Women on the Spectrum of BPD:
Techniques That Stop Devaluation
In Part One of this blog series, Romantic Devaluation and Idealization In Women With Traits of BPD we explored the reasons why so many women on the spectrum of BPD devalue their romantic partners once the initial honeymoon phase comes to an end. We identified devaluation as the inevitable result of a woman who idealizes her romantic partner. We clarified that devaluation can happen to partners of women anywhere on the spectrum of BPD regardless of how mild her traits may be or whether she qualifies for the diagnosis.
What you will be learning in Part Two of this blog series is how to apply your understanding of the mechanics of devaluing to stop a partner from using this defensive tactic on you. Although the techniques you will be presented with may not be powerful enough to work with an individual who has extreme traits that would lead to a diagnosis of BPD, they have been developed to work for most women on the mild to moderate end of this spectrum.
People who devalue others are highly skilled at using language to manipulate you into a negative emotional state. The techniques you will be learning will provide you with language that allows you to counter their attempts at putting you down without putting yourself at risk for confrontation.
There is nothing mysterious about how these techniques work. They are based on the knowledge of two universal flaws in the tactics used by those who devalue. These flaws can be easily exploited to stop a partner from trying to make you feel like a less worthy person.
We are going to begin by taking a close look at what we will be calling our brain’s inner defense system, a component of our neurology that is capable of influencing our actions and in some circumstances overriding our conscious control in order to protect us from emotional pain. Once you have a clearer picture of how the inner defense system works we will address how this process functions for women who are on the spectrum of BPD.
The Mechanics of The Inner Defense System
We all know that our brain has a built-in defense system that protects us from physical injury. We reflexively shield our face when someone raises a fist to us, and we have an instinct to flee in the presence of imminent danger. Our involuntary inner defense system allows us to react quickly to protect ourselves from physical pain and injury without the delay caused by cognitive processing.
But as human beings we also have a built-in defense system that protects us from emotional pain and injury. This system is highly complex and can be much more difficult to track because instead of taking over the controls of our body, it takes over the controls of our mind.
But because all human beings are wired with the same basic inner defense system, it is possible to fairly accurately track this process using our experience from when we may have reacted defensively and the experience of having others act defensively with us.
The most commonly-known behavior pattern that is influenced by our inner defense system is a state that we refer to as denial. We know that when there is a set of events that could lead us to painful conclusions, our brains are capable of shielding us from that pain. The inner defense system seems to be able to control our thinking process in a way that keeps us from coming to conclusions that may cause excessive emotional discomfort.
Interestingly enough, our brains also seem to be able to tamper with our mental process by influencing our emotions. Our inner defense system is capable boosting our good feelings surrounding actions it wants us to take to protect us. It can also heighten bad feelings around actions it does not want us to take. When our inner defense system uses these tactics to keep us from engaging in activities that help us grow or realize our goals, we usually label it self-sabotage.
Our inner defense system tends to be very active when it comes to romantic relationships. Because romantic relationships can cause more pain than almost any other kind of human interaction, our inner alarm system can go off for even the most minor misstep of a loving partner.
It may try to protect us from the possibility of grief due to heartbreak, humiliation due to betrayal or being taken advantage of in our weakened state brought about by love. It is not unusual for people to find their inner defense systems to be in direct conflict with their relationship goals.
When this happens, most people apply rational thought to the situation in order to loosen the inner defense system’s grip. And usually they are fairly successful at overriding their fear in order to gain the benefits of an intimate and trusting relationship.
But those individuals who have greater emotional sensitivity than the average person, particularly women on the spectrum of BPD, may not be able to override their inner defense system’s influence. The pain they experience from heartbreak and rejection is so much greater than the average person that their inner defense system may temporarily take over the controls in a desperate attempt to shield them.
Now let’s take a look at the tactic that the inner defense system of a woman on the spectrum of BPD uses to protect her from the pain associated with intimacy.
The Inner Defense System of Women on the Spectrum of BPD
The first signs that devaluation might be taking place for a woman on the spectrum of BPD might come about as awareness of seeds of suspicion or doubt about her relationship partner’s good character. We can’t know exactly how the inner protection system plants these seeds of doubt in her mind, but we can be fairly certain that its goal is to scare her into leaving her relationship.
If the first tactic does not work, the second-best tactic that the inner defense system seems to be capable of using consists of convincing her to put up a wall of anger and contempt towards her partner. This emotional barrier of superiority can allow a woman on the spectrum of BPD to remain protected from emotional pain without having to leave her relationship.
Sometimes the seeds of doubt and suspicion are enough to make a woman on the spectrum of BPD leave a relationship. But if the second tactic needs to be put in place the inner defense system will have a considerable hurdle to overcome. In order to get a woman on the spectrum of BPD to enter into a state of sustained anger and contempt at her romantic partner it must take some very extreme and morally questionable steps.
The Launching of a Negative Devaluation Campaign
The way that the inner defense system usually operates in order to generate enough anger and contempt to shield her from intimacy is by launching what is sometimes referred to in politics as a negative campaign against the romantic partner. This campaign is an attempt to discredit the romantic partner in the eyes of a woman on the spectrum of BPD.
The woman being influenced by a negative campaign against her partner will often experience this campaign as the presence of what are referred to as intrusive thoughts. These are compelling thoughts that seem to appear out of nowhere. The thoughts may appear in the form of phrases that arouse suspicion such as, “He probably doesn’t really love you” or, “What if he’s just using you?”
The thoughts may also appear in the form of intrusive images of a relationship partner in the arms of another. Or they may appear as an intrusive memory of a time their partner did something careless or thoughtless. They may even appear as a belief such as, “All men cheat. He’s probably just like all the rest of them.”
When the inner defense system of a woman on the spectrum of BPD successfully launches its negative campaign, the woman may find herself chronically angry at her partner for reasons she does not understand. Fueled by these intrusive thoughts her anger may regularly erupt in the form false accusations, insults, insinuations or outright denigrating or derogatory statements.
Because women on the spectrum of BPD have a very difficult time questioning their emotions, it will probably seem to her that maybe she made a bad decision and her partner isn’t the man she thought he was. Or she might assume that he’s now changed from the great person she first met to someone who has virtually no value as a partner. Once the campaign is successfully launched, all the inner defense system must do to keep the devaluation going is to make sure she doesn’t question too closely the justification for her devaluing.
The techniques you are about to learn are going to get her to question her justification for devaluing you. They will let you take advantage of two weak links in the inner defense system’s tactics in order to foil its plan.
Let’s now take a look at the two techniques you will be using.
Technique Number One: Disarming Devaluation of Chronic Anger
The first technique you will learn can be used to disarm the tactic of devaluation through chronic anger. People who use chronic expressions of anger are using an indirect tactic to devalue their partners. Because it is indirect it can be very difficult to identify how exactly how it works to devalue a partner.
Most people who are subjected to chronic anger know they haven’t done anything wrong to deserve it. But awareness that you don’t deserve chronic anger does not protect you from this indirect form of devaluation. In fact, the message that a person who is chronically angry sends can affect even the healthiest partner in a negative way.
