Women With Traits of BPD: Regaining Her Trust
When Trust Is An Uphill Battle
If you have ever spent time with a woman who has traits associated with BPD, or borderline personality disorder, you probably know what a struggle it is to win and keep her trust.
Even if this woman does not qualify for the diagnosis of this condition, chances are she has great difficulty establishing trust with those she is close to.
If you are like most people, you may have failed to realize she had this very real problem until you let your guard down with her, expecting her to do the same.
You probably found out the hard way that a woman with traits of BPD often can’t trust. She may have at first disclosed her deepest secrets to you and may also have gotten you to tell her things you had never told anyone before. This powerful connection may have led you to believe you had found your best friend or even your soul mate.
But just when you started believing that nothing could ever come between you, you may soon have found yourself being accused of all sorts of disreputable behavior that you wouldn’t have dreamed of doing. After enough of these incidents you probably realized out that each time she got it in her head that you had betrayed her in some way, the memory of every good deed you had ever done for her was erased.
If you did finally manage to convince her otherwise, you may have found that something would always happen that would set off her distrust again. If you’re like most people, you probably came to the conclusion that you were being set up for failure because she was incapable of trusting.
In Part 1 of the blog series Women With Traits of BPD: Why Can’t She Trust Me, we addressed many of the reasons why a woman with traits of BPD can’t trust those she is closest to. We found out she is much more sensitive to the humiliation that accompanies rejection than the average person and that she often chooses not to trust rather than leave herself open to being hurt.
In Part 2 of this series you are going to find out that although it may seem as though these women are incapable of trusting those they are close to, there is a way to get behind their defenses so you can win their trust. In order to see how easy it is to overcome distrust in women with traits of BPD, you may first need to take a look at the world through her eyes, the eyes of someone who experiences much more emotional pain in their relationships with others than the average person.
Through The Eyes of BPD
In order to understand why the formula you are going to be learning works when every other attempt to win this woman’s trust may have failed, we need to pinpoint exactly what trust in a friendship or relationship means to the woman with traits of BPD. What you will find is that the woman with traits of BPD’s assessment of how likely we may be to break her trust may actually be more realistic than we think. Let’s take a look at why.
The truth is, as human beings we are not completely reliable to those we are closest to. We are not robots. We are human. And as evolved as we may think we are, we have instincts and emotions that can override even our best intentions. Every one of us has selfish impulses and desires that we must constantly keep under control so we can make sure we don’t betray the trust of others. This is often easily done with the people in our outer circles. But the ones we share the majority of our time with are likely to see us at our worst.
As hard as we may try, when we are around the same people day in and day out, eventually we do slip up. We may use a harsh word, give an unnecessary criticism, experience a lapse in our usual good will or make a behind the scenes decision to take more than our share. Although these are very minor in the scheme of things, they fall under the category of a betrayal of trust for those we care about.
Even though most of us consider these minor acts of betrayal a normal part of life, the woman with traits of BPD does not. She feels terrible hurt and betrayal when we stop taking her needs into consideration for even a moment. Because most woman with traits of BPD were born with this high sensitivity to the negative behaviors of others, she will have built up a lifetime of slights and hurts over matters that most of us forget about in an instant.
When we look at our behavior through the eyes of the woman with traits of BPD, we see that we have done nothing wrong. Simply based on the fact that we are human we will be causing her great pain on a regular basis. And because she will have been hurt by countless other people before us, she will probably resort to protecting herself from this pain by choosing to distrust us before we can do anything that hurts her.
Whether you are just her friend or in a romantic relationship, when you ask her to trust you are actually asking her to agree to set herself up for what she would consider a blindside. And although she may have acted like she was ready for a deep connection, she will most certainly end up accusing you of things you would never do. This is her way of making sure she never has to trust you enough to get hurt.
The woman with traits of BPD usually cannot enter a relationship without an initial phase of idealization. During this phase she convinces herself that you are not like all the others who have hurt her. Many people find themselves taken in by this idealization phase. They are quite surprised when the woman with traits of BPD, no longer able to delude herself that she can’t be hurt, pushes them away. When they fall from their pedestal they often fall very hard.
Although you may feel you are truly one of the good guys, none of us are capable of holding others’ interests in mind 24 hours a day. Therefore the resolution to a woman with traits of BPD’s lack of trust doesn’t depend on you changing your behavior in any way. The key to getting a woman with traits of BPD to trust you lies in your understanding of what makes her tick. It is this understanding that will bridge the gap between your perception of trust and hers.
Once you understand how she is interpreting your behavior, her extreme reaction will make sense to you. When she sees that you understand and accept her perspective caused by her oversensitivity, she will be able to accept that you are less sensitive and didn’t mean to actually hurt her.
The formula you will be following is very specific. You will be following it each time you lose the trust of a woman with traits of BPD. In order to reestablish trust, all you need to do is:
1. Acknowledge her fear that you might betray her in some way.
2. Tell her that she is correct to assume that anyone might betray her that way, even you.
3. Let her know that you didn’t mean for whatever you said or did to come out the way it did.
4. Tell her what you really meant by your behavior.
This simple process can take less than a minute and it can save you days, weeks or months of work trying to get back into her good graces. In order to accomplish this series of actions, it’s not enough to state in general terms what you did to make her doubt your trustworthiness. You will need to be able to state on a very detailed level what kind of betrayal the woman with traits of BPD suspects in order for her to feel you truly understand.
In order to get down to this level of detail, you may need to accept that the woman with traits of BPD will always be on the lookout for behavior on your part that could lead to you either rejecting her or trying to control or dominate her. Once you identify why your behavior raised the red flag of doubt for her, you will have all the information you need to easily convince her that you had no intention to hurt her.
