Identifying Traits of BPD In Women
Before Relationship Commitment
In this blog post we are going to be answering a very important question. Can a man who has been through a breakup with a woman with traits of BPD, or borderline personality disorder, recognize the traits in the next woman he dates so he can ensure he never has to repeat this experience again.
The answer to this question is actually much more complicated than a simple yes or no. Borderline personality disorder exists on a spectrum with only the most extreme cases qualifying a woman for diagnosis.
But there are countless other women who possess the character traits of BPD who don’t qualify for the disorder. These women only engage in the negative behaviors associated with this disorder in their relationships. And there are some women with personality traits associated with BPD who don’t engage in these negative behaviors at all.
Anyone who has broken up with a woman who possesses these traits will probably recognize them in their full-blown state. But in order to predict whether a woman will engage in these behaviors before a relationship commitment it may be necessary to recognize them in what we will be labeling for the purposes of this blog post their dormant phase.
In this blog post you are going to learn how to identify the three personality traits that when in combination make women in relationships susceptible to behaviors associated with BPD whether they have the disorder or not.
We will then address the environmental factors that can wake up these traits from their dormant phase. You will then learn how to identify the type of woman who does not possess this cluster of personality traits. These women may have their share of personal problems, but they will not go through the same Dr. Jekyll-Mr. Hyde type of transformation associated with BPD.
There is truly no fail-safe way to guard against the possibility that a future girlfriend will turn against you once you open yourself completely to her. But by learning how to identify these traits in their dormant phase you can significantly lower the chances of repeating this unfortunate experience.
We are going to start off by looking at a list of negative behaviors that women with these character traits may engage in within their romantic relationships regardless of whether they qualify for the diagnosis. To see the list, please click the link below:
List of Negative Behaviors In Romantic Relationships Associated with BPD
Now that you are familiar with the behaviors that are associated with women with traits of BPD in romantic relationships, Let’s take a look at the most extreme version of these traits so you can understand what causes this disorder in its diagnosable form.
Genetic Factors of BPD
The disorder of BPD develops based on the presence of genetic tendencies or susceptibilities. These tendencies present in the form of emotional sensitivities that cause difficulties in the area of bonding. In order to make it easier for you to identify a woman who possesses these tendencies, we are going to categorize them into three personality traits.
Tendency No. 1: Being Afraid of Negative Judgment
The way we are going to define the first trait associated with BPD is as a sensitivity to negative judgment. This sensitivity about how others feel about her will extend into every area of a woman’s life. But the way it manifests the most intensely will be in romantic relationships.
To put it simply, women with this trait or tendency feel intense insecurity over their romantic partner’s ability to care about them. This extreme sensitivity causes them to believe their partners are capable of great betrayal. They fear their partner is either going to take advantage of them, humiliate them or abandon them.
Because all human beings are social creatures, we all have a built-in fear of rejection. We all sit somewhere on the scale of sensitivity to rejection from those who are very thin-skinned to those that can let rejection roll off them like water from a duck’s back. A woman with this trait of BPD would be considered emotionally thin-skinned.
Tendency No. 2: High setting of Emotionality
The second tendency is the trait of a setting of high emotionality. An expression we typically use for this trait is emotionally high-strung. We are each born with a certain emotionality setting. A person with low emotionality might experience daily emotional ups and downs that if put on a chart might look sort of like a flat-line on a heart monitor. Unless there is something really good or really bad going on, people with low emotionality are in a fairly neutral emotional state.
If a person with high emotionality charted their emotions, the end result may look more like a roller coaster with lots of highs and lows even when there is nothing particularly good or bad going on that day.
One of the hallmarks of BPD-associated behaviors is emotional dysregulation. Emotional dysregulation is sometimes defined as heightened intensity of emotions and the inability to control behaviors when experiencing emotional distress. Women with the character trait of a high emotional setting are naturally very susceptible to emotional dysregulation.
Tendency No. 3: Romantic Idealization
We all know what romantic idealization looks like because it is a tendency that is encouraged in women in many cultures. Although we often believe that idealization of romantic love is harmless, when it comes to relationships it is anything but.
Many women who idealize a love interest end up devaluing their partner after the honeymoon phase of the relationship ends. Since no man can live up to an idealized version of himself, most women who idealize are eventually disappointed.
When a woman’s respect is based on an idealized version of her mate, the mere presence of human flaws can trigger disrespect. If a woman with this trait is not mature enough to recognize her tendency to idealize, she may begin a phase of devaluation of her partner that can last the duration of the relationship.
All three of the traits in this cluster can cause problems for women in relationships. But it is the combination of these traits that cause the complex negative behavior pattern most men experience from women with traits of BPD in their relationships.
Now that we have identified each individual trait, we’ll look at what happens when all three of these traits are present at once. We’ll start with the very weakest version of this cluster of traits. In its weakest form, this cluster of traits can be beneficial. When these tendencies are present in their weakest form, we will have a woman with qualities of caring, warmth and emotional sensitivity.
This woman will have strong interest in being emotionally connected to her romantic partner. She will be extra sensitive to a man’s emotions and probably quite empathetic to his needs. This triad of traits in its weakest state produces qualities that can spell out a very promising relationship partner for most men. Women with a very weak version of these traits may not experience problems in their relationship due to these traits.
But when we imagine these qualities in their extreme form we begin to see a very different personality type emerging. If a woman is too sensitive to negative judgment we see a person who takes everything we do and say personally, who feels criticized over any disagreement and who fears rejection so much she sees the potential for betrayal in her partner’s every move.
When we add in high emotionality to someone already very sensitive to being taken advantage of, being humiliated or being abandoned, we may end up with a woman who instigates conflict. When her emotions get too high, she will enter a state of emotional dysregulation where she believes everything she feels no matter how irrational it may seem to others.
When we introduce romantic idealization into this already toxic mix we get a woman who enters a cycle of desperate need for closeness followed by giving her partner the boot when her fear of being taken advantage of, humiliated or being abandoned takes over. This triad of traits in their strongest form can lead a woman into episodes of rage, destructive impulsivity and relationship betrayal.
When this triad of traits is either too strong or the woman also has abuse or trauma in her early childhood or early adulthood, she may find herself in too much pain to function normally. Once these traits lead to dysfunction in everyday life, a diagnosis of borderline personality may be made.
If you know the history surrounding a woman with a strong version of these traits, someone you suspect could have the disorder of BPD, the tell-tale signs of BPD will be observable. Women with this disorder tend to leave a path of destruction towards themselves and towards others behind them.
