhealthy relationship. There are also men who once they break up with a woman with traits of BPD find they can no longer go back to a normal sex life.
Having a man’s deepest desires for both sex and love fulfilled is a very powerful experience. Most men don’t question how or why their girlfriend is able to fulfill them. He will simply thank his lucky stars for winning what to him will feel like the relationship lottery.
It is only when the relationship breaks down and finally ends that he may begin to question the motivations of his ex. But despite his eventual realization that this woman was exploiting his emotions in order to meet excessive needs, he may still be unable keep from longing to get those good feelings back.
It is natural for human beings to link or associate feelings from the past with events in the present. But it is very difficult for us distinguish between the two. Our brains are not wired to make the connection between the original event and the present incident that triggers that memory.
So it is natural for a man to assume that his ex is the only one who could fulfill those longings and that if only he were back with her she could give him the feelings again. But for most men, the feelings that this woman evoked for love and acceptance were actually in place long before he met her.
The truth is we all carry a deep longing for love and acceptance that for most of us starts in early childhood. When we are very, very young we don’t see our parents or caretakers are human beings with flaws. When we aren’t loved the way we should be, we don’t recognize that our parent had a bad day or that they were distracted, much less the complex reasons for real neglect or abuse some children are subjected to.
Because no parent can be perfect, even children of very happy homes are going to emerge from childhood with a certain amount of psychological injuries, minor as they may be, in the area of love, acceptance and approval. These minor childhood injuries usually lie dormant throughout our lives rarely causing us pain. But when they are triggered, either in the idealization or devaluation phase of one of these relationships, they rise to the surface and until resolved may feel as painful as a truly traumatic childhood wound.
Although you may have had a history of sound mental health before you entered your relationship with a woman with traits of BPD, most men by the time their relationship ends are overwhelmed by the amount of painful childhood feelings that have been lit up or triggered by the behavior of their ex.
Because we lack the wiring to easily follow our own trauma or psychological injury back to the original source so we can apply the appropriate attention that heals the wound, we often need help. This help usually takes the form of an experienced therapist who can guide us back to the time of the original injury so we can heal ourselves.
Many men find that their decision to seek therapy to speed along their recovery had a benefit that went far beyond healing from a past relationship. Although nothing can make up for the devastation a man might experience after a breakup with a woman with traits of BPD, using this downtime to address these important childhood issues can be a way to both shorten the time it takes to recover and to come out the other side in better shape than you were before this unfortunate experience.
Related Posts:
BPD and the Nice Guy Personality Type
Women With Traits of BPD – Why Did She Lie?
Did Your Ex-Girlfriend Have Traits Of Borderline Personality Disorder?
Identifying Traits of BPD In Women Before Relationship Commitment
Romantic Idealization And Devaluation In Women With Traits of BPD
Women With Traits of BPD – Why Men Stay
Note To Readers: I’d like to take a moment to thank all of you who have taken the time to post in my comments section. Your questions, opinions and personal stories form an invaluable contribution to this important discussion.
If you would like to learn the Nicola Method so you can put an end to the high conflict situations you may be experiencing, click on this link to the welcome page of this website where you will find the resources you need.
If you want to try out some of the basic techniques of this method for free to see if this method is right for your situation, you can learn them from an intro guide flip-book here or a PDF version of the intro guide here.
It’s fascinating to see and comprehend how we can get in so much trouble while looking for what should be the best that life has to offer!!
And even if there are no culprates it nonetheless is an inferno of pain and trauma for all.
Thank you Joanna for this insight in to our selves.
Raymond The Light Keeper
Raymond, I couldn’t have said it any better!
This was an amazing article but it’s not really just got men. I’m a woman with a bpd man and I’ve never read anything that described it so well. Thank you so much for this. It’s an amazing article. Really thought provoking and needed for me
Evie, thanks for the feedback. I’m glad to hear that some of my writing can be applied equally to male BPD.
Many thanks, I appreciate it!
That article was simply fantastic.
I’m 7 weeks split from a woman I suspect has BPD. I was reading this article and lighbulbs were being switched on everywhere.
Thank You.
Thanks for such positive feedback.
Thanks for all these articles
You’re very welcome. I hope they’ve been helpful.
You are amazing. I’ve read all your blogs.
One thing I haven’t read yet about the recovery process (sorry if I missed it)…
Is seeing them around/ continuing to talk to them from time to time harmful to ourselves? Should we do no contact to help the healing? Any advice on how I can go back to “feeling like myself” or at least head in that direction?
Phil, thanks for the positive feedback. The road to recovery from this kind of breakup is very difficult. It can be compared to the grieving process where seeing or hearing from the person may set you back on getting over the pain of loss. Just like grieving the loss of a loved one, being in a group like situation where you can talk about your feelings freely with others who have been through it can help. Some people choose to become active in social groups and activities to occupy their mind. Because these relationships light up so many childhood issues, therapy can be the fastest and most productive way to heal.
Joanna,
Firstly I wanted to thank you for all of these wonderful articles. I was glued to my screen last night reading one after the other. I must admit that this time I was one of the lucky ones. I was in a relationship with a person that displayed Histrionic Personality traits. Luckily I got BPD “light”. The person was so good at masking their true self, the abusive part only came out when they were called out and the relationship ended. Reading your articles has made me appreciative of the fact that it ended before the big abuse began.
I also realized that 3 out of the last 5 people I dated probably had BPD. I guess it’s the fate of the “nice guy”.
Niel, yes, you are lucky that you found your way out. I think so many nice-guy types would be spared these painful relationships if more education was available about the BPD behavior pattern in general. For someone who can easily trust and love it can be very hard to accept that there are so many people out there struggling with severe attachment issues.
Could I ask a question Joanna? I knew my BPD ex as a friend for a couple of years before we dated and she seemed fairly normal even though she did not have a very good reputation due to serial relationships and was also described as being “weird”. It seems the nice woman she is during the evaluation stage is the same pleasant woman she is while out in public – from talking to previous partners of hers it appears she just gets to become the crazy girl while in relationships. My question is, is the real woman the nice woman she can be or is the real woman the crazy angry girl? I obviously fell in love with the beautiful pleasant woman and despite what all my friends say, and for that matter all the websites, if that is the real her surely she is worth fighting for.
Thanks for great blogs – yours are the most helpful I have found to help me get over her.
Colin, your ex was neither of the versions you experienced. She is the same mixture of good and bad that most people are. If you met her after she had gone through years of treatment for emotional dysregulation you probably would not have fallen madly in love with her. Most men don’t realize that what made them fall so hard was not the woman’s actual qualities, but how she made him feel. The same is true for women with traits of BPD. They also mistakenly assume that their partners have wonderful qualities based solely on the way the men make them feel. When their insecurity catches up with them and their partner’s presence makes them feel pain instead of pleasure, they turn around and decide that it must be the partner’s bad qualities that is causing them so much pain.
Women with traits of BPD also have a very difficult time knowing who they are. However, they are extraordinarily skilled at reading body language. And because they fear rejection they will often make themselves feel more secure by adapting their identity to match the expectations of whoever they are with. So not even your ex knows who she really is. In fact, you might have fallen in love with a mirror version she portrayed that matches your idea of a perfect woman.
first off, very thankful for your blog, your insight, it is good and sad to know many nice guys run into these bpd women. Yesterday was the last i heard from her, it was push pull mind numbing soul sucking.. great at first the idealization, thankfully we moved in together right away that it only took about 3 months to see her true self..she left my house about 10 times during that time along with her 10 year old son, sometimes she would tell him to pack at 10 pm, 1am whatever (poor child) and just when i thought i’d never hear from her she would reach out again and again. yesterday she destroyed my character short of telling me she hates me,and blaming me for everything, told me she was going to go find a real daddy for her son. i’m now resolute to move on and run as far as i can, the whole time i was walking on eggshells
Useful series of articles for me to gain perspective on the traumatic and confusing year spent with someone with these behaviours. Nine months on I’m still struggling to understand what happened and why I allowed it to happen. I felt destroyed, like I’d lost myself, completely emotionally exhausted. All the traits were there with this highly intelligent senior doctor, functioning bpd. To understand all is to forgive all, I guess.
Yesterday when I had sent my girlfriend an email for the 5th time that if she was so unhappy with me and she doesn’t see me a perfect match anymore she should stop bothering me. She wanted to come over and talk (again) but I said I preferred she would think things through. Her response was telling me she then would have a date with a guy who is after her then. I collapse from pain and since it’s a Saturday I decide to drink a few to ease the pain. Two hours later she shows up at my door with a smile as if i should be happy she is here and did not go on the date. Doesn’t apologise for her previous treat to date someone else but wants to talk. I refuse kindly since her comment made me take a few drinks and tell her to talk tomorrow and ask her to leave. She refuses. After asking her 5 times I grab her by the arm and take her to my door. She pins me down by my throat with nails against my wall with rage in her eyes. Doesn’t she understand I am hurt by her previous threat. After she apologises and wants a hug and says with a laugh “I just don’t want fights anymore” I am flabbercasted
Two weeks ago she made a romantic suggestion to enjoy the last days of summer together on Mon, Tue, Wed, and Thu evening. I said it was a great idea, just Monday I had plans. On Tuesday afternoon she texts me what time I would like to meet up. I reply with 7.30pm a 8pm ish. She replies that in that case she will make other plans for the evening, the following Wednesday and Thursday aswell. My ‘lifestyle’ and hours are selfish and it was her mistake to give it another try. I am blown away. On friday she texts me if I can help her with a heavy laundymachine. Confused and stupid I say yes and help her. Once the thing is in place she wants to hug and we watch a movie together kiss etc…. the next day she breaks up and never wants to see me again cause I decided to browse a little online when she is off to bed at 10 pm and I stay up late saying this lifestyle and hours I decide to do “my thing” doesnt meet her needs. This feeling persists after I go to bed with her and hold her till she falls a sleep for half an hour and then have some laptop time. Even then I am ‘evil’ and ‘not appreciating’
These are samples of the last two weeks of my relationship. We have been together 3 years but in the last year and a half she broke up with me more then 50 times and consist only of similar episodes.
Your blog has given me a unique insight. I do recognise a lot you write going on in my relationship. Since she is highly educated and functions well in all area’s besides the relationship I don’t believe she had BPD but some traits. (I hope it’s no more than that).
I do love her a lot and see sincerely her emotions are real, and her pain that I have no idea where it comes from is, real. She is beautiful, smart and very kind and I am really sad to read that I kind of have to let her go. But will have to try.
Do these traits fade a bit over time? She is mid 20’s, will it get easier for her being so extremely highly sensitive ?
Thank you for the eyeopener.
Tio, it does sound as though your girlfriend has traits of BPD but would not qualify for the diagnosis. But even BPD traits aside, it’s easy to see that this woman is only thinking about herself and her needs, and is not concerned about yours. That is itself a good reason to leave the relationship. She could get better with therapy, but only if she is aware of her problem with insecurity, is able to admit to it to another person and is interested in seeking help for it. Right now she cannot tell the difference between bad feelings caused by her insecurity and bad feelings caused by your actions.
These traits do not fade over time. They are permanent. What you are struggling with are her defense mechanisms which help her cope with the traits. Defense mechanisms increase and become intractable over time. In staying with this woman you will be putting your psychological health at increasing risk as time goes by.
I can’t believe I’m reading such an accurate description of my ex. I’ve been breaking my heart over her for five years. I first had a relationship with her in 2011 and after nine months it went bad with some dreadful ramifications for me at work. (I worked with her. She left and on leaving submitted a complaint about me which was untrue, and eventually after a lengthy investigation was proved to be untrue).
