Romantic Idealization And Devaluation
In Women With Traits of BPD
If you are like most men who have found themselves in a committed relationship with a woman with traits of borderline personality disorder or BPD, you probably started off feeling like you were the luckiest guy in the world. Here was a woman who not only understood you but who you could truly be yourself with. Being in the initial stages of a relationship with a woman with traits of BPD can feel like being truly accepted for the first time in your life.
But as euphoric as the highs of the initial relationship may have been, your hopes for a healthy relationship were probably dashed when your initially kind and loving partner inexplicably began to show irritation, and if you stuck around long enough, may have entered into what looked to be a full-blown campaign to tear down your self-esteem along with your worth as a man.
Here are some of the insinuations or outright accusations that men may experience when women with traits of BPD make the transition from idealizing to devaluing their romantic partners:
You are incompetent
You are not smart
You are not committed to her
You have poor judgment
You don’t know how to treat a woman
You are not faithful
You don’t care about her
You are weak
You are cowardly
You are unattractive
You are selfish
You are a poor lover
You don’t really love her
Most of us assume that a person who is being subjected to this kind of behavior on a regular basis would soon realize that they are in a relationship with an unhealthy partner. But there is one very unusual aspect of the behavior pattern of romantic devaluation associated with BPD that can keep a man locked into the kind of relationship that he ordinarily wouldn’t dream of staying in.
What makes the relationship with a woman with traits of BPD so different is that the red flags that most people look for in order to determine whether their partner truly has their interests in mind are absent. Instead of red flag warnings, the woman with traits of BPD will give him every reason in the world to trust him. In a relationship with a woman with traits of BPD, devaluation usually does not emerge until the woman in question has won over the trust of her partner completely.
It may sound cruel and malicious to draw a man in, win his trust over completely, and then systematically tear him down. But the truth is that in most of these relationships the woman herself may have no idea during the idealization phase that she is headed straight towards the destruction of her relationship.
In fact, in many cases, even in the middle of the most vicious campaign to tear her loved one down, she is often unaware of why she is devaluing him. Most women with traits of BPD are initially as confused by the devaluation phase of their relationship as their partner.
There are two questions that unanswered lead to a great amount of confusion on the part of men who have been through this cycle.
1. If a romantic partner has devalued you this way does it mean she actually has the condition of borderline personality disorder?
2. What exactly is it that can make a woman pull out all the stops to win your trust only to then turn on you when you are at your most vulnerable.
We’ll start with the first question. Does a wife or girlfriend who first idealized you and then began a campaign to devalue you have the condition known as borderline personality disorder?
The simple answer is that although she may have traits of BPD and she may engage in behaviors associated with BPD, she probably does not qualify for the diagnosis. Not all women who have the tendency to at first idealize their partner and then when they have won his trust devalue him have a personality disorder.
Women who possess less pronounced traits of sensitivity associated with BPD or who don’t have the environmental factors in their background that can lead to BPD may engage in idealization and devaluation in their romantic relationships. But as long as they remain functional in their everyday lives they will probably not qualify for the diagnosis.
As with most traits associated with BPD, there is a spectrum that can be applied to the pattern of romantic idealization and devaluation. Most women who engage in this pattern would not be eligible for the diagnosis. But even women who do not qualify for diagnosis can cause a great deal of damage to their partners when their idealization fades.
Let’s now take a look at why female romantic idealization so often leads to devaluation in relationships.
Romance: When Interest Turns to Obsession
The personality trait that drives the two phases of romantic idealization and devaluation is actually a very common trait in women. The trait can be described as an extreme interest in anything related to romance, but it is actually a strong interest in all kinds of bonding with others. This strong interest can cause a woman to form an idealized picture of a future mate and her life with him.
In order to more clearly understand the personality trait that leads to romantic idealization and devaluation, we are going to take a look at an imaginary scale or spectrum of interest in romance.