But a woman with moderate traits associated with BPD may not have a negative history at all. Her traits may lay dormant until an outside circumstance triggers them into life. Let’s now take a look at the environmental triggers that can activate the negative aspect of these traits in their moderate form.
Trigger No. 1:
Romantic Intimacy
The most common trigger for women with moderate traits associated with BPD is romantic intimacy. They become triggered from the realization that they are vulnerable and can be easily hurt by their relationship partner. This realization is often delayed because the obsession with romantic love is powerful enough to overcome their fear of intimacy for quite a long time.
The defining issue for women with this cluster of traits will always center around her ability to trust her romantic partner. The most common trigger pattern for these women is as follows:
1. Her obsession with romance will fuel idealization that leads her to think a man is the perfect partner who will be incapable of hurting her.
2. Her idealization phase will wear off and her oversensitivity to negative judgment will trigger her into believing he is going to take advantage of her, humiliate her or abandon her.
3. She will become emotionally dysregulated due to high emotionality and will come to believe that her fears are real.
All of the negative behaviors that her relationship partner experiences after getting too close to her are simply defensive coping strategies designed to protect her from the mistaken belief that her partner does not have good intentions and is planning to hurt her.
Many of these women have no idea why they have the urge to put their partners down or why they keep feeling surges of anger that result in ugly episodes. Not being aware of their relationship insecurity, most of them just assume that their partner must be doing something wrong to deserve their anger.
The next factor we will look at which can cause moderate traits of BPD to emerge during a relationship has to do with a cluster of traits. But it is not the woman’s traits we will be addressing but the traits in her male partner. There are certain personality traits in a man that can be the trigger that causes a woman with traits of BPD to engage in negative behaviors toward him.
The cluster of traits in her partner that can trigger negative behavior is what we might call the personality traits of a nice guy. Let’s take a look at why this cluster of traits in men so often brings traits associated with BPD to life.
Trigger No. 2:
The Traits of a Nice Guy
It may be surprising to hear that qualities we consider positive in a man could trigger negative behaviors of BPD. To understand why treating a woman with traits of BPD well can cause her to treat you poorly we need to take a closer look at the characteristics of a nice guy.
There are many men and women who are naturally capable of trusting others. They tend to be very non-confrontational and peaceloving individuals who are quite comfortable with intimacy. Their personality type allows them to trust others easily, and they do not have a great deal of fear around being controlled or taken advantage of.
Men with this nice-guy combination of traits generally do not feel any need to be dominant in their romantic relationships. They are interested in connection rather than control. They are protective and supportive of their relationship partners, and it doesn’t occur to them that they would need to have the upper hand.
In a sense we could say the nice guy is the virtual opposite of the woman with traits of BPD. In comparison with the nice-guy type, a women with moderate traits of BPD will be plagued with insecurity within her relationship. She will experience a chronic sense of powerlessness and a constant fear of being taken advantage of by her partner. Her feelings of helplessness and vulnerability will drive her to continually want to gain the upper hand.
The way people who have fear of being controlled by others gain the upper hand is very often by putting others down. They do this as a defensive strategy to get back a feeling of power when they feel too vulnerable.
But putting others down depends on a certain amount of cooperation from the person whose self esteem they are trying to lower. A person with a nice guy personality is naturally open to his partner. This vulnerability allows a woman with moderate traits of BPD to exploit his good nature.
Let’s now take a look at a third factor that can trigger a woman with moderate traits of BPD into life. We’re going to take a look at the environmental factor of social status.
Trigger No. 3:
Social Status
Having high status, either through beauty, birthright, or the influence of a narcissistic social environment, can instill a false sense of entitlement or superiority in a woman with moderate traits of BPD. This false sense of entitlement can easily lead her to believe she is deserving of special privileges.
Women with moderate traits of BPD who are afforded special privileges are especially susceptible to engaging in negative behaviors in their relationships. Their natural tendencies are often dampened because these behaviors are considered anti-social and unacceptable in everyday society.
These women may not believe they have to follow the same rules as others which frees them from such social restrictions. This freedom can cause them to engage in negative behaviors towards men before relationship commitment.
Most men who are seeking a healthy relationship know to steer clear of these entitled women, but for completeness sake, here is a list of behaviors of high-status women with moderate traits of BPD:
Early signs of jealousy
Reports of mood changes or moodiness
Early signs of inappropriate anger
Testing you to see if you will submit to her wishes
Expression of judgment, anger or blame at her previous relationship partners
Interest in alcohol-fueled activities
An expectation that you financially provide for her early in the relationship
Reversion to childlike behaviors
Controlling or dominating behaviors
Possessiveness or acting demanding
Reports of volatile relationships from her past
Excessive texting or complaints about response to texting
The last area we will be looking at is the most difficult to predict in women with any version of this triad of traits. We are going to address how divorce can trigger revenge in women who have traits of BPD.
Trigger No. 4:
Divorce
Almost all people suffer from bouts of humiliation when going through the process of divorce. But women with traits of BPD may have extreme reactions to divorce that can cause them to act out their revenge fantasies regardless of the consequences. They may launch smear campaigns designed to ruin their partner’s reputation in his community or at his employment.
Hundreds of thousands of dollars of legal costs can be incurred if a woman with traits of BPD decides to drag her ex to court over minor issues. Women with BPD may also find that family court is a viable outlet for their victimhood. Accusations of abuse towards an ex as a form of revenge is a common form of BPD behavior associated with divorce.
But the most damaging form of divorce revenge is known as parental alienation where one parent turns the child against the other parent. Most of us are aware of how easy it is to influence a child. Without doing or saying anything outright, a parent can easily communicate their feelings towards their ex to their child.
Children are extraordinarily vulnerable to expectations of loyalty. Parental alienation is a very easy and convenient way for a woman with traits of BPD to inflict the most painful kind of punishment imaginable on her ex.
Because so many people who don’t have traits of BPD find themselves unable to remain emotionally regulated during a divorce, it may not be possible to predict whether a woman with these traits, even in their weakest form can stay regulated enough to resist divorce revenge.
Now that you have a clearer concept of the traits of BPD and the circumstances that can trigger negative behaviors in romantic relationships, let’s turn our attention to those women who do not possess traits of BPD.
Women Without Traits of BPD
Let’s first define what we mean by a woman without traits of BPD. All human beings are at least a little sensitive to what others think about them, especially in their relationships. We are all also susceptible to occasional high emotions. And all of us may idealize when we fall in love. When we refer to women without these traits we are really referring to women who have less sensitivity in this area than the average woman.