Anyway in 2014 after several years of trying to understand what went wrong I contacted her and we immediately got back together. I forgave everything in a heartbeat to have her back, ignoring all the nagging doubts in my mind. We were together for 18 months. The first six months were wonderful. The last 12 months were punctuated with episodes of silence when she got up set at the smallest thing and threats that she would throw me and my children out (we lived in her house) which caused me a great deal of anxiety.
She would get upset and refuse to talk, she would, in the process remove all closeness between us and sex. I would get anxious and try desperately to apologise and win back this affection. This used to make her more upset and push me away further. She hit and scratched me in more than one occasion. In the end she told me in July that it was over but the said she couldn’t talk about it. A week passed, we agreed to talk. I asked if there was still a chance for our relationship. She was furious and reinforced that she no longer wanted to be with me or even be my friend. I left for the weekend and I made plans to move out. We agreed I would return and not move out immediately. It was increasingly stressful living with someone who I thought didn’t want me there and dint want to be my friend. She kept reiterating that we were not together anymore and after an minor argument one morning she texted me saying “you are not welcome here anymore”. I couldn’t get any sense out of her all day, didn’t know if she was collecting the kids from school or not. She was complaining I was harassing her with texts and emails, I just needed to know there was a plan for the kids and whether we needed to leave that day.
In the end I took matters into my own hands and fled to a friend’s house and finally got my own place a few days later. She was so angry I did that. She confiscated my key as I was leaving which meant she had all my possessions and I had no access to my savings. She called my doctors saying I was having a breakdown.
After a day or so she then called me saying that she didn’t want me to leave, I was being an idiot and that I must come home. She said she had said nasty things but had reassured me (she hadn’t) that she would never leave me and me leaving like this without discussing it with her was abandoning her, destroying trust between us and showing I just leave when things get hard. I couldn’t believe it. She totally denied everything that happened and all I experienced in the previous fortnight and suddenly it all became my fault the relationship I thought she had ended already was now going to be over if I left and didn’t come home.
I did leave. I couldn’t cope anymore. I tried to contact her for my things and she contacted the police saying I was harassing her. Fortunately the officer who dealt with it was very well trained and explained that she could see no evidence for that and I probably just wanted my things back! She also contacted my friends and my parents explaining I was having a breakdown, that I shouldn’t drink too much because it makes me angry and that I was on antidepressants. All this was apparently out of concern but I think it was to embarrass me and make people who’ve known me for a long time question my state of mind.
So anyway I left and I was incredibly relieved for a number of weeks. Now 4 months on I am devastated and I miss her desperately – just like before and just like you say Is typical in your article. I thought I was the one with MH problems until I read this. Would you believe, she gave me an amateur diagnosis of BPD and a “narcissistic defence mechanism”. I know I’m not a narcissist because I’ve asked myself the question whether I am one and that means I can’t be one! I wondered if I had BPD or some sort of condition though and now I think it was her all along!
Thank you. It’s also interesting to read about others experiences and know that I’m not alone.
Andrew, I’m so sorry to hear what you have been through. As extreme as her behavior was, this is sadly only one of many similar stories. Hopefully your healing will begin with the realization that her destructive behavior had nothing to do with you.
Hi Joanna,
Here’s a summary of what I put on Quora…
… My experience came in the form of a 2.5 year relationship with a Borderline P.D./Covert Narc/Histronic hybrid woman… who was very much like the Scarlett O’Hara character in “Gone with the Wind”.
Quick Answer: The initial phase called Idealization/Overvaluation was like being in a Hollywood Move… the best adventures/sex/romance/intensity/chemistry I ever had… I felt more connected and complete than I ever thought possible… she mirrored me so well and performed all the con-artist tricks I’ve since learned about so well like Attribute mining… and I know in her own weird way she loved me too… as I was her first real long term relationship though she was 34 when I met her… First Red Flag!
Until the Devaluation Stage took hold… then it was up and down and up and down with her increasingly trying to hold it together, loving me one minute and hating me the next! And I naively endured her constant Devaluations, Rejection, Pathological lying, Gaslighting, Projection, occasional (that I know of) cheating, and worst of all was her “Splitting” where I’m not kidding but her lovely green eyes would “flicker” and something else would take over… something really malevolent.
In fairness she did try her best to change but refused outright to accept she had a Psychological/Personality disorder… She even stopped going out to try to save the relationship as she would often run off if she was drinking desperate for male attention…but in the end she let me down one time too many (in our own home) and I just had to leave… but 2.5 years later I’m still in love with her though I’ve gone “No Contact” for about a year now… and I’m awfully afraid that a normal relationship won’t ever be able to compare to the kind of fake True-Love Trauma-Bond that develops with a Borderline…
Summary: The red flags of these of people are there from the very beginning and were there on our very first date! Pay attention and get out before you’re (Love-bombed) hooked as as no matter how hard you try they are on a path to self destruction… and they don’t change as far as I’ve been able to tell… as their behavior is a Pathology!
If you leave it too late you’ll end up being processed through the Devalue/Discard/Replace/Hoover stages, and believe me you’ll be far more shell shocked when you find out how quickly you’ve been replaced and how they’ll use their new partner to torture you unless you’ve the sense to go full “No Contact” and block them immediately! (No Half Measures here!)
By the end of the Narcissist Abuse Cycle you’ll end up only a shell of your former self… and the jury’s out as to how many of us actually truly recover. I have Male friends who never went back into relationships after Narc/Borderline experiences, even 10 years later!
As for me my last text was the “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn” line from Gone with the Wind… I told her I’d exhausted myself in every way possible trying to help her and love her and that it was now up to herself to find her own healing for her BPD and Covert Narcissism, but sadly only about 1% of them actually do!
January 2017:
My problem is I cant live with, and I can’t live without her… so I’m going round in circles… though your insightful article at least shows me why I can’t let go and move on as I’ve been able to do with past relationships…
Here’s hoping for a better 2017! 🙂
Adrian, thanks for sharing your story from Quora.
Hi Joanna
Great articles. They have helped me gain a better understanding of BPD. I am a family man and recently had a close friendship with a female colleague who I believe has traits of BPD. I actually went through two idealisation and devaluation cycles with her. She was well aware of my married status yet it did feel at times that the friendship was bordering on an emotional affair. The push/pull dynamics would temper those feelings though and certainly left me with a sense of confusion.
Both times, devaluation came out of nowhere and was essentially silent treatment. The second devaluation was only recent and rather strange where she did actually say she was having problems but had nothing to do with me. She however then went onto to employ direct projection on me through passive aggressive behaviour as well has unfriending me on FB. This was all rather confusing.
I am hoping you might be able to shed some light on a couple of things for me:
1) How close is close typically before the traits of BPD are revealed? We had a close friendship but not a full blown relationship. Currently, she seems to be interacting with other colleagues quite normally but we are not talking.
2) Why would a woman with abandonment issues even contemplate having any sort of emotional attachment with married man where the risk of abandonment is probably higher?
As it is, I’ve decided NC as much as possible is the way to go. My priorities have to be with my family. I’m just trying to get some closure for myself as I don’t think I’m going to get any closure from her.
Thanks
John, there are many people who have experienced behaviors associated with BPD in a platonic context, so thanks for sharing this useful story. There is no way to really tell what triggers abandonment issues in women with traits of BPD. Idealization can be triggered from sexual attraction, a person having a powerful demeanor or someone who just seems nice. It really varies. Most women report that the idealization happens very soon and is what prompts them to take the initial connection to the next level.
In answer to your question, these individuals act on urges, not on the idea of consequences. For them any relationship can lead to abandonment, regardless of how available the person is. The phases of idealization and devaluation are separate and cannot both be felt at once. In other words, they experience no fear in idealization stage and no safety in devaluation stage. I’m so glad to hear you are putting family first by limiting contact.
Joanna, thanks for your feedback.
“The phases of idealization and devaluation are separate and cannot both be felt at once. In other words, they experience no fear in idealization stage and no safety in devaluation stage.”
The statement above is almost like a light bulb to better understanding what happened with my friendship. I have been trying to process the irrationality of the friendship by considering the idealisation and devaluation phases as one continous experience. I couldn’t make sense of it.
However if a person with traits of BPD treats them separately, I can understand how all the good things that happened during the idealisation phase, the numberous things I helped and supported her with have come to nothing during the devaluation phase – as irrational as it may be.
Thanks again.
Hi Joanna, I wish I had found your articles much sooner. My questions is, and forgive me if you have answered it elsewhere, should one stay and try and make a relationship work with someone with traits of BPD using the insightful knowledge and techniques you describe? or is this just codependency on steroids and probably bound to fail when there is a human slip from perfect concentration? I have a 2.5yo son with my very beautiful (bpd? ex?) partner , she became pregnant after i had known her 6 weeks. Whilst i said it was too soon i didn’t put my foot down. It is a heart tearing situation. i love my son . it is very hard to know the right thing to do. Thanks in advance
John, this is of course a very difficult situation. I do recommend to partners with young children to at least try the method, using my workbook from my website. It’s important to be consistent, but those inconsistencies do not set things back. It’s a very slow process and a thankless one, but it can be done. I would not recommend trying to rehabilitate her if she is engaging in physical violence or in cheating. But with those caveats in mind, even for a somewhat codependent person, learning techniques that protect you from emotional abuse or attacks on your self-esteem can be healing whether you decide to stay in the relationship or not.
Ronald, here is your comment in a more anonymous form:
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Joanna it is like you have been following me around for a long time taking notes. Unlike many of the rest of the guys I am married to what my therapist diagnosed as BPD. In my case I have played into this hand by running back to an old girlfriend shortly after we were engaged. I did so because it was only after the engagement that the comments turned ugly. She said she forgave me and we got married a year after getting back together. Things seems to be fine until her adult son moved in with us. No job,education, drivers license and did no chores and it was totally against our agreement for him staying with us. I objected and the name calling and no sex began. The insults were terrible and hurt me badly all with no proof and no apology. After three years I had an emotional affair ( I have never broken my vows). while reading your articles I realized that with women of BPD it really is the thought that counts more so than actual events, which seems really weird. I never understood why the relationship continued to deteriorate when I was doing everything possible to try and fix things. The emotional affair was with a woman I work with who lives a mile down the road. and my punishment was to sell my house and quit my job. I am in a very specific field for which each state only has several dozen in my profession so that is nearly impossible. Six months ago she moved out and bought a house. Things seemed to be fine but we played the push me away pull me back in game. It has now been a year without intercourse and after the fifth split up I couldn’t take it anymore. The last episode was she had a doctors appointment at 10:30 am. I said I would pick her up at 10am. I work nights so the day before I got everything ready so I could pay full attention to her. The day of the appointment I got up at 6am after going to bed at 1am, walked the dog and then hit the pool to get in a swim. While I was in the pool the doctor called and changed the appointment to 10am. She tried calling but when she could not reach me assumed I was off with someone. When I got her message at 8:45 she told me to forget it and not to come over. I rushed over anyway and was at her house by 9:20, plenty of time in this town to get her to the appointment. She freaked and said leave me keys she never wanted to see me anymore. That was a Friday and on Sunday she came to my house while I was at church and dropped off my keys. We didn’t talk for a week except for a few texts, one of which she told me she loved me. Again no apology and I must say all of this hurt badly. I have lost most of my friends over her but see my workout buddies at the gym. I wanted to go bicycle riding with them but they were busy so I went with a group from work, which included the girl I had the emotional affair with. This was a week after she asked me for my keys and told me she didn’t want to see me anymore. My wife was monitoring my work email and found out and now she wants the divorce and we haven’t spoken in three weeks. Needless to say I am one of those guys having trouble letting go. You articles have been very informative and have given me comfort. My wife is 51 does going through the change of life exacerbate this condition? My therapist of two and a half years said I should file for divorce immediately and run.