Signals Of BPD Betrayal
In order to learn to recognize the signals you put out that to her spell betrayal, you must learn the way she thinks. It won’t be your actions that set off her distrust, despite what she tells you. It will always be what she fears are your intentions behind the actions. Her interpretation of your behavior may seem almost paranoid. However, this is exactly the perspective you will need to understand her accusations and immediately clear them up.
If you look at your actions from the point of view of a woman who is very afraid she will be rejected or controlled, you will easily be able to identify her fear behind her defensive anger and accusations. It is this fear that you will be addressing, not your behavior.
So that you can begin to understand what kind of behaviors create distrust in a woman with traits of BPD, here are a few examples of common behaviors that cause these women to see red flags:
1. You express an opinion that is different from hers.
(If you are not very careful to let her know you heard her point of view before launching into your own, she may fear that you are trying to control her by acting like your opinion is the one that counts.)
2. You express that you don’t understand something she is trying to explain.
(She may be afraid that you actually know very well what she is talking about but are pretending you don’t so you don’t have to listen to her.)
You express having a nice time with someone other than her.
(This can easily make her fear you are about to start a new friendship or relationship and drop her. In order for her not to face the humiliation that accompanies this fear, she may use anger and accusations to push you away.)
3. You express wanting to do something she doesn’t want to do.
(This can cause her to fear that you are entering into a power struggle with her which you are going to try to win. Her mistaken belief that you are trying to control her can make her push back twice as hard.)
There are many more types of behaviors that can trigger her distrust. You won’t be able to know in advance what they will be, but once you understand what raises her red flags, you will be able to identify the fear and apply the formula during any episode of distrust. Before giving you real-life examples of how to use the formula to reverse distrust, let’s take a quick look at why most other attempts to win trust fail.
Why Most Methods Don’t Work
Our first response to a false accusation will usually be to proclaim our innocence. Although this is the most healthy response we can give, its effect on a woman with traits of BPD will always be the opposite of what we intended. Even a gentle assurance that we would never do such a thing may be interpreted as a defensive maneuver on our part to avoid guilt.
The woman with traits of BPD is so acutely aware of the human tendency to be self-centered, our wish for others to do things our way, and our desire to control the behaviors of others that she will jump straight to this conclusion. She of all people knows how difficult it is to resist selfish urges and uncaring impulses and controlling behavior.
Therefore she will find it hard to believe that these motives are not behind our actions. Because we rarely talk about this aspect of human nature, she assumes that everyone has as hard a time as she does being trustworthy. When we act like her accusals are irrational, she will honestly believe we are trying to avoid blame. Each time we outright deny what to her feels is a rational conclusion, her suspicions will be confirmed. The accusation that may have just been a protective maneuver now turns into real fear which may cause her to put up even more defenses against us.
Reversing The Fear of Distrust
When you instead tell her that she is right to be suspicious, because even the most noble among us do occasionally slip up, and that you can see why what you did made her suspect you were going to reject or control her, she can relax. She will feel you are on the same page with her even though you will only be agreeing with her suspicion, not with her accusation.
It is important to remember that most women with traits of BPD do not actually believe you did the deed. They are simply feeling fear, and accusing you in order to protect themselves in advance in case you did it. Therefore the only action you need to take is to address their fear. Since our fears that those who we trust may have a slip are founded in reality, her fear will always be understandable.
Once she relaxes and feels like you are listening, she will be open to the possibility that you weren’t actually planning to reject or control her. When you then tell her your real motivation behind the behavior she can replace her fear with a more realistic interpretation which will allow her to regain her trust.
You are going to now learn how to look for behavior on your part that could, by a very fearful and insecure person, be misinterpreted as either rejecting or controlling. Let’s take a common example. Most of us interrupt others regularly in conversations. We aren’t being disrespectful. This is simply the way people talk in normal everyday life. If we know what the other person is saying before they finish, we tend to give our response early.
However, a woman with traits of BPD may take your interruption as a slight or a sign of disrespect. When you ask her why she is angry at you, she may tell you it’s because you interrupted her. You can explain to her as many times as you want that interrupting is normal in everyday conversations. But she will still be angry. In order to win her trust back, you need to identify her fear in this situation and talk about that instead. Let’s now identity this fear of the woman with traits of BPD when she is interrupted.
When you interrupt, it’s not the interrupting that is the problem. It is why you interrupted that is upsetting her. As long as you focus on interrupting, you will never win her trust back. You must instead identify why she thinks you interrupted. Because she has been hurt many times, she will always assume the worst. In this case she probably believes the reason you interrupted is because you didn’t care or because you wanted to send the message that your opinion is the only one that counts.
Applying The Formula
The way to win trust back from a woman who seems to get offended or upset when you interrupt her is to use this formula:
1. Acknowledge her fear that you might betray her in some way.
2. Tell her that she is correct to assume that anyone might betray her that way, even you.
3. Let her know that you didn’t mean for whatever you said or did to come out the way it did.
4. Tell her what you really meant by your behavior.
Here is how it may sound in real life:
1. “I just realized I interrupted you.”
2. “I can see how that must have come across like I didn’t care about what you were saying.”
3. “I didn’t mean to come across that way.”
4. “I actually interrupted because I liked what you said and wanted to let you know that I really get it.”
This is music to the ears of a woman with traits of BPD. She still might be very angry for the other hundred and however many times you didn’t give her this response, but if you address her real problem she will feel completely understood. If you respond this way on a regular basis, she will stop getting offended and will begin to trust you even if you don’t change your pattern of interrupting.
When our feelings are hurt, all we really want is for the person who hurt us to say they get exactly why that hurt, and that they are sorry they hurt us. When we are truly understood, the shame at being hurt by someone we respect or care about melts away along with any defense we may have put up to ward off those bad feelings. The woman with traits of BPD is like any other person. It is only because we don’t share her sensitivities that her pain seems irrational to us. Once you understand her real worries, you can give her the understanding she needs to begin to trust you.