In order to be able to identify a woman who does not possess this cluster of traits we need take a close look at how personality traits usually present in both men and women. We will find that women with traits of BPD have an unusually strong concentration of female character traits. Women who don’t have traits of BPD generally have a more balanced combination of mostly female but also some male characteristics.
Although the idea of having character traits more common in the other gender might seem alarming, it is important to note that we all possess a combination of male and female traits. These traits may influence our behavior slightly, but we have a lot of free will in how we express ourselves. We also have the ability to develop different sides of our personality. For this reason no one but us has to know our true ratio of male and female traits.
You may not see any noticeable difference in a woman with traits of BPD compared to one without them. However, just as we can find clues that lead us to identify a woman with these traits, we can also look for clues that identify a woman without them.
In order for you to be able to more clearly identify women without traits of BPD, we are going to look at an imaginary spectrum of common female characteristics on one side and common male personality characteristics on the other side.
What we are going to find is that the farther over to the left side or female side we go, the more interest and sensitivity we will find around bonding. As we move farther out to the right side or the male side of the spectrum, we will begin to find less interest and even insensitivity to bonding.
You will notice that at the extreme right side of this imaginary spectrum we have the condition of autism. Although autism is not a condition related to BPD, it is a condition that happens to include very little interest in bonding and often a low emotionality. It is on this spectrum to help you to better understand the full range of human interest in bonding.
As you can see on this diagram, the place on the spectrum that a woman without traits of BPD usually sits is somewhere in the middle. Compared with most females she may have a lower than average emotionality, a lower than average interest in all things romantic, and a reasonably thick skin when it comes to rejection.
She may be a little more rational and even-keeled than most women. You may notice that she may not seem as empathetic as many woman are, and she not be initially as warm and inviting as you may be used to.
There may be less passion, excitement and less sexual chemistry since a woman who does not have traits of BPD will not be driven by intense emotions. You will probably notice her taking a step-by-step approach to get to know you and establish trust before she declares you the love of her life.
On paper this type of woman might seem perfect for a man who has been through the ringer in a relationship with a woman with traits of BPD. It may seem like a no-brainer to make the decision to rule out all women with even the weakest traits of BPD and simply choose a woman who doesn’t have traits of this disorder in any combination. But there is one more challenge that can add complexity to this seemingly simple decision.
Sexual Attraction and Women With Traits of BPD
We have been talking about traits of BPD in women. But there is another area we need to address in order for you to have all the information you need to make safe and healthy choices in selecting your next relationship partner. There are a few universal male personality traits that can make staying out of relationships with women with traits of BPD more difficult than you may think.
The truth is, the traits that make women susceptible to behaviors associated with BPD are actually behaviors that most men find very attractive, even in their most extreme form and even when a man knows for a fact that they will lead to relationship pain. We will find that even though we may wish our instinctual drives would correspond with common sense, the magnetic appeal of sexual chemistry can often overpower our intellect.
Therefore in order to understand the role of instinct when it comes to attraction to women with traits of BPD, we need to take a closer look at how male and female personality traits affect our behavior when it comes to romantic and sexual attraction.
The difference between men and women on a physical level can be easily identified through the observation of sex organs. But the differentiation between a male and female based on their behavioral traits is not so cut and dried. Although most of us inherit our male and female behavioral traits in a common cluster, there are often slight variations, occasional mishmashes and even reversals of male and female characteristics.
But there are also examples of people with high concentrations of male or female traits that we may not have the ability to map scientifically but which we all seem to recognize from simple observation.
In order to identify a high concentration of male and female traits, let’s first take a look at a list of what most of us would consider common male and female behavioral characteristics.
Common Male Behavioral Traits:
Independence
Rule Breaker
Leadership
Dominance
Hierarchy
Low Emotionality
Efficient
Stoical
Protective
Breadwinner
Competitive
Relaxed
Tough
Common Female Behavioral Traits:
Connection
Bonding
Nurturing
Caretaking
Sensitive
Loving
Maternal
Mediator
Peacemaker
Fussy
Inclusive
Delicate
We may not know exactly what causes some men and women to have extremely strong expressions of male or female behavioral characteristics. But one thing many people know from experience is that an overabundance of these characteristics can be too much of a good thing when it comes to relationships.
Let’s now take a look at what happens in individuals who have excessive abundance of male and female behavioral characteristics:
Excessive Male Behavioral Traits
Independence——————Lack of Intimacy
Rule Breaker——————–Criminality
Leadership———————–Control
Dominance———————–Oppression
Hierarchy————————-Narcissistic Behavior
Low Emotionality————–Lack of Empathy
Efficient—————————Inflexible
Stoical—————————–Distant
Protective————————Jealous
Breadwinner——————–Status Seeker
Competitive———————Uncaring
Relaxed————————–Sloppy
Tough—————————-Mean-spirited
Excessive Female Behavioral Traits:
Connection———————-Fear of conflict
Bonding————————–Over-sensitivities to threats to relationships
Nurturing————————Lack of independence
Caretaking———————-Invasive
Sensitive————————-Thin-skinned
Loving—————————-Smothering
Maternal————————-Over-protective
Mediator————————-Doormat
Peacemaker——————–Submissive
Fussy—————————–Controlling
Delicate————————–Weak
As you can see, even in this very basic list of common characteristics there is a negative aspect to most of these traits in too strong a concentration. Yet interestingly enough, no matter how clearly we may be able to see that people with strong concentrations of male or female characteristics are bound to cause trouble in our relationships, we seem to find ourselves irresistibly attracted to them.
Since attraction is one of the most important criteria in most men’s choice of female partner, knowing that the very traits you might want to avoid in a relationship partner could also be those that you find the most attractive can be helpful in understanding your past choices and may help guide you in the future.
But it is not only the animal magnetism of strong female traits that influences male attraction to women with traits of BPD. Just like men with strong male characteristics seem to know how to show off their assets to their advantage when around women, women with strong combinations of female characteristics have a very high aptitude for presenting themselves in exactly the way that will draw a man to her.
One of this ways that this high aptitude can present itself in women with traits of BPD is through sexual behavior. We commonly hear from men who have been trying to move on from relationships with women with traits of BPD that one of the reasons they feel they cannot let go is the powerful sexual chemistry that existed between them.
But what they may not realize is that women with pronounced traits of BPD are intuitively able to mirror many types of preferences, particularly male sexual preferences. Sexual chemistry, even if created through mirroring, can produce a powerful bond which can make a relationship with a woman with traits of BPD very difficult to let go of.
