Did Your Ex-Girlfriend Have Traits of BPD: How to Move on After Your Breakup
Many individuals who break up with women with traits of BPD wonder if they will ever be able to find another partner. And there are several very good reasons they may feel pessimistic about their chances for a healthy romantic relationship in the future.
Some of them feel that the bar before devaluation began was set so high that even though they only experienced the ultimate love for a short time, they don’t know if they can accept anything less. Others feel that the pain they experienced was so devastating that they would not be able to open their heart even if they knew their future partner was healthy.
In this blog post we are going to take a look at the false fulfillment that the woman with traits of BPD promised you. Learning the difference between authentic and false fulfillment can give you the knowledge necessary to make safe choices in future romantic pursuits.
But before you can learn how to tell the difference between false and authentic fulfillment it is necessary first for us to define what authentic romantic fulfillment really means. In other words, we need to look at what it is that makes us feel truly fulfilled in a romantic relationship.
Understanding romantic fulfillment should be an easy thing to do. After all, most people on the planet strive to experience it at least once in their lifetime. And even if we haven’t achieved this goal personally, we all have a great deal of second-hand experience from either reading about it or seeing it portrayed in film.
Yet many of us, when asked what romantic fulfillment consists of, will be at a loss to explain it. The truth is that for most of our lives we have been told that romantic fulfillment is simply not a quality that can be quantified. We are usually led to believe that we can only begin to grasp the heady complexities of romantic fulfillment indirectly through music or poetry, as though romantic love was a mystical experience.
Interestingly enough, although we tend to categorize romantic love as on a higher plane, it is actually one of our animal qualities that really should be categorized as on a lower plane of human consciousness. Contrary to what we may want to tell ourselves, romantic attraction is actually the result of ancient hard-wiring that once helped the survival of our species.
But as is the case with many other instinctual urges, as conscious beings we are more than capable of intervening with and even overriding the influence of these signals in order to create a more desirable outcome for ourselves. In fact, the person who has been psychologically damaged by a BPD breakup may be just the right candidate for learning how to interpret and intervene with the signals which accompany the beginning stages of romantic love in order to ensure that their last painful experience is not repeated.
There may be some mystery lost in this process, but there are also some very substantial gains to be made in discovering once and for all what makes our love-lives tick. There is a great sense of safety and security that comes from knowing in very specific detail what we must have to be truly fulfilled. The benefit of this level of self-examination should outweigh the uncomfortable cognitive dissonance that may come from this intimate glimpse into our genetic code.
Let’s begin our exploration of romantic love with the first signal that our brain, through our body, gives us when searching for romance.
The Signs of Romantic Love
We are going to start by examining the signals of human attraction. To clarify, it is important to recognize that when we use the word “signal,” we are actually oversimplifying what is a very complex sequence of events. Our brains and body send us a multitude of signals from potential love interests including visual signals, auditory signals and kinesthetic or sensation signals that lead to attraction.
Although all signals that make us feel attracted are authentic, not all of these signals are indications of authentic romantic fulfillment. This is because when we talk about romantic fulfillment, we are referring to an ongoing partnership with another person. This partnership is meant to last into the future, and it is defined by the ability and willingness of our love interest to take care of our ongoing needs, both emotional and physical.
Signals that elicit initial attraction in us are usually signals of temporary fulfillment. They might signal to us that our temporary sexual needs could be met. They also might signal that our temporary companionship needs could be met. But these initial signals are rarely indications that our long-term happiness could be fulfilled.
But just because initial attraction is not a signal of potential authentic fulfillment it doesn’t mean we should ignore it when choosing a partner. We will need to go one step deeper into our analysis of attraction in order to tease apart the qualities of initial attraction that will help us in our choice of mate from those that won’t.
Although we may never be able to track the complete neurological process of attraction, there are certain universal observations we can make about this process. There seem to be two different kinds of attraction. There is the purely physical level of attraction and then there is a psychological element of attraction.
We know that a purely physical attraction is not indicative of a healthy relationship in the future. But because chemical attraction is one of the very important bonds that holds us together potentially for a lifetime it must not be ignored.
In other words, we do need to have a basic sexual attraction to the person we choose as a life partner. Interestingly enough, the physical attraction that we need doesn’t have to be present when we first meet a love interest. Chemical attraction can grow over time, even with a person that does not initially attract us.
Let’s now take a look at the second aspect of initial attraction, the psychological element.
The Psychology of Attraction
Generally speaking, when it comes to the psychological aspect of mate selection human beings tend to have two parts of their brain working to rank our choices. Sometimes these parts work together in harmony, and sometimes they are at odds.
What we might call the more conscious part of our brain will objectively judge a love interest. It will be looking to the future to verify the potential for authentic fulfillment. This is a part of our brain that we can count on and should be able to trust to be acting in our best interest.
Although our conscious brain is very good at identifying authentic fulfillment potential, its choice of mates often does not make it to the top of the list. This is because the psychological qualities that authentically fulfill us in the long-term are generally not very enticing on the outside.
You wouldn’t ask someone out based on the fact that they appear to be very mature or because they seem to be extremely fair-minded or because they act unusually responsibly or because they come across as particularly even-tempered. Yet these are precisely the types of qualities we should be looking for in a partner if we are looking for authentic fulfillment.
But the battle over mate selection between the physical and the psychological are not the only parts competing for our attention. There is what we might consider a third part of our mental process poised to take over if the excitement of the physical and the careful deliberation of the conscious mind allow it to have a say. Let’s now take a look at what happens when our subconscious mind drives our choice of partners.
Mate Selection and the Subconscious Mind
If you have in the past found yourself unable to leave a long-term relationship with someone with harmful BPD traits even though you knew your mental health was suffering, it was probably your subconscious mind that was directing the show.
Our subconscious mind often takes on the role of trying to heal our past psychological injuries through our choice of romantic partners. To our subconscious mind our love life closely mirrors our relationship with our early caretakers. Because of this it will often try to direct us to choose the person who is most likely to reenact the situations that caused us original pain.
In other words, If we were deeply wounded in childhood, we may choose partners who will similarly wound us in adulthood. Our subconscious mind may be hoping that this time around we can somehow reverse the behavior of the person who hurt us which will heal our original injury.
Since few of us would consciously choose a mate that we believe could hurt us, our subconscious mind must perform a certain amount of sleight of hand to get us to commit to an inappropriate partner. When we find ourselves inexplicably drawn to a love interest or we find ourselves justifying qualities that we would ordinarily classify as deal-breakers during mate selection it’s probably our subconscious mind at work.
Similarly if we find ourselves so dazzled by the outer shiny qualities of a future mate that we ignore obvious compatibility obstacles, we can be fairly certain that our subconscious mind is trying to get us to heal an old injury.
Although this goal is certainly noble, it is always preferable to take a more direct and efficient route to heal our psychological injuries. Rather than face potentially decades of pain with an inappropriate partner, it may be advisable, if you believe based on past inappropriate mate selection that you have past wounds to be healed, to find an experienced therapist who can guide you back through time to heal the original injury. Those who have chosen to heal their childhood wounds this way often find their attraction post-therapy naturally points them towards healthy partners.
