Did Your Ex-Girlfriend Have Traits of BPD:
Why Did I Fall So Hard?
If you are one of those unlucky men who has experienced a breakup with a woman with traits of BPD, or borderline personality disorder, you probably discovered that the love you had for her did not go away just because the relationship was over. Most men, no matter how painful, abusive or chaotic their relationship was, find themselves overwhelmed with desperate feelings of longing for many months and for some even years after their breakup.
What we will find when we closely examine relationships with women who have traits of BPD is that not only do their partners suffer more than the average partner while the relationship is going on, but the suffering partner’s experience after the breakup is also exponentially more painful than average.
So what makes these relationships so extraordinarily pleasurable to enter while so excruciatingly painful to leave? When we examine these questions we discover very clear although often surprising answers to just how a woman with traits of BPD is able to make a man fall so deeply in love.
In order to understand how a woman with traits of BPD can evoke these powerful feelings in her partner we must examine one very specific aspect of the cluster of personality traits that leaves women who possess them susceptible to this disorder.
As it turns out, the same combination of traits that causes so much pain and hardship in their lives coincidentally also gives them some very attractive attributes when it comes to romance. These attributes when combined together allow them to easily open up hidden doors of longing in their partner that otherwise would never see the light of day.
Sadly, the extraordinary aptitude of women with traits of BPD to make men feel more love than they imagined possible often ends in devastation. Although the positive effect of these traits can evoke feelings of lifelong love in partners in the initial idealization phase of the relationship, that love is destined to be brutally ripped away in the inevitable devaluation phase.
The sudden emotional turnaround during devaluation can leave a partner of a woman with traits of BPD saddled with a form of grief that most of us only experience when a loved one dies. But because there is little education on the level of pain associated with this unique type of breakup, few men will receive the level of support they need to recover from this loss.
In this blog post we are going to be addressing a powerful combination of behavior traits that are so universally alluring that they can cause men of all types not only to fall in love, but to fall faster and deeper than in any other kind of romantic relationship.
But before we begin our exploration into this unusual phenomenon, let’s take a moment to clear up a few common misconceptions about women with traits of BPD.
Did My Ex-Girlfriend Really Have a Disorder
Many men who enter a relationship where their partner engages in behaviors of idealization followed by devaluation or push-pull coupled with chronic irrational anger assume that this behavior pattern qualifies the partner for a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder.
What they don’t realize is that people who qualify for a diagnosis of BPD experience severe problems in other areas in life besides their romantic relationships. These individuals are so emotionally over-sensitive that they are not able to function normally. So if your partner engaged in the negative behaviors on this list, she may only be somewhere on the spectrum of BPD.
Because the damage partners of women with traits of BPD sustain is equally destructive whether they qualify for the diagnosis or not, in this blog post we will be referring to any woman on the spectrum of BPD as a woman with traits of BPD regardless of whether she qualifies for the diagnosis.
Now that you know that behaviors associated with BPD that emerge in romantic relationships can occur in any woman with stronger than usual emotional sensitivities, we can begin our exploration into what women with traits of BPD do that evoke the feelings of overpowering love that so many men experience in this type of relationship.
Three Elements of Love
Love with a woman with traits of BPD is very complex, and there are several different components to that love which in combination can keep men from moving on after a breakup. We are going to be looking at three aspects that are part and parcel of this type of relationship that must be clearly understood in order for a partner to gain the separation necessary to get on with their lives.
The first aspect you will be learning about is what it was that made this woman so attractive to you. The second aspect is understanding exactly what it was that convinced you that all of your boxes had been ticked, letting you know she was the one, even though many of the practical qualities that are necessary in any longterm relationship may have been noticeably absent.
The third aspect you must come to grips with is why her behaviors that should have told you to leave instead somehow locked you even tighter into it leaving you to flounder in the relationship for much longer than you should have.
Let’s begin our exploration by looking at a very unusual and baffling phenomenon that seems to be closely associated with the behavior pattern of women with traits of BPD, the ability to make almost any partner fall in love with her.
Defying the Odds of Love
The ability of any individual to cause multiple partners with all kinds of different personalities fall deeply in love with them seems to defy everything we know about the odds of falling in love. Yet countless ex-partners and even countless women with traits of BPD agree that this is a common theme in this type of relationship.
To demystify this unusual ability we need to first take a look at what it is that causes people to fall in love in the first place. There are many differing theories about what causes this uniquely human neurological phenomenon. But most experts agree that it takes a certain synergy or chemistry between two people to trigger the cascade of hormones that produced the effect we call falling in love.
But if it’s true that it takes a certain special combination, how could it be that each of the multiple partners who enter a relationship with a woman with traits of BPD would have the exact chemical makeup to cause both to fall in love? With our present knowledge of the biology behind romantic love it seems highly improbable that her effect on each of these different partners could lead to this result.
Defying our understanding behind the chemistry of romance even further we will find that men all across the globe have reported that not only did they fall in love, but they fell much, much deeper than they ever imagined was possible with their partner with traits of BPD.