Realizing that female hypersexuality may not be the best indicator of sexual compatibility can allow you to understand why your bond was so strong and also may allow you to pay attention to a possible cautionary sign in the future.
Romantic Attraction and Women With Traits of BPD
The final area we are going to be covering in this blog post has to do with another natural tendency in some men. Just as we may talk about a woman with BPD idealizing her future love interest, there is also a level of idealizing that some men engage in that they may be unaware of when choosing their romantic partners.
This form of idealizing does not seem to come from childhood issues or personality traits. It may simply be caused by the powerful chemistry that is set off by visual cues in the male brain. Interestingly enough, we are not talking about sexual cues. They would be more accurately defined as romantic cues.
The initially observable qualities that may set off this chemical reaction of romantic feelings are often described as impressions that a woman might give off. They may be impressions of vulnerability and sensitivity, of kindness and warmth. But sometimes the mere presence of female beauty will create an impression that this woman also possesses the rest of the package that a man is looking for.
This form of instant assessment without a careful vetting process can leave men very vulnerable to exploitation by women with strong motivation to present themselves well but who may lack the internal qualities to match the outer package. It may be important before you embark on the process of choosing a relationship partner to think back to exactly what it was that made you feel like the woman with traits of BPD was the right person for you.
Many men in retrospect will say what made them choose her was the feeling they got when they were with her. They usually describe it as the most intense feeling they have ever had with a woman or the most exciting feeling or the most deeply connected feeling.
Although the feelings you get in a new relationship may be very enjoyable, they are not an appropriate barometer for compatibility in a relationship. We usually hear this advice given to women, but it is important for men to also remember to look beyond the emotional impressions that a women you are interested in gives off.
Careful and sober exploration of compatibility that relies on shared beliefs, values and goals and an assessment of relationship skills need to be undertaken in order to ensure that your emotions are not negatively influencing your relationship choices.
Related Posts:
Did Your Ex-Girlfriend Have Traits Of Borderline Personality Disorder?
Women With Traits of BPD – Why Did She Lie?
BPD and the Nice Guy Personality Type
Did Your Ex-Girlfriend Have Traits of BPD: How to Let Go of the Good Times
Romantic Idealization And Devaluation In Women With Traits of BPD
Women With Traits of BPD – Why Men Stay
Note To Readers: I’d like to take a moment to thank all of you who have taken the time to post in my comments section. Your questions, opinions and personal stories form an invaluable contribution to this important discussion.
If you would like to learn the Nicola Method so you can put an end to the high conflict situations you may be experiencing, click on this link to the welcome page of this website where you will find the resources you need.
If you want to try out some of the basic techniques of this method for free to see if this method is right for your situation, you can learn them from an intro guide flip-book here or a PDF version of the intro guide here.
Excellent article. I divorced a woman with BPD six years ago and immediately found another that I am in the process of leaving. It has been a very difficult personal journey to understand how my problems have led me to a lifetime of choosing the wrong romantic partners. I have voraciously read everything I can find on NPD since my ex and my current share the traits and now it looks like I am diving into BPD. Your very well written and concise blog has finally filled in the missing pieces of NPD for me.
Mike, I’m so glad this blog post was helpful for you. Best of luck with healing from this experience.
Thank you for your insightful and comprehensive posts. BPD is now more often posted about and raised on the net. These relationships are frequently highly damaging to the male partner in many ways and for the long term. Your articles are vital for men to read as they are less likely to seek external help with relationship problems.
The list of behaviors of high-status women with moderate traits of BPD includes “An expectation that you financially provide for her early in the relationship”. Why? What does it have to do with BPD?
Ron, there are several answers to your question. Traits of BPD seem to give the individual a great deal of doubt in all areas of their lives. Partners of women with traits of BPD notice this extreme doubt when it comes to the woman’s belief in the strength of the relationship or their doubt about their partner’s commitment to it. But women with traits of BPD tend to place doubt on their own abilities as much as they doubt others. This can cause a fear of taking on any responsibilities. To avoid their fear of personal failure they very often look for someone to take care of their physical needs as well as their emotional needs which may be observed as a red flag at the beginning of one of these relationships.
Expecting a partner to take care of her financial needs early in a relationship can also be a test of the partner’s ability to commit to them. And because a person with traits of BPD often has traits of narcissism, they may feel entitled to be treated in a royal way which often entails all of their financial needs being taken care of by their partner.
I’m glad you brought up the sexual element of the BPD relationship. When thinking back to the honeymoon phase of my relationship (my first and only adult relationship, in fact), I can’t help but be blown away by the sexually liberating nature of the experience. Being a very hyper-sexual person myself, it seemed that I had found the jackpot when I met a completely gorgeous woman who was equally interested in being with me. The only thing that never suffered in our relationship was the sex, down to the last emotionally draining day. This relationship has been painfully traumatizing for me. I am now almost 3 months out and articles like this do provide me some hope that things will normalize one day. Wish me luck.
Joanna, are you NPD?
Your thoughts and information are uncharacteristic for one of the female gender (or even 99.999% of us unfeeling men).
Half of this stuff is far beyond what I personally could come up with. However, it is as understood as Sam Vaknin understands narcissism. It’s almost robotic.
Serious question, that will not change how I view the information.
Justin, I don’t believe anyone who knows me personally would say I have narcissistic personality traits or tendencies. I think what you may be picking up in my writing style is my choice to be as neutral as possible in passing on my observations of a very emotionally-charged subject matter.
I initially struggled to figure out what kind of voice I should use to translate my teaching into written form, but because my perspective comes from more of a nature than nurture viewpoint, I decided to use what I would call a “Science Channel” writing style rather than the feel-good style that those who come from more of a nurture viewpoint tend to write in.
I’m a recovering BPD person who, with meds and coping techniques, is moving towards stability. It was awful in my 20s and early 30s, but now in my 40s I’m more mellow and less prone to lay waste to my life or anyone else’s. I feel lucky I’ve made it this far, given the rate of suicide among those with BPD. I hope to continue getting better and hope a loving relationship with someone is possible.
congratulations! good work on your recovery!