Spectrum of Interest In Romance
At the far left side of this spectrum you will find individuals who are the most interested in all things romantic. You might even say they are obsessed with romance. On the right side we will place people who may choose to be in a lifelong partnership but who do not idealize their relationships.
Because strong interest in romance is a very common female personality trait, we will find that most of the people who are highly interested in romantic love are women. Conversely, because the ability to separate from or ignore one’s emotions easily is a very common male personality trait, we will find mostly men on the right side of the spectrum of interest in romance.
Interestingly enough, if we move far enough out to the left side of this spectrum, we will encounter women who may qualify for the diagnosis of borderline personality disorder. These are women who so obsessed with romance that they become destructive to the men who choose to partner with them.
Because of their ability to portray to men a convincing ideal version of themselves in the beginning of their relationships, men tend to fall deeply in love with them. These men are usually devastated when the illusion fades and the woman they love finds herself too closely entangled for comfort and pushes him away.
But what confuses men even more is the fact that their loved one doesn’t just leave the relationship. She launches what looks like a deliberate campaign to demean him. Most idealizing women are unable to cope with the reality they face when their idealization fades. These women often transfer the blame for their disapointment onto their unsuspecting partners. The way they do this is by devaluing them. This gives an idealizing woman the perfect excuse to back-pedal out of the intimacy she created in her fantasy relationship.
But women with BPD are not the only ones who struggle with this polarity in their romantic lives. In order to understand how this spectrum of interest in romance affects us we need to look at both sides of the spectrum. Both men and women who are too far over to the left and right side of the spectrum of interest in romance tend to create painful and unhealthy emotional environments for relationship partners.
The challenge for men who are often too far over on the right side is to get more in touch with their emotions so that they understand a woman’s more pronounced emotional needs in romantic relationships.
The challenge for women who are often too far over to the left side of this spectrum is to learn the skills of separating from their emotions so they can provide a less emotionally volatile environment that is essential for most men’s comfort level in romantic relationships.
Although the average woman resides somewhat to the left side of center and the average male somewhat to the right side of center on this spectrum, there are also plenty of men who possess a strong interest in romance and plenty of women who although they may be happily partnered find they have very little interest in it.
Now that we have addressed the character trait that can lead to romantic idealization, let’s take a look at why this type of idealization so often leads to devaluation.
Why Women Devalue Their Partners
What drives idealization and devaluation by women in romantic relationships at a very basic level is relationship insecurity. There are many factors that can lead to relationship insecurity, but the one we will be addressing is insecurity caused by idealizing women who enter into committed relationships without establishing sufficient trust with their partner.
Although we may not see idealization as problematic in itself, it plays a big part in devaluation. Women who idealize often consider being in love or achieving a lifelong relationship as more important than who they choose for a partner. In order to fulfill her perfect fantasy, an idealizing woman may fool herself into believing she has found the perfect man based on nothing more than wishful thinking.
The idealization phase predictably ends once the woman gets a man to completely give himself over to her. At this point the rosy glow fades and the woman finds herself stuck in a committed relationship with a person who she realizes no longer fits her ideal. There is a great drop in valuation of her mate that occurs at this stage due to disappointment. But her disappointment at not having the ideal partner is only a small factor in the chain of events that leads to devaluation.
What causes female devaluation in romantic relationships is a protective defense mechanism that all people have that lies in wait, ready to protect us from uncomfortable feelings. It is this very common defense mechanism that kicks in after the idealization phase ends to protect idealizing women from what they experience as a harsh reality.
When Men Are Pushed Off Their Pedestal
When a woman idealizes a love interest, she will see him in his perfect form, without any faults or flaws. This idealization allows her to skip all of the necessary steps we each need to go through in order to feel safe and secure before we enter the commitment stage of a relationship. The steps she does not take are the ones that would assure her that her future mate accepts her with all of her faults and flaws and that she accepts him with his faults and flaws.