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Here is my response: I’m so glad to hear you have a therapist, and they certainly seem to be on your side and concerned with your health. Their advice sounds solid. You deserve to have a relationship with someone who is capable of having intimacy. Yes, the fluctuation of hormones is directly connected to this condition, but the condition will be there no matter where the hormones are. These relationships are very damaging to partners, and your best bet is to take this opportunity and start a new life for yourself.
Thank you for these articles Nicola, though it’s become apparent I must comment on behalf of so many women in relationships with women with bpd that these gender specific comments are very, very difficult to read through with ease. I am not a man. I am a woman but share many if not all these qualities you label with men. While men may have some specific needs and scenarios to be specified, they are few and far in between if these articles are any indication. However, the constant barrage of seeing someone who speaks so clearly to me, but seems to not know that women also engage in relationships with women, that women can be in relationships with men with bpd, alienates and keeps us unacknowledged, unheard and without a voice of reason in the fog. It’d be all too easy to write person, or they/their in nearly this entire article in reference to men. For the section unique to men, specify… But pound for pound, as a psychologist, I’m sure you’ve enough knowledge on gender as a spectrum to know such heteronormative dialog will leave thousands of women unspoken for, who find themselves not only marginalized from society, sometimes family, but even people like you who could truly help them. It wouldn’t take much to recognize so many in such few words… Thank you so much for this. Perhaps one day I’ll be able to love again like I loved her…I can only hope.
Zoe, I am not a psychologist. I teach people how to minimize the conflict in their life not through psychology but through understanding simple human neurology. I apologize for any misunderstandings due to this incorrect assumption.
So, I’m a female with BPD and maintaining it. It causes problems, but myself and partner understand it for what it is and can handle it.
This article gives me the impression that BPD women can never truly love someone deep inside? I’ve seen how I have brutally destroyed my partner before I had control over it, and can honestly say it’s not even a part of what truly makes me but rather something I battle throughout life.
This suggests that my whole relationship is a form of manipulation?
Not meaning to be rude, this is the first time I’ve read it.
Anon, those with strong traits of BPD have personality traits that make them too sensitive and too highly emotional to handle the kind of humiliation that we all must learn to risk in romantic relationships. Until they learn how to regulate their emotions, their defenses are free to take over and manipulate them into believing their partners deserve to be severely punished. Since punishing a loved one is the opposite of loving them, we might say that they are capable of loving, but their defenses tend to destroy that love and they end up damaging their partners instead.
You say that you brutally destroyed your partner as if you imagine that this form of destruction is magically self-healing and couples can simply start over fresh after psychological injury is inflicted. People without strong traits of BPD function very differently from what you may experience in your life. When a relationship partner with strong traits of BPD brutally destroys them, which can happen within even a few months with a BPD partner, they usually need years of healing, often with intensive therapy, in order to recover.
If your partner was brutally destroyed in the earlier part of your relationship and does not recognize the need for intensive healing, they may have early family issues of their own that do not allow them to recognize their injury, or they may have an unusual personality type that protects them from the kind of emotional injury most people sustain when they are abused by a domestic partner.
To answer the question of whether your relationship is a form of manipulation, it’s really on a spectrum. Many, many women engage in idealization and devaluation in their romantic life. So in a sense we could say that their relationships are manipulations since they tend to be more in love with “love” than they are with their actual partners. Having the high setting of female emotionality in itself causes more manipulation than a lower typical male setting. So we might say that the closer to BPD you are on the spectrum, the more likely your relationship is based on manipulation.
But we all have challenges based on our personality traits. Those with BPD have to work much, much harder than the average person not to manipulate in their relationships, but those with low emotionality also have challenges. We all do. Very few of us are healthy “out of the box.” Those who have committed themselves to long-term recovery with treatment for BPD will lose their diagnosis. They will become capable of sustained loving and they won’t be damaging to their partners.
I have been out of a BPD 5 year relationship for over 6 months. The symptoms of the breakup did not hit me until 3-1/2 months later – and after I met someone new who was “normal” in comparison. This person showed early signs and red flags from the first date – but, she was attractive and vulnerable (so it seemed) and I fell for the entire package even though my brain was telling me to run far and fast. Mine was a high functioning one with a job – had 2 kids from a divorce marriage and was able to function. The signs were:
* Early love bombing and social media blitzing
* Early mention of how she was on medication and was broken and damaged
* Low self esteem to the point of insulting herself to me and on social media (questioning how she could look so good in a photo I had posted)
* Stalked my ex-wife and previous girlfriend on social media and ran away from her when we once bumped into her – then blamed me for the incident
* No filter, loose boundaries – not just with me, but with my family
* Jealousy rages – about imagined affairs, trips with my friends, and even my children when they came before her
* Frequent discussions on marriage and moving in together and then starting discussions why we should not after I had previously said we should not get married
* Extremely over-protective of kids and at same time bad mouthing ex-husband and even taking him back to court years after divorce for a small issue
Towards end, insults came more frequently, she would be late or not be ready when she told me to come over. Then would blame me for being the one in the wrong when I complained about her rudeness and disrespect. She basically was picking fights to get me to break up.
Lesson – when a girl tells you she has issues and if she brings up graphic sex talk on the first date and defends it after you question her – stay away – you will be kicking yourself 1, 2 or 5 years later.
Milt, thanks for this solid advice.
Thanks for this article, it made me understand too many reactions and behaviours of my ex of 2 years relationship, we broke up 6 weeks ago, I m reading this article everytime i feel I missing here or when old memories start missing with my head.
Thank you so much
Imad, I am so glad my blog was helpful for you.
Hi Joanna – wow. I am duly impressed with how well versed you are and how easily and readily you are able to objectively articulate the seeming pros and rather obvious cons of being in a relationship with a woman who demonstrates the qualities and behaviors of a BPD-like diagnosis. I had been concentrating my research on Narcissism, but after reading some of your articles and blogs, I think BPD is more fitting. What I find most disturbing is how irrational the patterns and the push pull dynamic are, and my attraction to same. You are right, in that it has taken a lot of practice, time and effort to get to a place where I am no longer willing or able to pick up the rope or engage. Too long, frankly. Regardless, you do an amazing job of explaining the dynamic and the insanity. Too, you have helped to reinforce my resolve to stay clear of all past, present and future potential BPD partners, so thank you for that. Lastly, there is part of me that wants to cut and paste some of your insights to my best, most recent BPD teacher, but we both know that will be a waste of time and energy. Thanks, again. You rock. Andrew
Andrew, It’s great to hear my blog has been helpful for you. I appreciate your kind words.
Hi Joanna,
First of all great articles. Thank you so much. My story nearly drove me to a suicide and reading these articles is helping me so much.
I have a question regarding BPD and cheating. You singled out above on one of the comments that one should not attempt a reconciliation with a BPD if they cheated, even if they know the new information on BPD.
Any specific reason(besides the obvious)? I guess i am looking for an answer from a neurological point or just how it all ties to something?? Why did you specifically single that out – “I would not recommend trying to rehabilitate her if she is engaging in physical violence or in cheating.”
My BPD female was engaged, cheated on fiance with me(yes i am a scum but i just fell in love. Once she started the flirtations i couldn’t stop and i don’t know why). Of course the beginning was beautiful and later was a complete disaster and nightmare. She could never leave said fiance for me, nor was she able to let go of me and completely focus on him and their reconciliation. Us 3 probably went thru love triangulation and breakup no less then 7-8 times. Each time she would jump from one person to other. She always talked about not knowing what she wants. She hit nearly every everything when i googled “BPD”. Compulsive behavior, hostility, impulsivity, risk taking behaviors, self-destructive behavior, self-harm, lack of restraint, cheating, always needing to “just be loved”, always fearing I have “one up on her”, fearing abandonment(parents split up due to mom cheating at young age – one time she said she thought she could never forgiver her mom) constant victim even thou all problems usually started because she initiated them. And I could keep listing more things in all honesty.
What amazes me is the end. Me and the ex-bf at that time met up face to face, where all things came on the table and we were able to figure out she’s lying to both of us. She was telling him we weren’t talking anymore and telling me that she was done with him. I also learned from him that she cheated on her previous BF with “him” before they started a relationship.
To close it out, shortly after me and him met up we again got into a fight. Took a short break but within 3-4 weeks she moved on to a 4th person and didn’t even think she was doing anything wrong because she was single. I was devastated. I just wanted her to let go of her past and no matter how hard i tried she couldn’t do it for me, a person who she claimed she loved, but she could do it for a 4th guy she just MET. Obviously that was the end of the line for me and her.
Finally i work with this person and I’m in LOVE my job so NC is near impossible unless i leave. Its been a nightmare dealing with things but i am in such a a better place now thanks to articles like yours and many others. I keep crashing hard however, I’m missing her immensely so this article really helps. Its insane that a person can abuse you so much and you still want…more of them, in some moments??
Any recommendations on dealing with NC at work place? Also is pathological cheating common with BPD. Would a self-aware BPD person be able to control the urge to cheat and have restraint? And again, why would you single out cheating as an extreme NO-NO in reconciliation if a person is aware of BPD information.
No i am not going to go back to her I’m just purely interested in the answer. She has no clue she has BPD and I’m not about to attempt to tell her, i know it would all just spectacularly blow back in my face.
Thanks for everything and again, great articles, thank you so much.
Sonny, your story is a great example of the way those with severe traits of BPD approach cheating. The reason I don’t recommend staying with a partner with traits of BPD who cheats or engages in physical violence is that, in answer to your later question as well, compulsive cheating and violence are common behavior traits of people with the actual disorder.
The spectrum of BPD runs from common female behavior in relationship that is complained about but accepted as normal for women all the way to those who qualify for the diagnosis (I’m unable to comment on male BPD). All individuals on the spectrum have over-sensitivity to betrayal and abandonment and cannot use objectivity to identify their sensitivity because of a high emotional setting. The behaviors that stem from these sensitivities can be overcome in those on the lighter end of the spectrum. I teach a method that allows partners to get behind the defenses that cause the conflict in these areas.
The reason I mention physical violence and cheating as an indicator is that these two behavior patterns generally signify extreme traits which may be indicative of the actual disorder. When I refer to the disorder I am differentiating between just having traits and qualifying for a diagnosis. Usually those with lighter traits only engage in the behavior patterns associated with the disorder in their romantic lives. Their sensitivities may cause conflict but generally don’t raise to the level of compulsive cheating or violence which are actions which cause grave dysfunction in their lives.
So there’s no real neurological reason I chose those two indicators. They are just a helpful way to distinguish whether the person is too far out on the spectrum for rehabilitation without years of professional treatment. But I will add that I would not recommend any partner to remain in a relationship where there was physical violence. It’s simply not safe.
Being in the workplace with an ex with traits BPD ex is extremely difficult. The real key is being able keep two versions of your ex in mind at the same time. The resonance or imprint of the BPD’s pre-devaluation personae can be so deep in the partner’s psyche that the partner may end up continually projecting it on the BPD ex. The BPD ex, if she is functional at work, will be projecting that original pre-devaluation personae to everyone which can trick the partner’s psyche into wishfully believing that the pre-devaluating personae is back.
