Women on the Spectrum of BPD – Did She Really Love Me?
Falling in love is often thought to be one of the most amazing and enjoyable experiences a person can have. It can truly bring out the very best in each of us and can cause even the most independent individuals to yearn for a lifetime partner.
Yet for men who unknowingly enter relationships with women on the spectrum of BPD or borderline personality disorder, the happiness they find in discovering true love is often dashed within the first year of their relationship, leaving them not only alone but utterly devastated.
The pattern of disillusionment that so many men experience is due to a disturbing behavior pattern that is not found in any pop psychology books nor recognized by the average couples counselor. It is a behavior pattern so bizarre that even individuals with solid ties to their friends and family may wait years before disclosing the true state of their relationship, usually in a final plea for help.
As one of the unfortunate individuals who fell in love with a woman on the spectrum of BPD you may have at first felt like you had met your soul-mate. This woman may have made you feel more loved, desired and accepted than you had ever felt in your life.
She might have instilled the kind of trust that could make you drop all your barriers, and she may have given you a desire to join forces that seemed more right than any decision you had ever made. Every sign that you imagined would be visible telling you that she was the one may have been in plain sight. Without a doubt you would have thought this was the person you were meant to be with.
If you are like most men, during the next few months all of your hopes and dreams of your perfect relationship would have been either dashed or eroded away as her behavior towards you changed from the ultimate dream to a perfect nightmare.
The lucky ones find their way out of these relationships without guidance simply out of a sense of self-preservation. But even those who are strong enough to leave may have years of recovery ahead of them to heal from the psychological wounds that are inflicted when a human being opens up to love completely and is then treated cruelly by the person they are in love with.
One of those wounds is the lack of understanding of how a partner who swore they loved them could turn into someone who treats them hatefully. They want to know if the love the woman on the spectrum of BPD professed was true, even for the short time it was showered on them.
The short answer to this question is yes, chances are very high that their partner did love them. However, love means different things to different people. And the way love is experienced by women on the spectrum of BPD can be radically different from the way most of us experience it. So although she may have felt real love, the way she expressed it may not register as love in the way most people know it.
In this blog post we are going to take a look at love as it is experienced by a woman on the spectrum of BPD so you can come to your own conclusions.
When Extreme Love Turns To Extreme Hate
When a woman on the spectrum of BPD transitions from her initial phase of idealization of her partner to the phase of devaluation, her change in feelings can lead to a breakup even if lifelong promises have already been made.
But in some cases, after she passes through the initial idealization phase of her relationship, she will switch back and forth from being in love to being in hate and then back to love with her partner.
She may spend the rest of the relationship mistreating or even abusing her partner one day and acting as though they are a happy couple the next. This is one of several common behavior patterns that can leave partners of women on the spectrum of BPD in doubt of whether her feelings of love were ever real.
Partners of these women who have not experienced the toxic combination of love and hate in a romantic relationship in their past may become very confused, particularly when the woman on the spectrum of BPD vacillates daily or even hourly between love and hate. These relationships leave innocent partners playing a highly destructive form of emotional roulette, trying to predict what kind of treatment they will be subjected to on any given day.
Other women on the spectrum of BPD may make a permanent transition and never return to the state of love they were in when the relationship started. Strangely enough, these women may feel that a relationship that is filled with what could only be described as hatred for their partner is perfectly normal. They believe that they still love their partner and that feelings of intense hatred are part of the overall feeling of romantic love.
People who grew up in abusive family environments often find themselves stuck in relationships with women on the spectrum of BPD. Having had caretakers who also associated love for their child with hateful behaviors, they may be unable to break out of a role they learned in childhood.
These behaviors may seem very confusing to someone on the outside, but there are actually very good reasons for women on the spectrum of BPD to act the way they do.
When Love Is Not Enough
Women on the spectrum of BPD are often seen as individuals who can never get enough love, attention, or emotional security. In other words, they don’t seem to be able to get enough when it comes to their emotional needs.
But what we discover when these individuals learn the basic skills for getting emotional needs met in a healthy way is that their extreme needs stabilize. After they learn how to take care of their emotional needs they experience needs very much the way the average person does.
The explanation for this leveling off in intensity once these women learn the skills that most of us pick up in childhood shows us that women on the spectrum of BPD don’t actually need more love, attention or security than other people.
What drives their negative behaviors in their relationships is not an excessive need for attention. It is merely the fear that they will never get enough attention. Not knowing how to take care of emotional needs for themselves, they tend to panic. And it is the panic that drives them to try to extort caretaking behavior from others.
Romantic love offers within it a salvation for the woman on the spectrum of BPD who suffers from the lack of ability to take care of her emotional needs. When we are in love we all enter a naturally obsessive state of adoration and idolization of our partner. This state makes us want to fulfill every desire of our loved one, and under its influence many people are willing to devote 24 hours a day to doing it.
For the woman on the spectrum of BPD, getting another person to fall in love with her is the only sure-fire way she knows of to get another person to fulfill the needs she can’t fulfill for herself. Women on the spectrum of BPD are often masters at getting their romantic partners to fall in love with them for precisely this reason.
By getting a partner to fall in love with them they are able to accomplish the impossible. Only a partner who is in love with them will be motivated enough to take care of their emotional needs, minute by minute, all day every day. And it is only when the woman on the spectrum of BPD feels 100 percent certain that all of her needs will be taken care of that she can feel secure in her relationship.
When we compare the motivation of the woman on the spectrum of BPD with the average person, we find that when the average person falls deeply in love they might enjoy it as much as the woman on the spectrum of BPD. But because most people have the ability to take care of their own emotional needs, their love is not filled with desperation and the terrible fear that they cannot survive if a partner is not 100 percent focused on them.
The average person may experience being in love as a wonderful sense of euphoria resulting from having another person doting on them as though they were the most amazing person in the world. But they will experience this feeling as a luxurious excess.
The woman on the spectrum of BPD will experience this extreme level of focus and adoration as the very minimum or bottom line amount of attention necessary for her to remain comfortable in the relationship. This level of attention will be the least amount that she needs in order to feel secure.
But relationships eventually must leave the state of mutual idolization where partners stop taking care of each others needs. Instead they must transition to partners supporting each other in taking care of their own needs. Therefore a woman on the spectrum of BPD will at some point have to reenter the state of emotional helplessness that she was trying so desperately to escape.
At some point she will be faced with the realization that her supply of emotional security can be taken from her based purely on the whim of her partner. This realization will cause her to be acutely aware of her powerlessness in her relationship.
There are many responses that we might expect from an individual who is unable to take care of her emotional needs and who realizes her new partner has all the control in the relationship leaving her helpless. Most women on the spectrum of BPD use a whole range of behaviors in order to try to control their access to what they see as a not quite reliable outside source of caretaking.
And it is this extra dimension of needing a love interest to fulfill all of her emotional needs that causes her to experience romantic love in a different way than the average person.
The Dark Side of the Spectrum of BPD
For most people, feelings of romantic love are positive ones. Our romantic partners add to our lives, and since we are already taking care of our own needs, we know we can survive if we lose a partner’s attention.
A woman on the spectrum of BPD will experience romantic love as fraught with peril. She may even have irrational feelings that make her believe she will die if she doesn’t have her romantic partner’s constant devoted attention.
Because she depends on her partner to take care of all of her emotional needs, a woman on the spectrum of BPD, in order to keep a partner’s undivided attention, may use any number of tactics to motivate her partner to take care of needs she should be taking care of for herself. She may feel compelled to convince her partner that she must to be taken care of because she is helpless.