Now that you have a clearer understanding of initial attraction, let’s turn our attention to how your ex with BPD traits first attracted you. Initially your ex would have presented herself as the kind of woman that anyone might be attracted to. Then later, once a relationship was established, she would have subconsciously zeroed in on your particular likes and dislikes and portrayed those qualities exclusively.
The act of not only portraying the kind of woman anyone would be attracted to but also taking on qualities that you had always been looking for probably added up to what you thought would lead to authentic romantic fulfillment.
But despite our wish to remain naive in imagining these initial signs are reliable, for those who have experienced the illusion of authentic attraction, it may be necessary to instead apply a certain amount of skepticism in beginning evaluations.
It is also important to keep in mind that most individuals who present a false initial presentation are doing so subconsciously. This leaves us in a gray area where we can neither judge a person to be purposely using a romantic con, nor can we assume that what is being presented to us at face value is authentic.
So what can a person who wants to establish an emotionally safe relationship do to protect themselves in this early stage of partnership? The answer to this and all such questions throughout the mate selection process will be the inclusion of a vetting process.
We use this word because it connotes a process of checking another person’s background in order to ensure that what is being presented matches the person’s history. Another reason we use the word vetting is that the process of vetting by its very definition is one that takes time.
The act of vetting a future partner before we jump into a relationship can in itself foil a person with traits of BPD’s wish to get you involved. One of the crucial elements to BPD fulfillment is to get their partners to fall for them before they really know them.
Many ex partners of these individuals insist on meeting family members and carefully listening to stories of their future love interest’s history as well as getting clear feedback from long-term friends to assure them that this person’s outer personae is a verifiable match to their stated history.
Now that we have taken some of the mystery out of the process of initial attraction let’s take a look at what it is that authentically fulfills us once we have chosen a relationship partner. We are going to be examining those qualities or personality traits in potential partners that can authentically fulfill our romantic needs. This exploration will help you expand the criteria you use to choose from when vetting a safe romantic partner.
Qualities of Compatibility
There are many ways to categorize the qualities or traits in people that can provide us with authentic fulfillment. The first set of traits we are going to be examining are those that match our own. This is a well-known way of ensuring a good match, whether we are choosing a friend, a business partner or a romantic partner.
Most of us already know how to identify traits of compatibility in those around us. We simply look for similarities. These could be similarities in temperament, taste or similarities in values. Looking for similarities is a great way to ensure compatibility which is a very important component of authentic fulfillment.
Although most people know it’s a safe choice to go with compatibility, few of us can resist the temptation to at least include in the running those who have opposite traits than our own. These opposing traits can at first seem very enticing.
Although there are certainly exceptions, most often the motivation behind your attraction to the person with opposite traits will be your subconscious mind trying to resolve old insecurities that you may not even be aware of. But many people find that the opposite qualities they so admired in the beginning can become qualities that they resent later on. Let’s take a quick look at why.
We often admire those who have qualities that we wish we possessed. It is only natural to want to associate ourselves with those who we admire. But when this person excels in areas that we have a strong lack, our hidden shame over our inability to overcome these challenges can catch up to us. Eventually the admiration can feel like salt in our wounds.
So if you find yourself attracted to a love interest based on the fact that she’s always on time while you’re always late, or she’s organized to perfection while you can’t seem to keep your personal space in any type of order, be aware that these differences have the potential to not only take away fulfillment in later years but can create a set of additional problems to overcome.
We’re now going to look at a second level of compatibility that will help us complete our investigation into romance that does not directly depend on similarities. We will find that this aspect of mate selection can be very helpful when it comes to authentic fulfillment. Interestingly enough, sometimes the qualities that will create the most fulfillment for us are not those that we like in another person. They are qualities in the other person that will make them like us.
Although we all have a natural tendency to try to find a mate who we will appreciate, we would probably do better to be looking for qualities that would make our future partner appreciate all our good qualities. Even more importantly we would also do well to try to find a partner whose personality will allow them to accept our bad qualities even after the glow of new romance wears off.
When we choose a romantic partner, we often decide whether to make a commitment based on not just the qualities we like, but how bothersome we find their negative qualities. The difference between a pass and a deal-breaker is often simply a question of temperament in the person doing the choosing.
Since there are many books and articles that can help you define both your good and bad qualities and also show you what kind of personality types are the most compatible with you we’ll leave this area and move on to the next part of our discussion.
We’re now going to take a look at the most defining element of romantic fulfillment, a quality that we all possess that is so rarely talked about that we lack even the most basic language to discuss. This quality exists because of a hidden personality trait that every single one of us possesses.
The trait we are going to be discussing next is what we might label an irrational need for validation. This is a trait that causes a very clearly observable irrationality in each of our daily interactions. But because it is so universal it becomes virtually invisible to even the most observant among us.
Despite any personality trait they might have, it is the ability of our romantic partner to fulfill our extreme need for validation that will define whether or not we are romantically fulfilled. Incidentally, we will find that it is this universal personality trait of extreme need for validation that can make even the healthiest among us vulnerable to the allure of the person with traits of BPD.
Let’s now take a closer look at the hidden personality trait that on one hand causes the greatest amount of pain in the realm of romance and on the other hand can supply us with the ultimate romantic fulfillment.
The Universal Need for Validation
Most of us are aware that validation from others for our thoughts, feelings and beliefs are helpful in our interactions and can create a positive environment. But very few of us are aware that we have an actual need for this continual validation. As it turns out, validation is actually something we must actively receive in order to feel comfortable in the presence of others.
In order to easily illustrate this rarely talked about need, all we need to do is take a look at any day in our lives where we interact with others. What will become clear very quickly is that in almost all of our interactions with others where we feel neutral towards them, we actually extend positive reinforcement or validation. And even more strangely, we can also easily observe that this non-neutral positive validation is actually perceived by the other person as merely neutral.
What this shows us is that in order to come across neutrally to others, we must put forth some kind of positive validation. Although few of us are aware of it, not extending validation, whether it’s with complete strangers or with our closest loved ones, causes us to feel insecure.
Even if no one has insulted us, without a positive approach we very often feel offended. The truth is that even those we completely trust, our best friend or long-time spouse must give us continual validation in order to keep our feathers from being ruffled.
In case you may be wondering why human beings possess this trait of insecurity that leads to the need for continual validation, while there is no way for us to really know where this odd sensitivity stems from, we can make a pretty good guess that it has something to do with the fact that our species happens to be social and communal.
Just as we know we have ancient hard-wiring that causes us to want to bond with our family, peers and community, it is an equally logical assumption that we would have similar hard-wiring that causes us to fear being shunned from family, peers and community. We might label these fears or insecurities as a fear of not bonding, with the end result being the same as those traits that give us the urges to want to bond.
So how does the personality trait of a need for excessive validation in order to just feel okay fit into the concept of romantic fulfillment? Validation is an essential component of romantic fulfillment. It is so important that when we fall in love our chemicals change us into people who obsessively validate our partner for up to a year or sometimes more. Let’s take a closer look at this strange phenomenon.