This effect of profoundly deep romantic love experienced by men of all different types should not by our normal understanding of human chemistry be possible. Yet anecdotal evidence seems to bear this out. Although this phenomenon may resemble a mass hallucination orchestrated by the woman with traits of BPD, the answer is actually much simpler.
To answer the riddle of how one woman can make so many different kinds of romantic partners fall in love with her we must turn our attention away from the chemistry of each of the men she falls for. We must instead put our attention on her unique ability to intuitively sense the kind of behaviors and qualities that her new love interest is looking for in a mate. Most of the time these are qualities that even he is unaware of.
Using an unusually strong aptitude in a very specific area, we will find that she is able to shape-shift into the woman who matches exactly the chemistry necessary for each of her different partners to fall in love. Although her ability may seem magical and almost mystical, the aptitude for understanding the deepest wishes of another person is not a superpower. It actually stems from an extraordinary sensitivity to the body language and nonverbal cues which we all have the capacity to tune into.
To put it simply, we all possess a character trait of sensitivity to the emotions of others. Women with traits of BPD just happen to possess a great deal more of it. This heightened sensitivity of tuning into others’ emotions can be observed as a common female personality trait. It is one of many bonding characteristics that most women possess that helps keep family and community well connected.
The personality trait of sensitivity to the feelings of others can be easily understood when we see it on a spectrum on which each of us has a place. We will find the average woman on one side of this spectrum with a strong aptitude for reading emotions. And we will find the average man on the other side with a weak aptitude for reading emotions.
But when we focus even more closely on the extreme ends of this spectrum we will find individuals with strong traits of BPD to be highly gifted at reading emotional cues on one side. We will find those individuals who are profoundly challenged in reading the emotions of others, often those with strong traits of autism, on the extreme other end of this spectrum.
Let’s now take a look at how the ability of a woman with traits of BPD to easily read the emotions of her partner can strongly influence the process of falling in love.
Mirroring Perfect Love
So how exactly does this ability to read other people’s emotions help women with traits of BPD get their romantic interest to fall in love with her? Although she is rarely aware of it, a woman with traits of BPD will be capable of reading the non-verbal cues of her potential partner well enough to be able to take on with extraordinary precision the identity of her partner’s ideal woman without him having to describe his dream woman to her in any way.
And with a strong presentation of the cluster of personality traits associated with BPD, she will have not only a wish to idealize love, but an obsession to try to materialize this clearly unattainable goal into reality. Her obsession with creating an all-consuming passion with any new partner will motivate her into not only fooling him but also fooling herself into believing she is his dream woman.
But there is yet another component to BPD-associated behavior that adds to the difficulty in questioning this illusion. Not only does the woman with traits of BPD mirror her partner’s ideal fantasies of her, she also reflects back to him his ideal fantasy of himself through her eyes.
Although she may not realize it consciously, somewhere deep inside she knows that if she is able to put on the perfect puppet show where he sees both her and himself in this highly idealized light, he will be willing to give her the extraordinary level of attention that she knows no ordinary relationship can offer.
But falling in love isn’t the only neurological change that takes place in one of these relationships. There is another set of feelings that can affect the couple which although very common in human beings is not often talked about. It is a feeling that often accompanies falling in love but also happens in some platonic types of relationships. The type of emotion we are going to be addressing next is one that could be labeled lifetime love. It may be the longest-lasting type of emotion that we see in human behavior.
The Feeling of Lifetime Love
So what exactly is the feeling of lifetime love? It’s a very difficult to describe the feeling of continual or stable bonding that we experience towards our loved ones. Lifetime love is similar to other forms of love in that unlike other emotions such as sadness, happiness or anger, love persists. Unlike those other fleeting emotions, once it kicks on lifetime love will usually persevere unless something happens that changes our global view of the object of our lifetime affection.
Falling out of lifetime love usually happens slowly after a series of relationship-eroding events but occasionally can happen after a dramatic event that permanently changes the person’s view of the loved one. But without an intervening event or erosion in the relationship, lifetime love can be so long-lasting that not even death will cause it to diminish.
When we examine the role that lifetime love plays in our lives we find that there seem to be two kinds of lifetime love that are part of the human experience, platonic and romantic. We know that people who take care of us when we are young and helpless can trigger a platonic form of this powerful emotion.
And the reverse is true as well. We also know that being entrusted with the longterm care of a helpless creature, whether it is our biological child, an adopted child or even a pet can trigger lifetime love. Lifetime love can also be triggered when we develop a longterm platonic relationship with another person, usually with the presence of some form two-way emotional dependency or a strong mentoring bond.
Interestingly enough, although it usually takes extended time to develop lifetime love there is one form of lifetime love that happens very quickly. We will find that lifetime love with a newborn may be switched on instantaneously for parents and even for those who are only extended relatives of the baby.