It is common for a woman on the spectrum of BPD to appear helpless or to portray herself as a victim in her life in order to ensure another will take care of all of her emotional needs. She may also exaggerate or even lie in order to get needs she should be attending to taken care of by her partner. She may be very seductive towards her partner or she may try to make her partner jealous by being seductive towards others.
But in many cases in order to secure her partner’s role in taking care of all her needs, a woman on the spectrum of BPD will try to use domination and control, bullying, blackmail and even threats of self-harm. In her mind, her negative behaviors will seem like necessary corrections of a partner who she still loves but who is not behaving as she believes a partner should.
Although it may seem as though domination of control have no place in a loving relationship, the woman on the spectrum of BPD may see it differently. She may believe that it is her partner’s duty to take care of her needs and that it is her duty to correct or even punish her partner when she senses a lapse in duty.
Using this perspective she is able to maintain her feelings of love for her partner while subjecting the partner to mistreatment. But for partners who are unaware of the role being projected onto them this transition will seem like the very opposite of love. It will seem as though her love has turned into hatred or at the very least cold indifference.
But for a woman who chooses to address her insecurity about taking care of herself through exerting dominance, it is simply a tactic that allows her to be secure enough to stay in the relationship. She will be capable of experiencing love for her partner while simultaneously feeling the need to use very unloving tactics to ensure that he complies with her expectations.
She will not, however, be consciously aware of the reasons she is treating her partner in what will seem like a hateful manner. This is because women on the spectrum of BPD have character traits that make self-introspection very difficult.
But in order to better understand the woman on the spectrum of BPD’s lack of insight into her behavior, we must take a look at what the woman who believes she still loves her partner even though she is treating him hatefully feels.
When Lack of Insight Leads to Impulsive Behavior
A woman on the spectrum of BPD will try to make sense of the change in her feelings towards her partner. But because her insight is very limited she will experience the transition from idealizing love to complete devaluation of her partner in one of several ways.
She may after many months of idealized love one day simply find herself inexplicably irritated by her partner and simultaneously unable to suppress her impulses to say bad things about him. Or she may wake up one day in a bad mood which happens to last for days, weeks, months or even decades.
If she was capable of introspection she may realize that the combined effect of her criticisms seems geared towards making him feel bad about himself. She might, if she was able to stand back and look at this dynamic, discover that when her partner’s self esteem is lower than hers she feels more secure that her partner won’t leave her.
Another way she may experience this turnaround is through noticing that her partner seems to have mysteriously turned into a person who doesn’t deserve respect or that he’s turned into the kind of person who actually deserves her disrespect. She may either decide that her partner has changed since they first got together, or she may feel that she didn’t notice these character flaws at first.
If she was more capable of self-introspection she may become aware that her behavior towards him is irrational and that her partner doesn’t deserve it. With insight she might realize that she still loves her partner and is being abusive or needlessly cruel.
But to truly understand why women on the spectrum of BPD are so limited in their ability to apply cognitive understanding or insight to their behavior, we must take a look at the interplay between the cognitive and emotional processing centers in the human brain.
When we are very young we are highly emotional creatures. We have very little ability to understand our needs. We must rely completely on our early caretakers to identify, interpret and respond to our emotions and take care of our needs for us. For the most part we make sense of the world around us by using our emotional processing center.
When a young child has a need, they experience it as a strong emotion. They will alert their caretaker in a primitive way by expressing this emotion very loudly. This expression of negative emotion alerts the caretaker that something is wrong. It is then the caretaker’s role to use their cognitive processing center to make sense of the child’s emotions. The caretaker then takes an action to address the child’s need, whether it is through soothing words to calm fear, food or help with a bodily function.
As we get older our cognitive ability develops, and we learn to gradually take over the role of interpreting our emotions for ourselves. Eventually we learn to identify these emotions so we can take the appropriate action necessary to fulfill our own needs.
By the time we are adults, most of us are capable of shifting back and forth between these two processing centers, using the emotional part of our brain to identify our emotions which signal that we have a need, and then using the cognitive part to figure out what action can be taken to fulfill the need.
Women on the spectrum of BPD have very heightened emotional sensitivity. This sensitivity can result in too much stimulation of their fight or flight reflexes during early childhood. By the time they reach adulthood they are often awash in a sea of negative emotions.
This can leave women on the spectrum of BPD stuck in their emotional processing center much of the time and with very little access to their cognitive processing center. Without the cognitive insight necessary to interpret their emotions they may not be able to figure out what action will take care of their needs.
And without insight provided by the cognitive processing center, the conclusions they come to when trying to make sense of their behavior or the behavior of others can be very primitive. For instance, without the ability to apply context, when their sensitivity causes them to be afraid, they will see the person who triggered their fear as dangerous.
When their sensitivity causes them to feel lonely they will conclude that the person who triggered this feeling has abandoned them. Because they are locked into their more primitive processing center they will be unable to apply the context that would tell them it is really their over-sensitivity that has caused their pain, not the actions of others.
In unraveling the question of whether a woman on the spectrum of BPD really loved their partner we have up to now been focusing on situations where the woman on the spectrum of BPD has decided to stay with her partner and use tactics to secure her partner’s focus on her needs. Let’s now take a look at the behavior of women on the spectrum of BPD who do not stay with their partner after transition.
There are many women on the spectrum of BPD who do not use tactics to try to guarantee their partner will take care of all of their emotional needs. When these women come to the realization that their relationship partner may not be able or willing to take care of all of their needs they simply leave the relationship and find someone else who can deliver.
A woman on the spectrum of BPD will often leave behind a string of partners who she initially got to fall in love with her and who she subsequently dropped after her transition. When a woman with BPD leaves the relationship for another and seems to be as deeply in love with the next person as she was with the previous partner, it can be a shocking experience for the partner who has been left.
If they are not aware that part of their partner’s love for them was motivated by their inability to take care of their own needs, it may look like their partner faked their love. However, in most cases she is not faking. In other words, she will experience the same kinds of feelings of love as her partner. The difference is that a woman on the spectrum of BPD, unlike the average person, can lose those feelings of love just as quickly as she found them.
When we closely observe the behavior of women on the spectrum of BPD in their relationships we will notice that they don’t seem to experience love in as stable a way as the average person does. But in order to truly understand this important difference, we must first take a look at how the rest of the world experiences it.
The Two Sides of Romantic Love
We are going to now address an aspect of romantic love that is rarely discussed, but which almost all of us experience at some point in our lives. Although we seldom distinguish them, if we observe our own love life or the love lives of others we will discover that there are actually two different kinds of romantic love.
There is the way we feel when we fall in love, and there is also a more mature and long-lasting love that we develop for partners we choose to make a long-term commitment to. When we talk about romantic love, we are often referring to not one but two types of love that human beings experience towards their potential mates.
People often experience the phenomenon of falling in love with a potential mate as a rational feeling towards a person who fully deserves their adoration. But although falling in love may feel very real, science has shown us that these feelings are actually a result of a chemical change that seems to be hard-wired into the human species.
Although it may be slightly disappointing to realize that the magical feelings we have when we fall in love are chemically induced, we can at least be assured that there is another type of romantic love that most people experience that is based soundly on reason and rationality.
While our brain chemicals are drumming up the euphoric emotions that seem to help us bond at least temporarily with individuals who are often complete strangers, the cognitive part of our brain will also be at work behind the scenes creating a more stable and long-lasting form of love.
