Maybe you will find my letter to my abusive ex-girlfriend useful. I saw her again after 20 years with no contact. This is what my heart wants to send. I will cut some of the more accusatory stuff before I do – to make it more rational.

Dear C,

I write the following with no anger and no judgement. I have forgiven you. I also say this privately – I haven’t told anyone else. I would like you to know that I understand what our relationship was really about. That I’m not a naive little boy any more and that I’m not the coward I was.

I knew after we broke up and the drama that followed that I had lost my understanding of who I was. I had lost my self confidence and I didn’t like myself. It seemed bizarre to me was that very attractive girls wanted to be with me immediately after we split. I felt disgusting, dirty. I am glad that, despite being scared and confused, I had enough sense to know that I needed to be alone. I needed to build myself up and that I would become lost in a relationship. I stayed alone for around a year, enjoyed time with friends, parties, clubs, music. It was a great time but I missed my soulmate.

When we left Oxford, I started a PhD in another city. I loved reading the papers, cover to cover, in the way only a student has the time to do. I can still remember being in the college cafe and which table I was sitting at when I read a G2 article about domestic abuse. It was about men abusing women, listing the typical abusive behaviours. The similarities between the cycle of our relationship and abusive ones was shocking. I don’t have the article now – these are descriptions of abusive behaviour from other sources – but they’re close to what that article contained:

+ Before : Abuse is a cycle so the abuser often comes from a series of relationships
+ Start : Idealising / Love-bombing. Abuse can only start once there is a feeling that the relationship is secure so the love-bombing stage is all about building a close relationship as quickly as possible. The abuser:
– Claims immediate infatuation
– Is overly quick to become intimate
– Shares intimate details and experiences of abuse in order to build trust
– Hides their own personality/preferences in order to appear to be the perfect match
+ Middle : Control. Once the abuser has the other person infatuated, they start to exert control and ensure dependency by destroying self-esteem.
– Rage and destruction of property (e.g. throwing my grandads watch out of the window and smashing it when I stayed out drinking with my friend)
– Physical violence (e.g. hitting me on multiple occasions, shouting in my face asking why I don’t hit you)
– De-valuing : The abuser build insecurities in their partner (e.g. Flirting with other men in front of me and behind my back, constantly talking about how much you loved ex-boyfriends
– Cheating : people told me after we split up that you had cheated on me
– Gas-lighting (look it up) : I tried my best to have mature (19 year old) discussions about our problems. Why you were flirting with other boys. Why you had the rage. I wanted to communicate, learn what I had done to hurt you and why you were reacting like this. You would lie. You would pretend none of it happened. You would suggest it was in my imagination and I was the one who was crazy.
– Using others to perpetuate the lies : getting J to lie and cover for you sleeping with other people.
+ End : Punishment and moving on to the next partner
– Sudden break up and moving onto the next relationship with no emotion – We were meant to be a couple – you were at college studying for exams and I was at home. I only found out you were with someone else when I called you and you told me you liked someone else and you were going on a date that evening.
– Malice/Spite – you kept coming into my space with new boyfriends when you could have easily have been discreet. The first time I came back into the college, you were with a new boyfriend as if nothing had happened. And many other of your actions were clearly designed to cause me maximum pain.
– Hoovering – coming back to me when you were scared I was breaking free then breaking off again. You did this multiple times – the worst was just before you went to live in another country, called me round, slept with me and then told me that another boyfriend was coming to visit you.

Reading this in the paper, I realised that happened was not a normal “intimate”, loving relationship between two adults.

I was always vaguely aware that something was very wrong in our relationship. The circular arguments, hitting, flirting with others and so on were not normal. But I always made excuses and hoped it would improve; that you would grow up. The love-bombing had worked. I really thought I had met my soulmate and I felt our relationship was too special to lose. I was too much of a coward to force the conversation with you. I was too scared walk out. I, naively, felt a responsibility towards you. I had promised you that I loved you, that I’d love you forever and I felt that I had to be a man of my word. I’ll ashamedly admit that I began to believe only broken girls who needed my help could possibly be interested in me.

Once I read the article I realised that our relationship wasn’t love; it was abuse. This is hard for you to acknowledge. But it’s the truth – the facts are there and sometimes truth hurts.