When we are in love, our brains literally change our perceptions when it comes to our loved one. Our brains seem to magically erase what we think are the negative qualities and magnify the positive qualities. The result is two people that are constantly validating each other to extraordinary levels, producing an amazingly strong bond between people who were very often complete strangers before they fell in love.
We have only one expression for this extraordinary phenomenon. We sometimes say love is blind. But we have no language at all to explain the lengths to which the average person must validate another in everyday life in order to not risk offending them.
This total lack of awareness and thus lack of language of a universally-experienced sensitivity causes terrible problems in relationships of all kinds. People frequently have falling-outs due to this over-sensitivity, and because they are neither aware of what offended them nor do they have language to communicate about it, they are helpless to resolve the problem.
Frequently those with more sensitivity and thus a stronger need for validation experience romantic partners with a less extreme version of the trait to be mean or unkind. But because none of the actions of their partner can be classified as negative but are instead the lack of continual validation, the issue cannot be directly addressed. And without resolution the relationship may end without either side truly understanding why.
You might think that validation only applies to our emotions and that those who are highly emotional need it while those who are less emotional don’t. But the truth is that validation comes in many forms. Certainly those with strong emotions crave validation for their feelings. But those who are highly intellectual will seek out an equal amount of intellectual validation from those around them.
Not only are there several types of validation, all of them leading to romantic fulfillment, but there are also several different ways to receive validation. Let’s take a look at some of the most common ways.
We may validate others’ feelings, ideas or beliefs insincerely, usually referred to as being polite. This is most often done with acquaintances. We may slightly edit our own feelings, ideas or beliefs in order to bond with others or make them feel more comfortable. We usually use this form of validation with our friends.
We also might validate others by purposely adopting their viewpoint and then showing we would agree with their conclusions if we experienced life as they do. We most often put this type of effort in with people we have lifetime relationships with, those who are very important to us, often with our children or our spouses.
And there is one more way that we commonly validate others. We may validate them completely naturally because we just so happen to already share their thoughts, feelings or beliefs. It is this kind of natural validation that people refer to as clicking with another or being on the same wavelength. But even within this type of natural validation there are different variations.
We might have the same feelings, thoughts or beliefs as another person. But there are some people that not only share what we feel, think or believe, but have come to these conclusions for the exact same reasons. This particular type of natural validation is not only the most effortless, but it is also the most deeply fulfilling. We will find that sharing another person’s perceptions to this extent is the ultimate in validation and therefore the ultimate in authentic romantic fulfillment.
When we find someone who already shares not only our perspective when it comes to our feelings, thoughts and beliefs, but the reason we came to those conclusions, we find ourselves in a setup where both people are able to continuously validate each other without having to put in any effort.
At this point we are in a positive validation loop. This means that as long as we are communicating with the other person, both of our validation needs will met. We will be able to get and give all the validation we need with almost no effort needed on either side.
Sadly, since no two people have identical thoughts, feelings and beliefs, we can, of course, never achieve a perfect union. But sharing enough of our reasons behind our thoughts, feelings and beliefs in order to produce a certain amount of natural validation can be a very helpful criteria to use when choosing a partner.
So what exactly does validation do for us that makes it such a valuable commodity? Because all people have irrational fears around acceptance and approval, especially from our romantic partner, the act of being validated soothes those fears.
And when our fears of disapproval and rejection are soothed, we feel that we can drop our defenses. We can finally truly relax and trust knowing that we will be accepted for our true selves. And being accepted for ourselves is another hallmark of authentic romantic fulfillment.
Validation and Traits of BPD
Validation plays a very important role in relationships with people with strong traits of BPD. Because of the extraordinary aptitude of the person with traits of BPD to emulate a person who shares every thought, feeling and belief of their romantic partner, most people who get involved with them will have the distinct impression that this person is that sought after perfect natural match.
In reality it is important to recognize that this perfect love that you may have thought you found cannot exist in real life. An essential part of the healing process after a BPD breakup is accepting that the person that was initially presented to you was a fabrication.
Although it was probably not conscious on her part, her goal was to get you to believe that she could authentically fulfill your every romantic wish. This was done solely to guarantee that you would give her the only kind of attention that could satisfy her.
So how can you use the concept of validation to help in your future choice of romantic partners? Realistically we know you can’t simply wait around for the rare person who both shares most of your perspectives on life and who you are attracted to.
But you can certainly take a love interest’s personality traits into account to judge whether they will be able to validate you in the long-term. And if you do happen to beat the odds by running into a person who has the potential for this kind of positive synergy with you, by all means you should make the effort to pursue it.
It does take time to heal from a BPD breakup, but moving on in search of a healthy partner should not have to take additional time to heal from. With the knowledge of how the human brain can work to secure us either a healthy and productive relationship or, left on its own, to procure us one that is guaranteed to cause us pain, you should be able to navigate successfully through this challenging journey.
Related Posts:
BPD and the Nice Guy Personality Type
Did Your Ex-Girlfriend Have Traits Of Borderline Personality Disorder?
Identifying Traits of BPD In Women Before Relationship Commitment
Romantic Idealization And Devaluation In Women With Traits of BPD
Women With Traits of BPD – Why Men Stay
Did Your Ex-Girlfriend Have Traits of BPD: How to Let Go of the Good Times
Did Your Ex-Girlfriend Have Traits of BPD-The Defense Mechanism of Projection
Note To Readers: I’d like to take a moment to thank all of you who have taken the time to post in my comments section. Your questions, opinions and personal stories form an invaluable contribution to this important discussion.
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It is difficult to admit to myself that I was in a relationship with a woman with traits of BPD. I would have thought it was an all or none Disorder. You would think if a person could control their emotions in their professional life, they could do the same in a romantic relationship. Indeed it is this belief that kept me in a relationship with someone long after I should have walked away- the belief that the bizarre and sometimes violent behavior could be controlled with patience and positive role modeling. After reading almost all of your articles, I have to sadly accept I allowed myself to become emotionally attached to someone with traits of BPD, and the letting go process is nearly impossible once that emotional bond has been formed. But I have realized my subconscious indeed pulled the wool over my eyes and overrode all the warning signs. I was drawn to the lure of excitement and passion- something lacking in my life. And what you said about the indescribable feeling of intensity and connection with this person is spot on. But apparently not the right benchmark for long term fulfillment. I told myself I could accept the extreme highs and lows just to have the passion and connection. But I failed- my endurance in what was sure to be a lifelong marathon gave out. I had the prize, but the rest of my life was disappearing. Whoever coined the term “sacrifice everything for love” should be ashamed of themselves.
Appreciate your thoughts in my ongoing saga.
My exgirlfriend dumped me in Nov 2017 (we had been dating since April 2017 having met at work. I was new to the organisation whereas she was already established). During this initial period she absolutely love bombed me at every level and I became completely hooked on her as much as I tried to keep a sense of proportion. She wanted to get engaged very quickly and she was passionate like no one I have ever met to date.