When you tell her that you understand why she is suspicious of you betraying her trust, you accomplish several things. You tell her she is right without having to admit to doing anything wrong. You also take away her shame around the fears by telling her that everyone has those fears at times, even you. Finally, you establish a connection which allows her to hear your side and accept your real intentions which were not to reject or control her.
You will discover as you begin to use this formula that you do not have to walk on eggshells. Instead you can behave in a way that is comfortable for you. The only difference in your behavior will be that when you recognize something you did that offended her, you will backtrack and clear up her misinterpretation using these four steps.
Let’s now go through this same process with each of our examples we looked at earlier so you can see how this formula works in a few more real-life situations. As you recall, these are the three scenarios we addressed earlier that can easily lead a woman with traits of BPD to declare you untrustworthy:
1. She gets upset when you express that you don’t understand something she is trying to explain.
Women with traits of BPD continually fear that others won’t care about what they have to say. As soon as you realize you have offended her, you can let her know you understand how you might have come off. You can explain to her that you get why it could have seemed like you didn’t care about what she was saying. Then tell her you really do care.
2. You express you have had a nice time with someone other than her.
If she acts offended when you focus on someone other than her, tell her you totally get why she would be upset. You can tell her it makes sense that she would feel like you were acting like she was no longer important and this other person was more interesting than her. Tell her that it makes sense because people do often drop friends, or in the case of a relationship you can tell her that many people do get attracted to others and lose sight of their commitments. Then assure her that wasn’t happening and that she is very important to you.
3. You express wanting to do something she doesn’t want to do.
Women with traits of BPD are so sensitive to others controlling them that they can easily interpret a difference of opinion as a controlling behavior on your part. If you keep in mind how her suspicious mind works, you will be able to look past what may seem to be a slur on your character and realize she is simply very worried that you don’t care about her views.
So if you have a different idea or a different plan than her and you notice she gets offended, you can say you understand how you must have come off, that it may have seemed like you were going to try to get your way and like you didn’t care about her feelings about it. Then let her know her needs are just as important as yours.
By applying this simple formula when you notice a lack of trust, you will in a roundabout way be teaching her that her distrust of you is often due to fear. As she begins to make this connection for herself, she will drop the defenses and will establish the level of trust necessary for a healthy and productive relationship.
Related Posts:
Women With Traits of BPD – Why Can’t She Say I’m Sorry
Reversing Female Anger In Relationships – Techniques For Men
Female Anger In Relationships – Why Is She Always Mad At Me?
Women With Traits of BPD: Why Can’t She Trust Me?
If you would like to learn the Nicola Method so you can put an end to the high conflict situations you may be experiencing, click on this link to the welcome page of this website where you will find the resources you need.
If you want to try out some of the basic techniques of this method for free to see if this method is right for your situation, you can learn them from an intro guide flip-book here or a PDF version of the intro guide here.
Hi,
It seems like such hard work though. Surely we all deserve someone who we can be ourselves around? Altering our behaviour in order to placate someone with traits of BPD is a form of ‘walking on eggshells’. Much better to extricate oneself from this type of relationship and find someone who can just accept us for who we really are. Life is complicated enough as it is.
I would have to agree with your statements here. There are, however, situations where a partner of a woman with traits of BPD may want to stop the negative behaviors if there are children involved or if they are having a difficult time leaving the relationship. But you are correct that any form of altering our behavior is a form of walking on eggshells and unless there are unusual circumstances it is always best to leave the relationship.
That seems harsh. Almost like you are saying BPD’s aren’t worth loving. They are the way they are because no one loved them as children and now as adults it’s always recommended to leave them. Healthy people have no idea how painful it is to have BPD. They can just walk away from it. Telling people it’s always best to leave someone that feels pain from rejection on a much deeper level seems cruel. I don’t think it is best to leave someone you love. If you love someone with BPD you should not give up on that person unless they are completely impossible. BPD’s are capable of great love, loyalty, and devotion. They also deserve to be loved as much as anyone else.
I agree Julie. It’s very disappointing to read that someone counseling others with partners with BPD would say it’s always best to leave. I think each case is different. In some cases I imagine leaving is the only answer, but there are a number of ways to help a person with BPD. I don’t mean that the partner has to help them, but that they can get help from a therapist, try DBT and other behavior cognitive therapies. Learning to understand why the person you love acts a certain way is not walking on eggshells. Being sympathetic to their struggles is not walking on eggshells. These challenges come up with non BPD partners as well, just not to such an extreme. It seems ironic to want to take away the possibility of love from someone whose challenges in life stem from a lack of love in their childhood.
Some of you fail to realize that most are not diagnosed. These tips are basically telling you how to talk to a child. This is how you talk to children. Its because they have the emotional stability of a toddler. Its like when Johnny can’t get a toy in a store and you are trying to calm him down because he is throwing a tantrum. Little Johnny doesn’t realize that mommy or daddy doesn’t have the money to get the toy. Little johnny just sees he isn’t getting what he wants. Does this sound like a partnership? Not at all. Trying to keep watching what you say and walking on eggshells is not the way to live. Although we would want to love this person, at the end of the day its a crap shoot. You just never know what will set them off. Therapy and techniques help but look at the extremes. Its not worth it for me. I have been with one and you will always get your needs neglected.
Thank you, this is the truth. Hey and what if you did what was explained above, guess what happens next? I did to a part naturally a while ago, and it helped, for like a day or two. She’d then find something else, etc. Eventually, when she couldn’t find anything else to accuse me of, guess what? Yes, her fear of engulfment took over. You’re too close, You’re smothering me. You cannot win here, because they fear abandonment but they also fear engulfment. They only need a caretaker. That’s not love. There’s no real connection.