We cannot help but to want approval from those we love. When a romantic partner sends us disapproval in the form of anger over things we know we have not done wrong, the message we get is that in their eyes we are no good. Although consciously we may know we don’t deserve to be labeled as unworthy, because we love this person their message cannot help but hurt us.
The second technique you will be learning can be used whenever your partner directly devalues you. Direct devaluation consists of telling you outright that you are inadequate, worthless, or deficient.
You are going to be given a phrase that you will be using different versions of for disarming both indirect and direct devaluation. This sentence has been developed to sound very casual and not raise any red flags. However it has been constructed in a way that overcomes several obstacles to getting your romantic partner to question her justification that you are an unworthy partner.
The first obstacle that gets in the way of getting your partner to question her beliefs about you actually has to do with the vulnerability of any romantic partner being devalued. People who devalue are using a defense mechanism. Therefore in order to communicate with that person, you must come across as completely neutral, neither blaming nor defensive.
But being devalued by a romantic partner is very distressing and upsetting. To ask someone who has been wrongly accused to remain completely neutral when responding to a romantic partner is a very unhealthy request. Those people who make the choice for the sake of peace in the relationship to allow themselves to be unjustly accused pay a high psychological price over time.
When we refrain from defending ourselves against someone attacking us unjustly, even if we are doing it on purpose, we do damage to our sense of self-worth. Therefore unless we feel that we may be in danger, it is not a good idea to open ourselves to devaluation from a relationship partner.
And since it takes many repetitions in order to break a partner of the habit of devaluing you, whatever method you choose to disarm your partner must also serve to protect your self-esteem in the process. For this reason the techniques you learn will not demand that you modify or censor your feelings in response to your partner’s attacks.
Instead we will use a linguistic workaround in the form of a phrase constructed in a way that cannot be interpreted as either blaming or defensive no matter how upset the person saying it is. The first thing you will notice about this sentence is that although it will sound natural, it does have several awkward twists and turns.
The awkward twists and turns make the sentence sound wishy-washy so no matter how it is said it will not come across sounding defensive. Because it may be hard to imagine how its construction can change the emotional tonality of a sentence, let’s take a look at the phrase so you can examine for yourself its ability to come off sounding neutral no matter how it’s said.
Here is the sentence you are going to memorize and use in various forms to disarm your partner’s inner defense system:
“When you said that it seemed like you thought I did something wrong.”
You will notice that the first part of this phrase winds around and is so wishy-washy that it doesn’t seem to be saying very much of anything. It is this awkward phrasing that will remove your partner’s awareness of any upset you may be carrying when you use it. To demonstrate how this works, let’s take a look at several other phrases that mean the same thing, but don’t have a conflict-lowering structure built into them:
“You think I did something wrong, don’t you?”
“Do you think I something wrong?”
“What did I do wrong?”
“You acted like I did something wrong.”
These phrases may come across neutrally if they are said without any emotion. But if you say them with an upset or angry tone, you will see that they come across as either defensive or aggressive. Because women on the spectrum of BPD often translate neutral tonality into tonality of anger or aggression, these phrases will never pass through her defenses.
Now you can try the same thing with the sentence that you will be using:
“When you said that it seemed like you thought I did something wrong.”
You will find that even if you say it in a sarcastic or angry way, the wishy-washy nature of it doesn’t allow it to come off sounding defensive or blaming. We can make this even clearer with a sentence that is an extremely exaggerated version of the one you’ll be using.
“I could be wrong here, but when you said that in a way it sort of seemed like maybe you might have thought I did something wrong.”
You can easily see that this sentence couldn’t possibly be interpreted as blaming or attacking. This demonstration shows you that although there are many ways to phrase this sentence that will work to disarm your partner’s defenses, for simplicity’s sake, it will be probably be easiest to memorize the one you have been given. Here it is again so you can more clearly see its working components:
“When you said that it seemed like you thought I did something wrong.”
(If you are translating this sentence into another language, because the word “wrong” has two meanings in English, translate this sentence instead: “When you said that it seemed like you thought I did something I shouldn’t have done.”)
But getting through your partner’s initial defenses by using a neutral approach is not our only obstacle. We also have to find a way to get your partner who is now angry at you to follow a suggestion that will make her question her justification to devalue you.
Because the last thing people who are angry want to do is take orders from those who have upset them, a direct order will never pass through a partner’s defense mechanism. Instead we will disguise the order in a casual observation that will only hint at the idea that she questions her feelings.
Then we will use another linguistic tool in the form of a psychological incentive to get your partner to want to do what you are indirectly suggesting. We will be incentivizing the end of the phrase with wording that will make following your suggestion hard to pass up.
The incentive we will put into this phrase is to indirectly suggest your partner tell you what you did wrong. Because your partner’s inner defense system will have convinced her that her feelings about you are accurate, she will think you are encouraging her to tell you even more about your unworthiness, which for an angry person is a very tempting incentive.
This setup is going to keep her from realizing until it is too late that you haven’t done anything wrong. It’s one thing to have it slowly dawn on you that you don’t have proof for something you would have sworn was true. When that happens most people can wiggle their way out of the situation and pretend it never happened.
But when you have already gotten up on your soapbox and are about to deliver a speech and you suddenly realize you have no evidence to back up what you are saying, there really is no way to exit gracefully. She will have to choice but to admit that you don’t deserve her anger.
By simply memorizing and then reciting this one sentence, you will be able to get past her defenses for long enough to entice your partner into questioning her belief that you are unworthy. Once she asks herself what you did wrong and comes up blank, she will find herself without an answer as to why you deserve it. Chances are her attention will now switch to finding a way to exit the conversation with her dignity intact.
You will not be getting an apology for accusing you falsely. Very few women on the spectrum of BPD can face the humiliation of admitting they are wrong. This phrase will only stop her from being able to devalue you in the moment. But if you use this phrase consistently when your partner gets angry at you, her inner defense system will soon give up using on this tactic altogether.
From your partner’s perspective, the only thing she will notice is that her chronic anger at you has left as mysteriously as it came on. She will probably never find out that you were the one that broke her of this habit.
Because this phrase is a tool, not a magic sentence, we are going to need to take it for a test run so you can see the kinds of responses you may expect in a real-life scenario and so you can get an idea of how to deal with them.
Using the Phrase In Real-Life Scenarios
Let’s say you’re parking your car at the grocery store. You pull into a space a little ways away from the store entrance to avoid dings from the more popular spots. Your partner angrily says, “What’s wrong with you? Don’t you even know how to park a car? Can’t you do anything right?!”
Your response will be, “When you said that it seemed like you thought I did something wrong.”
Let’s put this scenario on pause for a moment so you can test the premise of this technique. Try to rack your brain for what could be wrong with parking a few spaces away from the front of the store. You will find that you can’t do it. There is nothing ethically or morally wrong with not parking right in front of the door.