We might label this more stable kind of emotion mature romantic love. It rests on a foundation of trust that is built brick by brick each time our partner shows us by their actions that they are capable of honoring their longterm commitment to us. For most of us, by the time the chemical reaction that creates the feeling of falling in love wears off, this more mature form of love has been firmly established and can take its place.
Unfortunately, this more mature form of love may not be attainable for a woman on the spectrum of BPD. Because of their sensitivities to rejection and abandonment they may not be capable of recognizing their partner as trustworthy enough to build a foundation for mature love.
But the inability to form mature romantic love isn’t the only weakness for a woman on the spectrum of BPD. As it turns out, the way women on the spectrum of BPD experience romantic commitment is also different than how the average person experiences it. We will find that in many cases the commitment that a woman on the spectrum of BPD makes to her partner may be as fleeting as her love.
A woman on the spectrum of BPD may feel completely committed to her new partner and honestly believe her feelings will last a lifetime. But without the mature love as a foundation she may find her commitment fizzling at the same rate her love for her partner runs out.
A women on the spectrum of BPD, when she senses she can no longer control her partner’s desire to take care of her needs may find herself wanting to look elsewhere for someone who will give her the devotion she needs to make her feel secure. She may experience a break in her feelings for her first partner which then develop for another. She may very quickly feel the same level of intense love for this partner and believe that this new person is actually her true soulmate.
The explanation for how a woman who flip-flops so rapidly could have possibly loved her first partner lies in a third observable difference between the woman on the spectrum of BPD and the average person. To understand how she can blatantly claim that her new love interest is her real soulmate so soon after promising a lifetime commitment to the old partner we must take a look at the differences in ethical and moral judgment between those on the spectrum and those who are not.
Ethics and the Woman on the Spectrum of BPD
Women on the spectrum of BPD generally have a very well developed moral code for themselves. In fact, they are often much more critical than the average person of immoral or unethical behavior of others. But when it comes to their own behavior, they may seem to be navigating through life without any sort of moral compass.
Although it may look from the outside as though these women lack morals of any kind, what is really happening is that their sense of moral judgment is being overridden by their emotions. No matter how strong a person’s belief system is, if they lack the ability to control their emotional impulses, they will be unable to act according to those beliefs.
The woman on the spectrum of BPD is often caught in a Catch 22. Her moral and ethical code may be highly developed. Yet her emotions are continually causing her to take actions that go against that moral code. And to make matters worse, there is also a third difference in the experience of love for women on the spectrum of BPD behavior that can contribute to this toxic mix.
We will find that the tendency of a woman on the spectrum of BPD to judge others as either saints or sinners applies equally to their judgment of herself. Under the influence of her primitive emotional processing center, any behavior of hers that does not fit into the saint category will automatically cause her to believe that she is a sinner. Some women on the spectrum of BPD when their black and white thinking casts them in a monstrous light, will turn against themselves with self-punishment or self-harm.
But there are many women on the spectrum of BPD who when faced with what they imagine are unforgivable violations of their own ethical and moral codes will find themselves unable to tolerate these painful feelings. Being unable to tolerate such high levels of shame, they often make a desperate attempt to absolve themselves by latching onto any justification that might clear their name.
A woman on the spectrum of BPD may tell herself and others that she made a big mistake and didn’t see what a loser partner number one was. She may choose to lie to her friends and family saying that partner number one abused her. She may even call the police and have partner number one arrested on false charges, not only absolving her of what she feels are her own crimes but also giving her a convenient excuse to flee into the arms of a partner offering her a fresh supply of caretaking.
As unlikely as it may seem, these women may still believe that they love their partner and many have been known to return to a partner they called the police on after their new relationship fizzles out with an expectation that the relationship could resume. In this case we might describe their experience as a lapse in love just long enough to justify the emotional impulse.
Up until now, we have been focusing on how the woman on the spectrum of BPD feels about her partner. But in order to put the last piece of the puzzle in place you may need to also gain a clearer understanding of the nature of your love for the woman on the spectrum of BPD.
Why You Fell In Love
Most partners of women on the spectrum of BPD find that the experience of falling in love is different than any other relationship they have ever been in.
In order to understand why you may have fallen so hard for this individual, it might help to first take a look at a few interesting observations that social scientists have made in relation to the way human beings fall in love. As it turns out, one of the ways in which the chemicals that define our experience of falling in love can be artificially jump-started is through recreating certain behavior patterns that tend to happen naturally when people are romantically drawn to each other.
We now know that something as simple as staring into another’s eyes for long periods of time is an emotionally moving experience that can help trigger falling in love. We can also observe that divulging certain kinds of deeply personal thoughts, beliefs or emotions to another person can create a bond that can trigger the process of falling in love if both people are naturally attracted.
It can be enlightening to look back to the beginning of your relationship with a partner on the spectrum of BPD to try to remember if there were times when you looked deeply into each others’ eyes, communicating without words.
And when you think back, chances are high that you engaged in deep and meaningful sharing. We know that women on the spectrum of BPD can be very candid with their emotions and very encouraging of their love interests to tell them things they never told anyone else.
But in order for you to even more clearly understand the extreme nature of falling in love for romantic partners of BPD, we need to take a look at two behavior patterns that women on the spectrum unconsciously put into use during their initial phase of idealization that can in some cases cause men to fall head over heels in love with them.
The first aspect that can profoundly affect the speed and intensity which men fall in love with a woman on the spectrum of BPD is the way she makes her partner feel about themselves. In order to get her partner to focus obsessively on her needs, a woman on the spectrum of BPD will do whatever it takes to make her partner feel better about themselves than anyone has ever made them feel. This is often accomplished by shows of adoration, idolization and levels of care and kindness that the partner has never experienced before.
The woman on the spectrum of BPD will initially give the kind of love that is only possible to give when there is complete trust in a relationship. The way she accomplishes this without first building trust is by suspending all of her fears and willing herself to believe her partner is 100 percent trustworthy. And by suspending all of her fears she also gets her partner to in turn trust her completely. The end result is what we might describe a feeling of perfect love.
The second aspect that can profoundly affect the intensity and speed of falling in love with a woman on the spectrum of BPD is her ability to initially show exactly what she is thinking and feeling to her partner. We all have walls that we consciously put up in the presence of others. These invisible walls are very necessary for our self-protection. They are the healthy boundaries that we use to keep ourselves emotionally safe until we get to know whether the person we are with is going to accept who we really are without negative judgment.
Because all people suffer from insecurity around negative judgment from others, it is essential that we spend a great deal of time testing new people before we completely open up to them. Most people never pass all of our closeness tests that we subtly put them through. Yet we can still have a comfortable and healthy relationship without having to disclose our most private thoughts and feelings.
But in order to be in a longterm romantic relationship we must develop the kind of trust where we can completely let down our guard with our partners. Although we will always have boundaries in place in terms of how we let our partners treat us, in order to feel safe enough to enter a permanent partnership we must feel certain that as long as we behave in the realm of respectful behavior, our differences, weaknesses and flaws will be accepted.
A woman on the spectrum of BPD, in order to get a love interest to devote themselves entirely to her, will let down all of her walls immediately without testing the waters of trust first. She will let her love interest see her most vulnerable side right away. This is not a conscious move on her part. In her panic to have her needs taken care of, she will throw caution to the wind. In her mind a new partner will inexplicably appear to be a person who seems incapable of hurting her.
Because we are very used to seeing people’s walls or boundaries, the experience of being allowed complete access to the inner world of someone we barely know can be quite a profound experience. When we encounter someone who has no walls up, no defenses, we may feel the same way we do when we encounter a young child or a helpless baby animal. We cannot help but want to protect and nurture them.