A woman who is idealizing a love interest does not show him her flaws. She will be very busy only showing him her best side. Although she may not realize it, her goal in the beginning stages of her relationship will be to achieve a feeling state of euphoria.
A relationship in which the woman is only showing her best side and only acknowledging her love interest’s best side does not allow either partner to test for true compatibility and mutual trust. But this two-way idealization does encourage her love interest to join into her state of euphoria. Unfortunately, her narcissistic focus on her own desires will come back to haunt her when her idealization finally fades.
What she will feel when the honeymoon phase of her relationship is over will be similar to the way we all feel after we make an impulsive buying decision and find ourselves stuck with something, or in this case someone we don’t necessarily want.
But her sense of buyer’s remorse will not be the only reason she feels compelled to pull back. Because she has not taken the steps to build up the necessary trust, she will also be left with a very strong fear of being over her head or in too deep that she will not necessarily understand or even be consciously aware of.
It is at this point that a woman’s psychological defense mechanisms will take over in order to protect her from two things. It will step in to protect her from the fear of intimacy with a man she has not established trust with. It will also step in to protect her from the embarrassment and guilt of having lured an innocent person into love under false pretenses.
The defense mechanism that most women who idealize use to emotionally distance from relationships formed without a foundation of trust is the defense mechanism of devaluation.
Devaluation as a Defense Mechanism
Devaluation is a form of psychological protection usually used when people want to very quickly distance from another individual. A woman who finds herself permanently attached to a man she no longer has strong feelings for will be in an uncomfortable situation.
When her fantasy fades she will become acutely aware that while her feelings have flatlined out, her partner is still wildly passionate about her and expecting her to feel the same way. Having declared her passion for him so many times she will know that she has no excuse for taking the space she may suddenly want.
It is at this point that her defenses will kick in. Let’s take a quick look at how common defense mechanisms work so you can better understand the defense mechanism of devaluation.
The way most human defenses work to save us from uncomfortable emotional states such as embarrassment, guilt and fear is they supply us with justifications for any inappropriate actions we may want to take to escape from an unwanted emotional state.
As a quick example of how everyday defense mechanisms work, if we find ourselves over-eating a day after we announced to the world that we were on a diet, our subconscious mind will attempt to supply us with justifications that to others may seem flimsy. Because we are eager to escape embarrassment at lack of self control we will grab on to this justification and use it to ward off our uncomfortable feelings.
In the same way, when a woman finds herself committed to a partner she has not established trust with or who she now deems unworthy, her defense mechanisms will step in. They will provide her with justification so she can distance herself without having to feel guilty. They will also justify her unwillingness to admit to herself or her partner that she made a huge mistake that will bring very real consequences for him.
Since she will be feeling desperate to put space between herself and her partner, it will not take much of a justification for her to latch onto. Even so, her defense mechanisms will have to switch into high gear since the man she is with is now in love with her and probably has given her no good reason to withdraw.
The easiest defense mechanism available will be the defense of devaluation. This is a tactic used by many people when they need to quickly distance from someone who is making them feel uneasy. The most common use of devaluation as a defense is by children and young adults.
Children and teenagers tend to use devaluation to make a statement that shows they are not linked to individuals that may threaten their social standing. Devaluation usually consists of put-downs or actions that convey contempt. These insults make it clear that they have no connection to an individual that they fear may bring them down the social ladder.
Defensive devaluation can also be used by an individual who is feeling threatened due to a perceived power imbalance between themselves and another person. Devaluing allows them to make the other person feel inferior so they no longer feel as threatened. Devaluing can be used to create emotional safety and distance without the need to create physical distance.
This is the defense most women who idealize use to get the distance they need to stay in their comfort zone without leaving their relationship. They may also use devaluation to justify leaving the relationship. Devaluing conveniently allows them to leave without accountability for the pain their action will cause.
Unfortunately, although idealization always fades, devaluation can continue throughout the life of the relationship. A woman who has not established trust with her partner may use it indefinitely to ward off feelings of insecurity due to fear of rejection, abandonment or being taken advantage of.
