Is Your Spouse On Your Side?

How To Keep a Cold Shoulder From Turning Into a Cold War

But there is a very simple sentence that can be used that will ensure you get your spouse on your side before one of these cold wars can set in. In this blog post you are going to learn how to get your partner back on your side with the use of a single phrase. In order to see how it’s possible to stop a cold war with one sentence, we need to first take a quick look at how these feuds get started.

Why We Take It So Personally

Let’s now take a look at what is really going on behind the scenes when our partner seems to be against us instead of on our side. Nine times out of ten, we have simply misread the intentions behind what our spouse said or did. But if we don’t check out these false alarms the conclusions we so often jump to can take hold and influence us to do the same thing back to them.

So why do we seem to react so strongly when our partner doesn’t show their support for our way of seeing things? The answer is that we care a great deal more than we know about what our partner thinks of us. And when they act like they don’t care, a hidden sensitivity is triggered. Even though we may not be consciously aware of how much we need our spouse to care about what we think, most of us would have to agree that no one can ruffle our feathers as much as our spouse when it comes to seeing things our way.

Now we’ll take a look at the making of a relationship cold war. Let’s say you are distracted or not in the best mood, and you don’t respond positively to something your partner is trying to tell you. Your nonchalant response can very easily be taken as a slight. We may know on an intellectual level that not responding positively is not the same as a put-down. However, our intellect and our emotions are often out of synch when it comes to our romantic relationships.

So while we may think our upset is too trivial to bring up, when we don’t, our hurt feelings can easily turn into a grudge. What happens next is later on when we notice our partner wanting us to understand their point of view, a little part of us that is still miffed from being rebuffed can’t help but want to treat our spouse the same way we think they treated us, and sometimes a little worse just to really get the point across. Of course, our unsuspecting partner now feels snubbed for no reason. Now their feelings are hurt and what happens? They do the same thing back to us. Once there have been a few volleys back and forth with each one increasing the cold shoulder to make sure that point is made, it is not surprising that both partners may want to retreat.

Let’s now take a look at how easy it can be to intervene so you can get your spouse on your side again. Overcoming this challenge begins with a setup which you will introduce to your partner. Once the setup is in place, you will find that one sentence is all you need to reestablish a warm connection.

The SetUp

The setup you will use before you apply the sentence is simply a request for permission to bring up hard feelings about one of you not being on the others’ side. This is an easy way to make sure your spouse doesn’t get defensive when you later bring up an issue. Getting permission in advance to bring up a relationship issue can help overcome our natural sensitivity to our spouse not approving of us.

Here is some language that you can use for a setup that works well to get that permission. You can just as easily use your own words instead as long as they mean basically the same thing. To set up the use of the sentence that will get your spouse on your side, you might say something like this:

“Sometimes I get bent out of shape when I feel like you aren’t supporting me. It’s usually over something really minor, so I don’t bring it up, but then I find myself acting mad at you when you haven’t done anything wrong. Would it be okay if I bring it up with you even if it’s something really minor?”

Here is another way to say it:

“I have been noticing that sometimes I feel like you aren’t on my side about something. When I don’t tell you about it, I find myself getting mad at you later for no reason. Would it be okay if the next time that happens I check in with you?”

Your spouse will agree easily since you are framing the problem as yours and not theirs. They will also like the fact that doing what you suggest it will benefit them. After all, no one enjoys their spouse getting angry at them for no reason.

This setup alone is a very effective technique for keeping this important line of communication open so cold-shoulder issues can be brought up before they turn into resentments. However, there is an even better way to make this setup work with the use of one sentence. In fact, with this sentence alone, you will be able to single-handedly resolve both your spouse’s cold shoulder and your cold shoulder towards your spouse without their participation.

Here is the sentence that you will be using:

“Have you been feeling like I haven’t been on your side?”

When you ask your partner this question you will find that they will feel comfortable letting you know what was bothering them. It will then be easy to clear up any misunderstandings and put their mind at ease by assuring them you are still on their side.

Why It Works

This sentence may look simple, but you will find it is a powerful psychological tool that cuts through the type of defenses we all put up when we hold a grudge. It is designed to give your partner exactly the permission they need to feel safe enough to express what hurt them so you can clear it up and get back to the warm zone of your relationship.

The reason we hold back our hurt over our spouse not being on our side is because we feel like they don’t care. We retreat inside to lick our wounds while pretending we are not hurt. When you notice your partner has retreated in this way and you ask them, “Have you been feeling like I haven’t been on your side,” you send a clear message that you do care after all and it’s safe for them to ask for the assurance they need.

Now let’s look at how using this technique can work when you are the one who feels slighted. When you get familiar with recognizing a cold shoulder in your partner and clearing up the misunderstanding before it turns two-way, you will also find that you start to notice when you are giving your partner a cold shoulder.

Instead of waiting for your spouse to notice your cold shoulder, when your spouse does something that makes you feel like they aren’t on your side, you can simply remind them of your agreement and ask if you can check in to find out what they were really thinking when they said or did whatever made you feel they were against you.

Review

Let’s go over the setup and the sentence one more time so you can start to put this technique into practice in your relationship.

In your own words or using the examples above, tell your partner you have found yourself having resentments when you feel like they aren’t on your side over something minor. Let them know you have noticed when you don’t say anything you end up giving them a cold shoulder. Then suggest that instead when either of you notice you aren’t on the same side, you check in and clear it up so it doesn’t turn into a resentment.

Then whenever you notice your partner is snubbing you or giving you a cold shoulder, say this sentence:

“Have you been feeling like I haven’t been on your side?”

Make sure you let them explain what bothered them and then clear up the misunderstanding and assure them you are still on their side.

Just to recap, the reason this sentence works so well is because it assures your partner that you care about being on their side. It is always the fear that our partner doesn’t care that keeps us from asking for this important reassurance when we need it. This sentence works so well that even if you misread your partner’s cold shoulder and they aren’t snubbing you, you will still get some points for being a caring partner since we all appreciate a spouse’s concern. With regular check-ins like this you can ensure that there are no hidden resentments.

If you notice you are giving a cold shoulder, follow the agreement that you set up. Remind your spouse that they agreed it was okay to bring up minor issues about being on each others’ side, and ask if you can clear one of them up. As long as you don’t use blame, your spouse will be happy to assure you that they are still on your side.

Related Posts:

Are You Being Blamed For Your Wife’s Relationship Insecurity?

A Stress-Free Approach To Resolving Marriage Conflict

Four Questions You Need To Be Asking To Help Save Your Marriage

Marriage Entitlement-When Your Spouse Gives Too Much or Takes Too Little

If you would like to learn the Nicola Method so you can put an end to the high conflict situations you may be experiencing, click on this link to the welcome page of this website where you will find the resources you need.

If you want to try out some of the basic techniques of this method for free to see if this method is right for your situation, you can learn them from an intro guide flip-book here or a PDF version of the intro guide here.

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