Anyway I had this idea to make bespoke gifts for Xmas one of which was to draw a picture of her and her two children, so I went to her Facebook homepage. We weren’t ever linked. I made a start on the drawing and a few days later I recommenced, but I appeared to be blocked. She confirmed I was blocked on the basis that something I said annoyed her. Anyway she said she would unblock me. A week later I was keen to get going on this project as Xmas was looming, but I was still blocked so again I phoned and this time she was in the middle of health crisis with her daughter, so I said well naturally deal with that and forget my query. She then said she was ‘sick of it and we were over’. Initially I felt she was just stressed, but she then followed this up with texts saying, “We don’t want your Xmas presents either!” I said well could you let me know how your daughter is with which she responded with, “I will let her father know!”
A few days later at work, I tried to talk to her, but she maintained it was over so I backed off. Ironically I was leaving the organisation as I decided that having a relationship at work was not ideal and as she had been there longer than me and it fitted her childcare situation I decided it was better for me to leave.
At the Xmas work party (last time I would have seen her as I was leaving the following day and she did not work that day), I left and just said goodbye to her in a collective sense as she was talking to others. As I walked down the steps she ran after me and said, “Is that all you are going to say?” Not long after she text me saying it will be weird I am not there and we agreed to go on a walk after my leaving party. On the walk she was cold and indifferent so wasn’t sure why she even went and just prior to walking she said, we still don’t want the Xmas presents.
Now, just before I left I sent an email thanking everyone and in it I also said I may have met my future partner in the organisation. Most people knew we were seeing each other anyway. As a result of this she had to field questions when she returned to work and I did not tell her. I did this because she was annoyed I denied her at work so I wanted to demonstrate I no longer had to. However she was fuming and said to ‘never contact her gain forever’. Having explained via email my rationale as she refused to take calls, she started texting me.
From the period (end of Dec 2017 until Feb 2018) we were texting daily, but she still refused to meet or accept calls. The texting was all over the place and some days she was kind and appeared to demonstrate interest still, whereas other days she would cite all the things I did wrong (how I pushed her away from the start and did not make her feel special or that I even liked her, but then in the next breath she would state how she knows I love her?).
It was exhausting trying to work it all out and after one day where she sent one negative text after another and then alluded to going out inferring she was meeting someone, I suggested we have some space. This resulted in her saying, “I would never hear from her again and she was now blocking me” True to her word I never heard from her since. I sent a few friendly letters during the month of Feb to Mar 2018 explaining how I wanted to work it out and how I did care for her, even injecting some humour, but she never responded. I sent a final closure letter and included a drawing of her pet. I just said I would respect her wishes and not make further contact, but if she was ever to change her mind then she knows where I am. This resulted in her contacting the cops and I received a phone call a few days later from them just advising that she wanted a clean break and it would be wise not to write further as it could end up in legal terrain. Needless to say I could ill afford any legal ramifications for my career. So I immediately went no contact.
But the thing is I miss her terribly and cannot understand what changed. She was so intense and loving and making plans and then she switched into someone I did not recognise. It looks like she is now dating someone else so the situation is hopeless I guess. I treated her well in my opinion and really loved her. The pain of separation is nothing like I have experienced before and I was in two very long-term relationships and still remain good friends with both these exes. I have never been blocked out of someone’s life before. What adds insult to injury is that I feel I cannot return to the place where we worked together and a person I got on with really well there has not returned my email so I suspect my character has been possibly sullied, although I have no actual confirmation of this. I was a manager there.
I am still left flummoxed whilst she has skipped onto the next person. My sleep patterns have been affected, appetite loss, irritability and a sense of gloom fills me. Prior to this I was such a happy character and loved our time together. I don’t know if I am having an overreaction, but have never felt like this before so have no comparative benchmark sadly. The separation can get so intense that I feel I still need to reach out to her, but given she is now dating I feel this would be futile and more to the point, I don’t think she would hesitate in contacting the police again as she has already demonstrated this. I know she has threatened her previous ex this way.
I am at a real loss as to what to do. It is four months since I had contact with her and then it was only her telling me she was blocking me. If anything the pain is getting worse. My ex partners have been quite clear that I should not reach out to her and I get that, but it’s so painful just watching her move on whereas I am stuck. But I see little options open to me if I’m honest. I think it’s the lack of understanding, lack of proper closure and being completely blocked which makes it all the more painful notwithstanding the humiliation of a phone call from the police. I genuinely feel traumatised and in essence we only dated a year, but it just felt so intense and we shared our innermost secrets and had such passion. She would even cry saying it was because she loved me so much.
Markus, your story is unfortunately very typical for a nice guy type who gets enmeshed with an individual with traits of BPD. Clearly she doesn’t qualify for diagnosis, but the effect on a partner can be just as devastating. These individuals do not have the normal sense of conscience that the rest of us have. They are more than happy to express unrealistic projections that make a person fall for them. This will often include promises of everlasting love which they have neither the relationship skills nor the emotional stability to actually deliver on.
They are capable of sensing your most vulnerable emotional weakness and exploiting it to whatever benefit they want. This can be to make you feel like you are the most amazing person they have ever met so they can get 100 percent of your attention for as long as they feel safe. Inevitably they feel smothered by the partner’s complete and total attention and feel the need to end the relationship.
The reason you will not get closure is because these individuals have no reason to give you for ending it. They loved how it felt in the beginning, and they hated how it felt at the end. That’s as complicated as their emotions get. They are incapable of facing guilt from their empty promises because for them self-blame is the equivalent of self-hatred. So they do what they have to do in order to avoid self-blame.
You may be able to get a few clues from referring back to how she made you feel. It can be helpful in making necessary separations to recognize that it wasn’t the woman herself that you long for. It was the amazing way she made you feel. The way she evoked these feelings was by accepting you completely with no negative judgment. She also allowed you to see her with no boundaries up.
This is a situation that partners may eventually reach after a few years of building trust with each other. But by the time we are trusting enough of our partner to stay open up to this level, we are not in that wondrous state of new love. We’re in an old shoe of a relationship that is not going to provide that much excitement.
But just like nutritious food, healthy romantic connections are not going to be the most exciting. So it’s very important to recognize that romantic love in its ultimate or extreme form that a person with traits of BPD presents will not result in long-term romantic fulfillment. We should be looking for the nutritional element of a relationship that consists of interpersonal skills, character, integrity, commitment and loyalty which are the very things that a person with traits of BPD lacks.
These articles are fascinating and very helpful. I just ended a relationship with a woman whom, after much research, I have determined had to have been at least BPD, possibly Narcissist.
However as I read more of the stories and the ‘typical’ progression, mine sometimes either misses those definitions or, more likely, due to my response the phases were crazily compressed/overlapped.
I’d be classified, according to the articles here, as a ‘nice guy’ (I especially liked that the article realized a NC isnt’ so out of low self-esteem) but also with a healthy ability to forego relationships that don’t seem right. A Discriminating Nice Guy one might say.
I was also quit vulnerable when I met my BDP Type Girl. I’d been w/o gf for a long while due to taking care of ailing father (who passed), then trying to rebiuld my business/finances while also helping with my mother. So I had little time, no money, no place to speak of, working 80+ hours a week, stressed out and out of shape. Needless to say not only looking for GF, not in position as a man to realistically pursue so all my energy was on my rebuild. Clearly quite vulnerable to typical BPD/NPD “Love Bomb”.