But as painful as we can imagine it is for a man to be devalued by a woman he is in love with, a devaluing woman will usually be oblivious to the consequences of her actions. Unfortunately, the nature of defense mechanisms is to get us to do whatever it takes to protect ourselves no matter how destructive these actions prove to be to others. When we are under the influence of a defense mechanism, we will not see the pain our behavior is causing to others.
Now that you have a clearer understanding of the mechanics of devaluation, let’s take a look at how it feels from the perspective of the woman devaluing.
Devaluation From a Female Perspective
There are several ways a woman’s idealization turns to devaluation. A woman who has idealized may be aware that she has lost the ideal version of her partner. She may literally wake up one morning and realize she has made a terrible mistake. But there are many women who do not recognize that a change has occurred.
A devaluing woman may simply notice that she has become strangely irritable lately. She may feel like she is unusually cranky or for some reason in a bad mood whenever her partner is around. She may find that all of the little things he does that used to be endearing now irritate her. She may also find herself less able to be tactful and more freely expressing her negative feelings in his presence.
But because this clearly bad behavior towards her loved one will not show her in a very good light, her defenses will need to kick into even higher gear in order to protect her from having to feel embarrassed about her bad treatment of the man she supposedly loves.
At this point a second layer of defense may kick in to protect her from guilt. She may in her mind begin to minimize the effect of her actions on her partner, telling herself she treated him poorly because she was just in a bad mood while ignoring the fact bad moods are temporary; whereas her mistreatment of her partner has become a constant.
She may also begin to look for things about her loved one that when exaggerated or seen in certain lights can justify her devaluation of him. If this pattern of devaluation continues over a long period of time, she will eventually decide that he deserves her insults and criticisms, ignoring the fact that it is never our right to take on the role of a punisher for our mate.
Let’s now take a look at what devaluation feels like from the side of the person being devalued.
A man who has been drawn into the web of an idealizing woman will not be aware that she has only taken in his best qualities and has ignored his faults and flaws. He also will be unaware that she has only shown him her ideal self and that he has never seen her faults and flaws.
Instead of recognizing that some women can hide their true selves for longer than he might imagine possible, he may mistakenly believe that he has lucked out in finding someone who possesses the skill level to consistently show respect, kindness and good will towards him.
He will not realize that women who idealize rarely possess these important partnership skills. Idealizing women tend to rely solely on euphoric love to motivate their respect, kindness and good will to their partner. They may not have had enough practice to develop the skills to override emotions so they can treat their partner well even when they are not in the best of moods. And they may have little practice translating emotions into words that can be used to effectively communicate their needs.
Without this understanding, a man may spend months or even years trying to apply logic to a woman’s devaluation. He may endlessly attempt to convince her that he is a good person who does not deserve her anger. But because her devaluation is a defense mechanism, his attempts to change her mind will not be effective.
Certainly not all women devalue their husbands either in public or in private. If a woman does not possess the traits that drive her to idealize her mate she usually won’t engage in devaluation. There are also women who do have the tendency to idealize but who soon come to accept that married life is not a romantic fantasy. They eventually learn the skills necessary to achieve a peaceful relationship.
Please join me in Part Two of this blog series Women on the Spectrum of BPD: Techniques That Stop Devaluation where you will be learning techniques from the Nicola Method that allow partners of women with traits of BPD to put a stop to the defense mechanism of devaluation.
Related Posts:
Did Your Ex-Girlfriend Have Traits Of Borderline Personality Disorder?
Women With Traits of BPD – Why Did She Lie?
BPD and the Nice Guy Personality Type
Identifying Traits of BPD In Women Before Relationship Commitment
Women With Traits of BPD – Why Men Stay
If you would like to learn the Nicola Method so you can put an end to the high conflict situations you may be experiencing, click on this link to the welcome page of this website where you will find the resources you need.