In addition to making us want to protect and nurture them, the act of another person dropping their defenses in front of us can often give us the freedom to drop our own defenses. Sharing on this unusual level of openness with a new acquaintance, particularly when there is a romantic element involved, can release us from our inhibitions and the feeling can be exhilarating.
Often this initial experience of interacting with a woman on the spectrum of BPD can be so powerful that despite the fortress of defenses she puts up in the later phase of this relationship which can include severe levels of mistreatment or abuse, her partner may not be able to stop trying to access the vulnerable person that they imagine must be trapped inside the walls of her defenses.
The powerful combination of a person making you feel better than you ever have plus the experience of being let in past every boundary can create a feeling of love so strong that no amount of negative treatment can convince the partner to leave. It is the woman on the spectrum of BPD’s siren-like effect that can keep partners in unhealthy relationships for decades.
Not knowing what has attracted them so strongly, most partners of women on the spectrum of BPD believe that she must be a special match for them and that their unique connection synergistically created the perfect relationship. But what they may not realize is that the perfect love that is created when both partners have 100 percent trust is not sustainable, nor is it particularly healthy in a relationship.
As human beings we can never be completely trustworthy. We all share universal character traits of selfishness as well as fear of the negative judgment of others that makes us all flawed partners. For this reason, in order to be healthy in a relationship we must already know how to take care of our own emotional needs. That way we can enjoy the wonderful feeling of another person taking care of our emotional needs from time to time without having to fear that without our partner we will not be capable of survival.
Although every one of us has a childlike wish to be loved as a perfect parent would love a young child, once we reach adulthood we must find a way to be content with respect over adoration and a mature and lasting love over the euphoric highs of the head-over-heels type of love that is the hallmark of women on the spectrum of BPD.
Related Posts:
BPD and the Nice Guy Personality Type
Did Your Ex-Girlfriend Have Traits Of Borderline Personality Disorder?
Identifying Traits of BPD In Women Before Relationship Commitment
Romantic Idealization And Devaluation In Women With Traits of BPD
Women With Traits of BPD – Why Men Stay
Did Your Ex-Girlfriend Have Traits of BPD: How to Let Go of the Good Times
Did Your Ex-Girlfriend Have Traits of BPD-The Defense Mechanism of Projection
Note To Readers: I’d like to take a moment to thank all of you who have taken the time to post in my comments section. Your questions, opinions and personal stories form an invaluable contribution to this important discussion.
If you would like to learn the Nicola Method so you can put an end to the high conflict situations you may be experiencing, click on this link to the welcome page of this website where you will find the resources you need.
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Joanna,
First off, terrific job with this website. I’ve researched BPD for over a year and have found your material to be very straightforward, jargon free and easy to absorb. Keep it up as your work has undoubtedly helped many.
In addition to “Did She Ever Love Me”, I believe that many of us who are working to move forward also struggle with the following: Did we mean anything to them? Do they think of us? Do they miss us? Or did they simply “love us until they didn’t”? Or, conversely, did the relationship become so emotionally painful for them that it is nothing but a very distant memory?
Although these questions may seem immaterial at this point and probably are difficult to answer, the inability to gain closure from these relationships leaves much unanswered. My ability to move on with my life would definitely be made easier by knowing that we mattered and made a difference in their lives. Your thoughts?
Jerry
Jerry, you are right in that the answers to these questions are too complex to answer here. But I think they could be answered in a future Part 2 for the post “Did She Really Love Me.” Thanks for such helpful feedback, and if you stay tuned I will try to answer those questions in my next blog post.
[…] I found a lot of interesting information on Joanna Nicola’s website. Particularly enlightening was a blog post titled “Women on the Spectrum of BPD—Did She Really Love Me?”. […]
I notice that men are never referred to as having BPD in these articles. Why is that? I realize this condition is more rare in men, but it does occur.
Pablo, I actually do not write about the disorder of BPD itself. I write about the personality traits associated with BPD which are very common among the female population. Although my understandings and teachings about the personality traits and behavior patterns associated with BPD often do apply to those diagnosed with the disorder and may even apply to some men with BPD, since I am not a medical professional I do not have the qualifications to write about the actual disorder.
All of my understandings about the behavior patterns associated with BPD are derived from simple concepts about how basic human emotions work and how male and female personality traits influence them.
Dear Joanna,
I am in a relationship with a girl with bpd. She is aware of it, she was with a therapist and took medicines. As you can imagine I am the nice-guy type and I feel me very involved in it. But I am scared about everything. She knows a lot about her illness and she would like to change. Do you think is it possible?
David, you are right to be afraid because many of the behaviors that women with BPD engage in with their partners are psychologically destructive to them. The effect of these behaviors is often not perceived as it is going on. A useful way to tell if you are in a position to be harmed by this behavior is whether you feel that she is trying to erode or attack your self-esteem. Self-esteem is the area which gets damaged during emotional abuse and we are all very fragile and vulnerable in this area, particularly in romantic relationships.
We cannot know how quickly your girlfriend will progress in treatment, but usually the behaviors engaged in during romantic relationships are the very last area to heal since they are the most powerful trigger for these individuals, and this is with a lot of hard work on their part. However, there are always exceptions. An experienced therapist may be a useful resource in terms of helping you with this difficult decision.
From a woman with BPD :
I am glad that you say in one of your comments that you are not a medical professionnal to speak about the disorder. While i think you have a general good understanding of the disorder you seem to put all of us in the same basket. We are not all on the same level of “craziness” let’s say. For example i am what we call a QUIET BPD because i do not experience rage tantrum and violence.
What i find sad is that you seem to think that every men that has a relationship with a BPD is unfortunate or even abused and i would like to say that this is absolutely not true. Men don’t need to be scared of us,we might have our load of emotionnal problems (who doesn’t by the way ? ) but just like any body else we have alot to offer too. We can be lovely partners,mothers,friends etc and this is true for men with BPD as well.
Don’t forget that BPD is a psychological disorder,most of us have suffered alot in our lives. We have been abused as children by family and so on. This is my story,alot of abuse from my family. When i was younger (teen-early twenties) i was attracted to the same kind of partner,an abusive one. That’s right. Because we are attracted to what we know…By abusive i mean he was violent verbally,physically and sexually. This is not some dellusionnal BPD idea that i was abused. He comes from a different country and culture/religion background and of course with my strong untreated fear of abandonment it was a dangerous cocktail.
I was seing a therapist (and still is) because of my abusive childhood and we discovered i am BPD. Since years i put alot of effort in healing and dealing with my disorder. I take medication and have a very good lifestyle. You need to be active and eat good and it make such a difference ! Speaking about your traumatic childhood with a therapist is very helpful too.
For those who would like to get help for their girlfriend or wife tell them ! But they need to first recognize that they have a problem and that is sometimes the hardest part. There’s no shame in being BPD so please go get help or unfortunately you will suffer as well as people around you.
Healing is possible.
I’m a good example,i have now a wonderful husband since years and we have two children. Everything is nice about this relatioship (yes from both sides since he met my therapist). We give eachother and to our kids the best of us.
BPD women please get help and you will thank yourself for it. You don’t want to live with all that pain. You are a good person deep inside and you deserve love just like everybody.
For men who suffered from BPD women i feel very sorry for you,that must be awful but don’t forget there is hope for your recovery too.