No one is getting hurt by your action. No one is going to suffer unless your partner has a broken foot that she didn’t tell you about. You can rest assured that although your partner may be able to tell you what you did wrong, she will not be able to tell you why it’s wrong.
If you can get her to question why she is angry at you, her inability to come up with why what you did was wrong will deflate the devaluation bubble that her inner defense system artificially inflated. This will leave her without any emotional fuel to continue devaluing you.
The phrase might not work the first time you say it. When you start using this phrase your partner’s natural reaction might be to deflect anything you say without her actually listening to it. She might initially respond with something flippant like, “When are you not doing something wrong,” or “You’re always doing something wrong.”
But you can persevere by telling her now in your own words that it seems like she thinks that parking a few spaces away from the door is wrong, and you don’t want to do anything wrong, so you want to know why she feels it’s wrong. If she responds to this phrase with something like, “What’s wrong is you parked a million miles away from the store,” you can ask her why it was wrong.
Let’s look at the possible answers to that. Is she going to get blisters on her feet walking for 30 seconds? Is she happy to walk around a store but doesn’t feel she should have to walk when she’s not shopping? Might the wind mess up her hair? Admitting to the fact that she wants this kind of princess treatment will be embarrassing for her and chances are she won’t do it.
She will probably make a snide remark to save face and then drop the subject by saying something like, “Relax. I just said I didn’t like you parking so far away. You always make such a big deal of everything.”
This kind of response may not feel very satisfying. But you will have accomplished your goal. She will have recanted her accusation and will no longer be devaluing you. But if we take a closer look we will see that she has done something else. Although she disguised it as a rude comment, changing a blame statement about your driving ability into an “I” statement, as in, “I didn’t like what you did” may be her first foray into healthy couples communication.
Let’s look at another example. Let’s say you get the flu. You notice that your partner seems to be much angrier than usual. When she has to get your medicine she slams it down. And she’s been making angry complaints over the fact that you aren’t going to be available to do anything with her over the weekend. You can respond to her complaint by saying, “When you said that it seemed like you thought I did something wrong.”
Let’s stop and test the premise of the technique. If you to take the time to think about it, you will find yourself unable to come up with any reason why being sick is wrong. There is absolutely no way to justify being sick as a form of bad behavior.
Her answer to your suggestion that you tell her what you did wrong may be something like, “I know you didn’t do anything wrong. It’s just that I really wanted to go see the new movie.” It’s not an apology, but if you look carefully you will see that she took back her previous devaluing stance of blaming you and reframed her complaint using an “I feel” statement, which is an appropriate way to communicate with a partner. At this point you can drop the subject.
Here are a few more examples of what may happen when you use this technique.
Let’s say she angrily says, “That’s the stupidest thing I have ever heard!”
“When you said that it seemed like you thought I did something wrong.”
“I’d say everything out of your mouth is wrong.”
“But what was wrong with what I just said a moment ago.”
“I don’t know. I just didn’t like it.”
This may not look like a take-back. But by making her face the fact that you did nothing wrong she will be forced to reframe her communication using words like, “I didn’t like it,” instead of inappropriate devaluing words that blame you in a derogatory way. You can now drop the subject.
Devaluing may happen by her talking to you in an angry voice even though the words themselves are not aggressive. But the key to getting a partner’s inner defense system to give up its devaluation campaign against you is to identify and disarm your partner every time, no matter how subtle her devaluation may be.
Maybe at the table she says, “Pass me the salt” in a rude or dismissive voice. You can say, “When you said that it seemed like you thought I did something wrong.” This calls her on her rudeness, and forces her to take back the devaluing nature of the comment.
To cover up for being called on her rude behavior she may answer with, “You’re so touchy. Stop making a big deal out of things.” To save face she is pretending she hadn’t been devaluing you. This might not be the answer you want to hear, but if you look closely you will see that in an indirect way she has recanted her accusation and you can now drop the subject.
You can also use this phrase when your partner does something that comes across as devaluing as opposed to saying something devaluing. Here is a slight modification of this sentence referring to an action or body language that expresses devaluation through anger:
“When you slammed the door earlier it seemed like you thought I did something wrong.”
“When you rolled your eyes it seemed like you thought I did something wrong.”
“When you left in the middle of our conversation it seemed like you thought I did something wrong.”
“When you looked at me like that it seemed like you thought I did something wrong.”
Let’s create a real-life scenario out of each of these phrases so you can get a better feel for what your partner’s reaction might be when you use this technique:
“When you slammed the door earlier it seemed like you thought I did something wrong.”
“That’s for sure.”
“I don’t like doing things wrong. What did I do?”
“Why did you have to do something? If I want to be mad I’m going to be mad. Not everything has to do with you.”
This may look like further blaming, but when you examine her words closely you will see that the message is that you didn’t do anything wrong, that she reacted from her bad mood. Again, she was forced to reframe a blame statement to more appropriate “I feel” statement. Once she retracts she can’t continue devaluing so you can drop the subject.
Every time you force her into questioning her justification and she comes up empty-handed the bubble of devaluation that her inner defense system artificially inflated will deflate and she will lack the emotional fuel to devalue.
“When you rolled your eyes it seemed like you thought I did something wrong.”
“Don’t tell me what to do.”
“No, I said that when you did that it seemed like you thought I did something wrong, not you.”
“Oh. Well, you did do something wrong.”
“What did I do wrong?”
“I guess you irritated me. I don’t know. Why can’t you understand that I’m just having a bad day?”
This may appear to be further blame, but it’s actually a poorly-disguised admitting of the fact that you didn’t do anything wrong. The blame statement has been reframed as a more appropriate “I feel” statement.
“When you left in the middle of our conversation it seemed like you thought I did something wrong.”
“You just really made me mad.”
“I definitely don’t want to be making you mad. What did I do wrong there?”
“I guess I’m still mad at you for the other day.”
Many times the excuse a devaluing partner uses to devalue you today will be something you did that displeased her from another day. If this comes up, simply use your sentence to take away her ability to devalue you over the past situation. Let’s pick up this scenario from where we left off:
“I guess I’m still mad at you for the other day.”
“What did I do wrong the other day?”
“You think I didn’t see that text you sent to your secretary?”
“It sounds like you think it was wrong of me to text my secretary.”
“Okay. Maybe it wasn’t wrong, but that still doesn’t make it okay with me.”
Although it may be tempting to challenge her further on this subject, as soon as she admits that you weren’t wrong, you can drop the subject. If you look closely at her answer she has appropriately re-framed her communication from acting like you were a bad person to communicating her emotions as the real problem.
“When you looked at me like that it seemed like you thought I did something wrong.”
“I can look at you any way I want!”
“I know, but when you did it it seemed like you thought I did something wrong.”
“You did. You didn’t pick up the dry cleaning on the way home.”
“Oh, you’re right. I completely forgot. Sorry about that. I’ll get it today.”
Because this sentence is completely non-confrontational, on those occasions where you may have actually done something wrong that you aren’t aware of, it forces her to tell you what you did wrong in appropriate words instead of spending the day devaluing you over it. Finding out what you did wrong allows you to immediately apologize or fix the situation.