Keeping awareness of both the false personae and the authentic unhealthy personae can allow you to use self-talk to remind yourself that what this person is showing is far from who they really are. The technique you will need to use when you can’t have no contact is called grey-rock, which you can Google, and is a fairly good survival technique.
Wow… fascinating. I’m a year out from the breakup from my supposed BPD ex-gf. What a trip it is to see commonality in the aforementioned comments. My relationship was on and off for three years. I’ve studied BPD and NPD to the extreme and still I need to get a dose of reading on other’s experiences with the matter. My relationship started when she was “separated”. Of course this meant that I couldn’t meet her family. I did meet some of her friends at a Christmas party. I was the secret. It felt like an affair. After her “divorce” I asked to meet her family. She told me that she didn’t want to have me meet them because she didn’t see us having a “future”. I asked why… she said because I was a white guy with tattoos. lol. She breaks up with me the first time. It was awfully painful. I did my earnest to keep us together. Then shortly thereafter she calls me to admit that she cheated on me. I asked her why she cheated… she said she wanted to see if she could find someone who made more money. I was making over a 100k a year. Of course we get back together and then she says she never cheated on me because we weren’t together. But how strange it was that she was with another man so soon after our breakup? They “exchanged numbers” a week before she broke up with me. We went through these back and forth cycles of her being with me and her being with the other guy. We had the long distance relationship… only a few hours travel. To this day I realize what the right choice is… to never have contact with her again but as you mentioned in your article it’s not what their traits are that cause people like me to yearn for them, it’s the way they make us feel. The day after we met… we were at the Queen Mary and we embraced. I told her that she felt like “home”. It was the best I’ve ever felt. Thought I had met the one. We talked the “soulmate” routine. She future faked saying I’d be the last guy she ever kissed. We’d grow old together. The whole routine. She was a liar… I witnessed it with her two sons and family members she’d talk to on the phone nonetheless the lies I was catching her in. I recently had the urge to find out whether she was married or divorced as she claimed so I paid for a report. It was long. When I got the the social media portion I saw a photo of her and her new man attached to the report… Facebook. She never gave me access to her Facebook. We couldn’t be friends. I figured I’d gotten enough shock from seeing that photo I could care less about whether she was married at the time… lol I put up with so much to get that “home” feeling from her. Needless to say after thinking I’d have her out of my mind after a year… I’m wrong. She plays in the background of my head day and night. It’s a living nightmare because I know there is no going back. I haven’t tried seeking help because of what I’ve read that not too many mental health professionals are hip to this issue. Can you suggest what kind of person I need to work with to manage my apparent uncontrolled obsession with my ex… whom I believe has BPD? Thank you. I liked your content since it didn’t contain the normal triggers that other sites invoke in me. 🙂
Joe, because the injuries that people with traits of BPD cause in their partners are psychological in nature, most people who are suffering after a breakup can get quite a bit of relief by working with any experienced therapist. The pain that gets triggered in partners of people with traits of BPD are usually very old childhood wounds, the kind that we all carry no matter how good a job our parents did with us.
Therapists are trained to help with exactly this type of childhood pain. I have heard many, many reports of positive feedback from those who have decided to get help from a therapist for their recovery from a BPD breakup. However, if you are looking for someone who works specifically with partners of people with BPD and who understands BPD very well, I believe Margalis Fjelstad does phone consultations. You should be able to take a look at her website to see if she is still consulting.
I have been reeling from my breakup like no other and the worst part was I could not understand what happened.
I am an educated savvy guy and met someone who was so intense and intoxicating at work. Within a short period I thought I had met the love of my life. She declared love, how I was the one and how we were destined to meet each other etc. She wanted to get engaged quickly, even considered a child with me, but all the time she required constant reassurance and then started accusing me of not caring about her enough. I started feeling as if I had a problem of attachment. She would text continuously for affirmation and if I did not respond quickly she would then accuse me of not caring.
She said I talked about my exes too much, yet it was her asking me the questions. She was so passionate like no other and then like a light switch all the attributes she felt I had she then started to complain about.
She ended the relationship out of the blue and refused to rekindle so I backed off, she then chased me and we started texting, but it was up and down constantly. Some days she would text frequently and then cease. She would list a catalogue of my complaints and accuse me of all sorts. She would complain about her children, but then accuse me of not liking them. In the end I actually started to believe I was a poor partner. Fortunately I have maintained good relationships with my previous partner and it was only by her convincing me otherwise that I was decent person that made me question such a character assassination (I was with this previous partner 19 years).
For a month we text each other, but I felt she was dangling me on a string pulling me close to believe our relationship still had a chance, but then push me away if I tried to see her or rekindle. She would text me still wanting affirmation wanting me to say how good she was and did I really love her etc. But then in the next breath say it’s a shame I pushed her away. She also said she never forgives or forgets. She had very black and white views and little flexibility. I also feel she was highly manipulative and outwardly presented as a fun and carefree caring person which was very appealing and her conversations often demonstrated how she has been unlucky in love and how men have always let her down.
I eventually said I think we need some space temporarily with which she said I would never hear from her again and said she was now blocking me on all social media platforms. I wrote to her a few times and even took the blame for most of the issues. My letters were friendly and reasoned. I even took all the blame. When we were together I don’t recall one row, there was never any violence. She then contacted the police because I had written to her. Fortunately they just advised me not to write to her anymore and said she has requested a clean break. Hitherto I never heard from her again. I also gleaned that she had also contacted the police about her previous partner and next door neighbour. If this had turned legal it would have jeopardised my whole career. On one occasion early on I said to her I needed a break and she phoned me continuously, but I would never dream of contacting the police.
I left my job because we worked in the same place and have no contact. Despite all this I still feel incredibly sad, whereas she just appears to be cold and indifferent in spite of all her previous declarations. She is also adept at appearing to others like a victim and no doubt painted me in a bad light as uncaring for her. I struggled with how someone can appear so caring and intense one minute to completely about turn and become so cold. Nor could I understand why this impacted on me more than any other relationship demise ever has. We were together nine months. When I started reading this blog and seeing other peoples stories I could not believe it as it completely matches the traits and experiences I had just encountered. This has helped no end as at one point I really felt I had the problems. I’m not suggesting I’m perfect, but I did treat her well in my opinion and when I said, we both have made mistakes she retorted, “I have not made any mistakes!” It has all been like a bad dream and I was left scratching my head wondering what has just happened. Thank you for all the insightful information.
In conjunction with the previous post this is a summary of behaviours I experienced with my ex so would appreciate your thoughts:
1) Exe’s children were very challenging and she had a difficult relationship with her own parents.
2) She was very intense from day one, declaring deep love and wanting to get engaged very quickly (within weeks).
3) Constantly running down the children’s father to me and in front of the children.
4) Telling me we were destined to meet each other.
5) Amazingly passionate and experimental.
6) Constant texting into the early hours and expecting immediate responses. Not making allowances for work commitments.
7) Asking lots of questions about my exes and then complaining I spoke about them too much.
8) Not liking me to engage in outside activities and asking if single women attended activities.
9) Constantly referring to infidelity and how I did not make her feel secure (I had not cheated).
10) Saying I pushed her away and was not committed enough.
11) Saying I did not like her children, even though she forever complained about them. She did everything for them to a point of it being over the top.
12) Mood swings and became agitated and easily offended quickly over what seemed like innocuous comments/jokes. Felt like having to tread on egg shells.
13) Ending the relationship suddenly and blocking all contact on social media.
14) Appearing like the breakup did not effect her in any way. Easily moved on.
15) Complimentary on all my interests and attributes, then turning this around and being critical of them.
16) Very black and white thinking – does not forgive or forget easily. Strong views on capital punishment.
17) Always had drama going on and appeared to be a victim to life circumstances, but did not see how she contributed to events. Could never be wrong or apologise..
18) Acted like a damsel in distress and very feminine, cute and alluring, but also had a steel cold and hard side which was not cognisant with her projected image.
19) Although sometimes appeared very caring at other times displayed a complete lack of empathy to others. Often appeared to be self-centred and wanted to be a martyr and have people feel sorry for her.
20) Criticised my friends (even those she had never met).
21) I never met her family in the nine months I knew her (apart from her children).
22) Very critical of her previous relationships and seemed to be just waiting for an opportunity to contact the police to complain about people.
23) Very immature and acted like a teenager at times.
Markus, your list is very helpful and includes all of the classic behavior patterns of a woman with traits of BPD. Your story shows how dangerous, both psychologically and physically it can be to become enmeshed in one of these relationships. You are very lucky to have a good relationship with the ex before her who could reflect back the reality of your good character that this woman was trying to shatter. Your story also shows good judgment in not getting married and choosing to not have children with her. Thanks for contributing this very useful illustration of a BPD relationship.
Dear Joanna, Thank you for your response. I have really struggled to make sense of why I have been so badly affected by this relationship given it was of relatively short duration by comparison to my other relationships. I think in part because I have never had a relationship end on such bad terms i.e involving blocking on social media and this is a person in her mid 40’s. This occurred because I was accessing her Facebook homepage to draw a picture of her and her children and then she blocked me. Because I then asked to be unblocked she ended the relationship. Bizarre!
Added to this is that I suspect she has smeared my name at my previous employer as she still remains working there. I cannot prove this, but interestingly when I tried to contact an ex colleague they have not responded.
One exercise I did undertake which I felt was a useful recovery excercise was to examine messages in the first few months and then contrast them with later messages and it was like a totally different person. The initial messages were so intense and loving and then everything changed. Any positive was quickly challenged in favour of a negative outcome. What I really found difficult was her pushing and pulling. After she ended the relationship I made attempts of reconciliation to no avail, but once I pulled away she tried to draw me back in. I am convinced she had no intention of reconciling, but used breadcrumbs of hope constantly. I was bitter for a while, but I suspected something was not right so this helped placate my anger I guess.
Ironically I wrote letters because she accused me of pushing her away and not caring when we were together so I felt by demonstrating I did care may have helped. All attempts to reach out were ignored. I am just so grateful this did not end up legal or a more formal entwinement took place.
She clearly has a very attractive aura, but when I reflect on this now it is almost like she is a teenager. If it wasn’t for my personal involvement in this situation it would make for a fascinating study.
My only outstanding question is based on my summary I wonder if she is ever likely to pop up again. When we were together she said she never contacts exes, but given what’s happened I’m not sure I take what she tells me at face value.
Most surreal experience I have ever had and it’s as if I lost a year of my life in a whirlwind.
Kind regards Markus
Markus, it’s hard to say whether she will ever want contact again. It is interesting that you refer to her as acting like a teenager. The lack of boundaries which can resemble the behavior of a young adult is often present with these individuals, and this “aura” of freedom paired with the lack of awareness of consequences is often what makes them so attractive.
Hi Joanna, one final issue I omitted to clarify occurred during the breakup phase. Normally I would just go no contact, but the combination of her blocking me and telling me I pushed her away and was not sufficiently responsive enough, so instead I made an exception and wrote a few letters based on the notion that going no contact would have just re-enforced her views that I did not care. Please bear in mind at this point I had no idea what was going on with her. This is not a method I would have normally advocated. That said, my letters were friendly and tried to focus on how things could be improved. Would this have had a bearing on her thoughts and break-up position, or made no difference whatsoever to someone exhibiting BPD traits?