Love
My wife was emotionally abusive, lied often, rarely took ownership, and tried to use intimacy often to get her way. She hated me when I left to go to work as if I was abandoning her and told the Pastor of our church that it was unfair that I spent time with my 12 year old daughter and 2 step children because my time should be just for her……Odd BPD behavior…
These women are monsters. Your problematic childhood is no excuse to destroy another person.
Ed, these women are not monsters, but their effect on others could certainly be described as monstrous. And you are right, their problematic childhood is no excuse to destroy another person.
True, run and never look back.
I have been on and off with my girlfriend who I suspect has bpd. Yes I was foolish enough to try again because I love her so much. I was one of those that was falsely arrested after she claimed I had been harassing her for three months when in reality we had only been split up for three weeks and she was with a new partner already !
I spent 22 hours in a cell at the age of 49 having never been arrested before. After 10 months had passed and two more failed relationships she knocked on my door late one night telling me how sorry she was for treating me the way that she did !
Really opened my eyes some of these blogs have . We have just ended after another 10 months , I tried so hard and did everything a loving partner could have done . I was cruelly discarded again out of the blue at the beginning of June like I was rubbish .
I joined a dating site a few weeks back and she joined the same one about a week later . She now views my profile multiple times and sends a wink every night . Utter madness !
Dave, thanks for this very important precautionary tale.
My girlfriend had a bpd.But she was ever abusive or manipulative.she had abandonment issues,mood swings,impulsivity,and trouble with friends.well she had no friends.Three months ago she broke up with me saying that I changed.Actually there was this one guy with whom she started texting before our break up.She broke up with me and after seeing her emotional break down he ran away.Now she thinks that I hate her.And I havent contacted her till now.I don’t want to reconcile with her.But after educating with all the stuff about bpd I think I should inform her.Is it a good idea? How should I do that? If it is her mental illness that caused me pain then I have to forgive her and make her life easier by telling her about bpd,right?
John, this is a very good question. BPD is not literally a mental illness. We can best describe it as a condition. All of the behaviors that she is engaging in are common defense mechanisms which all human beings use to protect themselves from pain. The treatment for this condition is learning as an adult the things our parents teach the rest of us as children. They have to receive remedial training to learn how to control their emotions.
As extreme as the behaviors you have experienced are, they all stop once the person learns how to apply the techniques the rest of us use to control our emotions. With treatment these individuals can function like you and I which would not be possible if they had a mental illness. So you don’t owe her anything at all. And if you do choose to tell her, her defense mechanisms will kick into place to keep her from accepting what you are saying. You might, however, have a heart to heart talk with one of her family members and introduce your beliefs to them along with the fact that they can easily get her treatment. It’s possible that a family member can introduce this subject carefully to her.
Joanna,
Its great to read your blog and understand what went wrong in our relationship with so much clarity. After 10 months of roller coaster ride now I get a clear picture of what all I suffered and after so much of reading on internet , your blog is is blessing. I totally agree with you when you say “we don’t owe to them , neither we are reason for their cause and they will never agree that they suffer from this mental condition- for them it will be always just a simple emotional issue. At the best what we can do is inform and explain their condition to relatives and friends so before they make few more people insane they must at least accept their illness and start therapy. Once again thanks a ton for wonderful work.
regards
sai
Sai, I’m so glad the blog was helpful for you.
Very good reading ,have learned so much about the condition ,thankyou
Luis, you asked me to put your comment in with a different format. Instead I’ll cut and paste.
Here is your original question:
I am three months out of a three-year relationship with someone I suspect has borderline personality disorder . I was and am still very in love with her at the time I started suspect maybe she had to terrrats or something because she would say things as she walked away from me thinking maybe I didn’t hear her and I was too afraid of her to call her on it.
I’m usually a very confident person and had a good business when we got together but over the time of the relationship I became less and less strong and eventually she told me that she couldn’t be with me because I wasn’t cool calm and collected.
She lied to me on a number of occasions boldfaced and when I called her on the lies she would then tell me of abuse that she suffered when she was a child and tell me that I was frightening her up and acting like the abuser ……
And I would feel sorry for her and drop to my knees and say I wasn’t that man I would never do that to her and become so sad for her. Is this normal for them to use this type of tactic to cover up for the falsehood , turn the table so to speak so I became somehow in the wrong ??
Joanna Nicola’s Response: I would say that your experience is very much in line with traits of BPD. She was needing to escape from guilt. Those with traits of BPD are much more prone to guilt than the average person. They cannot tolerate it and will do anything to temporarily escape the feeling.
The original lie would have been to make herself feel better over some other emotion she was not comfortable with. But then after she lies and someone points it out, she is not able to face the guilt of having lied and does whatever she needs to do in order to escape the bad feeling of having lied. A very typical choice for someone with traits of BPD is to edit the context of whatever situation they are in so that they end up being the victim.
Dear Joanna,
I, too, have suffered immensely behind a BP female and I have a Doctorate in Psychology. My BP came at me like a house on fire, but seemed to devalue me within a few weeks. All the textbook knowledge in the world has not saved me and I find myself singing death’s praises through music and media. I ended the relationship 3 weeks ago and my days now seem empty and sad. I have stopped functioning, ruminating only on her experience of me, knowing all too well that I am long past and fading in her rear view mirror as she is onto the next poor unfortunate soon to share my dreadful fate.
Sheri, the grief after a breakup with a partner with BPD is truly an extraordinary phenomenon that flies in the face of everything we know about human behavior. It doesn’t seem linked to any specific personality type or only to the presence of childhood issues. We can only guess that these partners evoke a universal longing for emotional fulfillment that perhaps that no other type of relationship can get near.
Johanna, thank you so much. Every line I read is like you were there. How does she know?!? I was with a super powered BP woman for two years. We travelled world together. We created so much together. We produced shows, We danced with fire. We made music. We were everything. When she would come at me with such cruelty I didn’t even recognize her but then after she would be so kind and said she needed me to stand by her. She went to dialectal therapy when I said it was that or we were finished. It didn’t help. She wouldnt reularly take her mood stabilisers and anti-psychotic because she said they made her feel like she wasn’t there. It’s been 6 months since I left but she is always in my head. I cry all the time. She has made the whole city and community believe that I was abusive. I feel so alone. What do I do. I wish there were people I could talk to but the experience’s a had sound like too crazy a story for anyone to believe. I was so afraid to talk about any of this but I didn’t know why. I still don’t exactly. But your blog is really helping. If you have any advice for where I can go to talk to other people who have experienced this please let me know. Thank you again. What your doing is beautiful. Brian.
Brian, I’m sorry to say that your situation is common with BPD breakups. It doesn’t leave partners with too many options. Hopefully you have some people who are in your court. Awareness of BPD is slowly increasing. At this point I believe most therapists have a fairly clear understanding of BPD vindictiveness. There are now some internet forums where people in your situation are able to talk about the very painful outcomes of these relationships, and you might find some solace there.
Brian It sounds like we have a pretty similar story. My ex was highly creative and had a muse like ability with those around her. It was amazing to see her perform and pull people into her art. She also had gone with dialectical therapy.The break-up gets easier with time. Don’t concern yourelf with what shes telling others happened. Anyone who knows her or you will recognise that her stories don’t line up and you probabily aren’t the first person she has had a similar confrontation with. My ex pulled the same thing. And I know what you mean I don’t even bother to tell my friends about all the craziness I wittnessed because to be honest I’m still in disbelief myself.