Although in the beginning it may take a few tries before your partner will question what you did wrong, you will find that after a while she will welcome the sentence as a way for her to figure out her feelings. And she will begin to associate it with relief. Paradoxically, even though in a high-emotion state people always want others to inflate their emotion bubble further, once the bubble deflates they do experience relief.
Here is what you can expect from your partner after you have consistently been using this phrase to disarm chronic anger:
“When you said that it seemed like you thought I did something wrong.”
“I guess I’m just in a bad mood because the party didn’t turn out like I planned.”
“When you said that it seemed like you thought I did something wrong.”
“I think I’m just really mad at you for not paying attention to me when I really needed you last night.”
“When you said that it seemed like you thought I did something wrong.”
“It’s not that you did something wrong, it just really hurt my feelings.”
“When you said that it seemed like you thought I did something wrong.”
“Well what do expect from me? I’m not exactly having a good day.”
Chances are you will never get an apology for attempts at devaluation or for past false accusations. Unfortunately women on the spectrum of BPD are rarely able to face up to the pain they cause others. But the time between devaluing episodes will begin to decrease and with consistent use the devaluation will stop with only occasional relapses.
Before we leave our first technique, here is a reference list of some of the different kinds of behaviors that can be disarmed by use of our first technique. Any time you experience one of these behaviors, simply recite the phrase, “When you said (or did) that it seemed like you thought I did something wrong.” Then try to get her to tell you why it was wrong.
Contempt in the voice.
Anger in the voice.
Angry choice of words.
Contemptuous choice of words.
Head shakes.
Pointing fingers.
Mimicking or mocking tone of voice.
Sarcastic tone of voice.
Slamming of objects on surfaces.
Clenched fists.
Walking out on you.
Slamming a door.
Cold staring.
Giving you a cold shoulder.
Glaring.
Ridiculing tone of voice.
Ridiculing gestures.
Ridiculing choice of words.
Yelling.
Speaking with clenched teeth.
Speaking with hands on hips.
Foot stomping.
Screaming.
Technique No. 2: Direct Verbal Devaluation
Let’s now move on to our second technique. The second level of devaluation is a little more extreme than the expression of anger which only suggests you are an unworthy partner. Direct verbal devaluation tells you in no uncertain words that you are a loser, a bum, an idiot, or worse.
But before we move on to the technique you will use to disarm direct verbal devaluation we are going to take some time to learn about a few concepts that can be very useful to know about when disarming this behavior pattern. One of the most important understandings that applies to both those who bully and those who devalue is the fact that nothing a bully tells their victim they deserve to be punished for could ever be considered a punishable offense.
The tactic that all bullies use on their victims is to pretend the victim is a morally bad person that everyone should punish because they are not competent at something. In reality, competence never has anything to do with morality or ethics. We have no laws that allow people to be punished for not being good at something. We don’t even have social rules that allow people to be punished for not being good at something.
The reason that we punish people is when they do things that put other people’s welfare at risk, when they harm someone through their behavior. Being bad at something is never in itself a moral or ethical slip. There is absolutely no connection at all between being a bad person and our levels of competency.
A bully is a contradiction in action. While they are trying to convince their victims that their deficiencies make them immoral people that should be punished, it is actually they themselves that are behaving in an immoral and punishable way by trying to hurt an innocent person.
Trying to hurt innocent people is considered immoral and unethical in almost all cultures and thereby very punishable. It is really the bully who is behaving in a punishable way. But amazingly enough, bullies somehow manage to convince their victims and often those people around them that not being good at something is a punishable offense.
You are now going to learn how to use your awareness of this flaw of the tactic used by every bully or person who devalues to disarm direct verbal devaluation.
Let’s say your partner accuses you of being incompetent in some area. Maybe she tells you that you added some numbers wrong when working on the family budget which clearly proves that you are a failure at finances. The technique you will be using to disarm her is very simple. To do it we are going to use a version of the sentence you used to disarm the first level of devaluation.
Regardless of whether she is telling the truth about your deficiency or if she is completely fabricating her story, you can simply use this phrase:
“When you said that it seemed like you thought not being good at ______________ makes me a bad person.”
You will be filling in the blank with whatever she is accusing you of not being good at like this:
“When you said that it seemed like you thought not being good at finances makes me a bad person.”
Using your knowledge of bullying you will be aware that she is trying to make you feel like a bad person for not being good at something. Try as she might she will not be able to tell you why not being good at something makes you a bad person. She will find herself at a loss for words and will have to back out of the situation. She may say something like, “Maybe you’re not a bad person, but you really should try to get better!”
Although this may look like another slight, it is actually an appropriate reframing of what she said earlier. She should not devalue over making a mistake. But she is well within her rights to tell you that you should try to get better. Both of these techniques force the person devaluing to rephrase their concern in the way that they should have in the first place. For this reason as soon as she reframes her original complaint your goal will have been accomplished and you can drop the subject.
Let’s say your partner calls you a loser because you won’t ask your boss for a raise. Regardless of whether her claims are fabrications your sentence would be, “When you said that it seemed like you thought not being good at confrontation makes me a bad person.” Many people associate having fear with being a bad person. But in reality, being afraid has absolutely nothing to do with morals or ethics. There is no possible way your partner will be able to tell you what was bad about your behavior.
Let’s say your partner calls you a slob and says she’s embarrassed to be out in public with you. Whether or not her observation is accurate or a figment of her imagination, you can respond to her like this:
“When you said that it seemed like you thought not being good at choosing clothes makes me a bad person.” Once again, all you need to do is get her to face the flaw in her thinking. Not being a good dresser cannot make one a bad person no matter how you stretch the facts.
She will ending up having to rephrase her concern in a more appropriate way which might be, “Well, you may not be bad, but you make me feel bad by not caring about how you look.” This is the appropriate way to express a complaint to a partner. Because she is no longer devaluing you, you can drop the subject.
Although you may never get an apology for her immoral and unethical attempts to make you feel like a bad person, if you consistently and in a non-confrontational way point her to this flaw, her inner protection system will give up on trying to influence her to devalue you.
Although the sentence for the first level of devaluation can simply be memorized and recited word for word, the second phase is more complex and you will need some time to think about how you want to word it. Luckily, because partners who devalue bring your attention to the same deficiencies over and over again, you will be able to make up your sentences in advance based on what your partner has devalued you about in the past.
For your reference here is a list of common deficiencies that women with traits of BPD often use to try to devalue their romantic partners along with the phrase that will disarm the devaluation. You will see that in some cases we will be using minor variations of the phrase to make the sentence sound more natural. Remember, you won’t be arguing about whether what she says about you is true. You will only be pointing out the flaw in her reasoning.
When she says you are intellectually deficient:
“When you said that it seemed like you thought that not being intelligent makes me a bad person.”
When she says you are emotionally deficient:
“When you said that it seemed like you thought that not being in touch with my emotions makes me a bad person.”
When she says you are a deficient father/brother/son:
“When you said that it seemed like you thought not being skilled at parenting makes me a bad person.”