Basically I am just wondering if this approach could be effective or was it totally futile? In my case she contacted the police, but fortunately the police dealt with the matter informally thankfully. I am just left wondering whether this a normal response position for someone with BPD, or whether I could have done a better approach at the time to improve the outcome. I am now intent to move on with my life, but just curious as to whether certain methods of breakup recovery are better than others taking BDP factors into account?
Kind regards
Markus
Markus, as you have experienced, even a friendly helpful contact with someone with strong traits of BPD can end up with an arrest. There is no approach that works better than any other when one of these individuals has turned against their partner. The negative lens you are being seen through is overwhelming and clouds any rationality.
The best way to look at your breakup would be to imagine yourself telling your close friends or family that a woman you have been seeing tried to put you in jail. If they know your good character they will probably be shocked that you would be putting your focus on anything other than getting out of the situation with the least amount of fallout. Because at the end of one of these breakups the partners of the person with traits of BPD is often as under the influence of emotions as their ex, it is often necessary for these partners to imagine what someone who cared deeply about them would suggest, and then follow that suggestion despite the strong emotions they are feeling which may lead them back towards a dangerous direction.
Thank you Joanna for your insight and responses. It can be hard because I guess when reflecting on such a relationship it’s tempting to do so from a position of rationality and attributing your ex girlfriend with parallel emotions you are feeling i.e her missing you like you miss her given all the wonderful things she said. By the same token it’s so easy to ignore the negatives i.e the police dimension and passive aggressive actions such as blocking and cold no contact without any outward indication of why they are doing this.
Whilst partners are experiencing emotional turmoil for being suddenly abandoned I guess it’s worth keeping in mind they are unlikely to be even giving you a second thought. They have the power because they are the dumper and don’t care and whatever strategies we adopt to project that we can also be indifferent, the truth is we are just pretending whereas they are not.
Once again, so glad I found this site as I was struggling to make sense of what just happened whereas now at least I can make a bit more sense of the chaos.
Kind regards
Markus
I know its a long time after the blog post. But while looking for an answer to my ex’s behaviour, I have been reading up on BPD. & while I am extremely convinced she has BPD of some degree, I can’t help but be very unsure about myself, & mistakes I made. I have been trying to help her understand everything. In full disclosure, she is married, & she is the one who approached me. I had liked her before that, but her being married I obviously didn’t do anything else than being a good friend. Even after her confessing to me, I tried to help her by diverting her affection to being a friend, but she seemed emotionally distraught. I tried to her help her, even stopped her from kissing me first time, so as to not let her make a mistake that can’t be undone (at that point she cried first & got angry at me for not kissing). I thought just minor anger, she will understand. I think she did, as she messaged me days after that her respect for me increased. But working in same company, we just couldn’t stop getting closer. & I admit I wasn’t strong enough to stop making the mistake. (we never had sex per se, but almost everything else). After couple of months of passionate relationship , as I tried to break it of when guilt became too much, it didn’t end well. At first I was good & I got goodbye letter & best friend emails. But then accusations emotional tantrums & victimhood all started to flow. I tried to help her a lot, A LOT. Being a depression victim earlier, I couldn’t stop from going all in to help her. Took her to therapists too. I couldn’t stop being a hero for her. She even took 8 harmless headache pills at night because I was angry at her & didn’t pick up phone. She also tried to self harm once. she said many time that she wants to kill herself. I got roped back into affair. (I dont shirk up on my responsibility, I am an adult, I could have chosen to walk away, but I couldnt see her like this) & it continued for more months, when ultimately it just couldn’t. She knew it couldn’t. She even asked me to take a job she said I deserved. & when I took it. Accusations took to whole another level. After leaving the company she also left & accusations just kept increasing. I was her “best friend”. & now I was the worst person in the world who “used her”, “raped her”, physically , emotionally & left 😢. I had never cared for another person more in my life , I supported her, cared for her & this is what she is saying today. I was happy she got another job, but then left it after 2 months because she was afraid she would find someone like me who betray her. She blames me for ruining her life 😢😢😢. I have tried nothing but to help her & accusations & delusions just wont stop. I just dont have the strength to block her. I dont know what she will do. Reading this article, its like a bulb went on every few sentences. Just relating it to event that happened. It not only helped me understand her behaviour , it also told me something about myself. It made me realise I need to totally cut her off my life. I loved her, I love her. But I ant help someone who dont want help. No matter how much I try. Its been more than 15 months. What she does her life is upto her now 😢. I need to rebuild my mental state now too. Thanks for the article. I dont want to give out my personal details, using an email I do check but I use for one time use on websites . But thank you for your article
G, I’m sorry you had to go through this. But it does show that you may be vulnerable to being taken advantage of again. Nice guy types often must work on their need to care-take excessively so they can protect themselves from people who are not themselves able to give back, and who take advantage of those who give so freely.
Thank you for great article Joanna. Im another in shellshock after a year of relationship with a highly intelligent very attractive BPD. Most confusing, mind-bending, heart-wrenching and central nervous system distressing experience of my life (except perhaps for my infancy 😊).
Such punishment via withholding. And the gaslighting !! When I started complaining about her dismissive and other hurtful behaviours and dared to say my feelings were hurt, she told me I was a nasty human being. When I got a bit angry with that and tried to get her to understand how unreasonable she had been she called me a narcissist and went NC. After I had bent of backwards helping her out with all manner of things. Just silence. She said for “closure and healing”. Phuk !! Really ? Thanks for the nightmare. I know she cant help it. Must be hell to seek love and then have to destroy it !! I dont think BPDS should be called evil etc. Poor lady. But she does have very frightening power and is ignorant of what she does with it. And she has terror/paranoia. God it’s complex !!
She’s on five psych drugs that blot out the reality of what happens in her relationships. So we’d go to bed at night where I’d writhe in pain while she knocked herself out. Arrrgh !
James, thanks for your input and for such an accurate description of a BPD relationship.
Thank you for great article Joanna. Im another in shellshock after a year of relationship with a highly intelligent very attractive BPD. Most confusing, mind-bending, heart-wrenching and central nervous system distressing experience of my life (except perhaps for my infancy 😊).
Such punishment via withholding. And the gaslighting !! When I started complaining about her dismissive and other hurtful behaviours and dared to say my feelings were hurt, she told me I was a nasty human being. When I got a bit angry with that and tried to get her to understand how unreasonable she had been she called me a narcissist and went NC. After I had bent of backwards helping her out with all manner of things. Just silence. She said for “closure and healing”. Phuk !! Really ? Thanks for the nightmare.
I know she cant help it. Must be hell to seek love and then have to destroy it !! I dont think BPDS should be called evil etc. Poor lady. But she does have very frightening power and is ignorant of what she does with it. And she has terror/paranoia. God it’s complex !!
She’s on five psych drugs that blot out the reality of what happens in her relationships. So we’d go to bed at night where I’d writhe in pain while she knocked herself out. Arrrgh !
Thank you for great article Joanna. Im another in shellshock after a year of relationship with a highly intelligent very attractive BPD. Most confusing, mind-bending, heart-wrenching and central nervous system distressing experience of òooooò life (except perhaps for my infancy o😊).
Such punishment via withholding. And the gaslighting !! When I started complaining about her dismissive and other hurtful behaviours and dared to say my feelings were hurt, she told me I was a nasty human being. When I got a bit angry with that and tried to get her to understand how unreasonable she had been she called me a narcissist and went NC. After I had bent of backwards helping her out with all manner of things. Just silence. She said for “closure and healing”. Phuk !! Really ? Thanks for the nightmare.
I know she cant help it. Must be hell to seek love and then have to destroy it !! I dont think BPDS should be called evil etc. Poor lady. But she does have very frightening power and is ignorant of what she does with it. And she has terror/paranoia. God it’s complex !!
She’s on five psych drugs that blot out the reality of what happens in her relationships. So we’d go to bed at night where I’d writhe in pain while she knocked herself out. Arrrgh !
I was married to a woman with undiagnosed BPD. I’m currently divorcing her and I have custody of our children. It is shocking how all of these giant red flags are all over the place yet you stay year after year trying to fix something that was fundamentally broken before you ever arrived. She told me all the time I was a weight on her and that I was a terrible person, etc. I don’t know why I believed her for so long. The moment I left her life completely fell apart (her own doing) she self-destructed to a degree I didn’t know people are capable of, drinking, random sex, dangerous behavior all while claiming she wanted the children back with her. DCF thank god was involved and helping me protect the children. I have an injunction against her but she still has strangers call me telling me she still loves me and wants me back, all while she’s sleeping her way through the town for a place to sleep, smoke, and drink. It’s been over a year and every day still hurts. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to trust a woman again in a romantic context, she has fundamentally broken something in me. I’m paranoid nervous, I am filled with self-doubt about my ability to succeed in life.
Dear Joanna, First of all let me express that it is really uplifting to know that some women – like you – can understand and describe the deep pit, we men fall whne meeting such creatures. As a nice guy I lived together with a wife for 15 years, enduring devaluation on a weekly basis, but it was managable, because she somehow at the age of 42 suppressed her anger most for the time. She is a highly intelligent, cold beauty, almost inaccessible, who I was very proud of. Her trigger unfortunately was her mother and brother, just them phoning drove her mad. Many times I thought about leaving her, but the thought of our 5 year old son being left with her kept me back.
Then I met this wonderful hot beauty, who love bombed me and “explained” to me how miserable of a life I have with my “queen like” wife. So I moved away from home after 2 months of infidelity – wonderful secret dates from a fairy tale. The red flags were there of course, but finally I was appreciated and really loved, not endured. And then….it started, the only difference being the trigger. My soon to be ex-wife’s name and my son. Jealousy and fight, silence treatment. Her exhusband left her with 2 children, with whom I lived together in the past year. I cared for them, the only thing I wanted to patch-up a family involving my son on Tuesdays and every second week-end. Yes that was my limit, from which I did not budge . We broke up 7 times in a year, was hoovered back someway, the. Honestly the best times we had when the two us were alone. In February we had a wonderful trip in Vietnam. Came home feeling in heaven. All turned up on me in 2 minutes when myex wife called about my soon being ill. My girlfriend looked at me with a cold, hatred look on her face and after that she broke up with me in text (about 20 pages). The reason? I used our shared voice on the phone. This time I walked away, because she has to learn boundaries. She tried the indirect hoover again a month after that, but I stayed strong. The two women used my FB timeline openly to harass each other, mutually writing emails to each other behind my back, then complaining to me. But the double break up (divorce and separation took its toll). I lost 6 kg-s and am taking antidepressants, with therapy and a coach. Just beware of thme lurking. Still I am somehow still waiting for her to reach out again, knowing that I could kill for the idealisation part. Only it would be real. Or can it be if she agreed to professional help? Do you think Joanna, no contact would make her realize, that I was there for her (and two kids), wheras now she is alone ( I meet her mother occassionally, who is the same cut by the way). Or once she devalued me for the 8th time – although tried the hoover – we are done? Thanks for your insight and answer. It’s been 4 months now into no contact, which I managed during her B-day too (she sent a message on mine). I miss our good times and evening conversations, our trips, her kids.
Just a few more lines… The worst of this all in my opinion is the thought of having no closure, in my case no devaluation period (2 minutes). But what breaks me most is the often described nature of the borderlines, that once they split you black, there are no pleasant feelings for you, no reminescence. I am a romantic guy – with a somewhat harder inner core – who feeds from the past experiences, memories. It is unfathomable, that these women would find photos where we cuddle, hug, kiss and would dismiss those as false? Is it really like that Joanna? Even if we do not get together – which on the long run may be the most healthy option – still it hurts that my once significant other would not/could not view the same way “our” pleasant memories of travels, holidays, family unisions? Do they just discard the videos, flms, photos in the bin without a second thought, or do they feel something? Please Joanna, let me know, what did you learn about this?