We have addressed lifetime love in its platonic form. Let’s now take a look at what causes the switch for lifetime romantic love to be turned on.
The Mechanics of Romantic Lifetime Love
So what are the actual mechanics of romantic lifetime love? We know that falling in love can hit us with so much intensity we really may experience it as a switch that has been turned on. But lifetime romantic love, with a few exceptions, tends to grow slowly. And if we fall in love at the same time that lifetime love is triggered, we may not even be aware of the emergence of the emotion of lifetime love until it is fully engaged.
The kinds of love that partners of women with traits of BPD usually experience is both lifetime love and falling in love. But the difference between this relationship and the average romance is the speed at which both emotional states develop. In relationships with women with traits of BPD both of these forms of love can be evoked much earlier than in the average relationship.
While there may be plenty of people who loudly pronounce a recent love interest to be “the one,” these feelings could be more accurately described as a premonition of lifetime love. Even in these cases it takes time for the chemical aspect of this form of bonding to kick in. But for partners of women with traits of BPD, the neurological switch that turns on lifetime love can happen almost as quickly as falling in love.
Interestingly enough, although the woman with traits of BPD is adept at unconsciously activating these chemical events in her partner, her own switch for lifetime love is rarely activated when she activates his. One of the most painful realizations for partners of women with traits of BPD is that she can walk away without a backwards glance despite their having committed to plans for a shared future.
However, the woman with traits of BPD does have an emotional switch for lifetime love, and occasionally she will find someone for whom she develops these feelings for. But sadly her switch for lifelong love will not reciprocally have turned on for the majority of the string of wounded men she has left behind.
So how exactly does the woman with traits of BPD go about evoking the feeling of lifetime love in virtually any person she develops a romantic bond with? The easiest way to understand what triggers these feelings during this type of relationship is to recognize that every feeling that a woman with traits of BPD brings out is present in her partner before he even meets her.
In other words, when it comes to lifetime love, women with traits of BPD do not create these feelings out of thin air. More accurately they tap into a deep level of emotions that each of us possesses. It is within this strata of subterranean emotions that both our deepest fears and our highest hopes for romantic love exist.
These two primal forces are present in all human beings, and they are responsible for both the euphoria and the misery that we all associate with romantic love. But the woman with traits of BPD’s deepest emotions are not hidden as they are with the rest of us. And because her highest hopes for romantic love are easily available to her, she finds it equally easy to tap into her partner’s hidden longings for perfect love.
Unfortunately her deepest fears are as close to the surface as her deepest hopes and dreams. And it is her easy access to her deepest fears and her ability to trigger his that in the end will doom the relationship. Without the understanding that the reality he thought he was sharing was for her nothing more than an unattainable dream, he will have a very hard time turning his switch for lifetime love off.
We are next going to take a look at what a woman with traits of BPD does that causes her partner to arrive at the conclusion that all of his boxes for a lifetime partner have been ticked.
Recognizing Your Perfect Partner
When we choose a lifetime partner, most of us have a mental checklist of what we are looking for. This list usually consists of criteria that falls into two categories. One category will tend to be the emotional qualities we are looking for in a partner. The other category will consist of the more practical criteria that we will need to join forces with our partner for a lifetime. We may not get all the qualities we want in a lifetime partner, but this list is a general blueprint of our needs.
Emotional qualities wished for in a lifetime partner tend to vary greatly from person to person. But the practical qualities usually reflect some very basic characteristics that anyone must possess in order to sustain a longtime partnership, whether romantic or not.
Although the woman with traits of BPD may excel, at least during the good times, at displaying wished-for emotional qualities, she is notoriously lacking in the practical qualities necessary for a longterm relationship. Her inability to take care of her own needs usually spills into the inability to contribute responsibly to the many shared activities present in a lifetime relationship.
What often happens in relationships with women with traits of BPD is she ends up ticking off more emotional boxes than most men knew they had. Her emotional impact on him can be so powerful that he will dismiss the fact that she may not have a history of stable relationships, may be unable to commit to a career or that her finances are in ruins.
By the time all of his emotional boxes are ticked the only thing he will be aware of is the great love he feels for her, love which by now he is convinced can get them through anything that life throws their way. What he will not realize is that despite what she says, his partner is not partaking in the chemical bonding process of lifetime love. And even worse, her experience of falling in love will be coming very close to its expiration date.
We have now discussed how the heightened sensitivity of empathy can lead a woman with traits of BPD to unconsciously create the illusion of a perfect woman for her partner so that she can get her partner to fulfill her extreme cravings for love and attention.
We have also seen how this woman can make herself irresistibly attractive by embodying everything she intuitively senses her partner wants. We have addressed her ability to successfully wipe the practical aspects of her partner’s checklist off the board while ticking off every emotional requirement he ever imagined.
But the final question which so many men struggle to answer is why her behaviors that should have told them to distance from the relationship instead somehow locked them even tighter into it. We are now going to look at a set of behaviors that are very commonly used by women with traits of BPD that has been observed as part of the human courtship dance throughout much of recorded history.