When she says you are deficient as a worker:
“When you said that it seemed like you thought not being good at a job makes me a bad person.”
When she says you are deficient with money:
“When you said that it seemed like you thought being bad with money makes me a bad person.”
When she says you are deficient as a spouse:
“When you said that it seemed like you thought not being good at understanding your needs makes me a bad person.”
When she says you are socially deficient:
“When you said that it seemed like you thought not being good at socializing makes me a bad person.”
When she says you are deficient at domestic duties:
“When you said that it seemed like you thought not being good at housework makes me a bad person.”
When she says you are deficient as a leader:
“When you said that it seemed like you thought not being good at leading others makes me a bad person.”
When she says you are deficient in bed:
“When you said that it seemed like you thought not being good at pleasing you in bed makes me a bad person.”
When she says you are deficient as a man:
“When you said that it seemed like you thought not being good at showing my masculine side makes me a bad person.”
Having these phrases at your disposal the next time your partner brings up one of these deficiencies allows you to foil her inner defense system’s attempts to devalue you. All you need to do to put this technique in place is to think back to what area above your partner most commonly devalues you about and learn the sentence. Then you can simply recite it when she devalues you about that issue. You may have to learn two or three of these phrases depending on what areas your partner likes to make you feel worthless about.
If you choose to make up your own phases instead of choosing the ones above, be sure to not use derogatory words which she then can use against you. Use a more formal word. Substitute “intelligent” for “stupid.” Use “masculine enough” instead of “a real man.” Use “not good at confronting” instead of “coward.” Use “unskilled at” instead of “bad at.”
Both of the techniques you have learned when used consistently will break your partner of her devaluation habit without the need for confrontation of any kind.
Related Posts:
Women on the Spectrum of BPD: Did She Really Love Me?
Defense Mechanisms: When We Hurt Those We Care About
How To Stop Defensive Behaviors
Disarming Defense Mechanisms Triggered By Shame
Defense Mechanisms Triggered By Humiliation
Romantic Idealization And Devaluation In Women With Traits of BPD
Marriage Entitlement: When Your Love Is Not Enough
Note To Readers: I’d like to take a moment to thank all of you who have taken the time to post in my comments section. Your questions, opinions and personal stories form an invaluable contribution to this important discussion.
If you would like to learn the Nicola Method so you can put an end to the high conflict situations you may be experiencing, click on this link to the welcome page of this website where you will find the resources you need.
If you want to try out some of the basic techniques of this method for free to see if this method is right for your situation, you can learn them from an intro guide flip-book here or a PDF version of the intro guide here.
I would give everything I own and everything I have worked for over the last 40 years if I could only have known about this while I was in my relationship. I am sure my ex and I could have made it,she would have had the life she deserves and I would not be in so much pain having lost her. 🙁
Joanna, thanks a lot work your writings!
I would like to clarify the definition/meaning of “nice guy”. I think more accurate would be “soft guy”, a person that cannot firmly protect/defend his own interests, not only in the relationship with this woman, but also with other people, both male and female. Is it correct?
Second, according to Joanna, BPD woman looks for a partner who will take care of all her emotional needs so she can feel secure in her relationship.
In my opinion, her “needs” are not limited to only “emotional”, but also include material, financial. More so in cultures other than North American WASP.
Third, I have been with my GF for 4 years and her initial romantic idealization has certainly passed. One year ago she clearly had a very strong devaluation, became very cold and we almost broke up. Then, we got close again, although not as much as at the beginning, 4 years ago. So I am wondering if it is a true idealization stage now? Or my GF is just consciously faking it to use me? I suspect that it’s a combination of both 🙂
In my opinion, a BPD person unfortunately has bad/dark/malignant personality traits, so any sufficiently close relationship (whether romantic or not) with such a person will unavoidably be difficult and toxic. Am I correct?
Ron, in response to your first question, the way I define nice guy is as a set of personality traits that many men and women may have that motivate a person to give freely to others in order to obtain the pleasure of connection. These are people who enjoy closeness and who lack the natural fear of intimacy that most people possess. It’s a very positive set of traits that provides a strong aptitude for learning and applying relationship skills. The only downside is a susceptibility to codependence or what you may be describing as a soft-guy tendency to not be able to protect their own interests. But this cluster of personality traits itself would be seen as asset, not a liability.
In answer to your second comment, the set of personality traits that a woman with BPD possesses do, as you say, often make her go beyond wanting her partner to take care of only emotional needs, particularly in countries where narcissistic behavior among women is common.
As far as your relationship, I would make a guess that your girlfriend’s traits might not be as severe as someone diagnosed with BPD but that she would more likely engage in the behaviors associated with the disorder only in her romantic relationships. Because BPD behaviors can be observed on a spectrum, your girlfriend may not have as strong a presentation of these behavior patterns. This may explain why her phases aren’t as extreme as most individuals with the disorder. I wouldn’t say she is consciously faking her feelings for you as most women on this spectrum are simply reacting to whatever they are feeling in the moment.
In answer to your third comment, I agree that a person who is on the extreme end of this spectrum would probably have fear of abandonment so severe that it would most likely cause them to use toxic behaviors towards anyone who enters into an intimate type of relationship with them.
This blog has been INCREDIBLY eye opening.
I’m just discovering BPD and my ex gf having traits of it after her breaking up 3 years ago, then every 3 to 6 months coming back wanting to be friends, only to disappear and devalue me after about two months. This last time it was from me trying to set boundaries of my own by telling her the only thing I want from her is a clean slate and an open mind. She always comes back vulnerable and saying all the right things but wanting to only be friends yet still emotionally needy.
This last time her response was filled with how I’m overtly jealous and don’t taker her seriously-fueled by me trying to logically explain why we work, her anxiety/depression and self sabotagiing thoughts, and how I didn’t want to watch her make the same mistakes with other ex’s I know she cycles back to. I was critical of them, hence me bring overtly jealous I guess?
My question is, in your opinion is it too late in trying to communicate with them in this way now that you’ve been devalued and sworn off? In a “I’ll never reach out to you again” type of way.
Thank you for your blog it’s been very helpful
Nick, in terms of using the standard kind of language that most people use to try to get through to another person, I don’t think you will make much progress with a woman with traits of BPD. What you may experience as her irrationality is her defense mechanisms at work. In order to get through to her you would need to get behind them. Direct communication does not work when defense mechanisms are in place.
I teach partners of women with traits of BPD language that gets through these defenses, but without a relationship contract of some kind in place, these methods cannot be used. It’s important to remember that women with traits of BPD have a very different neurological setup than the average male, and logical reasoning will not work no matter how logical she may at times seem when you are talking to her about emotional matters.
It can be helpful to remember that all of the behaviors that you see as destructive, harmful or even just unnecessary are very specifically being used by her to cope with her unresolved issues. These negative behavior patterns are what allows her to navigate normally in the world. If she were to let go of them as you may be suggesting, she would not be able to behave in a normal or functional way.