Thank you
Well said. It’s a no win soul destroying experience
Rebecca what has been your experience and from what side?
Joanna, are you saying that unless there are children involved, it is always better to walk away from a relationship with someone with BPD? Are you saying that fear of trusting someone is abusive and their partner should not try to use your techniques to assist unless there are the children? I read your reply to John Scott as such, he didn’t talk about abuse, he basically said that trying to work through relationship issues is a bother and by your reply, it sounds like you are saying people with BPD actually are unworthy of love and deserving of the abandonment and rejection they fear. How disappointing and discouraging, especially after reading such a hope inspiring article.
Tammy, thanks for your question. People with BPD are worthy of love. But it is always better to walk away from a relationship with someone who has BPD. This is not only for the person who walks away’s benefit, it is also for the benefit of the person suffering from the condition because romantic connection is the most triggering situation a person with BPD can be in. There are, however, situations where someone with BPD is in a long-term marriage with young children or situations where financial consequences keep a person from leaving the relationship. In this case my methods should be used to protect the partner from the damage from being in a relationship with someone who has BPD. My method has really been developed for people who have some traits of BPD but who don’t qualify for the diagnosis.
If the psychological damage from idealization and devaluation of someone who is deeply in love was not so severe, I would recommend this method to those in relationships with anyone with traits. Many times those with BPD confuse the protection necessary for those in love with people with BPD with a condemnation of their behavior. Those with traits of BPD may not be able to control their behavior, but those around them still need to be protected.
The best way I can explain this distinction is to imagine a disease that made certain people attack their romantic partner physically while sleeping. Let’s say sufferers of this condition didn’t even have memory of what they did afterwards. If these attacks resulted in broken bones, we would tell partners of these individuals to sleep separately and lock their bedroom door until the person received enough treatment to be safe to sleep with. There would be no stigma on the attackers, but we still would recommend all necessary steps be taken to protect the partner.
My gf has bpd nd she has read many articles related abt it but doesnt mean u tell em its better to leave the person u love. I love her alot nd idk y as a consultant u discourage ppl w bpd don’t they hv the right to chnge my gf has changed alot like she has gotten much better nd yes i liked ur article. It helps me alot but please do think abt other when u say stuff cuz there r many ppl w bpd who reads ur article nd comments don’t discourage them me nd my gf fights yes evry relationship has it so wat we move on she blames me i help her doesnt mean im not in the wrong so ppl with bpd do have the write to LOVE and To Be LOVED.
Hi Joanna, great info….I feel incredibly bad after reading this as I tried to help my ex who had a diagnosed anxiety disorder and bpd traits and then had these episodes of blame and silent treatment and ultimately apparent betrayal. I reacted very negatively and in addition spoke to her mom and a good friend of hers about all these issues and other bad things she shared with me to get her help. She continues to do the same things over and over further causing her physical and emotional issues. I would like to reengage (I care greatly for her) and wonder if I have any shot using these techniques when she seems like she will never open up. Thanks.
Mike, it really is sad that there isn’t more education on how simple techniques can reverse these devastating behavior patterns. It’s a shame that dialectical behavioral therapy for borderline personality disorder isn’t available yet for anyone who struggles with anger towards their loved ones.
I do recommend that you use my techniques for emotional regulation for any situation where anyone is entering into conflict with you. These are basic emotional self-defense techniques that can be used any time. I also recommend these techniques be used if you are co-parenting with a woman with traits of BPD to help with parental alienation. But I’m sorry to say that in order to help her actually overcome fear of betrayal by using the second set of techniques which you can find in my workbook, you would need to be in a very close relationship, a best friend, a romantic partner, parents or a sibling. And it’s important for your own health that you do not allow yourself to be drawn back into that kind of relationship with her.
What I can suggest is that you let her close friends and family know that there is a method they can use to help her overcome this problem even if she is unwilling to seek help. You could take a look at the last sections of my workbook where it explains the step by step method to help a dysregulated individual overcome fear of betrayal so you can explain a little bit about how it works to them. You might even want to make it easy for them to try out the method by putting together a script with the suggested language based on your experience with her that targets her specific fears that you can pass on to her family.
Hi Joanna, great info. What if by all the manipulation and push/pull you end up validating her fears by being frustrated and tired and going off in her by text since she cannot discuss things in person or have normal closure. I still care after some time and want to see her stop hurting herself. This is a middle aged graduate level social worker who believed her mom was bpd and can’t se it in herself. I let my ego get the best of me and feel really bad and miss her. Any suggestions as to how to help?
Charles, technically speaking, these techniques can only work when the woman with traits of BPD is in some way connected to you. Either she has to be in communication with you because you have children together or you are a family member or she is still in a phase where she cares about you. It is important to remember that when you are treating the woman with traits of BPD extremely well, she believes you are about to betray her any minute. But when you actually do something to betray her trust, her perspective of you decreases even further, sometimes exponentially further into a negative light. You really can’t help her at that point.
Generally when a woman has these traits but is able to function fairly well and is not suffering in her everyday life, she will find no reason to reach out for help. Her ability to transfer her pain onto others gives her all the relief from her sensitivity that she needs. Transferring pain to others is a defense mechanism and a psychologically addictive one as well. This means in order for her to obtain the relief from feelings she does not want to admit to she must use denial.
The techniques I teach give you tools to get past the denial. They work whether she is positively or negatively connected to you, but they cannot work without her willingness to connect with you.
Thanks Joanna, I realize that was probably the case as she hurts herself over and over again. I cared and thought I found someone to share life with in the aftermath of the dissolution of my 25 year marriage. She has to find help or be helped by someone close to her.