What we will find is that the cluster of traits which makes women susceptible to BPD also seems to endow them with a type of personality that will make her alluring to almost any potential suitor. We might say that she naturally possesses some of the qualities that men and women of all personality types find impossible to resist.
BPD and the Art of Seduction
Interestingly enough, we will find that when examining qualities that human beings find the most alluring in the arena of romance, the qualities we desire are not the ones you would hope that the person you bring home to your parents possesses. In other words, our biology often overrides our sense of reason when it comes to romance.
As it turns out, the most alluring qualities found in both men and women are often contraindicated when it comes to choosing a partner for a healthy relationship. The first quality which should be in the con category but when it comes to seduction tends to be front and center in the pro category is deceptiveness.
Although we probably should be looking for someone honest and straightforward when choosing a lifetime partner, most of us can be easily seduced instead by the person who shrouds themselves in mystery, a very common behavioral pattern for those with traits of BPD who have very little sense of their identity and who may also have some pretty dark secrets to hide owing to lack of impulse control.
There is another somewhat unsavory characteristic that few of us may want to admit we are drawn to. Most of us know we should be looking for safety, security and emotional stability when we choose a lifelong partner, but despite knowing what’s best for us we often find ourselves drawn into the world created by the person who lives on the edge.
When it comes to romance, most people find any kind of strict rules of propriety to have a dampening effect. What human beings tend to crave in their romantic life is high emotionality which in a romantic context usually translates to passion and excitement. Women with traits of BPD with their aversion to boredom and their craving for intensity can easily play into a man’s instinctual preferences.
Women with traits of BPD tend to throw caution to the wind, which most people find exhilarating in a romantic context. This quality is often expressed in the bedroom. And for many men a sexual bond that is defined by a complete lack of boundaries is not only a fulfillment of their ultimate fantasy but can be heavily intoxicating and highly addictive.
But there is one more negative quality that when displayed ought to push us but instead often draws us in. As social creatures we have instinctual tendencies that help us bond. We usually think of bonding behaviors as positive impulses that help us connect. But bonding can also occur through negative impulses such as fear of abandonment.
We are all wired to fear abandonment to some extent. And there is no place we are more vulnerable to abandonment than in our romantic relationships. Interestingly enough, the quality that so many women with traits of BPD seem to possess that may allow a man to be more easily seduced than he would by the average woman is her expertise in eliciting his fear of rejection.
We will find that even the most confident and self-assured among us can have their sensitivity to abandonment triggered merely from the withdrawal of positive response from a person we love. What this means is our romantic partners can wield a significant source of power through simply withholding their approval.
A woman with traits of BPD in her desperate attempt to lock down her source of love and attention may play many games involving withholding affection or selective punishment. She may also engage in attempting to throw her partner off his center by creating jealousy and through the use of triangulation with others.
Through knocking her partner down a peg, she can convince him he is the problem in the relationship, not her. And unware that women with traits of BPD can conjure up negative qualities in men that do not exist and can create conflict out of thin air, many of these men end up attempting to fix themselves in order to save their relationship.
As you can now see, there are as many positive qualities to the woman with traits of BPD as there are negative qualities. But even without the list of alluring qualities and manipulative maneuvers we have covered so far, a woman with traits of BPD is capable of winning over even the wariest man through basic psychological stroking.
Women with traits of BPD are known to do whatever it takes to make their partner feel loved and adored. With a new partner she will do anything to make him feel completely seen, truly heard and above all extremely valued.
New partners may be constantly told they are the greatest, sexiest, smartest person that the woman with traits of BPD has ever been with. Similarly she may will be willing to solemnly promise that he will never be replaced and that their love will be eternal.
The average man is no match for a woman with traits of BPD, armed with this long list of qualities and behaviors perfectly designed to lock in even the most wary partner. However, understanding how these hidden traits made you fall in love in the first place can help you make the appropriate separations necessary to heal and move on with your life after one of these painful breakups.
Related Posts:
BPD and the Nice Guy Personality Type
Did Your Ex-Girlfriend Have Traits Of Borderline Personality Disorder?
Identifying Traits of BPD In Women Before Relationship Commitment
Romantic Idealization And Devaluation In Women With Traits of BPD
Women With Traits of BPD – Why Men Stay
Did Your Ex-Girlfriend Have Traits of BPD: How to Let Go of the Good Times
Note To Readers: I’d like to take a moment to thank all of you who have taken the time to post in my comments section. Your questions, opinions and personal stories form an invaluable contribution to this important discussion.
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Joanna,
What kind of men trigger a woman with borderline trait’s switch for lifetime love? Does it happen as fast for them as it does for their partner? I have so many questions, and so much pain. I fell in love with a borderline woman, but she didn’t love me back. Four months later, she’s declaring her “love” for some macho, guido bodybuilder/mechanic who cheated on her the whole time, and when he got exposed, she spiralled into a deep depression. To think that her feelings for this man were so powerful as compared to the ones she had for me…it’s emasculating, to say the least.