Wow. That was interesting and I appreciate the manner in which you presented the information, unique! So let’s giggle at my BPD while I poke fun at myself because on a previous page, and I can’t recall the exact words, I got slightly offended when you said about “spotting” BPD’s to prevent another painful relationship. I thought I wish she would… keep is single! What are we a danger to dating? And then i giggled as I thought well, would you like to date you pre DBT therapy? Yes, you better warn them lol! Some are sicker than others of course. We aren’t all impossible to be in relationship with. I had many successful relationships long term, however, it was pretty impossible to find the “right” for for me when I had no identity myself and I wasn’t healthy enough for a true loving commitment that I guess comes a bit easier to my non PD counterparts. I existed most my life in the most severe spectrum of BPD and I gotta tell ya I assure anyone in relationship with a BPD that I know your pain is valid especially when you love a narcissistic BPD type, and maybe they suffer less because they tend to hurt others, idk… what I do know is the empath type like myself, holy suffering. I can’t even express what the agony is like for a BPD everyday. You pretty much feel empty and worthless, filled with self loathing and despair, always open to the possibility of unexpected death because living hurts. Luckily I am way to chicken for suicide, but I did passively aggressively (we are good at that haha) try to drink and drug myself to death so I guess that was some effort. Anyway I don’t suffer anymore pretty much at all, I feel pain and the normal emotions probably more Intensely than non BPD’s, but DBT has taught me how to control any crazy that goes on inside three years later I stay calm even during conflict, only engage in rational communication, and keep my emotions in check because my dignity and self respect has more value then my anger. I usually don’t wanna hurt anyone anyway because I am an empath to the core which I’m thankful for because the pain I did cause was mostly to myself. Of course, you can’t be that borderline and not have collateral damage, but in relationships with men, I can only remember once where I did the idealize devalue crap. I stumbled on this site because I have noticed in dating recently that I’m attracting individuals who idealize and devalue me and I’m telling them things that should likely make them run, including my BPD on one occasion and my three DUI’s lol. I am very real and open and will FaceTime with my hair a mess and tell them how I’m so clumsy and I walk into walls and somehow on the pedestal I go and wait for my eventual dethroning. I know I am pretty and I like to look nice and I know that I have a unique personality, charisma and an energy that draws people to me like magnets. All people, any age. I love that because people enjoy me. And yes the whole BPD sex appeal thing and the reputation of being excellent lovers is totally true lol. Raw sexuality, I think the no boundaries thing helps us develop that, well me at least. And here’s the thing, since I have gotten healthy and spent three years alone just working on my relationship with me, I started dating and am attracting people with significant MH issues and the idealize, devalue, discard theme is very prominent in my life. I can sympathize with those of you who have suffered in relationships with BPD individuals because I gotta tell ya, I landed myself a full blown psychopath this past winter and wanna talk about a disturbing experience. Geez! I was so off balance I lost 20 lbs in five weeks and had no idea why I felt on edge or why there was a knot in my stomach constantly whether he was around or not. It was so uncomfortable. And I didn’t believe it to be related to him. I stated to doubt myself and feel on high alert toward the end and I still didn’t correlate it with him necessarily but I knew that he was connected to that feeling eventually and broke it off and by god the next day i felt almost normal. See I had never developed that core, that gut instinct that people have because I didn’t have an identity until 40 so all the bells and whistles that come with a sense of self that warn people of danger are new to me and I understand now that my core was screaming to run because, no offense to my NPD counterparts, I was raised by a soul crushing narcissist so I can pick them out fairly quick, the threatening ones at least, but I had never encountered a psychopath nor did I realize they were akin to NPD’s but amplified like narcissism on mega steroids, but with no soul or substance for that extra unsettling feeling lol. Empath that I am I feel badly for them because I know to some extent what emptiness feels like and i was lucky enough to develop and identity and no matter how hard they try they will always be hallow. Sadly for us, they will use people as prey to give them the illusion of life. Well lemme tell you, I could sense his disdain for humanity in general almost immediately. But I didn’t believe it rationally because I had never felt that vibe from anyone. What is this? I was intrigued because he was rare, and sexy as hell, sarcastic but I could also tell he was very cynical. He seemed grumpy but fun and attracted to my energy, almost captivated, and marveled at my kindness to everyone for no reason. It baffles him lol. But I also felt like he could sense the empath in me and was attracted to it but yet disgusted by it lol. Weirdest damn paradox of insanity ever between us. He asked what I’m going to school for and I said human services because I want to help people who cant help themselves and advocate for repressed and marginalized societies. And for some reason I thought to myself, omg this guy has total contempt for your passion and I feel like he would rather watch a man drown then bother to take off his shoes to save him. True story, the exact thought I had and it was bizarre because that was new. Never looked at someone’s face and felt that they wouldn’t mind watching someone die. I wondered if I was delusional because people aren’t like this. I mean Ted Bundy maybe but this guy seems ok. So ok yeah let’s date him because why not? What’s the worst that could happen? Well, I imagine he lets me drown lol. So I ignored all of it as probably just nonsense because like I said, my consciousness hadn’t learned at that point that my core knew the truth my mind couldn’t see. But omg there was something between us, pure magnetism that was raw and I had a feeling he’d likely be the best bad decision of 2016 and true to form, He was lol. As a lover, I have got to say that they put everyone on this planet to shame. My therapist suggested it was a known thing that borderlines and psychopaths are amazing together because it’s intense emotion meets devoid of emotion. Anyway, this was my first dance with idealization and it was weird because he was relentlessly perusing me at first and honestly when I would start dating someone historically it was always intense and then I usually was with them for years so I assumed this was maybe this was a potential relationship. So for the first few weeks, I really liked him because he was fun and we liked music and movies but he had empty eyes that haunted me. I loved to look in them when he wasn’t looking but when he returned my stare I couldn’t look long because it literally scared me. It was like they were dark murky windows to nothing and no where. I often stared at them and at him because I couldn’t find a way to connect with him like everyone else, ever. I can find something inside every human being, even NPD’s that I can just barely tolerate. No offense, not all of them, just the real invalidating ones but that’s my trauma issues lol. I have never encountered a human or animal that i can’t identify with or latch onto, connect in some way that I can feel the other person but there was nothing of substance for me to connect to in him. What?? One day a few weeks into seeing me he finally looked at me and said “stop looking for it because you aren’t gonna find it, I don’t have it”. And I said looking for what? And he said “you know what I mean and I’m sick of you staring at me trying to find it when you knew a week ago it’s not here”. Omg what does that mean and how does he know what I’m looking for and oddly I understand what he means. This is twilight zone stuff. I was almost hypnotized by whatever kind of not human human was in front of me. He was so bored all the time or rather constantly doing something so he wouldn’t be bored. Even together it felt sometimes like I was alone. He adored me for about three weeks. We talked for hours and like everyone always says to me “I wish I could talk to everyone like this”. I have this ability to make anyone feel accepted and not judges and I’m pretty sure that’s a large part of why I am attracting those who feel misunderstood, socially isolated m, and rejected at times. So anyway, he was insensitive as hell and made no apologies which as you can guess went over like Donald Trump at a sensitivity conference lol. And I do still have one major hot button that I’m way better with it but Invalidation is my kryptonite and I have a hard time tolerating it toward me or anyone else. Now, if I don’t care about you on a personal level then I don’t care but when you invalidate my reality because you interpret it in terms