This girl was for some reason quite taken with me, took my # and was super aggressive about seeing me. We had a drink, she was very forthcoming about some sexual things, let me know next day how much she liked me. I told her (as I was not intersted in dating or her) I was not ready to date. She told me she wanted to find someone to move into a committed and monogamous relationship. I said ok but that is not me sorry. As I did not want to be a “typical male” jerk and take advantage of her promised sexuality if I did not plan on offering a relationship.
We kept in touch and it was always pretty aggressive love-bombing as she made it clear for some reason I was, if not “it”, firmly in her radar as a keeper. I also got the full suite of how handsome, smart, how she didn’t care I lived with my mother that she believed in me taking care of her and working on my business.
We slowly started to get closer as even though I’d rejected the love bombing, having a person in my life again who was interested in me and my well-being, who texted me each day and showed interest was creating a connection for me. I was also very supportive of her, contributing greatly to a huge raise she got at work, being an ear for some issues she discussed with me (while always telling me ‘there are things you need to know about me” or “I am very shy when I see you again I’ll tell you why”). which I was always supportive and non-judgmental about. One I think I should have listened to with more care was that she was in therpay to deal with the fact she drank to blackout stage. I was suprised as I’d never seen that and she said “I don’t drink like that with you”.. Somehow I thought this was a recentl development due to some other personal issue she told me about.
In any event as of last December we tentatively enteried into a limited physical relationship (things we did and how often), again with my being very giving. I was clear however I could not, until I got my business together and finances under my feet and could take care of myself and my mother and be in a happy secure place have time for a real relationship, that i needed to take that slow, having been out of dating for awhile and having my heart closed to boot. In other words “be gentle” 🙂
So I[m gathering by now f she is BDP/NPD she is sitll not getting the emotional ‘support’ (or fuel) she is hopng for as I am withholding a good deal of that. She is still ‘the pursuer’.
She still ignores all of my entreaties to give me time and space to get my life together so I can consider a full on relationship; for instance she’ll tell me I need to reconsider moving to California where I am desparate to move because a) my niece is there b) I hate NY c) Ihave had several really horrible years here and want a fresh start. She does not care because she wants to stay here and I need to consider getting (buying) a place with her. Almost every day there is some text alluding to us ‘together’ to the point I call her relentless. I sort of wish she wold stop and respect ME and where I am so I can move at my own pace with her.
She ups the ante greatly when she gets a new place and makes me a set of keys, tells me “I want you to come and go as you please”. We finally and fully ‘cosummate’ sexually and for and according to her at least ‘amazing’. She then shows me to drawers she emptied in her bedroom for me and says I want you to start leaving things here and consider this your space here. She also wants me to start staying over because she wants to fall asleep and wake up in my arms. She gets mad at me one day after I offered to pick her up and take her to the emergency room at midnnight for the flu because I didn’t follow-up the next day with a call too (“if you really cared you’d have called the next morning, and you can see my point that you should have come by and taken care of m the next night”). In other words, despite everything I’ve said, she is treating me as and I am acting as a full-on boyfriend.
I miss a critical conversation here however; as I am leaving (after another amazing interlude) she keeps saying ‘Bye Boyfriend! Bye Boyfriend.” and “You don’t know it yet but you are going to ask me to be your girlfriend by the end of the month”. it does give me great food for thought since to me we are pretty much ther and I am considering making that official move/request the next time I see her.
Yet she is not finished with this campaign it seems or doesnt realize she’s already ‘won’; I meet her at my local bar and she lets ‘slip’ she ‘messed around’ with some guy on ‘a date’ and at her place no less. I guess I have no right to complain from some legalistic perspective but still; in the place you gave me the keys in the room you gave me drawers, the week you chewed me out for not nuring you back to health from the flu. I decide to just “eat it” since yes, in theory I/we had never ‘had the talk’ and before I can she tells me abiout a date she is going on with another guy the next night. “Well you said you dont’ want a relationship and I do”. Ok, I sort of get it BUT either respect I said it or don’t; don’t keep pushing me to give you one and when I do act like it is not just that. The thing that blows my mind however is her next sentence ‘I know I would cheat on him if I dated him, I’d never cheat on you because I like you so much and our sex is so good”. This pulls the rugh out from under me. Who THINKS like that. I ask her if she’d marry him she says probably if we dated and he asked. I say well would you cheat on him then? She says yeah probably he just doesn’t do it for me.
Now was clearly the time to run, because as per the nice-guy article I’m just not processing that poeple think like this, and certainly not this girl/woman that has “mirroed” my entire fidelity/monogamy meme from day one (for instance she texted me once ‘are you with anyone?’ I said “Yeah Lenovo”, meaning my laptop and she said “if you are dating you should not be texting me”. Which I agree with totally).
Naturally I don’t tell her then ‘hey look it seems like we are in a real relationship let’s offiially call it that and see what we have here’.
She texts me a few days later and asks if I am freaked out by what she said, says she had a lot to drink and din’t mean most of it. I never buy that about talking/drinking however. She tells me I am one of the closest people in the world to her (I believe that), that while she has ‘dabbled’ since we started being intimate she has not had sex with anoyone and really just told me about the date/guys because she wants me to be jealous and realize we should be together.
We agree that I should come do that night what she invited me to do; cook and stay over with her in my arms. I cook, we mess around (again me giving) and when she is sated she goes to bed and says come hold me and go to sleep. I’m really spun around now, I’m looking down at her realizing if I didn’t ‘find out’ about the other guys I’d be cluelessly climbing into bed and giving her my heart. I leave.
She texts me the next day to ask if I left “because of things I am working on”. I don’t really know how to answer, I make up something else, we devolve into some text argument where she is clearly not concenred with where I am coming from.
My self-preservation self gets the upper hand, I return her key to her doorman. She *seems* to take it in stride ‘thanks, I hope we can be civil if whe ever see each other”. I sent her a scathing email telling her how I feel about her ideas of fidelity and intimacy and that I’m horrified I almost let my guard down. I sitll cant wrap my head around giving me keys, makling love for eight hours (sharing a sex toy she said she has never used with anyone or herself until now), giving me drawers in her bedroom and then invigint another guy up to that apt and room AND sharing the same toy. It just does not compute ‘the talk’ or not. I tell her I think she told me these things TO push me away, and that if she’d handled things differently and just let us be casual or let me know she wanted to date we could still have the most important thing we did have; a friendship.
She asks me to PLEASE meet her and talk so ‘God cn guide our words and hearts’. We do, and she keeps insisting that regardless of ANYTHING, because of her past (?) she needs to be asked to be in a committed relationship or she is not. I don’t and havent’ lived my life like that, I’ve been with committe monogamous women and we just knew we were in one and there is a difference between being ABLE techniically to be with other people and wanting to. I have not texted let alont touched another woman sine we started being intimate. In any event, sine she needs to hear the words that I want to be in a committed relationship with her I say them, and in fact half-playing say ‘will you be my one and only’. She CRIES and says yes. I say let’s start this over on Friday and have our first real date as boyfriend/girlfriend, and I’ll even ask again then.