I should also state that she did stay sexually attracted to me after the breakup as we attempted to be friends with benefits for a while. However, she could sense that I still had romantic feelings for her, and after an argument and my ensuing balowing up her cell with parhetic pleading texts, she split me black permanently.
Actually, it weren’t even the texts that caused her to go no contact – it was a long string of behaviors on my part that started during the argument we had, wherein I stated that I felt obligated to love her because of her neediness at first. Sorry for so many comments…I think about it a lot, haha. Could you do a post on how to make a borderline woman fall in lifetime love? Or is that subject to her individual personality?
Also, the guy who cheated on her was not very masculine. He was all over social media pronouncing his supposed love for her in the first week of their relationship and I’m pretty sure he cheated out of desperation, therefore she lost repsect for him. She was probably more upset that her reputation was tarnished than heartbroken over the guy. I know he pined for her. Strange, I know. Okay, last one, I promise now.
They were probably both a couple of dark personalities just manipulating one another from the very start. That’s why she broke down after dating him, she finally got beaten at her own game.
Rick, many of the women with diagnosed BPD who stay with their partners long-term have chosen nice guy types who struggle with codependency. These men accept the abuse which can sometimes allow the person with BPD to recognize that this person is unique and actually valuable since they won’t leave even with constant abuse.
This awareness can sometimes allow them to control their urge to break up with them. But the men who stay become very damaged through the relationship. In other words, those who are broken up with are lucky in that they get the opportunity, although perhaps unwillingly, to heal themselves and hopefully move on to a healthier relationship.
A healthy person will not stay with a person with untreated BPD or even a person with strong traits. Unfortunately the pain a healthy person feels on breaking up with someone with traits of BPD is just as severe as the pain of an unhealthy person who is broken up with but wishes they would be taken back. Referring to a later comment, I would have to agree that she met her match, not something that happens very often.
That makes total sense.
This is one of the best articles I’ve read on this topic. Nicely done.
I also had a whirlwind experience with a BPD who was already with someone else, yet was always hanging around me, having deep connections and so forth. It was like she was married to two people! She constantly acted like I was the one, acted totally like a married couple in every way, and was even game when I suggested being together. But it was all so wrong and I caught her cheating all over the place, the same way she was with me. Which I got sucked into. It was all too much and I bailed. Then she got really mad, told me to leave her alone, that everything I did bothered her, and pretty much disappeared after the devaluation. Painted way black.
I noticed, during my devaluation, which I sense the distance and longing (even though she still fed off me), her hanging around other guys that she had presumably backed up behind the scenes while previously hanging around me. Like a 3rd string quarterback! As well, new guys she was courting. These are patterns. The same way she came to me is how she came to the new guys is how she came to her husband while she was with someone else. They get with someone, pull out the charade to gain supply, then either get bored or aren’t being pleased to their exact liking. I made a few negative comments after my mind was so messed from all the chaos, and was devalued because I wasn’t providing everything she expected. Just like she devalued and ignored her husband in favor of me.
Truth is, these are chaotic, one-sided, mind-numbing, emotion exploding relationships that can’t be sustained. You give until you’re depleted, and they still act up, expect and need more. No one can fulfill their emptiness. Every day you have to start from scratch because they live in the moment, which is exhausting. If you don’t give and care and reassure all the time- at the expense of your emotional energy- they become irritated, fear abandonment, last out, cause problems. But if you get too close, they pull away. It’s unbearable. You can’t read their minds and give everything they expect without knowing what it is! They expect someone to care & give all the time- lest they become paranoid, break up, cheat, jump to someone else they’ve been courting the entire time. And they’re dysfunctional and disordered, so nothing makes sense anyway.
Deep down you know they’re not right for you, and its an unhealthy relationship, even after longing for them post break up, or as the chaos is going on. Red flags are firing everywhere, they aren’t loyal, highly impulsive, chaotic… more than anything, they’re completely self absorbed, in that everything they do is for themselves at everyone else’s expense, and they don’t love or care like others do. So you give, etc, which they expect- while they do whatever they want and treat you however they like. These aren’t kind, giving, healthy, loyal people.
I don’t know if I agree on the lifelong love. They are more like an addiction. A really bad one with major withdrawal symptoms and longing. It feels like love, but it’s more of an obsession, addiction, a need. When they were available, which seemed to be never fully, I wasn’t all that interested. They weren’t as attractive as others I dated either. But the never ending chase kept me enthralled. You never knew where you stood, what was going to happen, how they felt, abandonment was lingering constantly. You were waiting for them to come around so you could get the prize. What with all the “courting”, flirting, triangulation, jealousy tactics… all of which increased attraction big time. You were special, and they were the prize who chose you. It was unpredictable and intense, nerve-wrecking and exciting. Unlike anything I’ve experienced.