If you want to try out some of the basic techniques of this method for free to see if this method is right for your situation, you can learn them from an intro guide flip-book here or a PDF version of the intro guide here.
When is part 2 of this blog going to be published?
Working on it now, Dan. Maybe a week or two.
Wow, Joanna you hit the nail on the head with your articles. It hurts to see my ex wife struggle with BPD as she is in denial which confuses her of why she can not keep a relationship with me, all my fault. The blame and shame, toxic shame is more like it eats at her as well. My job is to understand and communicate to her my love and support. As I read your articles I am learning a new way of communication with her, this is all new as in my past I usually just say next in line step forward. Standing by her as she pushes me away to feel safe yet wants a relationship with me is heart breaking. Your articles are giving me hope and tools to stay, to say i love you for you are of great value to me for I see you do what you do not want to do, for I have seen your soul and it is good to me
Thank you.
These articles on BPD are accurate as to what I experience/experiencing to a soon to be BPD wife. I even have tried to have her read this article to some how objectively express my intentions. After one sentence she screams as if it was an attack. She sees her image in a mirror and thinks I am lying that is her. It is fascinating and sad at the same time. It took many, many years for me to understand and counselor’s can not directly confront her BPD. She quit treatment. It appears as it have a psychotic component to it. Sometimes it takes someone outside of a profession to provide a more insightful understand. I have provided your articles to many psychologists/psychiatrists.
The psychotic component that sometimes presents in BPD is unfortunately not yet clearly understood. This must be one of the most painful and disturbing elements of a relationship with an individual with this disorder. Thanks for sharing about your experience and let’s hope that enough interest in this aspect of the disorder brings us more understanding in the future.
“as long as they remain functional in their everyday lives they will probably not qualify for the diagnosis”
This sentence seems a bit BPD avoidant! I mean I think BPD people can be highly functional professionals and show BPD symptoms only in intimacy. we should probably note that there is a bias with BPD, only the one who seeks treatments are shown in statistics. Often they seeks treatments because they have been really too far, like with suicide attempts, but they are probably only the tip of the iceberg, and the hidden part of the iceberg is the hardest to see and therefore the most likely to appear inside a “nice” man life.
Oxid, the diagnosis is dependent on whether the individual is dysfunctional in their life due to extreme emotional pain and suffering. There can be a certain amount of play in terms of interpretation, and certainly some people with this disorder are able to maintain functionality in their professional life while hiding their dysfunction.
But it is very important that we don’t label people who may be on the spectrum but who don’t qualify with this very serious medical condition. It is also disrespectful to those who suffer the terrible pain associated with this disorder to equate their suffering with the many women who only act out in their romantic relationships with behaviors associated with the disorder.
I love the efforts you have put in this, thank you for all the great blog posts.
It is so hard to face the fact that the woman I loved with all my soul moved so quickly to another and continues to attack me through false claims. I really wish I didn’t marry her and knew what we were up against before we went any further.
I am usually a very happy and motivated individual, but I no longer have the will for living I just had one year ago.
I don’t think I will ever get over my wife and I wish I could do something to repair our marriage. Unfortunately, I cannot move on and the lack of closure is like a weight holding me under the water line.
I guess I have finally given up hope and truly faced the fact that our life as one is over. Today is the worst day of my life and the feeling of loss and pain I carry makes death look like the most humane option available.
I hope I can overcome, as I can’t go on without my wife. I just wish she knew the pain I feel and have mercy on me.
Bernie, it’s very important that you seek professional help for yourself. This type of relationship can be extremely psychologically damaging. Any experienced therapist should be able to help you but you must reach out. This type of pain can be too intense to handle alone.
Joanna, you undoubtedly have answered this before but I haven’t seen any previous blogs if yours dealing with this. How do you see a romantic BPD and a NPD play out? Is there much hope if success long term? Thank you much!