of yours I’m likely going to challenge the push against my boundary and we played that game a few times but for pure evil, oddly, he made concessions for my “ridiculous” emotions lol. He made fun of my sappy love songs yet he liked Taylor swift. Go figure. It’s funny because I felt those first three weeks that he was looking inside me for what he wanted just as I was looking inside him for anything… he was drawn to my personality, my goodness, my empathetic nature, my non judgmental acceptance and optimistic way I view things, hoping that I will right the wrongs that plague our society. At the same time however, I could sense his disdain for those very parts of me he coveted and I believed that he hoped somehow to make my energy his, like steal it or mimic it or that somehow he could fill his emptiness with all the things inside me. Well that was pretty much the goal. Thankfully because of my I mindfulness training and brand new string as steel sense of self with better boundaries that o ever dreamed I’d have, he couldn’t manipulate me the way he wanted. He liked that too at first. When I finally figured out what he was i was validated that everything I felt was dead on. I didn’t mistrust him but yet I slept terrible there, literally one eye open and I was off center the entire time we dated. In my presence or not in my prescience, o felt him. Well about three weeks in and he realized he wasn’t gonna get my soul and my sensitivity was annoying now rather than cute and the devaluation began. And It sucked! Where was the guy crazy about me? And even though I knew it wasn’t gong anywhere because he was either a robot or alien lol, I didn’t know until after discard what he was so I didn’t understand what was happening but finally something told me to just stop seeing him and I did and I was so proud that i chose in favor or myself in spite of my feelings for him. I knew he wasn’t good for me. Now, I had to figure out why. I was floored by learning about psychopathy and I read all I could because just like your shout out to protect people from BPD pain, I had to be sure that I would be able to recognize his pathology in others because I had a feeling he beloved me easy prey and three years ago, he would have destroyed me. Haha jokes in him because I was three years of fortified therapy healthy. Luckily he didn’t mistreat me other than being sick to my stomach for weeks and doubting my sanity lol. It’s uncanny he didn’t even say or do anything really but I felt unsure 24 hours a day. They are unsettling beings yet I enjoyed many things about him.
So next there was the Bipolar guy in January who idealized me also for about two weeks and he didn’t really devalue me but went ghost and then two weeks later he messaged me about what a mistake he made… we are fiends now. But I remember thinking omg why does he keep saying I’m all he’s ever wanted. For being all anyone ever wanted twice now you’d think it would last more than three weeks lol. Ok so here comes the biggie. I was just about to give up and let someone fall in my lap but I met this guy online, handsome as hell and his profile perfect, like every thing I wanted a profile to say and his message acknowledged my sarcasm and he was funny as hell. First night we talked four hours and it was like a conversation with the male me and I was so excited. For the next week we talked and talked and texted and he was so sweet and understanding and just adored me on a level that I haven’t felt in years. We met and it was perfect. Too perfect. And he told me he was gonna marry me and that there wasn’t one thing he didn’t like about me and I said to him please don’t put me on a pedestal cause I assure you no one likes everything about me unless they are drunk. Chemistry off the charts. I really had hope. I noticed a few peculiar things about him that made me suspect he had MH issues, my guess was schizo affective because I have a friend and I was engaged for five years to a man with the same diagnoses. I decided to ask him because seriously, lemme see your medicine cabinet so I know what kind of crazy I’m dealing with and we shared our diagnoses and it was a relief and a connection and a new understanding. My behavior was actually normal lol for the time we dated and I spent time trying to calm his irrational anger that surfaced periodically. I could tell he would feel persecuted at times and displayed some delusion with false, fixed beliefs. I was accepting and supportive and reassuring all the time. One day I texted him i was ill and was going to rest and for four hours he texted and called and tried to FaceTime and I woke up and I could tell he was panicked that I had dumped him so while I felt his behavior and feelings to be excessive what I did was called him and reassured him I wouldn’t do that and in contact or not, I am not going anywhere. Most women would have run. They are smart lol. I did what I would expect of him, validate my experience, reassure me, and accept my irrational feelings without judgement. So everything continued to be wonderful and while I felt he was perfect for me I had become acquainted with his challenges over a few weeks and they were nothing I felt I couldn’t handle. We spent a wonderful weekend together and Sunday morning I woke up and I felt something had shifted. And I had a slight sinking feeling in my belly. Nothing major so I went home and about my day. Monday I wake up and the sinking feeling is more intense and I immediately knew it was in relation to him and I didn’t know why but I knew. So I spend the day trying not to flip out figuring it out but I know that feeling and it was the forbidding feeling of doom that was always followed by a painful event. The shift I felt yesterday in him was also more pronounced, but we had our normal phone calls though I noticed that he didn’t seem as engaged. So now I’m telling myself that it’s normal for ebb and flow and don’t make assumptions and even if he’s gonna flake that it’s best now. Well I felt insecure all day Monday so now I’m all “is this normal or borderline? Rational? Irrational?” And all I could determine was that i didn’t believe my insecurity to be a construct of thought but rather rooted in the sinking feeling I had and that likely meant that the insecure feeling was there because there is a threat to my security. He called after work and it felt different but I went with it and I thought I’m gonna tell him that i feel off today, first time I’d ever reach out for his comfort, I’m gonna preface it with its probably a little unreasonable and a pinch PMS, and some fear of you and me because I have feelings invested (he already said he loved me) but I said I’m just feeling uneasy and insecure so idk I just think all this sudden wonderful change is somewhat overwhelming. I’m hoping you could just reassure me that this is what you want because I know I do. Rational, reasonable…. and here comes the reassurance! “What is wrong with you?”‘ Excuse me? ” That’s so trivial what are you worried about everything is fine you are making something from nothing” And there it is…. invalidation. Ok let’s see where this goes because I’m clearly talking to a man I have never met. “Baby I said it was likely unreasonable but remember when I asked you to always just support whatever I felt even if you thought it was crazy?” “Yeah but I can’t validate something I think is absurd.” That was as good as the conversation got and yay me for not jumping in the gutter and attacking him while he demeaned, belittled, ridiculed, and insulted me because I can’t control my emotions and why am I attacking him and blaming him and I quickly realized I was being devalued or dealing with delusion or both. And I said I’m not going to tolerate you treating me like a piece of crap so this conversation is over. Of course I cried, I was floored. He adored me 24 hours before and I felt hatred. Gladly I knew it was not a reflection of me and noticed gas lighting and transference of his irrational feelings and behaviors onto me. He didn’t call for two days and finally texted and said are we gonna discuss your behavior the other night or not. There was my closure. I told him I wasn’t gonna accept the way he spoke to me and that this was his fault not mine. So of course he attacked a bit more and said he can’t be with someone so out of control like me and I literally laughed because one thing I never lost in the time we dated was control and he did left and right. I had to block him because the abusive texts continued. I’m ok I was sad for a day but
I knew that if he treated me like that once it would happen again and I’m not doing it. So anyway here I believed what he and I felt and his words to be genuine, I know he idealized me but I believed him to be genuine and that this would go somewhere. I have never encountered this before. But I think one thing I have figured out is that once the idealization starts it has to be reined in quick and slowed down because
when it’s fixed, it’s too late. I also have to be wary of idealizing men as well because I never thought he would ever behave like that. Well, that belief was my fantasy of who he is and boy did I get a different reality. I think by being aware that only the things I can believe or expect of anyone I date is what they show and tell me themselves, consistently over time because anything I tell myself is a fantasy and we all know they aren’t real.