The male Borderline I have been romantically involved with betrayed MY trust. We were in an open relationship and have been on and off for years. Things were going exceptionally well. We had not had any conflict for at least six months, mostly because I was very careful with my words. I had his back, I supported him whenever he asked for it, and backed away, also when he asked for it.
This year, he dumped me. First he reminded me that we were in an uncommitted relationship, but oh yes, it wasn’t a relationship since we weren’t committed. Then, that he admits that it felt like one, even to him, but it isn’t, because he said that is not what he wanted, when we started reengaging after a lengthy breakup. (Basically words and actions are constantly in conflict and one doesn’t know what is true… everything is constantly ambiguous.)
Anyway, we had this talk and he said everything was the way it had always been and that he cared deeply for me and didn’t want to lose our closeness. He followed through with that statement by ignoring all my attempts to communicate with me and he took up with another woman.
I take issue with 1) the silent treatment 2) the lack of transparency of what was really going on. It wasn’t that he was unahppy with our non-relationship relationship; it was simply a way to skip out of accountability for what he was about to do next.
Now with his track record, this is likely to end sooner or later. But from my vantage point, it looks like he has found his dream woman.
Anyway, getting ot my point. About betrayal. What is the magic sentence to begin this conversation. Im not even sure how I would get to the point of saying a magic sentence.
“When you stopped communicating with me completely, it seemed like you thought I did something
wrong.”
In the past, I let him get away with the Silent Treatment. This time, I just stopped trying to reach out. I figured he would reach out to me when he was ready, since past attempts to reach out were only met with rejection. Of course, I never thought it would last this long. It’s been several months. I was suprised it lasted over two weeks because there was no quarrel.
Really, he betrayed me. Emotionally, sexually. My trust is shattered.
People with BPD do tend to project their worst fears on others. Betrayal is often the worst thing they can imagine happening to them, so they often betray in order to try to control it from happening to them. It’s very painful, but it’s best to try to understand that people with this disorder have an entirely different moral code when it comes to relationships than the average person. Untreated, although they are capable of great love, they are rarely able to take on the responsibility of loving someone. For them it is simply an emotional experience. Closure requires a big-picture look at the relationship which is a very far reach for a person with BPD.
But as far as using this technique, you got it exactly right. “When you stopped communicating with me completely, it seemed like you thought I did something
wrong,” allows you to speak about the negative behavior of an individual with BPD without any blame. The sentence you created is neutral and would allow you to pass through the defenses of an individual with BPD. This would be a wonderful use of language when talking to a friend or family member who has BPD. Unfortunately you do need to have some kind of existing relationship for the method to work.
I am an introverted/internalizing, high functioning borderline female and the comments in this section are not only disappointing, they are annoying. I’m frustrated by people who say “you should just leave them” or “there’s no point of walking on eggshells, when you can just walk away.” As if BPD individuals aren’t deserving of love and friendships just because we have deep emotional issues. Most BPD individuals are well aware they have problems but trying to fix them requires a safety network of family, (a)friend(s), spouse and therapist. It’s IMPOSSIBLE to cure yourself in isolation –I’ve tried. But if everyone has the attitude of some commenters, we’ll never get better and have healthy lives. If our social net decides “it’s just better to leave her, I’m not dealing with this” then she’ll never manage her BPD, It’ll cause her to spiral –again, trust me, I know. If you care about her, then stay –children with her or not. And if you DIDN’T care about her, I’m sure you wouldn’t spend time scouring the internet for BPD articles to understand her better.
Kay, it’s very important to understand that the reason people leave relationship partners who have traits of BPD has nothing to do with them having the disorder. It has to do with them experiencing psychologically or physically abusive treatment within their relationship. BPD is not actually the cause of abusive behavior in these relationships. The abusive behavior is a universal defense mechanism that kicks in to protect people from uncomfortable feelings. People with BPD are more sensitive to uncomfortable feelings than the average person. Therefore they are more susceptible to using these behaviors to cope with their feelings.
But because abusive behavior within a domestic environment can cause great psychological harm, it is always in the best interest of the person being abused to remove themselves from the environment regardless of the reason they are being abused. There are certainly exceptions, and I offer my techniques as an option for a partner who wants to stay, but generally speaking, our society does not condone abuse, therefore the psychological wellbeing of a victim of abuse will always come first, regardless of the reason the abuser is using these defensive tactics.
This information is so helpful to me. I have a friendship with my daughter’s friends parent at school but she is absolutely displaying these BPD traits. I did not respond in the way she would have liked to a situation between the girls, silent treatment, I called to resolve she yelled at me and then followed up with an email of the long list of issues she has with me and then my husband. My husband is truly not capable of any alterior motives so it occurred to me paranoia had set in. I have apologized for any misunderstandings that may have occurred. Emphasized that the important thing is that her daughter feels safe in her friendship group at school. Also said that in the future she can’t yell at me to resolve these issues its not appropriate. We have not heard back re apology she has started to slowly re engage. Until I read your information I was waiting for her apology. Not going to get it. How should I move forward with her I am scared of the next time? I am 1.5yrs post cancer treatment still recovering from that stress. We have a planned holiday with them in a few months we can still cancel should we? Is my daughter safe to continue a friendship with this woman’s child? What do I need to be aware of in terms of future play dates etc.
Catherine, we can’t know whether this individual has BPD, but she does seem to have some of the traits. You gave your friend every opportunity to apologize, and she hasn’t. Instead she is challenging your boundaries by pretending nothing happened. She has given you the clear message that this is the kind of behavior she thinks you should accept. This is a setup for more of the same in the future.