Z, they do lose the beautiful memories. But they don’t experience the memories the same way. The feelings they express when you are together are somewhat like what drugs would be like to an addict. They need those amazing feelings just to be okay. Like an addict, without the euphoria they feel terrible. So the euphoria only feels okay to them. Also remember they are capable of obtaining this euphoria over and over with different partners, so they don’t necessarily link the feeling to you.
The one constant them for BPD is the inability to handle negative judgment from others or from self. If your ex had any empathy for you she would have to see herself as a terrible person. She is doing whatever she needs to do in order to not see herself as terrible after having done terrible things to you. So she will have to spin negative tales about you in her head in order to evade the feelings of guilt for her mistreatment of you. So her memories will always be an edited version that changes according to what she needs to manage her emotional state in the moment.
Dear Joanna, Thank you for your reply. Just a last question. You are saying she is spinning negative tales about us /me in her head. Then why did she initiate indirect approach, saying she is hurting? I felt like she wanted to reconcile, thus me soothing her. I do not give in – I wrote this to her – unless we both go into therapy – but I did not clarify for what reason. I am done with my divorce, so the “persona non grata” of my ex-wife will less likely trigger her, only my son stays in the picture. Do you think – after I fulfilled my promises on this issue – that she can change, knowing that she hasn’t jumped into an other relationship for 3 months. She really values family – her promiscuity traits are not prevailing – many times she told me, except she likes the idea of the 4 of us, not really the 5.
Really, if she looks at our hundreds of photos, she will still fell nothing? I am devastated, like loosing two years from my life. I gave in so-so much……
Z, we cannot really know what someone with traits of BPD will feel at any given time, so I can’t say definitively what she is thinking. What I am sensing that you are experiencing is the terrible pain that leaving this type of individual seems to bring on. I understand it is absolutely devastating. And the longing you seem to be describing can feel unendurable. I think continuing to take advantage of therapy would be very important at this stage. Most survivors of these relationships find they need extra support to process the kinds of feelings you and many others are describing.
Thank you Joanna, your words are very true. Zs
Hi Joanna,
My BPD girlfriend dumped me last week and it hit me from out of nowhere. I was reeling quite a bit and was pretty much lost until I read your article and light bulbs went off everywhere. It helps, and I can feel that sense of wanting the good times back, but I know now that they were just a means to an end.
I do have one question though. Mainly out of concern for my ex (I personally don’t think she is an inherent BAD person, this disease does affect her in many ways as well), is there ever hope for BPD people? Or are they destined to live their lives hurting the people around them? I genuinely care for her as a person and I loved her kids, so while I understand why I feel like an addict who’s drug supply has suddenly been cut off, I do hope that she can find some love and understanding sometime.
Sam, for individuals who have lighter traits, those who can manage to function fairly well, they often don’t hit a bottom that would allow them to get help. I believe when the treatment for BPD, dialectical behavioral therapy, gets more mainstream, these individuals will be able to get help for emotional dysregulation without the stigma associated with the disorder.
Joanna you are a god sent… This article has done something for me that is just remarkable. I am an empath and after reading this article and the remarks from other people I I have been healed. To hear the stories of these people and to read what you have written it is like wow. I can relate to every person as commented on this post. My ex definitely meets all of the criteria to have this disease. I’ll sum this up by simply saying “thank you, all”!
I feel we need to accept that people with BPD are inherently pathological – they just come with a particular set of behavioural traits to identify themselves as BPD… but it is still a pathology. And the M.O of such people is ALWAYS about ; power, control and abuse [while slowly, insidiously projecting their unstable internal turbulence onto their partners ! ]
Once you start from the above premise, the fact they typically come with an intoxicating personality smokescreen of ultra – enthusiasm (to the person they’re targeting) and seriously accommodating sexuality is just their initial ‘stock in trade’. Yes, they have major emotional regulation issues, but too many are proven to have a * conscious ability to be cynically manipulate * (outside of being triggered or dysregulation!) For me, that means these people are psychologically…but also spiritually damaged. It’s clearly why so many of them leave relationships with their partners displaying shattered psyches and emotional trauma… JUST like they experienced as little children, right…?!
It’s not much more complex than that, I feel.
Hi Joanna
Wonderful blogs and your insights are incredible. I have been battered and bruised by my ‘ex’ (she’s walked out for the 20th time this year – the reasons for which are always me being abusive, harsh, overly demanding, saying hurtful things ……) for 4 years. Can I ask, are these behaviours typical of a woman with slight BPD traits (I don’t think she has the disorder):
1. Can go from incredible night of intimacy to spending the rest of the weekend alone? (we live in the same complex but in different houses, 30m apart)
2. Has absolutely zero empathy for her 18 year old daughter despite the fact that she can hardly walk in shoes due to a badly infected ingrown toenail? I had to get it seen to by a doctor
3. Will never ever apologise for anything
4. Will inform me that she is going away for the weekend to her parents last thing Friday night, taking her daughter and dog with her, leaving me alone for the entire weekend without a second thought?
5. During normal disagreements, will throw the coffee down the sink, was out of my house and then sit and wait at home for me to come apologise?
6. When asked to come and join myself and her daughter in a game of tennis, says ‘its not her thing’ but then later when asked why she is sulking, asks ‘why didn’t I invite her to join in, she especially dressed up for it?”
7. Has had a 2-year feud with her sister who lives just 2 minutes away from us
8. This is deeply personal but I just need to understand please – she cries after we make love
9. She can stonewall me for hours on end for saying the wrong thing to her
10. She walked out again last week stating that ‘she cannot be around someone who hates her so much’ but 5 days later asked if she can borrow my car for an errand
11. Sneaks food and gifts into my house while I am out walking my dogs
12. Changes conversations and things she has said in the past through blatant lying
13. Walks out on me after coldly explaining that she has shared my most intimate stories I’ve told her with her family, work colleagues and strangers and then rather than come and make up and her me deal with the betrayal, sits and watches me from her balcony and stalks me from a distance for 4 weeks until out of desperation I went to talk to her
14. Her relationship with her daughter is awful, they cannot have a conversation without her daughter losing her temper and storming out – her daughter confessed to me that she frequently cries in the shower to prevent her mom from seeing her pain
15. I am ‘involved’ with disagreements with everyone in her family, some of her friends and even her mother but have never ever had a quarrel with any of them
16. When I ask her to arrange that we meet these ‘offended’ people and make amends for all the things I have apparently done wrong, she refuses, saying that she is keeping them away from me for ‘my own good and to stop them hurting me further?????”
17. She regularly makes arrangements that exclude me saying ‘we weren’t talking at the time she made them’ and I spend days alone. If I get angry, she will then avoid me saying ‘she can’t be around an angry person’ and I spend even more time alone. She will the pop up out of nowhere, and act as if nothing has happened and suggest dinner and some intimacy.
18. When I spend time with her and her daughter, she won’t participate in the fun, she often curls up on the couch and sleeps.
I could go on and on but I’m so desperate to understand if I’m the problem and should get help or is her behaviour ‘not normal’? I have done self assessment tests for my having BPD, my being a narcissist, my being abusive, my being the cruel uncaring angry man she has accused me of being but am so confused now by everything I’ve read……
Kindest regards
Karl
Karl, what a story. Yes, these are all behaviors that an individual with traits of BPD but who would not qualify for diagnosis would engage in. As difficult as it may be to accept without the simple skill levels of emotional regulation, an otherwise perfectly reasonable person can devastate and destroy the lives of those around them. Because they are at times loving and reasonable, people who love them may stick with them, believing that their cruel side is not the real them.
But as you have discovered, this type of gas-lighting will eventually make the recipient begin to feel crazy, especially nice guy types such as yourself who don’t use the type of defense mechanisms that kick in for most people when they are unfairly blamed. Sometimes nice guy types would prefer to take on the notion that their accusing partner could be right, rather than accept that their partner actually wants them to feel terrible pain even in their innocence.
Most nice guy types are unaware that their willingness to search for their own blind spots that may make them go against their ethics and morals is quite unusual. They don’t realize that the average person may need to spend years of personal development to acquire these skills.
Although this quality is extremely valuable, particularly in a relationship partner, the discipline or practice of being willing to “try on” criticism from others also leaves nice guy types open to be taken advantage of by those who cannot under any circumstances look at themselves.
Karl, the best way to counter the wish to try on unfair accusations from a romantic partner is to resolve the confusing question of how if they love you can they at the same time want to hurt you. To counter this tendency it is helpful to realize that these individuals have absolutely no idea why they are angry at you. Yes, they defend their emotional stance with everything they have got, but be assured they are just as confused as you are once the emotion subsides.
They accuse you unfairly for the same reason that you try on their criticism. Nice guy types and individuals with traits of BPD have one thing in common. Neither can stand the idea of hurting someone. A secure person will self-examine to make sure that they are not hurting others when there is any remote possibility. An insecure person, unable to face the possible truth, may lie to themselves to escape the guilt.
So it can help to recognize that her defenses supply anger as a protection against feelings of humiliation due to her insecurity. It’s simply an antidote to an emotion she cannot bear, an unconscious and involuntary reaction that she then must make up stories to justify so she doesn’t look foolish to herself.
Your other question is probably more related to psychology than to neurology. We cannot know what is in her past that causes her to cry after making love, but this can happen to people who have been sexually abused. Although this sad connection is often present in individuals who engage in BPD behavior, it is important to remember that most people who abuse in adult life have been abused as children.
We may feel very empathetic to their plight, but because the behaviors of these individuals can cause true psychological damage, you don’t do your partner any service in taking the abuse. In this situation partners need to save themselves.
Hi again
Perhaps some more information would help explain my situation
I seem to match many of the characteristics of the ‘nice guy’ although I’m not sure that these behaviours match the definition……(please note that I love doing these things)
1. Running back to her after she has walked out on me
2. Helping clean her home when I visit
3. taking out her trash when I see it’s full
4. Helping her with her daughter’s schooling
5. Dog sitting her pet when she travels on business
6. Helping with cooking and washing up
7. Cleaning up after her dog in HER garden
8. Fetching her daughter from school
9. Fixing and repairing issues in her home
10. I’m also a gentleman and open her doors, pull out her chair, order for her, pay for nearly everything, carry her groceries, compliment her sense of dress (which is beautiful), compliment her looks, curly hair, blue eyes, soft feminine hands, her beautiful, figure etc,
11. Arrange for her car to be fixed/serviced
12. Buy her surprise chocolates
I don’t expect any praise for treating her well but just cannot fathom that I can be walked out on every time I stand up for myself.
You are perfectly correct that I was a somewhat normal man until I started dating her and am now dealing with childhood trauma I had already overcome and because I struggled with a strong sense of abandonment (broken family issues), her walking out every 2 weeks is making me desperate, anxious, angry and very insecure.
Her mother is exceptionally controlling, is on anti-depressants for panic attacks and anxiety, is dismissive and blunt to the point of being obnoxious. Her mother will INFORM her daughter that she is coming to stay for the weekend and then just arrive.
I love her and her daughter so much and cannot seem to move on. She uses WhatsApp to draw me back in with suddenly messaging me about insignificant and meaningless stuff after complete silence for 6 weeks, then the cycle starts again. I am so worn out. No sooner has she pulled me back in and slept with me then she is withdrawing and getting cold again.