Thanks CJ….we’ll call you.
A valuable series of articles on what is a fairly common character trait amongst women, I neatly fell off my chair when you wrote that effectively BPD is a biproduct of the romanticisation of women in our culture; you could expand on this through our understanding of ‘oneism’ and the idealisation and devaluation that appear to occur throughout western romanticism. One need only look to Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet to comprehend the destructive nature of romance.
I was also very interested to read about the tendency many men have to be drawn to the eroticism of BPD women and the women’s ability to mirror the fantasies of the men. I know of several men who had to go through horrific relationships with BPD women in order to eventually learn to choose a suitable partner carefully.
That brings me to the subject of ‘choice’, something which many men, myself included do not have much of! Sadly I know of men who are in long term relationships with women with BPD who had no other option for a partner, such is the situation with females in the western world. I have through luck rather than any great judgment remained single for many years and as a result enjoy a more contented life and get good sleep.
Hi Nicola,
Do you have any insight into women with BPD traits and a cyclical relationship with a commitment phobic man?
Ann-louise, I’m sorry, I haven’t looked at that combination.
I do know I was accused of being commitment phobic. My view was I was having difficulty understanding certain behaviors. Baffled. Long after the relationship ended, with the help of Joanna’s insight, I have now come to understand these behaviors as somewhere on the spectrum of BPD
Thank you very much for these posts. I recently broke up with my girlfriend and it wasn’t until after that I had the realization that she may have traits of BPD. Your insight has really helped me recognize and come to terms with it all.
Dan, I’m glad to hear that my writing may have helped you in your recovery from this painful experience.
WOW! Thank you for vast vast insight. Have/had friend with possible BPD traits. Thank you!
I’m happy to have been helpful to you.
Wow! I wish I would have come across this earlier.. Moved a thousand miles to be with the girl of my dreams. She was a long time friend, thought I knew her very well. We hit it off immediately, when we started dating. Everything was perfect. Dated long distance for 6mo while I got everything in order. Moved and within 1-2mo the shit began to hit the fan. She started withdrawing everything. Conversation, quality time and intimacy of every kind imaginable. In one way she did very from the amazing sex of so I’ve read a typical borderline.. It almost felt as though it was a chore for her. It may have to do with highly probable sexual abuse as a child. As she matches almost all except 4 of your list of characteristics commonly associated with bpd. As well as a path of destroyed men in her past. There really is no questions left in my mind that she is. She became someone I didn’t even recognize. During this process I’ve also become someone I don’t really like. As her mask slipped I ramped up my kindness, loving and care. I thought I was doing everything possible. Nothing seemed to work just continued to get worse. As I would and others would classify myself in the “Nice Guy” realm, these traits that I’ve picked up are very scary. So alien a few of the times it was scary to me. And brought shame the day after. I have discovered some co-defendant traits in myself through this process that I never knew were an issue until she began withholding everything. And I’m hoping that without the abuse will never resurface.! I felt empty, betrayed and lied to about who she was. The 1yr 4mo relationship is over and she was back with her 3x ex within a month. Hopefully not before… Which also points towards bpd.. And now I’m just left broken, in process of healing with help of a counselor. I’m so disappointed in myself that I never about personality disordered people. Also upset it’s not taught about somewhere in our youth.. I am going to share this blog and certain entries with my counselor as it was like a Rosetta Stone for me, only to late. But may be of huge help to someone else just starting the devalue phase! Thank you
I’ve been through the wringer in a marriage that has included separations and reconciliations over a 4 year period.
Like many, I initially believed this was the love of my life, even though there were red flags that I ignored because I was “head over heels” about this woman.
When the trouble started, I was left reeling over the intensity, level of irrationality and extreme cruelty from someone who seemed so in love with me at first. I couldn’t make it make sense.
For 2 years I thought it was my fault and worked hard to make her happy but there were no rules.
I had never heard or BPD but I got educated and the last time we reconciled, I did it knowingly but still hoping I could manage it somehow. Impossible.
I didn’t have your workbook though. I wasn’t aware of it or your work. Wish I had been.
I’m now newly separated(again) and even though I know I can never go back, it still hurts and I miss the great parts of it. I wonder how it might have worked out if I had been familiar with the workbook.
One question…
What is the prognosis for these type of women? If I know anything it is that she seems to be oblivious to the fact that she has these issues. Complete denial.
It’s seems that the high sensitivity to criticism leaves them blinded and unwilling to admit they even have a problem.
How many of them seek help or even acknowledge that they need it?
David, if their issues are only within their romantic life and there are no problems with cheating, chemical abuse, suicide or smear campaigns, they can be rehabilitated. But it’s a very long and thankless process where the partner does not get any of their needs met for a year or more. After rehabilitation the partner with traits of BPD will have developed boundaries, and the amazing highs of the relationship will no longer be there.
This person will be like anyone else you may have dated. You will never get the woman who gave you those euphoric feelings back because those extreme highs are the flip side to the pain of devaluation. So it is best to use the method if you have young children or face severe financial consequences on divorce. People who are in short term relationships should not use this method unless the traits are very light because the psychological damage from partners who are exposed to BPD behaviors is too severe.