But in the end, it was all an illusion, a game, a need for supply for them. I could tell, they had no genuine love for anybody, didn’t know who they were, or who they were involved with. They felt guilty for cheating on me while we weren’t even together! Whoever provided the best supply was in their favor at that time. All of us were replaceable, no one was cared for or appreciated. I didn’t see signs of lifelong love for anybody. They certainly werent loyal to anybody. Cheating was constant, though mostly emotional. Very chameleon-like, and you could even see it. It was crazy how they morphed and had so many different personalities. Every person was categorized and treated a certain way. Like a cartoon character is how it felt being around them.
They were unhappy, had no self esteem, hated themselves and everyone else. This was a high functioning one too. Nice career, great social skills, dressed to impress everybody.
Brilliant post, John!
As with others, the break up was far more devastating than any others- and we weren’t even officially together! Which, as pointed in this article, is the love they don’t feel for you or anybody else. It’s crazy to be such a focus in their lives, connect deeply and do all these couple things, and not be attached. They only came to get. To be fair, it also felt good to be so wanted- even though I didn’t realize it wasn’t me they wanted. Just what you provide better than others.
Cluster Bs always leave you feeling used, unworthy, unloved, not good enough, etc- after initially displaying the opposite. But you find that all the energy is coming from you. You think you’re getting it from them, but they come to feed off you. Nothing comes from them. You do all the work- they simply set it up to make it easy for them to take. They’re users and con artists who get you to come to them. But no one is unique and none of their relationships are healthy. The pattern is always the same. Which you realize when it’s your turn to be devalued and discarded in favor of someone else, just like they did to whoever they were using before they found you.
Many times, they use a lot of different people for different things. Their spouse might be rich or have a luxurious lifestyle with many connections and opportunities. Their lover is more exciting and loving and attentive. Their friends fix things for them, hang out, whatever. They network everybody.
This article answered the questions i had all these years. It’s unbelievable. It perfectly matches with every relationship i had. However, even if I was the bpd person and the one that everyone falls so hard for, I was also the one that always left by them. Can you explain to me how it works? They broke up with me after two or three years but I wasn’t able to change their mind.
Sofia, I’m glad this blog post was helpful for you. There are times when the partner of the person with traits of BPD leaves as well as times when they are left. Usually they leave the person with traits of BPD because they feel that their mental health is being compromised or they finally realize they will never be able to convince the person with traits of BPD to trust them. If they do not believe either of these things can be reversed they will be unwilling to change their mind.
Im sure that one of them left me due to these reasons. He told me. But the last was just so tired of me and at the end he acted like he doesn’t even know me, in order to detach me. He dissappeared exactly when he received the greatest love letter even.. Since then, i feel the rejection every single day. Almost two years now. How can someone that was so in love with me, according to my intuition and your article, delete me that easy?
Sofia, there are two very important aspects of a committed or long-term relationship. One of them is the love you may feel for each other. But there are many unspoken relationship rules that must be followed in order for the relationship to be productive and healthy for both partners. Human beings are very fragile creatures, and they must be treated consistently kindly and must be consistently appreciated in their romantic relationship because that’s where we are all the most vulnerable. There also needs to be even give and take throughout the relationship without one person being overly dependent on the other. If this second aspect of support and fair treatment is not there, the relationship will cause pain. And because romantic relationships affect us in our most vulnerable area, without these aspects in place no amount of love in the world will keep a partner happy.
I have a question. My bpd ex girlfriend was my perfect match. I really want to get back with her. Shes perfect and i really mean it. Except the toxic ending and her saying i abused her and traumitzed her after an argument. I want to help her. Shes asking for financial help. I dont want to give up on her
Sam, I understand your feelings. But her perfection is not attainable by human standards. It is the result of mirroring what you want. No human being can retain their identity while portraying a perfect image to another person. We must each be ourselves, and we all unfortunately have flaws. If we completely cut off from who we are to be someone that pleases another person, the parts we hide will eventually emerge in a very destructive way.
Asking for financial help from someone who you have accused of abusing you is a red flag. I’m sorry to say that my words can do nothing to help with the pain you are in. I hope you are able to withstand it for long enough to heal and find a truly healthy person who may not be perfect but who can give you the love you are looking for.
Hey Joanna,
Thanks a lot for your posts. I am sure, you get a lot of postings but anyway here my short story: The breakup was done already two years ago and I am still …. kind of suffering. I think at least daily several times about her – that are not painful thoughts anymore, but anyway, it bothers me.
There is one big question in my head.
Did she has really borderline or am I trying / searching someone to blame ?
I suppose like, if I could have such kind of affirmation, I could finally close that chapter.
There are a lot of indicators which are pointing on having borderline traits i.e. – idealization, really clingyness (we spend 24/7 for about a year together), snooping around, fear of abandomend (which she stated a lot of times), mood swings, risky driving behaviour (almost got in a car accident), low self esteem, broken ties with her family, almost no friends – at least I never met anyone except one person, always expecting the worst, complaining how life is difficult, complaining of not getting enough attention, childrish-sweet behaviour, blaming & guilt
but: she never raged i.e. she never flipped out extremely, it was more or less a constant nagging
I already smelled that something is wrong and once she had to move for a longer distance for a job, I was happy to get some time for myself and to “to catch a breath”, but anyway, you can imagine what a women with bpd traits is on a long distance relationship.