Another strange trait is that she will sit in complete silence with me for an entire evening (unless I make conversation) and then once home, will send me a stream of messages about how wonderful the evening was.
I don’t know whether to run and or stay.
She has walked out again because we had a disagreement on the phone, we only started seeing each other again two weeks ago after she walked out for 2 months before that.
Any insight would be so helpful please.
Karl
Karl, these questions are in the psychological realm, not the neurological. They have to do with personal history not personality traits. So I can only address these questions generally.
Nice guy types do have a tendency to develop codependency. One way to figure out whether you have moved past nice guy tendencies into codependency is to ask yourself if your behaviors would be an asset or a liability if your partner had the exact same tendencies. Let’s take a look at your list.
We will see that every behavior on it would be an asset with a partner who treated you the same way. But the first item on your list may be liability. This is a clue that can be backed up by the fact that you feel compelled to remain with someone who does not treat you well. Luckily there are many resources for those who have codependent tendencies that take them beyond the nice guy personality. A therapist may be expensive, but it is often the best choice.
Dear Joanna;
Thanks for this article. I met a woman online almost 2 years ago and we hit it off right away despite our age gap. She was 18 at the time, I was 42. We pursued a long distance relationship where we’d see each other on cam or talk on phone daily and then meet in person every 3 months. IT was going great for about 1.5 years but I started feeling guilty I couldn’t be there for her all the time and she couldn’t move here since she was still in school.
Long story short, she’s on anti-depressants and anti-psychotic meds but smokes weed and drinks all the time. Lately she’s been drinking and doing weed daily. She cheated on me with her weed dealer and didn’t tell me till a week later. It devastated me. We patched things up but I later suggested she pursue a FWB which she did but after the first couple of times she had sex with him, I couldn’t deal with it.
We’ve been trying to get back together but when she was with that guy, she completely blew me off. Since he left her, she started chatting with me again about how much she missed me and wants to see me. I thought we were rebuilding our connection only to find she literally disappears for days without any communication with me. When I ask her if she just wants to end this or have a casual relationship with me, she says NO that she wants to rebuild us but also have a girlfriend on the side to supplement her until we can live together.
I just don’t trust her anymore and her daily use of drugs and alcohol is a real turn off. Sadly, I can’t get her out of my mind and the more I think she’s hooking up with other people, the more I want her.
This whole relationship has put me into a bad depression and I don’t know what to do. I’m seeking help but so far it’s proven useless. Any advice is appreciated. Is our relationship salvageable or should I do my best to cut her off and move on with my life?
Brad, there is so much more to a healthy relationship than the love you may feel for the person. Many individuals are not healthy enough to be in a committed relationship. Choosing someone who drinks and drugs excessively not to mention someone who cheats is a recipe for pain. Unfortunately, our emotions are not particularly connected to our intellect when it comes to love. There will be many times when a person looking for a committed relationship will face pain. You can minimize this pain by looking for red flags before you give your heart to someone. Your best bet to handle the very real pain and depression you are feeling is to find an experienced therapist. If the one you are seeing is not helping with your pain levels, find another therapist.
Best of luck in your healing.
Very good Joanna, clear and straightforward way of setting a difficult subject out, so people can start to help themselves.
30 years ago, I had never heard of BPD. And still, I am on the journey of rebuilding my core emotional self.
I recently found out the ‘quiet BPD’ ex (a guess using the criteria available), had killed themselves all those years ago. The discovery of that was as traumatic now as it would have been then, only other life experiences and coping strategies have made it a shorter intense sense of loss.
At the time, I was ashamed to reveal what the relationship had turned into. A few years later I found the courage to answer that inevitable question ‘what happened to you two anyway?’,’I felt like someone had played a big psychological game on me, for fun, because she had a degree in the subject’.
I’d had lots of lovely practice with people with issues beforehand, plus an ambivalent, abusive father and generally dysfunctional family. I knew to keep quiet and become invisible when the person switched.
Of course I made sure to make a quick clean break in spite of the manipulative protests, throw the carefully scripted Dear John letter away , politely ignore the strange phone call etc.
I haven’t ‘got over it’, I feel that would require your whole childhood to happen again. The lost and deep emotional memories have been hijacked and jumbled up.
I don’t think I’m alone in this, a compromise has to be reached to get on with the present and future.
If it is a diagnosis, I would have thought that neither the idealisation or the devalue phase represented who the person was? They haven’t actually become ‘a person’ yet? They may have a ‘persona’, but it isn’t connected up to the bits inside properly, to be called a personality.
It is a shame that something that causes so much damage isn’t yet receiving widespread acceptance, certainly in my case the failure to be able seek and find help must have contributed to the suicide. Some careers involving public performance seem ideal for a BPD to ‘hide in full view’. They must please everyone back stage as well as on, so nobody really knows when the acting stops.
I hope this isn’t too gloomy, since I’m one of those people who can recall events and conversations from years ago almost verbatim (of course don’t we all think that!), I’m thinking of writing a book from my own experience with this particular person. Which still feels like snitching, being horrible, disrespectful of their memory and disloyal. In spite of how I came to be there, to be a witness and participant, in the first place.
I’m so sorry to hear about what you have been through. In no way do I believe anything you or anyone else in your situation did could have contributed to these tragic endings of life. This is really just one of the dark sides of this condition, and it’s terrible that you had to go through this. I’m so glad to hear you are finding a way to constructively move on with your life. I believe a book on this subject would be extremely helpful for others who have been through similar experiences. I think it would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for writing here, as I know there will be readers who need to hear your story. And best of luck in your recovery from these painful experiences.
Joanna, from your reply to ‘Anon’ on 23 Sept 2017 who posted as a woman with BPD, I quote this section –
‘If your partner was brutally destroyed in the earlier part of your relationship and does not recognize the need for intensive healing, they may have early family issues of their own that do not allow them to recognize their injury, or they may have an unusual personality type that protects them from the kind of emotional injury most people sustain when they are abused by a domestic partner.’
I wouldn’t describe myself as emotionally strong or resilient. However I recognise something of myself in this idea of immunity to domestic abuse. Because the behaviour or language is so unconnected, illogical I suppose, with the event or context that triggered it. In one of my careers I worked with some really challenging children and adults, the long relationship with a partner with whom I had children survived several years in spite of many issues. I don’t seem to take things personally and get into ‘fights’. I also seem to lack that need to ‘judge’ other people or assign blame.
I’m wondering if in my case, a neurological basis of how BPD works gives an individual the power to intuitively circumvent and disable barriers which other potentially abusive personalities are unable to get around. (And in a truly reciprocated loving relationship, those deep barriers could be explored and maybe lead to a more emotionally intimate bonding.)
For example; when asked the question, out of the blue, by the woman who is the mother of my children;
‘aren’t you worried about the size of your penis?’
I just laughed, it doesn’t make sense, there’s no context. Is she worried I’m worried? Or is it a serious problem for her she’s worrying about and wants to know if I’ve had a good look recently and I’m worried too?
Google that comment and there will be a lot of unhappy ex partners posting on the forums, just the imagining a partner has thoughts like this seems to trigger un-manageable insecurities.
If the possible BPD woman I was with had to really go into neurological overdrive, that might explain things better for me.
Would a therapist unwittingly get into a relationship with a BPD, and how would they deal with the decision to leave the BPD to their own devices and flee or try to fix?
Are none of us safe?
And are the movie renditions showing personalities with supposed traits unhelpful to sufferers and victims?
Making it into entertainment is a form of devaluation, reinforcing the taboo and making it more difficult to seek help.
Mark, those are a lot of complex questions. I’ll do my best here. There tend to be two types of people who stay with individuals with strong traits of BPD. There are those, as you mentioned, who have early caretakers who were abusive. Sadly we do tend to be drawn to those who resemble our early caretakers. But there are also those who have very low emotional settings or who are simply not insecure. These individuals see the behavior of BPD types as too bizarre to take seriously. What we find is that those with traits of BPD accuse their partners of negative characteristics that either they possess or that they have a great fear others will possess.
Because these attacks aren’t actually applicable to them personally, their partners can’t possibly take them seriously. So they may stay with hopes that they can somehow get through to this person who is acting in a wildly irrational way. But honestly, most of these individuals recognize they are not getting their needs met and they leave.
I have heard from many therapists who have gotten involved unknowingly with women with strong traits of BPD. These individuals seem to be able to present themselves in such an alluring way that red flags that should have been seen by a professional are missed. However, all of the therapists that have contacted me about their situation did leave once they understood the true nature of their partner.
I don’t think movie renditions of BPD are too harmful. There seems to be a comedy show out now that I’m told has elements of BPD. It really depends on how they portray the condition.
Are none of us safe? No, none of us are safe. These individuals have the perfect con in that they believe in their con themselves. But we can learn to identify the personality traits of BPD that make people susceptible to the condition and avoid getting involved with these individuals. You can find the three traits to steer clear of in my blog post about identifying a person with traits of BPD before embarking on a relationship.
But unfortunately, the qualities that these three personality traits bring with them are exactly the traits that are the most alluring in women. Many men find that they are not attracted to the kind of personality trait that would be the healthy and logical choice. Some men who have been through this painful experience decide that they will not enter a relationship with anyone that seems ideal to them. They figure that workaround will shield them from being idealized as those who do the idealizing usually present themselves as perfect partners.
Thank you Joanna, you are always able to make really constructive and helpful comments on the situations of people posting on this blog.
I have to give a warning though, based on my experience a month or so after the ‘clean break’. Which I undertook in as kind and non-blaming way as possible. I had a phone call from the ex, in which not only did she not acknowledge it was me answering the phone, but went on to say she was an ‘interested party’ in my older brother. Exactly the words she had written along with her phone number in a visitor comment book at one of my exhibitions, which led to the relationship. All I could do with my emotional intelligence set, which is pretty non-existent, was listen and politely and calmly reply that my brother didn’t live ‘here’. I didn’t ask how I was supposed to convey this gift, since she didn’t give a name or contact details. Of course she already knew, unconsciously or otherwise, that was not necessary!. I’m not too worried if any of my family read this blog and put 2 and 2 together, I am no longer in any contact with or have any interest in them.
For over 30 years I carried the doubts inside me as to what that crazy phone call was about, unable to challenge my brother. Now I realise there would have been no point in doing that in any case. It would have escalated into a very dangerous situation very quickly.
The warning is that, at the break-up things may happen which could have a life-long consequence. Not only to you, but by revealing deep seated flaws in your relationships within your family, those relationships as well. Which the BPD person will have picked up on in just a fleeting encounter. If you have already offered yourself for therapy or counselling, with the right therapist, just as part of your curiosity about yourself generally in your journey through life, it might make it easier to seek that help at an early stage. When things are just starting to get a little weird.
Joanna, your comments on therapists becoming enmeshed with BPD, are both a comfort and a little alarming!
very good articles and information – the workbook is great and free – someone who really cares about their work.
the question is whether it’s worth the bother to try to repair a BPD relationship – for the sake of young children – for the learning curve of it – is it worth it ?
i feel like i am considering inviting the devil back into my house.
i also feel from reading the workbook that – as smart and as intelligent as it is – that to some extent it’s walking on eggshells to be with a person – what about the opposite attitude – if you want to be with me – toughen up ?
i have seen many confident kind decent men (myself included) ruined by these selfish, damaged, neurotic women and why not just kick them to the kerb ? I don’t have to live my life taking care of someone that is blind example – I might under certain circumstances – but it has to be a very conscious choice – here in lies the problem –
Bob, it is a very difficult decision to make to stay with someone who is doing damage to you psychologically. Using my workbook it will take at least a year for rehabilitation. There will always be relapses. And during that year the partner does not get their needs met. However, there are times when a divorce is financially disastrous or when the fear of parental alienation is too much to entertain or when children seem too vulnerable.