The realisation also brought me pain. I felt so ashamed of not walking out. I was ashamed of my naivety and cowardice in the face of the truth. I beat myself up for a while and I hated you for doing that to me. I felt dirty. My skin crawled and I felt physically sick – I now understood that the exact same “intimate” lines you used on me you used on all the others. Word for word. That is so sick. I wasn’t special, the relationship I had cared deeply about was totally fake and my soulmate, who I looked up to and set apart, was just a figment of my imagination. It was a bereavement. My best friend in the world was gone and could never return because she never existed. She would never have done what you did, cheated, demeaned our relationship, deliberately hurt me. I wondered what I had done to deserve to be treated with such cruelty. I couldn’t sleep. If my soulmate could prove to be imaginary, what about my friends? What about my mum, dad and brothers?

The irony of this story of cowardice is that my job is now all about courage in telling people uncomfortable truths. I am a nice person so I do it in a nice way – with humour and kindness. But my job is all about pointing to the elephant in the room we’re all avoiding, bringing up taboo subjects no-one wants to discuss and being blunt. In a strange way, I faced my fears and turned them into my strengths and I’m proud of myself for that.

It was interesting to see you at the reunion. We haven’t spoken in 2 decades. We tried to talk through your fog of booze. What I thought was fascinating was that you showed no apparent awareness of what had really happened between us and looked back “fondly” at an “intimate” relationship of 18 months. You thanked me repeatedly for not hating you. I was a kind, trusting, happy person before I met you. I still am – you didn’t break me. A line that, unsurprisingly, stays with me from A Streetcar Named Desire is “Deliberate cruelty is not forgivable”. I disagree. I don’t hate you or anyone. I’m so sorry for you, that you’re driven by who knows what to be so destructive, vindictive. You were and are beautiful, intelligent, witty, talented – it’s such a waste. You were lucky to be with me. In your own way, I think you understood that. Yet you fucked it up. And then you went straight onto the next boy and the next boy and the next one. You have been constantly hiding from yourself; you have barely been single from aged 15 to 40. You don’t know who you are and you’re too scared to be alone long enough to find out. I don’t hate you, I don’t know who *you* are.

It was disturbing that, 20 years later, a head-teacher, married with children, you still behave in the same way. You asked me to come back to your room. I said no. I initially thought it was my Pip ending (the original one) – that, having fucked it up all those years ago, you were still in love with me but I had moved on. Then I realised you were testing to see if I was still caught up in the lies. I made sure your female friends walked you back to your room. Don’t worry, I didn’t tell anyone about it. It’s your business.

You got so drunk that you were falling over. You were incoherent and repeating the same stories again and again. You apparently tell your husband and children about me which I find disturbing for them. You explained away how you treated me with a vague “I was young and selfish” and “I’ve always like men”. The lack of self-awareness, reflection and growth was a little sad. 3 or 4 people commented to me that you hadn’t changed much as you were struggling to stand up.

This is a delicate subject. And you, of all people, won’t like being confronted with it. I try to say this with no judgement and only observation. I don’t know if you’ve ever talked to anyone about your behaviour and what drives it. I have only mentioned the abusive aspects of our relationship one person in the world – a very close friend of mine who is a clinical psychologist. He doesn’t know you. I wanted to understand what had happened to me. He was the one that explained that, yes, men can also be the victims of abuse. He also explained that abusers often suffer from personality disorders, particularly type B personality disorders. I read a couple chapters in his books on it and some of it looked a lot like you. You may want to talk to someone to understand if there are underlying health issues causing you problems. I’m sure you are more grown up now and I’m sure you love your husband and children. It might be worth talking to someone. After what you did to me many years ago, I understand how appalling a betrayal cheating is. I’m the last person who would cheat so you’re lucky I’m the one you asked to your room. Of course I said no. Someone else may take you up on that and you’ll destroy what you’ve built.

Best of luck,

I dated a women and fell madly in love. She was very passionate right from the start and constantly told me how wonderful I was. We would often never leave my pick up truck and miss the activity we were going to do just because we could not stop kissing. I told her I wanted a commitment and she got defensive then the next day she wanted to be my girl friend after thinking. After that she told me she loved me. I let all my guard down and I felt the same. After two months of an inredibal connection she stared getting distant and wanted to talk. She stared telling me all my weekness. She broke it off. After a few weeks I texted her and asked if she thought of me. then she wrote back a said she did and we got back together, she even made me a romantic picnic, we held each other for hours. We would have long kissing sessions and she would look deep in my eyes. Then all of a sudden she got ovely jelus about my ex wife contacting me about her dads health. Then all of a sudden she went right back to telling me my faults. She got supper cold, broke it off then stared cryed on my shoulders for 30 min. I tryed to be strong and she wanted one last kiss so I gave it to her thinking she would Chang her mind. She did not. Later I tryed talking to her and she replied with really cold messages back. She then blocked me off of face book. I was erased from her life. I found out from mutial friends she said nothing but negative stuff about me. It hurts so much:( its like I will never stop feeling the pain. She told me she never has had a relationship past a few months because she often finds a deal breaker with every guy. I thought I would be different, but was just another victim I guess. She replaced me quickly with another man but I heard she did the same to him. She is 35 years old, very pretty and her life is very together.