I’d like to reiterate a comment from Eva. Bpd is on a spectrum so all the details and examples listed above may or may not reflect a specific person’s disorder. So anyone who is reading this post should realize your research should not stop and readers need to do their due diligence before formulating an opinion or making an assumption. With that being said I found many of the examples and explanation of behavior to be highly reflective of my own experience being in a relation with some with bpd. I dated a woman that was diagnose bpd for over a year and I ended the relationship after realizing the relationship was not going to become any more stable. I found myself making sacrifices and compromises that I told myself I would not tolerate while waiting for her to change or get better. To anyone currently in a relationship with someone with bpd please realize its work a lot of it. I loved that girl and still do but she was in a constant state of crisis. Early in the relationship I felt that I could make a difference in her life and the origin of her disorder came from horrible events that she was a victim of. I am pretty familiar with mental illness Ive had my own issues when I was younger and grew up around bipolar family members so the behaviors she exhibited didn’t disturb me and I figured if anyone I would be well suited to help. The difference with bpd and most disorders I have encountered is there is no cure no magic pill your partner will not snap out of it and be “normal”. If you and your partner put in the work you have a chance. Learning how to comfort and be communicative seemed to help alot. For me I hit my limit. I spent alot of my energy trying to help my partner and when I was struggling with my own problems she was too caught up with her own to help and ended up putting more strain on me. I have learned to be pretty self-sustaining but when the relationship started to head towards marriage and kids I knew that I wouldn’t have the energy or will to support her myself and children. When I ended the relationship she was upset and hurt which I had expected. She lashed out using every personal detail she knew about me to hurt me. The one nice thing I observed with bpd is there seemed to be little conscious manipulation. From the outside most people thought she was manipulative but conscious manipulation requires someone to hold back their own emotions to obtain a goal bpd makes that pretty difficult as it is characterized as having little to no control over emotion and emotional responses. So I was able to pretty quickly recognize she was acting out and the things she said had little to no real merit. It’s pretty easy for someone without bpd to characterize individuals suffering from bpd as “monstrous” and see them as bad people but that’s not accurate. BPD is complex and those suffering may have limited control over their own thoughts or actions. The woman I dated is a wonderful person who struggles with a condition I am only capable of understanding pieces of and despite how the relationship ended I will always love her and am better for knowing her. She is the most unique person I have ever encountered.
The way you refer to women with BPD is in no way acceptable. This whole article is somewhat of an attack on them and just creates even more stigma of the illness.
wrong. These articles never referred to anyone as having BPD, but only having BPD traits, and they are the most accurate description of my experience I have found after searching everywhere for some explanation of how something could have been so wonderful, secure, intense and loving where I was the hero, only to become a nightmare with me as the villain. I lost myself, my esteem, confidence and questioned my own character when she turned on me after two years of solid bliss when an enactment of plastic surgery, myself and other material things could no longer divert her attention away from her childhood and martial pain. I was accused of abuse, couldn’t be trusted and made her want to commit suicide. It was the hardest thing I have ever done to walk away. I still cry a year later. I will always love her.
Thank you for placing clarity in my healing and giving me a place of understanding and existence as a good man.
Having just found this blog – I can see your point – but, lets try to understand that until the last 3-5 years the amount of information for the relationship partner to someone with BPD was lacking and hard to follow. Part of what you are reading is pain. Part of what you are reading with hope mixed with anger at their partner, but more at themselves for not seeing the destructive actions of the BPD partner and acting sooner. Some of what you read is adjunct anger (though not much imho) from partners that cannot believe the cold ineffectual ability to cut emotions even though want you wanted was a nice guy. What you see and read hear are the heart of nice guys, like me, who love to love, love to help, love to give and really are only asking for ONE THING BACK… Take a breath with us
Take our hand
Take our hearts like day one …
….because we too want to know we are valued and a hug and an I’m Sorry from your heart (like occasionally immediately) will grow our relationship to the next level.
My heart is shattered with her actions – and when I react back – I AM THE DEVIL. Self Introspection is missing from herself, not mine and I cry for what now appears to all been a lie, dream or possible manipulation of another NG.
To anyone who is in a relationship with a BPD individual or has recently had a relationship end: You will get through this and you will be stronger for it.
BPD’s thrive on attention, negative or positive. When you remove this source of “supply” or power from them, they no longer have any control. The short answer is “no contact”. Do not respond to any attempts to contact you. It will be incredibly difficult at first, but you will get stronger. Find your passion(work, volunteer, family, sports, etc) and just dive into it. One day you will look back and this will only be a bad memory.
This is an incredibly articulate, thorough and accurate website. I continue to be surprised at the lack of knowledge that the general public has regarding the damage that borderline and other personality disorders cause to both individuals, families, and society as a whole.
Thank you for putting together such a great website.
Shawn, thanks for your contribution to my blog and for your kind words.
Yes, this article pretty much nailed my story with my bpd ex. near four years together – three months and three weeks since i packed a bag and got the hell out. I have retained no contact since despite hoovering efforts in play… Ahh but within a week she’d put herself out on dating sites looking for ‘just love’ and someone who ‘won’t bring drama into her life’ – laughable really – but then, there wouldn’t be room for anyone else’s drama.
The bit in the article about BPD traits originating in over-frequency of the flight or fight instinct being in childhood (I’m paraphrasing) is something I hadn’t read anywhere before but makes perfect sense given my partner’s upbringing. I’d like to add my thanks for this article Nicola. I just hope and pray my ex somehow finds the way out of her nightmare and is able to actually live life one day. It isn’t her fault she is like she is – although if I’m honest i think as adults that just doesn’t really cut it anymore.. time to take responsibility blah blah. that said, i I still burst into tears randomly, feel sad and miss the aspects of her that made her special to me but having been accused of rape, systematic abuse and violently attacked (sexual assault towards the end a few times) when recoiling and in defence mode, I’m glad to be out of harm’s way. I was going to end up dead one of those crazy nights, or worse in defending myself and trying to push her off me, she would have.
I have been about 6 months out of a relationship with a woman with BPD.
The signs were there right from the very beginning 8 years ago.
We were acquaintances as teenagers, yet took different paths into adulthood, and we initially connected on facebook through our mutual friends. Her instant crush on me started nearly immediately yet I just didn’t know it, but within weeks she was flying to atlanta to visit me, and I flew to Texas to visit her in a whirlwind at her obvious adoration and her complete abandon of self when she was around me. She truly was absolutely intoxicating….And I thought I was the luckiest man on the planet.
in 1 single month…We began discussing moving in with eachother.
I flew to Texas is where I noticed the 1st sign of trouble. She picked me up at the airport and drove me to her apartment. Literally, as soon as she closed the door behind me and I set my bags down, 2 of her neighbors started banging on the door, yelling and trying to get me outside to fight me.
I have never been to Texas in my life, much less even knew these people, I had no idea why the wanted to fight me. I actually thought she had set me up. Her simple response was “Just ignore them, they have a crush on me and they are jealous”.
My suspicions of this kind of negativity and drama were immediately raised from nearly day one, I should have left then, and my gut actually told me to do so. But I continued with our plan to move in together anyway. She loads a Uhaul truck (those 2 poor doting guys actually helped load it) and she drives to Atlanta to a warehouse apartment we had leased in preparation for our move.
Of course, the 1st few weeks were amazing, exciting, unreal, like it felt like we were the same person. Until inevitably our 1st disagreement happened. How profound it was, is why I still remember it to this very day over 8 years later. I bet no one reading this can remember their very 1st argument with their partner.
I can…
We were arguing over whether or not we should hang out with some mutual friends (an otherwise nearly inconsequential argument right)? She was so full of rage, such anger I have actually never even seen out of a woman before. She picked up a large, heavy glass ashtray off of the kitchen counter….and threw it at me. I dodged it like neo in the matrix and it smashed into the weathered brick warehouse wall behind me.