Sometimes a good way to figure out how to handle these situations is to imagine what your family and closest friends would want for you. I imagine this is not the type of person they would want you letting into your life, particularly when you are still in recovery. The same would apply for whether they would want your child spending time with someone who according to the list she gave you sounds like she might not be mentally stable. There is nothing wrong with cancelling plans, and you don’t owe her any explanation. If she pushes, you can just tell her you’re uncomfortable with the situation. Certainly if you have any reservations about your child’s safety you should err on the side of caution or consult a professional.
Thank you great advice. Me being me I would often offer a second chance? In case she is just a passionate woman who stewed on this stuff too long and then just released on me. I guess most who could be self aware enough to recognize this would attempt apology. Second chance Is that a bad idea?
Thanks again for this advice your site is so informative and easy to understand.
Catherine, by your comment I am going to guess that you are a nice girl type. This personality type is a magnet for women with traits of BPD. If you are this type you have naturally strong relationship skills that make it easy for you to treat others well. Those who cannot control their behavior are only too happy to take advantage of your trusting nature. Unfortunately confrontation does not come naturally to nice girl/nice guy types, and people with traits of BPD will use your avoidance of conflict to continue to take advantage of you. You may be interested in my blog posts about the nice guy/BPD dynamic since it applies equally to nice girl types.
Catherine, My girlfriend has bpd traits and a fear of abandonment. I try to be very sensitive when she gets upset with me. She has this constant fear that I am going to leave her for someone else. I have no desire or intention of leaving her for anyone. She is very open and admits that she doesn’t completely trust me and that she is not sure if she can. She sees that as simply setting herself up for heartache later. I am willing to work to build trust with her, and take as much time as possible. I see that my simply telling her that I am not going to leave her is not the correct course of action. This lack of trust is the root of most of our issues. My question is what do I need to do? How can i build trust with this woman I love.
Frank, I assume you were asking me this question. When we enter romantic relationships we must take two equally important aspects into account. One is how we feel about this person and if they are compatible with us. The second equally important aspect of choosing a romantic partner is whether they have the skill level to maintain a relationship. Most women with traits of BPD do not have the skills necessary to be in a relationship although they desperately want to be in one. No matter how great you might feel this person is, if she is not capable of trusting you then she is not equipped to be in a relationship. Sadly this is a deal-breaker in the case of most women with traits of BPD. The pain they feel on betrayal is exponentially more than the average person. If she goes into therapy for this problem she may very well be able to work through it.
When you responded to “Someone in Love” you wrote “Untreated, although they are capable of great love, they are rarely able to take on the responsibility of loving someone.” Could you please elaborate on what you mean by this. Thank you.
Ann, what I was referring to was what we might call the negative aspect of love. Love can make us jealous and angry. It can make us place lofty expectations on others. Knowing how to handle those potentially destructive elements of love becomes a responsibility in a relationship. Because we are all very vulnerable when we form partnerships, we must have the necessary skills to manage these challenges or the negative aspects of our love will become damaging. Individuals who are on the spectrum of BPD usually have a very poor aptitude for learning these skills in childhood and learning them as an adult can be very difficult. Until these skills which are now taught in dialectical behavioral therapy or DBT become available on a mainstream level to anyone who has difficulty regulating their emotions, the chances that an individual with low aptitude will learn the skills on their own is very low.
This has been the most helpful article I have come across. It has done far more than any of the other research (50+ hours) I have done on BPD to help me understand what is happening inside her head. I have chosen to stay in my relationship with a BDP woman because of the contrast to my own personality. I am ruthlessly logical to the point of being mechanical. Spending time with her allows me to experience emotional exhilaration that I haven’t felt since high school. The degree to which she feels thing seems magical to me. Even though there are a lot of rough times in dealing with her, the experiences I gain from the relationship outweigh the speed bumps. Thanks to your article, I will be much more effective at giving her what she needs to feel happy and safe. Thank you for sharing.
Gabe, I’m glad to hear that these articles have been helpful. You may be one of the few men who can be with a woman with traits of BPD without becoming psychologically damaged. There are men who are so far over on the cold side of the emotion spectrum that they do not get burned from the heat of a woman with traits of BPD who is on the very hot side. You may want to take a look at the last half of my workbook on my website which will show you how to give your partner the missing intellectual component she needs to regulate her emotions. Interestingly, once you understand what is really behind her upset and can supply her with the words that describe her emotions not only will her emotions calm down but she will feel as though you are emotionally connected to her without you having to change your style or your emotional connection in any way. Apparently, even if we label it as emotional connection, in the end we all just want to be understood.
Please can you help me?
I have BPD and my partner hurt me so much, he did something he said he wouldn’t do again. And since that point I haven’t been able to leave him on his own in the house without me having bad thoughts about his intentions. Every day and through my sleep the voices in my head will wake me up telling me he will hurt me again, going over the past scenarios over and over.
I’ve tried to ignore the voices but they will not go away and it’s ruined our relationship. He knows about the voices too which makes it harder. We’re expecting a baby and I don’t want her to have to come into this relationship of mistrust.
Yasmin, it is very important both for the sake of your baby and for your partner that you seek out professional help for your BPD if you haven’t already. DBT therapy is designed to work with exactly the kind of problem you are facing. If you cannot get into a program or find a DBT therapist you can order a DBT workbook on line which you can ask your partner to go through with you.
In the meantime you may want to try out a technique that I have developed for partners of women who have light traits of BPD but do not qualify for diagnosis. There is a chance it could help you until you get the professional guidance you need to learn how to handle this situation.
The belief that your partner will hurt you has two parts or phases to it. The first phase is the fear that he will hurt you. The second phase is the belief he will hurt you. When the fear escalates to a certain level, it turns into a belief. Believing our fear is real is a neurological phenomenon that all human beings experience at times, but in your case it can happen very frequently and the transition from fear to belief can be very short.