Perhaps instead of urging her to change her behavior patterns, you may be able to alert her exes to some resources on traits of BPD that can help them put up the boundaries they need to protect themselves from her negative behavior.
First off, LOVE what you are doing and all the information. I had two questions: 1) When I am being devalued for something like intimacy, I can see using the ” When you say that I am immature with intimacy it sounds like you said not being good at intimacy makes me a bad person.” But I am soooooooo tempted to follow it up with “but six month ago you raved over how good I was with intimacy..” and go on trying to prove with her own words the contradiction. Why would defending myself not be wise?
2) I broke up with my GF after a year of her not keeping promises. She hooked up with another guy for a month that ended up being abusive. She came right back to me, and of course I have a hard time not thinking about her, so I told her we could still see each other but not date exclusively. Now I want to get more exclusive and maybe even marry her. I go over to her house every night. My main concern is that I may be improperly calling her BPD when she may just be a little left of normal. Still, I was having major health issues and she recently said, “man you wouldn’t have stood up to what I had to go through.” That is common with her attitude. She is is quick to sleep with a guy she first meets and talk marriage but seems loyal once she is with someone. Am I being too judgmental? Thanks.
Bill, let me address the first question initially. Since accusing you of immaturity in intimacy isn’t directly saying you’re a bad person, you may be better off starting with the standard sentence, “When you said that it seemed like you thought I did something wrong.” This will get her to point out the behavior that shows immaturity and will take the focus away from an attack on your character. Since you are not immature when it comes to intimacy, she won’t be able to give you examples of immature behavior and her attempt to make you feel bad will deflate. If she does give you an example that’s clearly not indicative of immaturity, you can ask her why she believes that is immature. Her explanation will fall flat and she will start to look foolish and will drop the subject.
But technical aspect aside, there is certainly nothing wrong with saying in as sincere a way as you can, “Wow, I am so surprised to hear this. I know six months ago you raved over how good I was at intimacy. I had no idea I had changed.” This will force her to either admit that her comments were just rude put-downs or force her to drop the subject. That would be a completely non-confrontational way to defend yourself.
On to your second question. There is no way to know whether she has the actual disorder, and many women engage in these behaviors in their romantic relationships who would not qualify for the diagnosis. To qualify she would have to be completely dysfunctional in her everyday life. The pain levels for women who qualify are very severe, and there are usually extremely self-destructive behaviors involved including self-harm, suicide ideation and chemical addiction.
But before you commit to any kind of serious relationship with her you would need to find out what that comment about what she had to go through meant. Also be aware that women with traits of BPD often accuse their former partners of abuse which could mean you are in line to be the next falsely accused. Generally speaking, a woman who is putting you down, particularly in the beginning phases of a relationship, probably doesn’t possess the skills necessary to navigate through a marriage.
So I actually think you may not be being judgmental enough. These kinds of behaviors generally get worse over time, particularly after marriage, so please be aware that even if she is not diagnosable you are taking a real risk.
This is such a load of nonsense.
BPD women only get worse with time. So these trick phrases only work for so long before she gets wise to it.
When a BPD women devalues you, you devalue her right back.
For example when she says something like “You have such a terrible hairline and it’s getting worse everyday.” You reply “Yeah and I’m starting to notice how fat you’ve been getting lately.”
If she throws a fit, simply say “Oh, my bad. I thought we were talking about one another’s imperfections.”
Ultimately, devaluation is a sign of disrespect and there are so many women out there for you to put up with one woman’s condensation.
Condensation?….you mean her eye glasses steam up when she’s angry?
Ha… You spotted that too. However, the rest of what he said has some merit. I did it with my Borderline and it pretty much stopped the verbal devaluation. The issue then became the non-verbal devaluation… so I had to learn to watch carefully when she was doing it. My repetitive comment was, “Oh… So we’re doing the “D” thing again, are we?” She would say nothing or deny it. If she said nothing, I said nothing. If she denied, I said, “Okay, My bad.” Funny thing my “My bad’s” helped build trust. Now we are working on the other eight of the nine characteristic behaviors of a Borderline. She has the list but can rarely recognize when she doing any of them. She’s 72 and I’m 78. I figure if we live to be a 100 plus each we’ve got a shot.
In the meantime l keep in mind, “Love is a choice, not a feeling.”
You guys clearly do not understand BPD if you could say that. Nor do you care about your partners feelings. Emotional pain to a BPD person is much more severe than to a Non. You also completely miss the point that when she is devaluing you she is doing out of her own self hatred. She is pushing you away because you feel unworthy of love and affection, and all you did with your response is confirm that to her. You should be ashamed of yourselves, but I have a feeling you are too arrogant to feel shame.
And her “saying nothing” after you insulted her is disassociation. Meaning she turned inward with her self hate.
Nicola, firstly I want to thank you for your informative and intelligent words.I am a 58 year old man who met my BPD girlfriend who was caring for my Dad while he was in Aged Care.When I first met her she was 18 years old and yes very beautiful, but what struck me was her incredible and genuine care and compassion for my father and indeed all the elderly people she looked after, she, in that environment was and still is a true Angel ! As there was a huge age difference (37 years) I was initially not even considering asking her out, eventually I did and she accepted, I might say to my amazement ! We have been together 2 years now and everything you’ve described is textbook her, idealising me for months prior to us getting together, then for the first 6 or so months together , although during this period she did have bouts of strange hurtful behavior toward me , the out of control temper tantrums , telling me hurtful in depth details about her previous sexual history, even though at the time I said it was none of my business and I didn’t want to know , she defiantly persisted , which hurt me and still does to this day… She says that I am her first “Boyfriend “and that she had never been out on a “date” prior to me, oh and I do believe her.. She says the other guys were only for sex and meant nothing to her, and she had only been with them once ! She wears this like a badge of honour which I continue to find odd and as I said hurtful! On the other hand though, she is unbelievably critical and jealous of my previous relationships because Ive said that I at that time was in love with that person…. I was engaged to a girl 16 years ago and my G/F continues to bring her up and says incredibly hurtful things both about me and that relationship I was in all those years ago! However if I dare speak of her previous whatevers she goes mad totally and says she didn’t love them! Go figure ?! For the first 12 months I blamed myself for the constant arguments until I finally did some research, having said that though, I always suspected there was some thing wrong with her, for a while I just thought it was her age… I knew it would be best to end the relationship, but couldn’t cause I love her, so then I thought I would try and stop loving her by focussing and dwelling on all the things I didn’t like about her, needless to say that didn’t work and all it did was to hurt me and make me sad! It goes without saying that at times she can be truly wonderful to be around, but there are things she can’t and won’t do, some of them are as follows, never appologise or feel regret for anything and I mean anything, never admit she is wrong, struggles to show or receive affection, is incredibly selfish, rarely says thank you, has a shocking temper and so on. I have seen recently 2 phsychiartrists and both have said that her behavior is classic BPD and that I should leave for my own sake, I explained that I can’t because I love her and I am also fearful of what will become of her in the future and also her reaction if I were to end the relationship! I really am stuck , if I leave I loose her , if I stay I am at risk of loosing myself…. In closing I’ll state the obvious, this condition is shockingly debilitating and painful for both the sufferer and the partner!