Deb, my work in this area is very limited due to the incredible complexity of these types of relationship. I have not worked with anyone who was in a NPD/BPD relationship, so I am more comfortable leaving that dynamic to those who have studied it more closely than I have.
Generally speaking, the wounds that those with NPD carry around are even more severe than those with traits of BPD, even though they may be much more functional in their lives. Also keep in mind that because these wounds are in the area of connection for both disorders, neither of these individuals will be capable of intimacy. So the chance of a successful relationship would certainly be very low.
I think it’s important to define “successful” relationship as well. Whether it’s a relationship between a BPD and a non, or an NPD and a non, or BPD with NPD, oftentimes these destructive relationships can appear successful to the outside observer. That’s one of the most insidious aspects of these types of pairings. Because NPD/BPD individuals are heavily invested in maintaining and presenting a false self, due to their core damage/wounds, it’s easy to see a relationship as “successful” just because it persists, when it’s anything but healthy. Many BPD/NPD individuals will go overboard in presenting their relationship as perfect, a fairy tale, etc. (see: social media) in an attempt to convince others, and more importantly, themselves, that they’re in a happy, healthy, and successful situation. Observing this type of posturing, especially past the initial euphoric stage; coupled with opposing body language & private disclosure of relationship troubles, is definitely something to watch for.
I had a relationship with a woman who had diagnosed BPD. It was one of the worst things to happen to me. I never want to go through anything like it again. Your website is one of a handful of resources that accurately describes my feelings. Better yet, you offer plausible explanations for her outrageous behavior and ways to defend myself from similar behavior in the future. Thank you.
The relationship came to a sudden and painful end two years ago. We haven’t had any contact in 16 months, but I still feel a potent mix of desire and fear towards her. If I could sum up the whole sorry mess in a single sentence, it would take the form of a question I have often asked myself: “Why do I still want what hurts me?”
You answer my question with a level of detail that most writers are not capable of. I’ve read several books and dozens of articles about BPD, but very little of it has actually helped me. Your site is a notable exception. Again, thank you.
Sean, It’s great to hear that my blog has been helpful.
Probably due to trauma or betrayal bonding.
Thank you for the excellent articles on dating someone on the bpd spectrum. I have been trying to figure out what on earth happened to me. This is the first information I have found that makes sense. Everything regarding the relationship with the bpd spectrum woman and nice guy type rings true! Thank you so much! This is the first thing that has legitimately helped.
Jeff, I’m so glad to hear that my blog was helpful for you.
Joanna, Thank you for this article. I am still trying to figure out what happened with my guy and my relationship with him. It was a fairy tale in the beginning and turned very toxic over time. I gave him 4 years and as I worked towards making myself a better woman for him seemed like he was doing the opposite. I always thought relationships get better/easier over time as two people get to know each other and learn to trust each other but this relationship got worse over time. He became very toxic and emotionally draining as time went on and one day vanished just a week after he promised me that he would never disappear again. He had disappeared before for a short period of time but never months. I texted him and he did not respond. I was devastated because I did not know if he was dead or alive or if he was behind bars. Once I realized he was ghosting I decided I was done and went no contact. He did email once but I did not respond. It has been 6 months no contact and I am starting to feel better again but I am still super hurt and confused. Was I not even worth a response?
fallen, the mistake in your thinking is imagining he thinks like you do. Most people think like you do, but those with very high emotions are not able to think of others in the same way the rest of us do. Their emotions overwhelm them, and they take selfish actions.
Imagine times when you were overwhelmed with negative emotions. You probably became obsessed with finding someone to talk to about your yourself. We all get extremely self-involved when we are overwhelmed by emotions and are unable to focus on anyone but ourselves. Those with traits of BPD are almost always in a state of overwhelm due to high emotionality.
We could say that these individuals have a damaged sense of morality, but the truth is they don’t have the luxury of using morality. They are stuck in their emotional processing center. Their emotions do not allow them to use their intellectual processing center which is where all of us process ethics and morals.