In DBT therapy you will learn how to identify and then soothe your fear before it transitions into a belief. But the skill of recognizing your fear and then learning to soothe it before it turns into a belief takes a long time to develop. But it is possible, if your partner is willing to help you, to start learning how to self-soothe without you having to formally learn the skill.
If your partner is willing to help, he can supply you with the assurance if you catch it while it is still in the fear phase. But his role will not be to fix or heal your fears. It will only be to facilitate and guide the process of you identifying your fears and then receiving assurances until you can take over and do it for yourself. Let’s take a look at how this technique works.
Because the fear of being hurt is psychological, in other words a trick your mind is playing on you. It is actually the belief that you cannot get assurance for your fears that causes you to panic, not the belief that your partner will hurt you. Your partner can reverse this belief by teaching your subconscious mind that you can get assurance from fear any time you need it. To do this he doesn’t need to convince you he won’t hurt you. He just needs to get your mind to challenge its belief that you can’t get assurance for your fears.
If he is willing to try this technique out, you would first need to let him know that you will be coming to him for assurance as soon as you start to feel worried, but he doesn’t have to do anything to actually calm your fear. All he will be doing is asking you what he can say that will assure you, and if it feels true for him, he can use the words you suggest.
Make sure he knows that your fear is psychological, similar to a phobia, and there is nothing he can actually do to fix it. There will be times when you have words for him to use and times when you don’t. Sometimes what he says will help and sometimes, even though it was your suggestion, it won’t. What’s important is that you identified the fear and that he was willing to soothe you.
You can also remind him that although he will be supplying the assurances in the beginning, eventually you will be able to take over his role using similar language to assure yourself when you find yourself worrying. Let him know that even though at first you may have to go to him for assurance a ridiculous amount of times throughout the day, this need will begin to reduce once the subconscious mind learns it can get its needs met at any time. At that point you will find that you can soothe your everyday fears by yourself and will only need to rely on your partner to help you with the bigger or more complex fears.
Make sure to let your partner know if he isn’t available that he can let you know at the next good opportunity when he will be. You may find that by the time he is ready, your fear has receded. If you are consistent this technique can help you create a new pathway that will allow you to cope with fear in a more healthy and productive way.
I really appreciated this article, because it helped me understand my sister more than I ever have before. But I hope I have not understood her too late, and that’s what I’d like to ask you about. Several years ago, before I knew that she has BPD tendencies nor how to approach her when she went off on hateful, distrusting tirades against others, I lost my cool at her. I got really mad and called her an “alcoholic” (which was and perhaps still is true, but a horrible thing to say in that conversation). After that fight she cut me off, and it’s been years of her silence now. I’ve apologized many times in messages and emails, but she wants nothing to do with me. Is there any way to reconnect? If I had understood these tactics earlier, I might have prevented this end to our relationship.
Kirsten, there is really nothing you can do to get an individual with traits of BPD to reconnect with you once you are discarded. In this situation the best plan of action is to approach the problem as others who have relatives who have addiction issues have learned to, through twelve-step programs for the partners, friends and family members of addicts or with a therapist who works in this area. Her negative behaviors are no different than the average addict, although the cause for her use of addictive coping skills are unique.
It’s also important to remember that if she is sensitive enough to have permanently discarded you after only one negative response, there is no way you could possibly have kept that from happening at some point down the road. The very sad part about this is that although discarding is not a big deal to an individual with these traits, the pain it causes for those who are discarded can last a lifetime.
wow what post and comments can you post something about this and also on having a girlfriend like that because in a real romantic relationship we should completely accept the other person and work for US for being together if someones partner has an accident he or she should not be abandoned so same here
I believe you are trying to state that because a person doesn’t abuse their partner with malicious intent that domestic abuse should be tolerated. Emotional abuse in a domestic context is damaging to a partner no matter what is causing the person to abuse. Our focus must always be on protecting the abused not the abuser. People with this problem now have access to treatment that with focus and commitment can teach them to respect their partner. If the relationship is strong enough to sustain a break while help is sought the couple can then resume.
My sister has traits of BPD. When I read the part about how to win her trust,I felt like saying “why would I want to do that? She has squandered any trust that I have had for her by treating me terribly repeatedly”. Her emotional state is very unstable, I never know what will set her off. I do not wish to speak to her. She turns everything into her being the victim. My trust for her is completely ruined and now her husband and children feel the same. So, yeah, how do you win the trust of another, when you do not trust them one bit emotionally? the better question is: Why would someone be motivated to win her trust in the first place? What about her earning the trust of those who are around her who have attempted to love her for years, but consistently receive pain in return. Isn’t BPD a learned behavior? Is narcissism also a learned behavior?I do not see anyone saying “how to win the narcissists trust back”, especially when such a narcissist has potentially cheated and emotionally abused a woman. They need to get therapy and unlearn their behaviors. Losing someone’s trust is losing someone’s trust, whether it be with someone who has traits of BPD or traits of narcissism. This article all sounds idealistic and unrealistic. No thanks. I will continue to keep my distance from the person with traits of BPD.
You make many good points, and there is a very fine line between enabling people with a personality disorder and using techniques that stop the behavior. BPD associated behaviors can be life ruinous for those around them. My personal belief is that if someone with traits of BPD is behaving in an abusive way, the person who is being abused should either leave that relationship or should learn techniques that stop the abuse. In my blog I try to offer support for both options.
You are correct that people are not encouraged to try to change the behavior patterns of a narcissist. This is because although both personality disorders involve defense mechanisms, those with narcissism have defenses that are generally too strong to break down. Whereas those with BPD can completely recover and stop hurting others through behavior modification. But you are absolutely right. using techniques to stop their behavior is not and should not be an obligation of any person being negatively affected by them.