So far this mihgt seem like modern day boy-meets-girl I’m not sure, but there are definitley strains of BDP minus my falling for the love bombs early on and taking a long time to come around and give her the emotional support she needed. However now it gets weird.
She texts me next day and asks me to meet to ‘clear some things up before Friday” (our ‘Date’). I fiture she is backing out. But nope, she just met her therpaist and she wants to CONFIRM I am going to ask her to be my gilfriend Friday. I’m a but taken aback because it is not ‘my wife’ it is just… let’s call what we have what it is, a relationship, and see what we have when there is no ambiguity and we are both commtted’. However i tell her ‘yes I am but I already DID and you said yes’. She jumps in my arms and says “Sooo many people are going to want to meet you, I haven’t had a committed relationship or real boyfriend in ten years’. Mid-30. Scary red flag.
Now it gets weirder. I’m already not comfortable with her whole take on monogamy/fidelity and how it is somehow dependent on ‘words’ not actions. I text the next day to see how she is, she is very happty to hear from me, she is out at ‘her’ wine bar a few blocks away. No invite. I make some comment about my friend wanting to double-date, she says she’d love to but is surprised I talked about her. I tongue in cheekc say well of course I do but now I have to, it is the law, you are my girlfriend. She says “I am not your gf yet. You need to ask still” At a wine bar, making it clear she is NOT my gf, after making it clear until it is asked and answered she does not consider herself committed. 180 degrees from how I feel. We get into a text tiff and she basically keeps repeating ‘this is all new for me how you are treating me I need to hear it officially’ or ‘I’d hate two drinks that night and odnt remember everything it would mean a lot if you would just ask me again, officially. That is what I want; an officiaal question and an offical answer’. Weird as hell to me because, again, we are just agreeing that we are in fact in a relationship, we are not getting engaged. Engaged, sure, I’ll get to my knees. Little do I know she basiclaly means that. I tell her this is not how people act, either you are committed in your heart or not an words mean nothing, I will say them, but don’t ask me to ask them if they are not in your HEART because they mean something to me.
We have ANOTHER talk at her house, sigh, finally I tell her that if there is going to be a WE that includes ME and I need reassurance too. So she texts me ‘of course I am committed to you I just can;t wait for you to ask me agian tomorrow’. I tell her I’ll rebook the restaurant and she FLIPS out that I cancelled, I am running, and I say no, I was walking away because none of this sounded right. I will rebook.
I pull out ll the stops on our date, and this 35 yo woman acts like a 15 year old being asked to her first prom, it is VERY weird. I get out of the Uber and escort her from the lobby of her building and she says ‘wow you didnt have to get out of the car’ I say of course I did. I open the door and help her in ditto. We get to the restauirant and the hostess comes for us and walks us to the table she says ‘who goes first you or me?’ (???) I put my hand on the small of her back and escort her and hold her seat. And it gets weird(er) AGAIN: She says ‘before you ask me whatever you are going to ask me’ (we both know what it is, I have asked 3 times, confirmed 5 times and texted a dozen times; we are going to agree to agree we have a real relationship like the adults we supposedly are). we need to take EVERYTHING that happend so far off the tbale. I say ‘Well please tell me what that means’. She says ‘well mostly that I ever said I wanted a relationhsip with you’. Which is all she has said to me for the eighteen months she knew me and the 4 month we have been ‘dating’ (if ‘we need to disucss whether you should move to California because I want to spend my life in NY’ is not I’m not sure what is).
I’m annoyed. I aske her why she is shooting herself in the foot. Again. She tells me not to talk, to listen and to hear how scared she is. I tell her we aren’t getting married; we are just agreeing to do what we’ve been doing but to agree we are a couple so we can see what we have together. We toast to new beginnings.
For the first time I spend the night at her house, and give her everything she asked for; I hold her in my arms until she falls asleep, I wake her up kissing her cheeks. We spend the entire day in bed or on her couch, which for me is blessed relief since normally I’d be up at 5am working, instead I have a woman, my girlfriend, in my lapand am not thinkng about work. This girl who was yesterday terrified now goes back to future bombing as she always did but now that i am ‘in’ goes full-bore; she says she is going to buy a King Size bed so we can sleep comfortbaly together every night, she says the apartment is not big enough for two we need to consider where we would move, she tells me Sautrday Night should be our ‘official date night’ no matter what else we do and we can explore the city together every week, she spends hours figuting out pet names, she makes me look at her entire family photo album, she asks what foods she should keep in the house for me, she says we should dicuss finances, she ‘confirms’ with me I want the role of ‘provider and protector’ in her life.
This is how she has been for 18 months except now a) she is pulling out all the stops and b) I’m putting my hands down for once and believing in it all. I mean this is not what I meant by ‘lets be a couple’ but I figure maybe I’ve missed what is going on by being so walled off so I go with the whole fantasy. I’ll be exploring the icty with my girlfriend each week, making love in our king size bed all night, lounging in bed on sundays cooking or eating and calling each other pet names, maybe driving out and meeting the family. I have resisted this from her for months and for my life for YEARS.
The next day she texts me to meet her she wants to talk. And I know what is coming; without preamble she says ‘look you are a super guy but I’m not ready for a committed monogamous relationship with you’. As if *I* somehow out of the blue tried to change a friends-with-benefits arrangement. I ask her if she realize how f-ed up what she just did is, by which I mean not jsut the 18 months of pushing but the entire ‘you need to ask ofificaly’ crawling thorugh glass week, the dinner and the day of presenting and laying out her vision and dream of a future with me. “I didn’t do anythinng, we just see things differently”. I can’t even anwser that because clearly he has just told her self a narrative that isn’t close to the truth and who can argue with that. I am quite pissed and hurt, so I simply say “I knew this is who you were when I met you, I knew you dind’t mean anything you said when I met you biut thank you for opening my heart to dating again I am going to go date!’, And left.
What blows me away and one thing that really made me thing this was BPD/NPD is he never reached out again. Not to apologize and say sorry I got freaked out and ran I really love you. Not I’ll always remember you I just cant do this dont hate me. NOTHING. I ended up finally sending her a letter about a month later as I decided I could either carry the crap or the good stuff with me into my own future relationships and told her how much she meant to me, that I missed her and didn’t even realize how my heart would soar when I saw her name pop up on my phone, how I wished she would find the love and live she deserves, and how I’ll always remember her and how she opened my heart to love again.
Reply from this girl who a few days ago was chomping at the bit to introduce me to her entire extended family as her first real boyfriend/relationship in a decade, who was planning on a new bed for us to sleep in every night, who basically had our lives planned out together? “thank you for the nice note. hope you’ve been well”. Naturally I never wrote back because mine was a goodbye letter more for me than her but still.
I wonder as I write this is this was an actual BPD/NPD. Certainly ther was ‘overvaluation’ but I was pretty immune. Certainly I was a ‘nice guy’ but had boundaries. The ‘devaluation’ stage seemed not only bried but sort of in keeping with what ‘normal’ people do (gf says you are out of shape, etc, nothing cutting or harsh). Even the ‘Discard’ stage was after I walked out, she seemed to, at least to the best of her abilities, be attempting to ‘break up’ nicely even if dishonestly. Except it was right after the massive drawing me in to a complete and utter committed relationship and future. The real ‘Discard’ seems to be now which is what I hae a hard time wrapping my head around. I just bought into the whole future us narrative she painted the last DAY we were togetiher. She clearly had a whole vision of us and a future ie.. ‘together forever’ that day and for weeks and months and months prior. So how did she just disappear and discard me? Does any of this even seem BDP?