Thank you for that. I appreciate the insight. I don’t know what was wrong with him or if he had bpd or any other mental problem. He did go from one extreme to another in a split second. One minute he was so in love and the next minute he was a fire breathing monster and I never knew why or what set him off. He lied about everything. I could write a book about all lies. He was always broke so he always borrowed money and never paid back. But I am not here to figure him out. I wish him healing and glad he left me alone. I just want to forget him and everything he put me through and go back to old self. I am getting better but not where I need to be
Hello, I am just getting out of a relationship that I ended with my exgf who has signs of BPD. I was coming out of a marriage that lacked intimacy. I guess I was easy prey. I agree with everything I have read on this blog, on how she made me feel in the beginning of the relationship. I thought she was perfect, she was loving, understanding, I thought this is the one I have been looking for. She would always tell me how in love she was with me, how we were soul mates, how she loves me more than anything, and I started feeling the same way. That lasted about 9 months. That’s when I believe the devaluing started. One night after she accused me of being unfaithful with my childhood friend, she struck me in the face while I was sleeping on the couch. I was never unfaithful to her. I stayed because I felt like I must’ve done something wrong, but I didn’t. The relationship lasted another year after that and it slowly went from bad to worse. She would then always say you don’t love me anymore, you don’t love me like I love you, and she never would trust me around any other female. She would accuse me of sleeping with them, and I was not. She would be happy some days but unhappy others to the point where she wouldn’t get out of bed, there was some depression she was dealing with too. She was working as a bartender and when she started coming home completely stressed I said why don’t you take time off and figure out what you really wanted to do. I will take care of the finances until you figure out a place you want to work. In return, just keep up with things around the house and occasionally a meal when I get home would be nice but not mandatory. That lasted 5 months and she didn’t keep up her end which then turned into arguments, and the occasional hitting she would do to me. I addressed her about it, but I was accused of kicking her while she was down. When that was not the case. It also affected our sex life because I was constantly stressed because I was the only one working then she would tell me that I am not doing my job as a man and satisfying her sexual needs. The final straw was during an argument that she was so frustrated that she was ready to have sex with someone else. That’s when I decided that this relationship had run its course and I needed to have some self-respect and leave the situation. Yes, I know I should’ve left when I first got struck but I thought I loved her. I went no contact and it was hard she would do little things like tell people that were mutual friends that she was devastated that I left, and she still loves me. But how can I believe that when there was already someone staying in the apartment we once shared 2 weeks later? She went on a smear campaign to tell everyone I left her at her deepest/lowest point. It’s been about a little over a month now, but the recovery has been difficult. I miss that person at the beginning of the relationship but could not continue living my life stepping on egg shells. Thank you for listening.
Adam, thanks for sharing your story with us, and best of luck in your healing from this painful situation.
I am sorry you’re going through this. Abuse is abuse no matter who it comes from. Be glad you left before she caused more damage. Trust me these type of situations don’t get better. They get worse and worse over time. Praying for your speedy recovery
I’ve been no contact with my sociopath for 7 months and it has been great once I past the heartache and pain part. Suddenly yesterday I had an email from him. He was urging me to call ASAP because it’s about his cousin whom I also know. I did respond because I was worried about the cousin. Then he told me he thinks this person is dead and he needs to ask me some questions. I am terrified for this poor person and don’t know what to make of it. Of note, aparantly he has a new email address because I’ve blocked him from everywhere. As much as I care about the cousin I am not sure Socio is telling the truth. He is a pathological lier and he lied to me more than he has ever told the truth. Do you think he is really trying to suck me in again or something could be wrong with cousin?? Please help, I don’t know what to do. I am very upset that I responded to him in the first place. Why is he so dramatic?? Why can’t he just be normal and leave me alone. He is the one who ghosted me me in the first place. Please help bring some clarity for me.