After the breakup I – also I thought I was prepared – I felt destroyed for almost a year, made almost several car accidents, had sleeping troubles, motivation troubles, social anxiety etc. – nothing I ever had before.
I have really no idea how to go the rest of the 10% of healing which is necessary to recover entirely and starting a new life.
Thanks.
Max, it does sound like she had light traits of BPD. She would not have qualified for a diagnosis since her life was fairly functional. But even a person with very light traits can cause great pain to their romantic partners after breakup. It’s a very strange phenomenon that seems to be an unavoidable part of a BPD breakup.
It’s very hard to say exactly what causes this prolonged period of extreme pain. Some of it probably stems from these individuals not providing their romantic partner closure. When we are in love and we have that love returned and then it is ripped away from us, it can feel similar to the grief of someone who has lost a loved one. There are other components as well.
These individuals do not have their own sense of self, and because they have no anchor to their own identity they will morph into what their partner longs for. Most people don’t actually know what their deepest romantic longings are. So having this type of fulfillment is extraordinary and life-changing. But this perfect love sets one up for a great fall.
Another potential aspect is that when others take care of our needs for us in an all encompassing way, 24/7, we become helpless very quickly. There is an addictive quality to having all of ones emotional needs taken care of without having to ask. It can take a long time to rebuild our ability to take care of our own needs.
If you can, recognize that this pain is a very strange but predictable component of a relationship with an individual with traits of BPD, no matter how light those traits are. Very few people are immune to this type of suffering once they get entangled with one of these individuals. Unfortunately, the healing process follows a similar line to those who have lost loved ones. It’s a long and painful journey.
Joanna, I can’t believe how accuarate this topic is! This totally explains why and how I fell into a 6-month, highly-romantic and passionate relationship with a coworker who I now suspect has BPD. She told me about her sexual abuse as a child and her broken relationships and how she was the victim in all of them. Red flags, I now know, but didn’t see them at the time. I wanted to “save” her and be her rock.
She targeted me, flirted with me, love bombed me, and the sex was unreal and uninhibited. She was everything I wanted in a companion. Of course I reciprocated and I fell in love with her, deep love. We talked about a future together and she told me she can’t see her future without me in it. But then the relationship ran it’s course and she pulled the rug out from under me and left. It’s like she became a completely different woman I didn’t recognize. She still maintained contact with me for months after, but held me at arm’s length until she completely cut contact. I was devastated and to this day (20 months later) I still crave her attention and long to be with her. I just don’t understand how a person can do and say those things and then do a complete 180 and turn cold. I did nothing to hurt her or cause her pain in any way. I loved her and cared for her more than I can explain.
I logically know now it was just a fantasy and couldn’t possibly have worked out, but my emotions and heart still want her and love her. UGH!!!
I have been through a friendship where 1) I’m not sure it was a real friendship, 2) my awareness and expectations of who this person really was was entirely wrong, 3) I’m not sure if I did anything to bring about her rapid change in tone with me, and 4) I’m sure I was dealing with a person with one or more personality and mood disorders.
Let’s call this friend (or should I say “friend”?) Tara. Tara works with me in the same company. She’s a couple years older than me, now in her mid-40s, and has been in this company a couple more years as well, not a supervisor, more of a senior colleague. Tara was divorced/single when we met, and I am married.
Some background: Tara had married young, she married her husband when they were classmates in grad school, and then were classmates during an arduous 5-year training program, and then another year in practice working together until they had – what I heard to be – an ugly divorce (he had taken money from her, I heard). She never spoke much about him, occasionally mentiothe same field, with different companies.
At our company, she worked two floors above me for the first couple years after I joined. She was always friendly and cordial with me, I only saw her occasionally. But I began to hear that there was some rift between her and our other staff on her floor. I never heard what exactly had happened, but know Tara to sometimes be defensive, irritable, and territorial about her work – which she occasionally expressed in angry emails to the team!
The chiefs of the department had to switch her office for other purposes, so they transferred her downstairs to my floor, a quieter floor.
Our friendship started pretty quickly then. I had been one of the few coworkers who she had been casually friendly with even before she came downstairs and I felt sorry for her about how the others were treating her upstairs. Although I didn’t know the details about what happened up there, I felt that she was a good worker who was being unfairly maligned.
We hit it off quickly. Mornings and afternoons chatting in each others’ offices, lunch together in the team breakroom, went to conferences together, walks to the company store together. We began emailing and texting quite frequently. Text conversations almost every day. Book and movie ideas, political discussions, you name it, fun chats. Her mother passed away and I spent several long phone conversations with Tara, although she later told me she generally did not like to talk on the phone. Tara describes herself as an introvert, she certainly is, and when she had her door closed and needed to just get her work done on her own, alone, I let her be. Some days she wouldn’t show up to work and I’d text to see if she was ok, she’d tell me she was having “a really bad time” and just needed to be alone.