Alan, yes, this seems to follow the trajectory of a relationship with a person with traits of BPD who does not have severe enough problems to qualify for the diagnosis but who is just as capable of damaging her partner as one who is.
Interestingly she is highly organized and functioning in her job, super clean and organized. She does seem to exhibit both substance abuse and anorexia/body dysmorphia (her own words).
Do you have any insight into the week or her doing the ‘you have to ask officially’? It is still the part I don’t get as if she’d ‘devalued’ me by then and for some reason said ‘yes’ when caught off guard, she had ample opportunity to just say so the next day but instead doubled-down and then somehow “forced” me into the whole official gesture. I get the whole cycle of ‘buyers remorse’ with BPD but to me as i read it that is somewhat protracted; guy buys in, girl starts to lose interest, gets very cutting, eventuallly discards. This is strange to me because I had NOT bought in and when I did was a) pushed into TOTALLY buying in (I had not, I had just agreed to agree we were in a relationship and to see what it was about and then b) paint the entire future-us and then c) without any devaluation period immediatly discard me. It seems like s atrange version of the cycle, I guess they are not all the same.
Do you think my response (thank you for opening my heart to dating I am going to go date) and follow-up letter wherein I showed no regert/.anger and retierated thanking her for opening me to dating OTHER people, had any effect on her or my ‘;power’ in this dynamic should she try to reconnect? I’m still unclear for instance if I was discarded/devalued why she’d even bother replying and not in a nasty way at that.
I have great sympathy for the men who really bought into this, I am reeling and in pain and I never loved this woman or saw a future together. I was only somewhat vested in dating in the last 6 weeks or so of our ‘relationhip’ when I’d started developing an actual connection (vs love bomb connection), the sex was not, as other men said, addictive/amazing (excpet for her if she is to be believed about anything), and I really only bought into the whole future thing when she painted it out the night before she broke it off and even then it was less about her than that I had not had that in a long while. I can’t imagine the devesation if I’d fallen for her early on and thought she was the love of my life. I lost the “love of my life” years ago, it was devestating and I can’t imagine adding the pain of that to the utter confusion of this.
Alan, the details during the idealization/devaluation process can very from person to person. What I can tell you that might help with the confusion that does not let men recover from this experience is that everything she did in terms of bringing you close in would have been to help her manage her own emotional state. It did not take you into account at all.
There is often an undercurrent of terror of abandonment and fear of judgment from these individuals. There is also a desperate need to fulfill or fill up the empty hole that all people experience when they can’t take care of their own needs but can only get them taken care of by another.
They tend to get panicked and often ask for a commitment of some kind. So it’s important to remember these wishes for closeness and even declarations of endless love are made to quell a fear of hers. It wouldn’t be based on who she thinks you are. Her devaluation may not even correspond to how you actually feel. She may imagine at some point that you are committed and push you away based on that.
Nice guy types often struggle with this because they don’t realize they are being put on a pedestal or idealized. The person with BPD traits is projecting the nice guy’s actual traits. They are projecting that their love interest will make a commitment to take care of them forever which a nice guy will actually do. They are projecting that the nice guy can do something very difficult for most people, to consistently treat her needs as importantly as his own. They are imagining he can control his urges in terms of fidelity. They imagine that he values his relationship with a romantic partner as one of the most important aspects of his life.
These are characteristics that few people can achieve but which come naturally for most nice-guy personality types. They may have terrible flaws in other areas, but when it comes to relationships, they can truly be relied on.
So the nice guy may not necessarily feel idealized because what she is projecting on him is actually true to his character. But she would project the same thing onto any love interest. It only happens that this time her projection is accurate. So nice guy types may not get the warning that other men probably would.
In terms of the pain you are feeling, you are spot on. With the pain you are experiencing without full emotional commitment, imagine what that pain would be like if you were head over heels in love. It’s really shame that this strange phenomenon has not been studied and that partners of these individuals are not able to find help to get them through this period of devastation after a BPD breakup.
That is terrifying. In terns of when BPD Women choose ‘Nice Guys’ then how come they wouldn’t then stay with them since on top of the initial ‘projection’ those qualities remain? I’m pretty sure she returned to her ex who physically and emotionally abusive not to mention unfaithful. Her prior was a boss who slept with her and told her to ‘wait’ for him for years and years. She is friends with an ex from way back who cheated on her who, according to her gets violently abusive with her when they drink. Most of the men (from what I gather) she pursues take her up on her forward sexuality and then disappear unlike myself who declined since I could not offer a relationship she wanted at the time.
So I guess the question is if a BDP woman appears to be putting men on a pedestal to create this fantasy of strong/supporting/kind/faitfhul man that will put her first why would she then run when after the ‘love bomb’ phase it turns out he IS all those things?
Alan, the reason a person with traits of BPD leaves the nice guy even if he turns out to be everything she wanted is because she doesn’t believe anyone could control themselves to this degree. She doesn’t believe nice guy types exist. Even healthy people who do not have nice guy traits and who were not raised by nice guy/girl types often do not believe that anyone could have these qualities. Nice guy types may be labeled as posers who underneath the niceness are just as bad-natured as the average person or their good nature is characterized as submissive.
But chances are slim that she will ever find out he is who she thought he was in the beginning. Very soon after idealization is devaluation where she projects the most negative qualities on him, those qualities she claims her ex partners have. Sometimes these individuals stay with the nice guy, projecting that he is abusive and sometimes they stay with the bad guy type who they also project correctly, only this time the correct projection is the devaluation projection.
On the other hand, nice guy types have the opposite tendency. They just can’t believe others could have such a tragic lack of ability to control themselves which is often what makes them stay in BPD relationships. It takes a great deal of education in order for each of us to recognize that the small differences in personality cause a very major difference in perception of the world.
It would be fascinating if it weren’t for the terrible damage these individuals cause to those around them.
Fascinating if you’re not The Nice Guy 😐 🙂
I am struggling with the fact I lashed out at her before giving her a chance to talk (“you’re a great guy I just am not ready for a committed relationship”) since she had pushed me so hard and long past my comfort levels to give her just that. Clearly she was not just doing a ‘Discard’ or disappear and trying to do me the respect of telling me (even if her narrative was wrong).
I yelled some mean things in retrospect including “I KNEW you what kind of person you were when I met you which is WHY I didn’t date you” and “Thanks for opening my heart to dating I am going to go date”.
She perhaps deserved them but they were both mean and harsh and, again, I didn’t calmly just sit down and let her talk since it was very much a repeat of the Official Request Night where she started backing out and when I got agitated said ‘just listen. don’t talk. I’m just telling you I am terrified’.
So I feel in a way I “Discarded” and perhaps in my pain caused her a ton of pain and validated a lot of her fears. I didn’t love her but I cared deeply and she came into my life at a hugely important (lonely) time and gave me not only validation but support I had no where else.