I didn’t hesitate….I immediately went right to the table and grabbed my car keys and left, saying absolutely nothing.
And I just got in my car and drove. I don’t even know where I was going, I just knew I had to leave the apartment so I drove. Nearly immediately my phone is ringing. It’s her. I hit ignore. She calls again. ignore. Again and again and again she is calling and I cannot bring myself to answer. This goes on for maybe 20 minutes until I do.
“Hello….”
” *sobbing* Please come back *sniffling*…I don’t know what I might do to myself if you don’t come back, I have your shotgun….”
I nearly dropped the phone, my mouth must’ve dropped into my lap. I whipped the car around so fast it probably looked like Tokyo Drift and mashed the gas back to the apartment. Parked the car, threw up the e-brake and ran at a sprint into the warehouse. I nearly kicked open the door and….
There she was….crying in the middle of the living room with my Remington 870 12 gauge. She didn’t even look up. She was loading the shells into the bottom while just sobbing uncontrollably, then racking the slide discharging them from the side. Loading and unloading, crying and loading and unloading and crying. 12 gauge shells scattered around everywhere.
I have never seen anything like that in my life…I actually stood there not moving to watch this happen for maybe 30 seconds, afraid if I dash towards her maybe she might shoot me? shoot herself?
I never said a word. Eventually, I simply walked over too her and just took the shotgun from her hands. She didn’t fight, didn’t try to prevent it, she just let me have it and I emptied all the shells out, double checked the chamber and put it on safety.
And I sat there for what felt like hours and just watched her cry. I don’t recall even knowing what to say, I was just completely dumbfounded, confused, shocked, stunned? I honestly don’t even recall trying to console her? I don’t think I even had the capacity after what I witnessed.
This was literally just month ONE of our sordid, traumatic and catastrophic relationship.
So now we are both on the lease of this warehouse, and the co-dependency has begun immediately. I’m mentally ignoring the obvious…Because otherwise the passion is intense, and she has already begun inserting herself into every facet of my life. She’s chatting with my friends on facebook, she’s developing friendships with my parents, she’s adopting my hobbies and likes down to even movies and video games like its the most natural thing in the world…and I am convinced she’s my soul mate.
By this time i’m realizing that her alcohol intake isn’t really just her “having a few drinks and having a good time”. Every day shes drinking. And by the evening she was becoming fairly belligerent and I was then noticing her severe irrationality. Drinking with my ex was like drinking with “that guy” we all know you don’t want to drink with…where you just KNOW after a certain point, trouble is going to happen. A fight, an argument, something will go down. She would inevitably sit me down and criticize me, cry over her glass of wine and tell me about all the abuse shes suffered and mostly spiral down into the darkest black hole of depression I have ever seen in a human. And I tried to sympathize with her, and overall continually try to talk her back up when this would happen, but it happened ALL the time.
So I started falling into a routine when I thought she got too drunk, I would leave the room, or go into the office. read a book, play a game or leave the house for a little while and otherwise just avoid her.
And this seemed to have been okay for a little while, but what I didn’t realize was what it caused she began becoming angry at my “distance”. She started to feel like I wasn’t giving her the attention she deserved. She began accusing me of being “cold and heartless, sociopathic” and language like that. lacking ALL self-awareness on her part on what possibly could have brought on me shutting down emotionally.
All of this is happening behind closed doors, but this isn’t to say she was completely “bad”. We’re hanging out with friends and they really seem to like her, we are traveling and renting cabins up in the Appalachians with friends and family and having a great time. So i’m overall “happy” I suppose even with these other glaring flaws in the relationship kinda chalking it up to “women are friggin’ crazy man…what am I supposed to do”? and hoping foolishly that with time “She can change, I see the good in her”….
Brain, my BPD Patner and I broke up – mess as shit for her attacking of me and lots and lots of lies… but 10 months later, NC in between we chat and she move in in Jan 2018. Today, the continued lack of saying “I AM SORRY” for her actions even a few times, as killed the flow of trust… and it is still my fault since we all know the amount of circular turn-around which falls on us. Dude, sorry for your loss, but now, round two.. my friends see her actions and in a new light several of them have told me to leave her, she is manipulative, she is unbalanced (cannot hold a job for the life of her for six years now) and the such. and still we laughed so much when alone.. a ton…. and I can only assume she valued that at ZERO.
THANK YOU for this website. It has helped me immensely. I’m a little perplexed though. I just broke up with a BPD (I think) female. She had many of the signs of BPD…but I didn’t see them at first. That is…until she made the Jekyll-Hyde transition. It was sudden….immediate and shockingly ugly. Hurt like hell. Confused me.
The thing that puzzles me though is this:
She did not idealize me at the beginning of the relationship. Maybe even a little standoffish. There was little kissing…no sex…but a good deal of hugging. In fact….it even seemed that she wasn’t that interested in developing a romantic relationship.
However…as time went on (3 months)….this changed. It began to get very romantic (kissing, etc.) and even planning for things in the future (fun stuff like….trips out of town…concerts….etc). It was then that the Jekyll/Hyde transformation took place. (the reason I left….) It was shocking and hurt bad….until I found this website. Now things are starting to making sense.
The question I’m wondering is….based on her initial seemingly lack of interest….then some pretty good romance…..then to Jekyll/Hyde…..did she ever really care?? Was she truly attracted to me?….or just using me in some way? In every other pattern though she definitely seemed to be on the BPD spectrum. Its actually quite amazing….
Thoughts??
Doug, as I answered when you asked this question before, I would once again say that there are many variations on how women with traits of BPD may behave in a romantic relationship. I would give you the same answer that I would give to any ex partner of an individual with these traits. Love, for them, is very different than it is for the rest of us.
Most human beings experience love differently than they do other emotions. Other emotions are fleeting, the ebb and flow. Whereas human beings experience love in a long-term way. Something very negative or a constant erosion over time has to happen for us to lose love.
People with traits of BPD have ebbs and flows of love just like they do for anger, sadness and happiness. It can be overwhelming one moment and gone as though it never was there the next. So we could say that she did care, but not in the long-term way that you would care for a romantic partner or someone you were in love with.
Attraction is exactly the same. We tend to be attracted to certain types of people. Our attraction levels are fairly predictable. People with traits of BPD can be wildly attracted to someone one moment and disgusted by them the next. These ebbs and flows usually work in an idealization and devaluation pattern, in other words a set number of months for one and a set number for the other, sometimes repeating the pattern and sometimes the split black is permanent.
I wouldn’t necessarily say she used you, because all of these negative behaviors happen on a subconscious level, and the feelings, positive and negative, are overwhelming. On the other hand one might say it has something in common with being used because these individuals are addicted to being in love. And they will use partners interchangeably to achieve this.
What we could say is that she didn’t love you for who you are. And I think the best advice for anyone is to try to find a future love interest that loves you exactly for who you are. It’s also very important to find someone who experiences love in a long-term, not fleeting way in which those with traits of BPD feel it.
Thank you so much Joanna!
Hi Johanna. Thank you for providing me with answers I needed. I fell in love with such a BPD woman about a year ago. We are now friends because of the reasons you explain. When I met her I knew nothing about this disorder so I was clueless as to why she had such mood swings or why she would attacked or criticize me after I didn’t quite buy an engagement ring but had just put some money down. This relationship has affected me a lot and I am undecided about what to do. As you know, it is difficult to approach someone with BOD to go see a therapist and take their meds because they don’t believe they have an illness! I don’t want to abandon her and walk away because she was there for me and my dad before he passed in April. I also don’t want to be just friends because I want a long term relationship. The problem is that although she tells me she can only offer me a friendship right now, she acts enraged and very jealous when she asks me and o tell her I git together with a friend. What possible way can I find to get her to see a therapist that can open her eyes? How can I bring it up without her getting upset at me?