We saw each other at concerts, where she hung out at intermission with me and my wife. Went to a few company excursions with her, she was friendly with my wife too.
Occasionally, I now realize more clearly, she didn’t treat me as a friend, though. Couple times going out with others from work, she drove me to the venue, and then just left me there without a ride at the end of the evening (once some boyfriend she was all nuts about came and took her away from our group, once she said she just needed to leave, and left me standing there alone in the parking lot calling Uber!). I asked her a couple times if she wanted to join me and my wife for dinner before a concert, and she always said she “didn’t want to be a third wheel.” When my wife and I went on a double-date with her and her then-boyfriend (later fiancee), to a festival (an excessively PDA-filled showing on their part), they just suddenly declared in the middle of the day they were leaving since he didn’t feel well. Another time we went on another double-date with them to dinner and a concert, at the end of the music, they just left without staying a minute to say goodnight. Except for one evening when I invited her (single at the time) to join me and my wife and my parents for a Christmas garden festival and nice dinner, I realize now she never wanted to go out with us unless it was to serve as a double-date for her and a guy! She never invited me out or over to her house.
She shared with me here and there some relatively private details about her life and family (although I now realize she left a lot of details about prior work and relationship life to herself). I used to ask about how she was doing all the time. I really felt more and more that I cared about her. In a purely platonic way, I’m happily married! But I cared and felt sorry for hardships she was going through and wanted (and offered) to help in any way I could.
One notable time I offered her advice I now realize may have been a major mistake. Thing is with Tara, she is very self-assured and confident that whatever she is doing is the right and smart thing to do, no matter what common wisdom says. She had embarked on her newest relationship and after only a few weeks of dating, he had moved into her house, she was planning to buy a baby grand piano to convert her home office into a music room for him, they went ring shopping, and she was planning on quitting her job and moving with him across the country in about a year to live closer to his parents. I only suggested to her that this relationship was moving very fast and she should keep her head on her shoulders – if she was sure it was the right thing, fine, but I was just hoping she wasn’t making rash decisions. (of note, I have kind of made the “instant relationship” mistake myself, and it didn’t turn out well!!). She became quiet – noticeably perturbed at my suggestion to merely think carefully about what she was doing – and tersely told me she had been through many relationships and could easily see that she had found the right man. After just over a month of dating, she knew everything that was bad about him and could live with those things.
On the other hand, I told her about some private health issues I had. And a few months into our “friendship” my wife had a baby, my new son. And she never once asked me about how those things were going, about how I was doing or the baby or my postpartum wife! Not once!
It’s remarkable to think now, but in the months before my son was born, I asked her (at first casually, then with a heartfelt written letter) if she wanted to be the Godmother to my son. She said yes, she was honored.
The major rift happened about a week before my son was born. She had been dating a guy for about 2.5 months and was very content and excited to be in a relationship (the same boyfriend from the double-dates I mentioned). On Monday she was friendly, joking around with me, had a nice chat and walked to the store with me ….
Tuesday morning … not a word. No good morning, no nothing. She shut her office door all morning, seemed very angry when I saw her come out of office in afternoon, I tried to talk to her and she abruptly and rudely cut me off in mid-sentence, closed her door in my face. And she remained like that the next week until I had to leave work for the birth.
I texted her a few times, I was concerned about her very sudden change in behavior. After my son was born, she never texted back. I was reading about depression and noticed her symptoms seemed to match almost entirely (at least from an external view). She finally wrote me a text saying she was overwhelmed and needed some space. Although she said she knew I was trying to be a good friend to her, my periodic checks on how she was doing were increasing her stress, she needed space. I understood. I sent her an emoticon text every week or so to let her know I was there if she needed to talk, but I otherwise kept silent and gave her space all that time.
When I got back to work a few weeks later, I found out from another coworker that after a couple weeks when she was very upset, people had thought she and the new guy had broken up, she came in one morning to announce they were engaged. Other than flashing the ring at me with a smirk over her shoulder, she never mentioned it to me.
Continued silence from her. A few weeks later I wrote to her, congratulated her again, but said I hoped we could clear the air between us. I said I had valued our friendship, and hoped we could resume more cordial interactions, if only for workplace harmony. She eventually replied, again stating that she was an introvert and my interactions with her were making coming to work difficult. My “constant need for attention from her” were “very draining.”
Brief list of possible reasons for all this:
1- self-centered, borderline/narcissistic personality disorder(s)
2 – insecurity/desperation being single for so long
3 – involuntary/circumstantial childlessness
4 – jealous/controlling boyfriend/fiance
I’m curious your thoughts on this painful/confusing situation.
Thanks!
It sounds like this woman has traits of BPD.