Thanks again for your insight into this affliction.
Tony, if the only reason you are not leaving this woman is that you are afraid of what will become of her, you may be experiencing some codependent tendencies. The behaviors your girlfriend is engaging in are unhealthy defense mechanisms that she uses to cope with her uncomfortable feelings. She is using them in the same way that an alcoholic or a drug addict uses chemicals, but in this situation you are the source of her supply.
Your options are to either use my techniques to stop her from getting her behavioral “fix” from you or to leave her. Leaving a relationship with someone who uses destructive addictive behaviors is a healthy choice. It not only allows you to remove yourself from harm, but as with a relationship with a practicing alcoholic it forces them to hit a bottom which is often the only way these individuals recognize they need help. If your presence is keeping her from reaching this bottom you are not doing her any favors by staying with her as scary as the thought of her at her bottom may be.
Hi Joanna
Great article. I am just wondering if you have any tips for women who have a pattern of idealisation/devaluation. I am in a relationship with a beautiful man but find myself pointing out his faults to him. (I am not BPD but have a BPD mother), Although I don’t engage in name calling or directly abusive behavior, my tendency to question him about his ability to earn enough money or lack of a social life makes him feel bad about himself and has put strain on our relationship and distance between us. The things that I am angry/unsure about now were present at the start of our relationship but I somehow managed to minimise their significance – hoping they (in particular his earning capacity) would improve to a point where I could be comfortable. Over time (only 2 years) these issues have become more important and I find myself questioning how we can move forward if what is “wrong” about him doesn’t change. If I am in devaluation mode, is this a sign that I need to leave the relationship (I don’t want to keep hurting him) or is there something I can do to stop this from happening?
Sarah, it is not healthy to remain in a relationship where you are unable to stop yourself from demeaning your partner. But you could instead seek counseling specifically devoted to that issue since your problems with devaluation are somewhat mild and you are aware of it.
If it was your partner instead of you describing your behavior and asking for advice I would advise him to use language that causes you to look at what it is that you think is bad or shameful about not making a lot of money or not socializing as much as others.
When we look closely we find that there is really nothing anyone could point out as shameful about either of these qualities. And both of these issues can be resolved by some behavior choices on your part. Presuming you live in a country where women are free to work, you should be able to take steps to improve your own financial state if your financial goals exceed your partner’s. And if his socializing needs are minimal, you should be able to create a more satisfying social life of your own, as many partners of introverts are able to successfully do.
When we take a look behind feelings of devaluation or disrespect over matters that are not actually shameful such as money or social interaction, we find that it is usually the actions of our defense mechanisms at work, trying to offload feelings of personal insecurity onto another person. This is not a BPD behavior, but a universal behavioral trait of all humans.
The trick to dismantling it is to become aware that you are trying to make another person feel ashamed, and busting the defense mechanism by recognizing that the behavior isn’t shameful. These are steps you can take on your own. Or you could download my free workbook for partners from my website and see if your partner might be willing to use the language from it to help you with this process.
As a spoiler alert I can tell you that feelings of insecurity about others’ negative judgment are always heightened in individuals with even mild traits of BPD. So having a partner who does not meet the standards of their peers in terms of finances and socialization can trigger a lot of fear over how this lack of status in these areas will reflect on them. This fear can cause desperation to motivate the person to change that may result in devaluation.
Hello Joanna,
I’m a 51 years old man (French). I’ve found your blog extremely interesting. I was engaged in a relation with a woman on the spectrum of BPD for 9 months.
It was in Japan where I was working during that period. Our relation starts as you described it perfectly in your post. First months were intense, seems that I did found my soul mate and her too. But at the very beginning, when I met her, I had a sex friend and she had although a “flash-back” with an ex boy friend.
We rapidly lived together. But then she changed drastically and became extremelly possessive, jealous, with change of mood in a question of seconds. I’ve been through many break-ups, accusation of infidelity (abusive, but based on the fact I had this sex friend at very beginning of relation), even physical abuse. All this with some period of intense love… When I really left her for a days, it was better for a while, then abusive behavior was back. I was permanently stressed, I lost weight, get depressed… So 3 months ago, I went back to France and I broke-up 1 month ago. My girl-friend told me she was not able to handle her emotions, that she loves me…exactly as you explained. Did you think that our relation had any chance to be “heald” by using the sentences your advise to use ? Did those sentences would have been able to avoid and halt the devaluation campaign of my ex girl friend? Regards
Jean-Francois, I offer my methods for those in relationships with individuals with light traits and those in long-term marriages or those with young children or those who feel that divorce may cause financial ruin. The method, if used consistently, can in some instances allow an individual with strong traits of BPD to get over their fear of betrayal of their partner. However, it will take at least a year of constant thankless work from the healthy partner. My method will not heal her, and it will not bring back the initial idealization phase.
My advice to those who are not married and do not have children with a person with strong traits of BPD is always to leave the relationship. The potential consequences of staying in this relationship when there is absolutely no hope of regaining the idealization phase but the very real potential of devastating smear campaigns and potential child alienation is never worth the possibility that the individual may stop using the negative behaviors associated with this condition.
Thanks Joanna for your advice, it’s what I’ve done, I went away and finally broke-up. Now I need to recover. In that process my psychologist is helping me a lot. Your thorough analysis of BPD, although help me to understand what I’ve been through and my difficulties along the recovery process. Thanks to share these precious analysis and advice.
Jean-Francois, best of luck with your healing from this painful event.
Hi Joanna,
Really enjoy your writing, it has been very informative.l and think the techniques you mention would be highly helpful. I was wondering what your advice would be for dealing someone who never outwardly devalues but who does so internally by going from idealization to being slightly withdrawn and internally devaluing me by seeing me as weak to then stating that that I’m a special person but just not the person for her and then her walking away (all this normally happens in the space of a couple ofdays where as the idealization lasts a few weeks) only to then recycle at a later stage?
Regards,
Paul
Paul, the best way to understand this behavior is to realize that this person is not seeing you for who you really are. They are swept away by their ever-changing feelings. These women are often in love with the idea of love, as opposed to being in love with their partner as an individual. My techniques may work well with those who are devaluing within a committed relationship, but if the connection is this tenuous I would highly recommend you find someone who can sustain a reliable and accurate perception of you. No matter how much you may like this person, her inability to maintain intimacy on even the most basic level unfortunately creates a red flag for this relationship.
HI Joanna, I just wanted to say that your articles have been a personal revelation for me. After only a few hours of reading, I now finally understand the root cause of previously inexplicable behaviors in a couple of relationships I have had. It has been an enormous burden to not know why idealization can rapidly be followed by extreme devaluation, from a person who says that are in love with you. I now feel much better equipped to detect red flag BPD behaviors in the future. Furthermore I think your your mitigation tactics above are nothing short of brilliant. Thank you for helping make this world a batter place! 🙂
Jean-Henri, thank you so much for your positive affirmation of my work.