At the very least, using these methods can stop the negative behaviors which can allow a partner to have some breathing room in order to think clearly and make a decision that is right for them. It can also stop the behavior pattern that many people who love an abusive partner get caught up in which keeps them from leaving. But if you have already split up successfully there is no situation where I would recommend getting back together in order to use my method of rehabilitation.
But I do feel it’s important to have this information out. Similarly I have written a four-part blog series on how to stop emotional abuse. These techniques stop the abuse but do not heal the abuser. They don’t bring back the love to a relationship. We know that that people should not be in a relationship where they are being emotionally abused. So why give them techniques to stop the abuse that won’t heal the relationship?
The reason I provide all these kinds of techniques is to help those with mild problems in this area who can heal with these minor adjustments but also to give people who feel helpless the ability to stop the abuse or negative behaviors from happening. My hope is that once they feel control and lose their fear, they will be able to make the right decisions and to leave a person who is damaging them.
Therefore I would not advise you let someone with strong BPD traits back into your house. Whether they are diagnosed or not I would tell them they need to actively participate in a full program of dialectical behavioral therapy, and if this program is not available in your area to work with a therapist who is willing to use the dialectical behavioral workbook with them, and when they feel that they are able to successfully use the skills they have learned they can gradually move back into the family.
These articles, as others have stated, give so much incredible insight into everything. I’m about 4 months removed from a relationship with someone who has many BPD disorder tendencies and the struggle is still there for the exact reasons you outlined. She had a very horrific relationship with her parents and the repercussions from that obviously had a very profound effect. I was never able to understand why the very small stuff were so monumentally destructive for her. Things were fine at the beginning and then when I went away for work she couldn’t resist going through my texts and emails and found very harmless texts to friends but those which she clearly misconstrued and took as a reason to change the perception she had of me to one where I am capable of hurting her. Things were never the same after that and the victimizing nature that she clings suddenly turned everything I did into a personal vengeance against her. As a nice guy I do tend to find myself in the same relationship over and over and the results never change as that’s something I definitely have to work on. I also found that she would have a hard time maintaining strong relationships with friends once they have wronged her in anyway. She would struggle with old friends no longer being there for her even though she never put in the effort and instead of taking responsibility for what happened she would just shut down and fall into a deep depression due to, what I assume, is an overwhelming reminder of the pains of abandonment.
I’m so glad these articles have been helpful for you.
I am a woman with BPD and I understand most of the experiences partners of people struggling with BPD. However I’d like to point out the nice guy is not much of a victim just as the person with BPD.. It takes two to tango so as much as you are quick to blame all your distress on your partner, take time to recognize that you are not perfect, you probably made lots of mistakes too and though you may highlight some of your very good traits about what a loving partner you were, it wouldn’t hurt to see yourself as a flawed person too. Some want to know, how the person with BPD feels… Well, the idealization phase is magical. We truly believe we’ve found the one, usually very early into the relationship meaning that usually we don’t know who you really are as a person and you don’t know us either… There are redflags that we see with you but being with you feels like being high on some drug so it’s hard to be rational… We make excuses for your behavior and redflags… Someone like me feels like maybe I can learn to live with your flaws… We are often so enchanted and you bring out a part of us that’s charming, sexy, confident because we feel wanted and valued… Then as we spend more time, something changes… The consistency breaks… If you used to send a good morning text, you fail to send it… Communication just drops… It’s like this triggers the most intense panic you’ve ever imagined… Some people like me will try to make a million excuses for the change but deep down we are so afraid you are going to leave and we are hoping you will come and reassure us that you went a little distant because of whatever reason but you will make it upto us and that you love us very much… Sometimes being genuinely busy in your work will trigger the same panic because we had exes who slowly ghosted out of our lives while feeding us the lie that they were busy and it really broke us to realize that they had not been busy, they were just discarding us… So yes, we need reassurance above what other healthy people need… When I say we panic i mean we will have full on panic attacks, we won’t sleep at night, our chest wants to literally explode, we long for you like nothing else, sometimes we tell you but there’s such stigma about being needy so we judge ourselves as needy and we try to restrain ourselves from calling you constantly just to hear your voice… The more we repress these feelings the more it hurts… When this is prolonged, we become convinced that you don’t care because if you did, you’d see how much we are hurting and come to our rescue, give us a want hug, reaffirm your love and probably take us out to make up for lost time… But at this time, most men see us as needy, weak and pathetic… The more we seek their attention, the more they withdraw.. Silent treatment begins… Some pretend that everything is OK but we have perception super powers and can tell when you resent our neediness and start feeling like we are overwhelming you with our need for your reassurance… At this point, the pain is unbearable… You just came from loving us and treating us like the center of the universe and now we are lucky if we get a compliment from you… We begin to withdrawal because it feels like the only way we can get relief. By this point we don’t trust you and resent you… We feel really angry and if you are a quiet borderline like me, we will try our best to repress it because how can i be mad at you for withholding affection expecting you to be more affectionate? The more I complain the more you dislike me so the more I withdraw… Then it gets to the point where there’s a disconnect… I don’t feel the warmth towards you but I want you nevertheless… A part of me hopes we can go back to idealization phase but I won’t reach out… I will silently hope that you will swallow your pride enough to talk to me and seek to explore the problems that occurred and be willing to apologize for mistakes done and be open about all the feelings, including the humiliation, the fear, the rejection without feeling like I’m being a nuisance for discussing these really difficult feelings… But most guys would rather leave than put themselves through such emotions because even they are too triggered and would rather escape those feelings…without discussing these, we may come back but we won’t trust you… Some of you talk about the cheating, i have never cheated but I know the temptation… This occurs when we can barely get your attention even after outright begging for a piece of your time then out of nowhere comes this charming guy who think we are just adorable and start treating us like a goddess… We feel like this is a nice distraction from the pain.. I’d like to add that some like me though we enjoy the attention, we are quick to tell the other guy that we are in a relationship because we don’t want to be the one that cheated and truly hope our partner will become our charming prince once again… By this time must guys slowly ghost you and the pain is soul shattering, we cry for days on end and our phases are puffy you just won’t see it… We date so quickly because our pain is too much we’d rather just not feel it and jump into another idealization phase… But it won’t last long… Our need for attention will somewhat push any guy away sooner than later
To add to the above comment, sometimes guys will try to be reassuring… But if the trust is already broken from your initial withdrawal, even if you reassure us a lot, we won’t believe you… We are somehow convinced that the only reason you are reassuring us is because you pity us and not because you really love us… It will seem like a zero sum game… We will probably continue to be needy because we are truly convinced that you will soon give up and leave… A part of us wishes you’d just skip to the part where you give up already because on our end we feel like there’s an impeding rejection that could happen any second… It’s easier for us when you reject us outright, than when you withdraw slowly… We are so good at moving on after you rejecting us but what stings especially is when you just won’t break up with us but just distance yourself… It’s soul destroying and we can do very irrational things just to avoid it.. Some self harm, become promiscuous, block you because a part of us feels like we’ll feel some relief… But the moment we do this, we are overcome with overwhelming feelings of guilt because we betrayed you by attempting to get rid of you… We can now never trust you because we feel like you’ll repay us back the ‘favor’ by dishing us even more pain… So when you forgive us, we are cynical and won’t really trust you… It will feel like a zero sum game but if you become consistent and prove your intentions over and over again to a point where we can start to believe that you are not out to humiliate us, we will trust again… Key word is consistency… Any break and our panic alarm just goes out of control… In case of conflict, we need the best of conflict resolution skills otherwise we’ll jump to our defenses and probably say mean things… Both parties must try not to blame each other and quickly own their mistake, trusting that owning their mistakes won’t be used against them by withholding affection or silent treatment because this will trigger a borderline like nothing else…
Anyway, i’m not speaking for all people with BPD, I’m sure some have really worked through their problems and cope much better but this is my personal experience
I am in the situation where I am fighting my emotions towards the split up between my ex and I. She is diagnosed with BPD. I have been left feeling nothing but emptiness and anger towards this situation, and more then that the guilt has been consuming me. When we broke it off, I was blamed for everything and of course I have been labeled as a betrayer, the word “abandoned”, a common word I have learned to be a core feeling carried by those with BPD was constantly thrown at me, even though the break up was her idea.
I find this to be the most painful and heartbreaking situation I have ever been in, but this article helps me see that I must let go of the guilt no matter how hard it is. Thank you for helping me see. I hope that I can find my way to finally rid myself of this hurt.
I’ve been reading a lot about BPD since my ex went very cold on me. These articles are by far the best I’ve read. Thank you so much for these.
Its only been a week since the split so I’m still trying to make sense of everything and still going through being glad and sad, angry and guilt every few hours.
I felt a lot of anger but I’m still not really angry at her, I’m just angry about the situation. It’s a big shame to think these people may never be able to get to muture love. I still really care for her even though I’m trying to dislike her… that would be so much easier!
Thanks again for the great articles
I’m so glad these articles were helpful for you.
Oh my goodness, thank you so much for these articles. I am the ‘good-guy’ that was in a relationship with a woman with BPD traits. These articles describe my life after we moved in together to a T. Push/pull, the sarcasm, belittling, anger, no-win arguments and situations I’d be put in. I don’t want to lose the ‘good guy’ trusting part of me, but I also want to be able to pick up signs earlier (and pay attention to them).
I have to remember that no matter what I did, or could of done, it wouldn’t of changed her behavior. I’m trying to apply normal logic to an abnormal person.
But, it is so difficult, for she made me feel so special, so unique and so loved. But, as my therapist points out to me…that was only part of me. Once we started living together, she showed her whole side, and it was ugly. I stayed for months thinking it was all my fault, trying to change, trying to adjust my behavior and actions toward her. It worked for a bit, but soon she would be pushing me away again, blaming me. I became suicidal, with a depleted self-esteem and sense of self-worth. I was thinking it was all my fault and I wasn’t able to successfully convey to her through words and actions how much I loved and cared for her. Nothing seemed to work, for she’d throw everything back and me, twisting my words around. I literally thought I was going insane.
Removed from the situation now and seeing all the symptoms and being a nice guy myself, I know now why I was ‘targeted’.
Thanks for the articles and thank you for the healing advice…I’m on my way.
This article was beyond insightful and hit exactly how I am feeling at this point. When looking back at my childhood and then what made my ex BPD so attractive to me, and why its hard to let go, this all makes sense. It has been extremely painful and confusing. I’m constantly asking myself ” Did I actually mean anything to her or was it all a charade? ” She has blocked me everywhere so I cant communicate.. the total silent treatment. The thing is she knows this is extremely painful for me. I keep asking myself “How did I get myself into this?”
Any tips on a type of therapist that I should research that specializes in helping people who have gone through this? I really need to talk to someone.
Thanks again for an amazing article
Although the type of therapist a person with traits of BPD needs is specialized, in order to help a partner of one of these individuals heal from one of these breakups you only need an experienced therapist, not a specialized therapist. Therapy has been shown to be extremely helpful in your situation and can speed up the very long and difficult process of letting go.