It was a “wow” as I read this article for me – a woman – who was in love with a MAN, yes, a man (!) who did/exhibited all of these behaviors. Your article led me to google BPD in men and what I found was surprising. There are apparently a lot of men whose BPD goes undiagnosed and I’m not saying I’m without flaws or issues of my own as a woman. I was just extremely surprised to be awakened to the possibility that the problems we had (the insults and increasing distancing leading to complete detachment, along with other things) were typical. Forearmed is forewarned, as my mother used to say and I can only hope that knowing helps me avoid these kinds of guys in the future as I obviously am a “type” that attracted it. Thanks.
So I was in a relationship with a BPD partner. I can clearly see the cycle of Idealization and devaluation. In our almost 2 years she pushed and pulled to the point that we had 2 breakups only to recycle before the last.
I started to understand BPD behavior towards the end and she mentioned in passing several times she was afraid I was going to leave her. When we saw a consular she was convinced I was going to leave her because she started getting bossy and “acting like my Ex wife” her words not mine. I assured her this was not the case and she showed remorse unlike my ex. This last time she had asked me if I was back together with er just so I could breakup with her. I told her no and she knows the kind of person I am.
What inevitably would happen is things would be great and then all of the sudden she would start getting irritated with everything I did(Devalue) I’m far from perfect but it was like she just started to look for and project things. Especially when her life is hectic.
So I had been idealized and devalued a few times. I know I was very good to her and a good catch, though not perfect. What would cause her to cycle this behavior with me? Do you think it because she would see how good things were after she settled down?(She admitted as much in times of rekindle)
Because she has “seen the light” a few times it keeps me a little trapped in hope and hanging on. You would think she would see this and think a little more the next time but it never seemed to stick.
Guess I’m just looking for thoughts and insight on this.
Eric, it is very hard for people who do not struggle with intimacy to understand the BPD mindset. Her foe is humiliation, and she becomes susceptible to humiliation whenever she is emotionally close to others. Because people with traits of BPD are hypersensitive to humiliation, they see it around every corner. We have all experienced this level of paranoia from time to time, most of us during childhood at a campfire listening to scary stories. In this state of mind every rustle of the trees in the wind has us convinced we are in danger. This is how the person with strong traits of BPD feels in their romantic relationships.
The person with traits of BPD will suspend all their fear of humiliation in the euphoric beginning phases of the relationship which quiets the internal scary campfire stories. But eventually the paranoia will break through. Then the person with traits of BPD will find themselves uncomfortably vulnerable in a relationship that now feels too close for comfort.
The way they survive in this very uncomfortable situation is to find a way to distance while remaining in the relationship by finding fault with their partner. This form of distancing allows them to feel safe because when they are devaluing their partner they can’t be hurt.
This is the opposite of what the average person will expect from their partner. They believe that the nicer they are to their partner the more comfortable the partner will be with them. Instead, the nicer the partner is, the more terrifying the relationship becomes for the person with traits of BPD.
She will not see the light. The high level of emotionality keeps her rotating from one emotional state to another. Each emotional state is created by editing reality. She will block out or exaggerate aspects of reality to fit her temporary emotional state. So even if she sees the light in one moment, she will bounce back into an emotional state the next moment which will give her temporary amnesia from the understandings she had the minute before.
If you go through the history of your relationship you should be able to track her pattern of getting close and then when it gets too close, finding a way to distance again.
Thank You So much Joanna! You are right in that I’ve seen the pattern thorough out the relationship. 1st Pull away when we were about to move into a house together, 2nd Pull away we were in the house together, had a great evening for her Birthday and then out of the blue again. The actual breakups were a bit more confusing in that things were good then out of the blue she would see no future or think I wasn’t responsive to her. The constant in it all was the devaluing of me and/or our relationship. I now understand why her ex husband was a major alcoholic. I am interested in paying for a few email console sessions. What kind of information would you need from me in email and how can I set that up?
Thank You,
Eric
Eric, I’m glad this information was helpful. I will be replying to your email to me earlier with my PayPal link for email consultation.