I would greatly appreciate your comments
Joao, there is a way to present the problem where one of these individuals may not reject a suggestion for treatment. If it was explained as a problem with emotional regulation, it could work. We all get emotionally dysregulated from time to time, but she clearly has great difficulty regulating her emotions. DBT or dialectical behavioral therapy is a very easy to learn skill that anyone can practice through the use of a DBT workbook that can be ordered on line. It’s also the method that is used to treat people with BPD. You might consider presenting this concept while clearly stating that all people can use this type of therapy. You can order a workbook on DBT on line if you want to find out more about this method or present it to her.
Thanks Joanna. I will look into it for sure
Thank you Joanna! I went through a relationship with someone that has BPD, and it seemed like you were talking directly to me, because I experienced almost all of the things that you mentioned. It really helps to read things like this, because she made it seem like I was the one with all the problems. But I was nothing but faithful and devoted to her, and I did everything I could for the relationship. I tried my best. But in the end, she had a laundry list of things she didn’t like, but most of those things, the first time I heard about them was during the breakup, most of which were untrue/lies. But reading all of this has really helped me.
Dear Joanna,
First of all thank you so much for taking the time to write such useful information on BPD. My ex girlfriend broke up with me a month ago following one year relationship filled with sudden burst of angers – incl. domestic violence on occasions – and moments of happiness in between. Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde style with the latter taking over her personality “full time” – when with me only – since last Xmas. Although I’m no psychologist, having read as much material on personality disorders I’m eventually pondering she may have BPD or at least she definitively has some traits of the same. She broke up with me a couple of times last year and this one seems to be the definitive one. I’m assuming she may have done so by going with a “candidate” she has previously lined up (she chats with many male “friends”…). She completely stopped communicating with me and wouldn’t reply to my texts nor take my calls. Rather than insisting I took upon me to see her face to face to try to tell her the mood swings she has and sudden violent behaviours may be the result of an underlying mental problem and as such to seek professional help e.g. psychiatrist. Her reaction to this is I’m the one who should be seeing a psychiatrist and she reported me to the police for harassment. In such condition, would you know of any way to make her realise she may have BPD and to seek psychological therapy help? And even if there was a way, what would be the odds for her to resume our relationship and make it healthy (especially if she may have started dating somebody else as previously stated)?
Alexander, I do teach methods that can be used to regulate the emotions of woman with light traits of BPD. But generally when an individual’s condition is so extreme that she would call the police on an innocent partner, I would advise that her presence in your life can potentially pose a threat to your welfare. She would need many years of dialectical behavioral therapy to make enough changes to where she would be safe both physically and psychologically to be in a relationship with.
Thank you for your article. I was wondering if you had any insight about the interplay between BPD and narcissistic personality disorder. After time off after a divorce from a long-time marriage, I had a 5 month relationship with someone I already knew for a while that turned romantic. I was unprepared for what followed. There was a BPD pattern that you address, but with definite NPD features.. We had already talked a lot of shared experiences and I really liked her knowledge of many of the things that I did. This person hinted as insecurities, but seemed very confident. What ;later began with generalized statements of love, always through text, seemed somewhat immature such as “I kind of love you right now”.” etc. The first actual date progressed quicker than I am used to hand holding, and a lot of texting. After several more dates, and some strange controlling actions related to problems solely with my behavior, an “I love you” from her (via text) came a month later, with what I felt were over the top gestures, gifts and constant thoughtful acts. Also mutual commitment and a quick move to a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship. I always felt like I was treated like Superman in an extremely idealized way that felt uncomfortable to me. Ultimately, I bought into it all, and not only fell in love with this person but felt it was the “perfect love” that you speak of. We met each others kids, spoke and texted constantly. That lasted for one more month of constant texting, with a strange occurrence once in a while that would keep me a bit off balance. Once it became clear that I was not Superman with some definite flaws and issues, it rapidly declined into puling back, without any explanation of what the issue was, or any discussion. That was followed by ridiculous accusations, hot/cold starting and stopping of the relationship, then sabotaging planned get-together and trips. She re-start the relationship, then pull back again. I was completely scared at this point to address the issue with her as I was afraid of killing it. Then out of the blue, ending is in a very cruel fashion, with absolutely everything projected to me as my fault. This was done by phone, then by text, my request for a personal meeting was denied. This seems BPD, but there is also: a grandiose sense of entitlement, un-mutable opinions, acting much smarted than her credentials warrant, very charismatic, but very demeaning, while claiming to be an introvert. Then drawing me back into the relationship twice over 2 months with promises of getting back together, all while knowing I was devastated by the out-of-the-blue initial breakup,, Then more hot/cold and more cruel acts, including one day when we were back together and I was discarded again that evening.. I’ve heard from a mutual friend and others that she enjoys demeaning people, and she seems to enjoy being cruel to me now in various ways. Is this just BPD spectrum or is it more full-blown narcissism with BPD qualities? Anyway, trying hard to recover.. plus deal with my own co-dependent personality as I had no control over this relationship from the beginning and no idea what I was getting into.
Cary, I’m sorry to hear what you have been going through. This behavior is all within the BPD spectrum. Narcissistic behavior is always a component of the behavior pattern, and these individuals can be very cruel. The highly developed intuition that allows them to recognize all of your best traits also allows them to recognize every vulnerability you have. And during devaluation stage these vulnerabilities may be attacked mercilessly. The person during that time will want to hurt you. But usually at some later time their rage will subside and they return back to more of a victim mentality rather than a victimizer. The narcissistic behavior of cruelty is a subconscious need to push away a partner they fear will betray them. They get so close initially that they must literally blow up the relationship in order to escape as quickly as possible.
Hello recent break up with BPD wife short marriage, full cycle of idealization and devaluation. Time is up, therapy helped me walk away and I plan to stay away. I wish I would have recognized it all sooner.
This blog reads like the movie script of the life I’ve lived the last 7-years. So thanks for lifting the veil on this mysterious, misery inducing horror flick that until now I couldn’t fully comprehend. Like many here, I fell victim to a beautiful BPD woman. I had the misfortune of meeting this emotional fraudster a couple of years after my fiancé had died and was quite vulnerable to her gushing gestures of adoration and admiration. But like most of you, the result was eventually devaluation and discard. She was literally engaged to a new guy a month after our breakup. I experienced the false police reports, attempted blackmail, extortion, and physical assaults and destruction of property like so many of you here. While I could write pages of crazy stories about my 7-year sentence, the important thing I’ve pulled out of this septic tank is the fact that her being crazy didn’t mean I was normal. I have determined three items of personal development that could have spared me from this relationship train wreck. Assertiveness, boundaries, and self esteem. It seems a person with BPD will almost immediately cross your boundaries and see if you’re assertive enough to call them out and draw a line in the sand. The girl I was with was drunk every time I saw her for the first 6 months and I knew I couldn’t be with someone like that. But she was so beautiful (I’m talking former model etc) that my low self esteem told me I’d never get someone that beautiful again. So the key for me in amputating this psychological gangrene has been learning about BPD traits, but more importantly, learning what traits in myself made me susceptible to such a malignant butt tumor in the first place.