And you right on point, the method only works because it consists of responding to this individual with language that neither blames the innocent partner nor the accusing partner in any way. Another reason the method works because the partner doesn’t need to know that a method is being used. It is simply a way to guide a partner through patterns of healthy behavior that eventually the partner adopts and uses instead of the defensive behaviors. But there is still no guarantee that the method will work with any given individual.
Joanna,
I read your response to a prior comment – “if their issues are only within their romantic life and there are no problems with cheating, chemical abuse, suicide or smear campaigns, they can be rehabilitated.”
Would you mind expounding upon cheating and infidelity in relation to people with traits of BPD? Infidelity was a major theme of my ex-fiance. She was unfaithful in all of her past relationships, including her relationship with me. She displayed traits of BPD in our romantic relationship as well as other areas of her life.
Thank you for this wonderful blog and the effort you put into educating so many people like me.
Todd, there is a spectrum of BPD. In order to qualify for the diagnosis you would need to have such severe pain that your life is dysfunctional. This usually presents with suicidal attempts, drug addiction, alcohol addiction, unsafe sexual practice, and generally putting themselves in dangerous positions.
On the other end of the spectrum are women who suffer from insecurity in their relationships that cause them to use defense mechanisms such as devaluation, anger at their partner, emotional abuse, but they are trusting enough in their non-romantic relationships to live a fairly normal life.
Infidelity we might say is somewhere in the middle. They use infidelity to escape or control fear of abandonment. But it is an extreme action because it breaks the relationship contract. And a partner who is willing to break the relationship contract has gone too far for rehabilitation using my methods.
However, if they get traditional treatment using dialectical behavioral therapy, or DBT treatment, even the most extreme, dysfunctional person can completely recover. In that blog-post answer I was referencing my methods to overcome defensive behavior in a romantic partner.
Traditional BPD treatment can work at all levels of the spectrum no matter how extreme. It’s a truly extraordinary treatment and its efficacy shows us that a person’s life can be ruined and the lives around them from nothing more than the lack of skill at regulating emotions. This simple program can give someone in so much pain that they want to die complete recovery.
Thanks a lot for your article. My exBPD broke up two years ago and I am still struggling to live a “normal” life. Anyway, the obessivve, destructive thoughts are gone but anyway I am still asking myself “Did she really had BPD or is that just an imgination that I use to coop with the breakup?”. Anyway, no break up felt so hard and if I compare myself to the guy I have been before, I have been an outgoing, optimistic, lively guy with a nice, caring family background.
She on the other hand came from a nightmare household and had all the moderate BPD tendencies you described in combination with great looks. A deadly combination for a man.
Thanks for your contribution to this very complex discussion.
I know that this is mostly in support of men who’ve had relationships with women who have personality traits on the BPD spectrum.
Sharing from another perspective, that of a sister of a woman with mild to moderate symptoms. Perhaps this will be helpful.
There’s no trauma in our background. Parents married 55+ years. Not perfect of course, but not abusive.
A Dr. in childhood diagnosed her as “hyperactive”. Mom said as a kid, she was like a black hole of affection – you could never give her enough. In contrast, I have always been fairly quiet, and self-sufficient. No perfect of course, but that’s not for this forum.
Her behaviours have included…
–As a teenager, drugs, theft, promiscuity, moved in with her first guy at 17
–Can’t be single for more than a couple of weeks
–When I was in my 20’s, drunkenly slept with my boyfriend, no apology – we’ve never been close since
–Her reason was that she was trying to see if he was loyal to me and so was “protecting” me.
–Talks on and on, centre stage, without asking questions about other people.
–Her stories describe how she is always right, brilliant, the heroine.
–Many symptoms in relationships, emotionalism, blame, quick to anger and vengeance when slighted, very judgemental, not self-reflective.
–Infidelity in most relationships…. with no remorse or self-reflection.
It’s very confusing because she can also be very generous, funny, smart. She is good at what she does. She’s not an extreme case.
Since she seduced the man I was dating, I did my best to forgive, but I’ve never fully trusted her again. Which I sense she sees as another betrayal.
Now in middle age, I live many hours away. I initiate dinner once a year, in her area. She makes no effort to see me. Sometimes, she ignores my emails completely. I’ve felt sad about this, would love to have a “normal” sister-friend.
Recently she called me, a first in a decade. Her long-term partner left her, was unfaithful, stole money from her. It was the first time she had been left.
Understandably, she was devastated, then things quickly turned to revenge. She confessed that she got him fired, regretted it (me in the old role of confessor).
Fast forward a few weeks… BANG a new guy, idealized. She’s euphoric. She said she wanted to come see me sometime. At first I was receptive, then I panicked.
I began reading, landed here. Haven’t heard from her since, feel relieved. Now I hope she gets wrapped up in this guy and forgets about me. Sad but true.
She can spin me around like no one else. She can also make me laugh. If our relationship was just business, it’d be great. That is, until I did something she viewed as suspect, then I’d be the topic of many “idiot” stories.
I feel guilty at times. I second-guess myself. I feel sad. And I also wonder if I’m unfairly judging her, diagnosing her from afar.
Yet understanding this in a more clinical way (thank you), helps me protect myself. Enjoy her for who she is – while not getting entangled.
I come back to this. My good friends are balanced. We inquire about one another. I feel safe with them. I don’t feel safe with my sister.
I will always be kind. But loving myself is more important than feeding her emotional needs. And if in her eyes, that makes me a bitch, then so be it.
Thank you for this forum, it’s truly helpful.
Mary, thank you for your contribution to this discussion. Your story provides important insight into these very painful relationships. You have done a good job of protecting yourself through all these years although that protection comes with sadness and, naturally, some level of guilt.
Thank you. 🙂
Hi, I dated a woman recently, who in the beginning told me she has been raped, that she wanted to divorce her father, that I was perfect, her soul mate and that she loved me, all within the first two weeks of knowing her. She has a very good job, is very put together and is very attractive. But she had always talked about things like, “people are inherently bad”, “everyone hurts me”. Some times I can’t believe that I fell for her. Other times, I very much can. But I was told I was always the one starting the fights, I was told to go to therapy, because it was always my fault. I believed it at times. I could never address her combative behavior or sarcastic demeaning tone without being told I was abusive. She could be a really fun person and a great time, but other times it could be impossible to reason with her.
Appreciate the recommendation. Let me try it out.