So I know about NC but part of me feels like reaching out to her, not for reconcilation but to apologize for not hearing and lashing out. Is that a bad idea?
Alan, many if not most exes have to fight an overwhelming longing to reconnect with their ex. A lot of them will have to either join a forum for people who have been through it who can talk them out of it or they need to have a therapist who can help them fight the urge. Not having closure is very, very troubling for the human psyche. Our brains tend to drive us to trying to get it. Nice guy types can forget that their ex has behaved atrociously compared to them. When they try to apologize for their behavior they inevitably set off a guilt trigger for their ex. So it generally does no good and it can prolong a painful recovery.
Does the one WEEK interlude between my asking what she wanted (be in a commited relationship) whee she a) said YES! b) made me confirm I’d ask ‘officially and told me how her whole extended family would want to meet me now that I was her first real boyfriend in ten years c) making we basically grovel for a week until I asked “officialy” over dinner then d) spent the next nigth and day finally as my gf (apparently in her mind fiance) spelling out our entire future and e) breaking up the next day and f) never contacting me again fit though? I have not read on any forum about about any progression like this.
Alan, hopefully I answered this adequately in my last response.
Hi Joanna,
Your blogs are extremely helpful. First, I want to thank you for all this wealth of information. I was in a 5 year relationship with a woman whom I believe has BPD tendencies but I am no expert and after many many breakup cycles I have finally decided to break off and go NC. I haven’t seen or spoken to her for almost 3 months now. We had a wonderful first 6 months of a relationship, everything was great, got along so well that the chemistry was almost unbelievable. Around 6 month mark, an ex of mine showed up at my door drunk and wanted to speak to me, my girlfriend was there and she witnessed this event (I went out and spoke to my ex at the time for about 30mins) and since then she has never completely trusted me and to this day that event came up everytime we argued. What I never understood was, I have not done anything wrong, didn’t cheat or do anything with that woman and I have never seen or communicated with her since the day she showed up at my door unannounced but my now ex always brought this up… She lost her father during adolescence and based on what she told me her mother mistreated her as a kid, made her somewhat of an antisocial and in the beginning of our relationship she even admitted that she had a fear of abandonment (perhaps she has seen a therapist?). For the most part she was very controlling and might have OCD as well. On top of all there was extreme jealousy about stupid stuff like being jealous about coworkers, if someone pretty is around etc etc Also, after a while she became very complacent, wanted me to mold my life to fit hers (where in the beginning she would come to my place, hang out in my area etc) and later all she wanted was for me to fit her schedule, always had a problem if I wanted to spend time with old friends and spend time in her neighborhood all the time. I have not cheated on her during our relationship and each time we broke up she came back to me (whether by reaching out via phone text or showing up at my door) things go great for a month or so and then she goes back to her habits of being controlling, jealous and more importantly unappreciative for all the things that I do/did for her (whether monetarily or helping around, fixing things etc)
She always wanted me to move in and get engaged/married to her but I always was hesitant due to her high conflict (especially when alcohol is involved, including physically hitting me once) personality. She is a bit of a loner, she has only one close female friend which she fights from time to time and mostly doesn’t get along with her family always some issues, always had some problems with coworkers and so on…
She tried to send me some text messages about how I feel about making the breakup decision etc and I keep feeling the urge to contact her and miss her which should be weird for someone on the outside as why would anyone want a relationship like this… She always told me that her main insecurity was because i never committed to her after all these years (we would spend more than half of the week together as we each had our own places) and she would have changed if I lived with her and commit to her. I keep asking to myself, would things be different if I did that and thats killing me, so based on all this what would be your advice?
Solo, I truly do not believe that if you had committed to her she would have changed her ways. What you described is a classic case of light BPD traits. Not enough for her to get a diagnosis, but enough to show you that these behaviors are entrenched and would not go away by doing what she has requested. Your instincts are very good. They show a healthy sense of self-preservation. Nice guy types do very well with nice girl types. I’m sure you could imagine that a partner who was as kind and considerate, honest and trustworthy as you are would be a recipe for a wonderful partnership. It will help to be aware that your nice guy personality type leaves you vulnerable to people who want to take but cannot give back. Sadly, the grieving process for almost any personality type in BPD breakups is excruciating and it may take a long time to heal, even with a clear understanding that breaking up was the right thing to do.
Thank you for your reply Joanna. It reinforced my ideas about the fact that I did the right thing by breaking up with her. Interestingly, this woman has no social media (in fact hates it) and wasn’t sex addicted etc unlike many of the BPD people that I read about but I guess these Cluster B personality traits are all intertwined somehow…. She was however on a dating website immediately after our breakup ( she actually suggested the breakup initially over the phone when I was away and asked for a break and we should think about the relationship etc. I have used that request and ended up going no contact and breaking up with her). On valentines day she reached out to me via text and asked me if I am happy with my decision and I am the one who has problems and who needs help and she doesn’t want to date or be with anyone else whilst she was on that dating site actively! How can someone be like that after a 5 year relationship and be back trying to date right away? Are these people not capable of loving someone? This fact hurt me the most and I was very tempted to respond back saying how can you say this when you are looking for someone else as we speak?? Was this a manipulation move?
It’s incredibly complex, the mental machinations these individuals go through in justifying their terrible behavior. The usual response would be doesn’t this person have any morals. And the answer to this question is that they can’t have morals because they can’t resist the urges that make them do immoral things. Their lack of emotional control means that they are helpless to resist their urges. This allows their subconscious to influence them to engage in any number of destructive behaviors that will temporarily fix their emotional pain or even just their emotional discomfort. This is happening on a very deep level. But the conscious mind then must justify the terrible behavior any way it can. So the person will come up with flimsy justifications or outright lies.
You will find that all of the terrible behaviors are self-serving and have nothing to do with you. They are behaviors that soothe their fears. The lying happens because she doesn’t want to have to feel like a bad person. To fix this temporarily she lies. Of course that makes her feel like an even worse person in the long term.
She has terrible guilt for soothing herself by getting male attention when she wasn’t feeling good about her relationship. But this destructive form of self-soothing creates yet another layer of guilt. So she lies about it and shifts the blame to you. That adds another layer of guilt which she must cover up so she doesn’t feel like a bad person in that moment. It’s an endless cycle.
So she is hiding layer upon layer of shame from herself. The more layers of guilt she has the more she needs to cover it up. The truth is she has no idea why she has these urges and why she engages in negative behaviors. You might say it’s manipulative, but only in a general sense. Her experience of contacting you on Valentine’s day will just be an urge like all her other urges.
Generally speaking these people are capable of loving but only sporadically. What they cannot do is override their subconscious mind which is always trying to protect them. We all have this protective subconscious that tries to sabotage our romantic relationships. But the average person has the ability to recognize their doubts as fear, not reality. We know how to override our paranoid moments.
Being in a relationship really has nothing to do with feelings. It has to do with agreeing to give to the other person even when you aren’t feeling it. And it is this that the person with traits of BPD can’t do. Therefore they can’t stick to relationship agreements no matter how much they love the person.