Joanna,

Thank you for these posts and this wonderful website. I have spent the past two years devastated due to a divorce from a woman that I now strongly believe had bpd. I wish i could’ve encountered this website months or years before our marriage.

I was married to a doctor w/ bpd, it was her first relationship, she was severely attached to her mother (i suspect her mother has bpd as well, her mother had spent the last 7 years (and probably till today) not talking to four siblings (one living in the same subdivision, three others living in the same city), and my ex’s grandmother, my ex’s mother and her father had a fragile relationship, and my ex seemed like my soulmate early on. My ex from early on was very controlling (i was forced to commit more to her religion & she forced me to abandon a career path), i did not see many of my friends (in her subtle ways she told me who she liked and who she didn’t), i spent a lot of time with her friends, she was constantly by my side (at the gym would continuously follow me around), i did not spend much time with my family (however i spent plenty of time with her family), i developed deep depression and anxiety (heavily medicated) & gained large amounts of weight (50lbs), she was extremely jealous (telling me which women she didnt trust around me & constantly telling me about guys who she dated (it never bothered me about the other guys)), she was abusive (emotionally & physically) to me and herself (at times she would hit herself). Eventually, at the very end i became verbally abusive, and one night after she forced me to listen an illegal recording made (months earlier, kept around for a time in which she believed she was losing control of me) of my mother by her mother and sister to catch my mother’s lies i had a breakdown (i broke things in the house (she was not there), i left with the intention of suicide, but fortunately i was pulled over speeding, and escorted home. She immediately filed for divorce (she initially told me gather my things, told me she would consider letting me back, but her mother ended up coming to live with her (which closed any reconciliation), she locked me out of the house (even when she told me to gather my things on a particular day & time, i came to do so, and she changed her mind, so i needed to use police entry), and she said i was abusive in the proceedings. The irony of it all was she was attempting to get a religious contract (she spent countless times forging this contract and in the end she spent more money on the pretrail divorce proceedings than the contract itself was worth) enforced to get money while claiming abuse, i asked to settle 3x, she accepted the 3rd one after a lengthy divorce (meanwhile she spent the time parading around town, defaming me, using my business’s competitor (when asked, she said it made her feel good to know it was hurting my business), draining our bank accounts, blaming me for everything, posting a one wedding anniversary party on social media (set her profile pic as her celebrating it on our exact anniversary date with it), at divorce proceedings she wouldnt look at me (however she gained drastic amounts of weight too), and finally creating a profile within months of filing of our divorce on a religious matrimonial site where she found & is currently dating her current prince charming (he seems like a nicer guy than me; caters to her every need and his family is religious & excited that their son is marrying a doctor; so they are involved as well (albeit his family has history with domestic violence; his sister was recently arrested for one against her husband & currently in divorce proceedings)). She ended up spending more money on the divorce proceedings than what she received (yes, i gave her a small amount of money because i needed her out of our relationship). I was angry throughout the ordeal (she told me to go to anger management for any hopes of reconciliation, i did, and i’m a lot better today). She told my anger management therapist that i was at fault for everything, my therapist told her it takes two, she refused to believe so (my therapist told her that she suspects that my ex has some serious problems), she wouldnt tell me she loved me directly, but she told my therapist she loved me very much, and told her that she knew i would seek closure from her, but she would refuse to give it to many no matter how much i apologized because it was something i wanted. I last saw her at a concert, where she made it a point to walk by me (not looking at me) with her new bf (same one from divorce; i received a dirty look from him), and i did nothing (i didnt look at her or chase).

Additionally, her mother played a big role in our relationship (although her mother’s own relationship with her husband was non-existent). She had this false sense of insecurity from her mother (largely from her mother’s doing), that her father would leave her mother again and without anything (her parents attempted divorce when she was a child, but reconciled for the children’s sake).