Hi Joanna,
All I can say is, WOW. To me, your work/insights are HUGE. I have been in a loving but tough relationship with my wife for 25 years and we have struggled constantly with good, respectful communications for 24.5 of those years. When disagreements arise or stress bubbles over and inadvertent hurtful comments pop out, her patterns have become routine… heavy-duty defensiveness; bullying behavior like cutting me off after a couple of words because she thinks she knows what I am going to say; devaluing comments and conveying contempt (including regularly relying on commenting about my upbringing and family “shortfalls”) ; turning the table to make me the issue; agreeing to boundries but then breaking the rules (like swearing and calling the worst names… which she has justified); agreeing to read books on how to talk/love better, then not reading them or ignoring the advice or agreements we had; she almost never offering a resolution that works for both of us and diffuse a situation; a strong reliance on her historical recall to justify her comments and actions; and a complete inability to say sorry without ‘buts’ and turning the issue back on me. The years of tough communications have taken their toll; we are exhausted and I think we’re both about ready to move on (we’ve done 4-5 bouts of counselling and read various books/articles that haven’t seemed to help). I just walked in the house after a frustrating discussion in the car where we were rehashing a disagreement and I left asking her, “Why don’t you ever just say you’re sorry, it would make a huge difference and you never, ever say it!?”. I came in and googled Why doesn’t my wife ever just she’s sorry”, found your blog and felt immense relief. Nothing I have read has rung so true. THANK YOU for your deep insights, advice and tips and excellent writing style. I am going to read/digest more and try your techniques. I’ll be coming back to read more. I care for my wife and think down deep she cares back. I know I cannot change her but perhaps if I can change the way I interact with her with the help of your tips.
Peter, I’m happy to hear that my blog was helpful for you. You can change her behavior and get her to stop these behavior patterns, but it takes a long time, sometimes a year, and it’s a lot of work on your part. I offer a free workbook for partners in your situation on my home page which gives you a program of sorts that you can use to get her to stop using these defensive behaviors. Again, this will be a thankless job, and after what you have been through you may not want to invest in this work, but it may be worth having a look. The techniques themselves are in the latter part of the workbook if you want to skip the explanation.
Hi Joanna… Love your work.
Thanks for letting me know.
Hi Joanna,
Thanks for the wonderful information. I’ve been attracting BPD traits my entire life. I just wanted to know if it possible for me to ever feel normal again after experiencing the highs of being with someone diagnosed with BPD. Nothing else seems to compare and other relationships feel dull. Is this what I’m going to have to deal with from now on? Or is there a possibility of me healing and able to be in a healthy relationship again. I just don’t feel like it’s possible
Steve, this is a very complex question. In a sense the person with traits of BPD gives their partner the ultimate in emotional fulfillment, and as hard as we work to achieve success in other areas of our lives, the area of emotional fulfillment is probably the most powerful in our lives. So you have gotten a glimpse in your relationship of the unattainable, the perfect love, which these individuals are able to provide for a short time through an amazing gift of empathy. So of course when you return the ordinary world, all relationships seem dull and mundane.
I guess we could use the analogy of eating exclusively junk food or high sugar/carb/fat food and then having to return to a wholesome and healthy diet. Just as we get addicted to food, we also get very quickly addicted to having someone take care of our emotional needs. And the person with BPD for a time takes care of all of their partner’s needs, temporarily healing wounds that they did not even know existed.
Returning to a normal relationship will feel like a cold or at best lukewarm water bath in comparison. Your psyche would of course long for what it had. The best way to recover from this phenomenon is to recognize what this person supplied for you. She soothed all of your anxieties about your weaknesses, frailties that every one of us has, no matter how confident. Although it’s not a silver lining, it is possible to identify the fears that she soothed and work on shoring up these fears for yourself. Other than that, focusing your attention on giving, being a loving partner instead of focusing on what you are getting can allow you to reframe your relationship.
Many thanks Joanna.
This works. I was surprised. I know one should not take a technique out of context, but I had to improvise some way to get a space in between the ranting to be able to get across the suggestion to my sister, that at least trying family therapy for us all could make the practical side of family life function better. Arrangements are impossible between siblings and mother who aren’t communicating except in shouting matches which end with each going off and doing their own thing. For example; support for the ailing mother, and recent funerals of both father and a brother were unnecessarily distressing.
I didn’t get the wording remembered exactly as you have it, but the reaction was amazing. Huge frown, silence and the ‘What, er what did you just say..?’ Then the focus is on the one immediate subject. Therapy. Where, when, how to communicate the appointment. Even repeating the phrase as necessary wasn’t a problem, someone in a highly emotional state doesn’t seem to be listening for the way a normal conversation goes. I couldn’t do your job Joanna, not in a million years.
I decided to give the situation just one last attempt, or leave them to it. I’m not bothered or interested about what is actually ‘wrong’ with them on a mental health basis. Just be able to stay in the same room together long enough to agree times and dates or sign a form for whatever is needed.
Mark, I’m so glad it was helpful for you.
Hello,
Thank you for developing this technique.
My BPD partner is in a state of devaluation, stating that we shouldn’t live together because we fight too much (I’m walking on Eggshells, did defend myself, and am just understanding to never take things personal). My current and only go to has been “I don’t want to fight with you. I love you and won’t leave you” however it seemed to have become ineffective in this stage.
How would I go about defusing this? She is keeping me around yet repeating this. Would this be the correct way?
“When you said that it seemed like you thought I start conflicts.”
“When you said that it seemed like you thought I want to fight.”
MJ, yes, the phrase, “When you said that it seemed like you thought I wanted to fight” is exactly the response. I would suggest you download my free workbook for high conflict couples from my webpage. I will explain her behavior and give you the language you need to handle her complaints. You can skip to the end if you want the language without reading the explanation for the behavior. As one example of important concepts to learn you would need to know that there are two sides to her perception about fighting too much. When you bring up something negative her perception can be that you are accusing her or putting her down or wanting to fight. When she says something negative to you, her perception is that she is merely voicing her feelings.
Please be aware that if your partner has actually been diagnosed with BPD, you are in a situation where you can receive a great deal of psychological damage in the relationship. At minimum you may want to be seeing a therapist in order to mitigate the damage that partners usually receive in these types of situations.
Great article. I’ve just married a woman who I now suspect may have some BPD traits. The ones that most worry me are risky behavior (sex and money), and certain rather wild lies aimed at saving her self-image. How to deal with the lies?
Lies are very difficult to deal with, and there is really no way to discuss them without being confrontational. There is such a stigma in our society about lying, and there should be. Lying is an extreme betrayal of trust. Unfortunately, lying is a very addictive habit, and those who lie constantly truly have no idea why they do it. There is really no way to approach someone who lies without them feeling levels of judgment that are unbearable even for a healthy person. Those with traits of BPD usually lie about very questionable behaviors, and when we add onto that guilt the guilt of lying, these individuals usually search for an escape hatch.