I spent the last few years since the divorce working on myself, i managed to finish grad school, i dropped the massive weight gain, i reconnected with friends & my interests, dating again, im free of my antidepressants and anti-psych meds. However, i’ve been left the last few weeks wondering if she loved me, wanting closure (i have been good and stuck to no contact (contacted her once accidentally via text since the divorce & the cyber-stalking no longer exists), why did she continue such a divorce if she already was dating someone else, and finally what does this new guy have that i do not (i know it sounds superficial, in reality most people have sad he has nothing, but she can control him for the time being). It wasnt until i unlocked your website, that i realized all along what was really going on. For a while, I thought this was strictly someone obsessed with power and control, but now i understand it runs deeper. In many ways this website is providing me with the closure i so seek, and im starting to rationalize the closure withn myself.

thank you very much,

My ex of ten years dumped me for a guy that took over my job after I was layed off. She wanted an open relationship and we both would not tell girls that we were in a relationship to try to lure them into a threesome. She was allowed to go on dates and kiss girls. Then when I did it I was screamed at yelled at right after she had said the prospect turned her on! She was always getting involved with scams I would warn her about and said she needed to “see for herself” rather than listen to me and avoid trouble. She would fight kick bite and scream pinning me down if she didn’t get her way , or liked what she was hearing or was jealous of someone else’s accomplishment. Or if I would try to end conflicts between she and her mother she would bit scratch and scream derogatory insults. She would cry and fall to the floor calling herself a “broken doll” I paid her rent gas food for 8 years so she could pursue a career in acting. I layed over her body when there were shootouts with police and criminals in our neighborhood and she said ” i would not have done the same for you” She would say that she was poly-amorous and that its normal then when i said to a girl i loved her she was pissed off.I am now living with her and she fights and argues with me kicking me out of her bed and asking me back in it then threat I have to live with her because I never saved money the entire relationship and spent it all on her. She future faked and said we were going to get married and go on a vacation and we never did she dumped me for a complete psychopath who tried to kill her. She is constantly sarcastic , sharp tongued, mean and accusatory, she accuses me of things I do not do. She berates belittles and thinks this is ok but will not accept any form of criticism. She is now successful because of all the years I paid her rent so she could pursue her goals. She always says that she is seen as a” bitch” by people and everyone in her home town hates her. I defended her for years only to find she is terrible! She called me racial slurs several times in the relationship and after the breakup justifying it by saying she was “influenced” by the guy she dumped me for yet says that the way I handled the open relationship by lying to a cpl of girls i hung out with about being in a relationship. Even though she did it too, was my adult responsibility and problem and there is no way that I could have been influenced by her. She would argue back and forth to herself about how she wanted to handle the open relationship. Then she would get angry when I would say lets just be monogamous because I do not want this to cause problems to our relationship. She would always get into spats with security guards and people in authority positions unless they were a professor for some reason. She was always being overly dramatic and loves to escalate problems. Recently I went to a netowkring event texted her at 1 am and I knew she had said that she was tired and would go to sleep early so after i texted her after one i did not want to wake her up well when I came at 4 she raged and sent a barrage of texts stating her anger I tried to explain that I had texted her did not receive a response and that my phone was dying.The next day she raged and said she no longer wanted to get back together and i cant sleep in her bed. She made my life a living hell then researched who I was networking with then NETWORKED with them! Tried to sell them some of her products. It was really odd. What do you make of all of this?

Hi Joanna,

today, I had a “downer” and started to read your blog posts again – Thank you very, very much for you blog. Besides gettin better that’s – as I think – the most helpful resource on the internet. Every time I get a down feeling (like once every or every two weeks), I am going through your blog posts. I can really encourage you to keep on wirting – you make the place to a better world for survivors like us. Bless you.

Anyway, I have one more question:
Do you know any long lasting BPD relationships ? I always ask myself how those would look like – what kind of man should it be ? For me it’s like a lose – lose game.

You don’t pay attention to her drama, to her controlling, abusive behaviour -> she punishes you by telling you how cold and distract you are.

You show affection, teling her that you miss her and that you will do everything for her -> she punishes you by saying “you do not mean it, it’s fake, it’s not geniune”.

Even if you devote your life – and hell pleas no guy should ever do that to any kind of women – yourself to her totally, it will crash – that’s at least my impression.

What’s yours ?