Many thanks again for your excellent articles. I understand that you are not able to answer any more questions on this forum. I am the mum of a nice guy. There is a baby involved and my son’s partner will not speak to me and. I rarely see the baby, although have not been prevented from doing so. I do need to try to engage with the young lady but have been worried about saying the wrong thing and making things worse. The situation is very complex and I have done many things that have made me a big threat and not to be trusted. I thought. I was helping my son and trying to protect the baby. We thought that the young lady may seek professional help. It is all a mess but your clarity and sound advice have helped me to a deeper understanding.
I just could not get my head round the total irrationality, accusations and vitriol but now I begin to see it through her eyes it is a huge help.
Janice, I’m glad my blog has been helpful to you. You are more than welcome to email me with the specifics of your concerns and I would be happy to give you my thoughts and a few recommendations.
Wow- this post was spot on. I will start working on these techniques immediately. I have two kids from a previous marriage and my wife’s insecurity comes from her fear of me loving the kids more than her. Me choosing them over her. It is difficult to say the least. I have been searching and searching for ways to communicate that she has nothing to worry about and the love I have for my kids is totally different from the love I have with her.
Thank you so much for your positive outlook in dealing with a high conflict person. Most website are very hopeless in nature.
Dave, I’m glad my blog was helpful. You might take a look at my free workbook that can be downloaded from my website for a more in depth look and additional techniques that could be useful. Feel free to e-mail me with questions or concerns about the techniques.
Yet another article throwing insults at people with BPD. It’s not fun, they don’t choose to be this way. They want help to but can rarely get it because of arrticles like this throwing her stones and judgments around .
It seems like you’re saying that Joanna is insulting people with BPD by helping their partners to understand their needs and care for them.
Nice article
Good article.. I believe the last women I dated had BPD. We met on tinder and had an instant connection. We were only togeather for 6 weeks.. The relationship started with so many hopes and dreams. She constantly told me how great I was and how she has been mistreated in the past by boyfriends and was so happy she had found someone like me after 4 years. She told me her last boyfriend that was 4 years ago cheated on her and got another girl pregnant. So she had a dodgy past with boyfriends. The first night we slept togeather she told me all of her secrets. She was constantly talking to her mum on snapchat about me went on and on about meeting her family. She was excited about them meeting me. We were even meant to be going Rome togeather and her mum booked me on a camping trip we were all supposed be going on.
I began to notice weird behaviour as the weeks went by, she thought I liked her friend who was living in the flat with her and she thought I liked my friends girlfriend which was crazy. She seemed to be up tight all the time. In the end I didn’t know how to handle her and it ended quite badly. As described in the article I ended up feeling like I was walking on egg shells and stopped being myself around her like I was at the start and I think she took that as me not liking her.
I think a big turning point was the fact her dad came to visit her and she wanted me to meet him. The truth was I was busy that day and generally couldn’t. She got very upset and thought I couldn’t be bothered when that was not the truth. Her dad was very protective about her because of her past boyfriends.
The day before we split it was my Birthday and she brought me tons of gifts, clothes etc. She even baked me a cake. We went out for a meal and the atmosphere was not great as I had a really stressful day at work and she was complaining about period pains all night. To be honest her mood swings dragged me down but when we got back to my house after the meal she wanted to go back to the flat. She said that we were both in a bad mood and our own beds would be better that night. She then said she had seen a change in me and my mood’s were rubbing off on her!? She told me to come and see her the next day.
I just thought ok well tomorrow is a new day so we’ll have a good day tomorrow.
Anyway the next day I went to her flat to take her to the cinema. She was all happy and upbeat on the phone but when I arrived she was in a foul mood again. I brought lunch for her and also brought her a new portable phone charger. Because she was very moody and hard to be around I snapped and said I’m done and walked out the flat. I feel I may have overreacted a bit but maybe not.
We didn’t speak for 2 days so I reached out and she completely shut me down saying there was nothing to talk about. I was shocked considering a few days before she was buying me birthday gifts etc??? Despite her mood’s and the way she flipped out I still cared about her alot so I left it another 2 days and went to her workplace (she’s a teacher) with flowers. She completely shut me down again in front of her work colleagues without a care in the world. I felt worthless after.
It’s now been nearly 4 months since we split and am still hurt by it. I will never understand how someone can say all of those things to someone and then completely cut them out of their life like they never existed. I tried to reach out but got totally ignored. She litrally went from loving me to despising me overnight, I really don’t think she thought I cared but I really did.. It hurt alot.
The last time I saw her was a month ago because I gave her t shirt back she had left at mine. She didn’t even give me any eye contact or even want to have a friendly conversation. I then pleaded to have a chat with her and she blamed the breakup on me and said she’s over it and shut the door in my face. I then lost my temper and called her out on her behaviour thorough text. She said do you still care this much? She has now blocked me on all social media so I have to completely move on.
I’m not going to lie I still miss her and wish I could get across to her that I genuinely wanted to be with her and was scared myself. But there is litrally nothing I can do.
To anyone that reads this be very very careful opening your heart up to someone with signs of BPD. Once they paint you black you’re done and you will end up getting very hurt.
Ben, thanks for your story and the important advice about not giving your heart to someone who is not capable of sustaining a relationship.
This girl I had an intense emotional relationship with and who I believe is high-functioning BPD cut me off completely after a misunderstanding. We used o know each other in person but it was long distance, and I had plans to see her three weeks after this happened. She very clearly attempted to make me jealous across social media with this new guy I saw pop up in the picture (not even hours after). After a week of asking why and in emotional torment of getting the silent treatment, I finally sent her a message that outlined–we cannot be together like this (even though we were not officially dating) and it’s probably better to remain friends, and that she had issues to figure out, and that my phone line would be open but I’m blocking her on social media to avoid being hurt by seeing her around this new man.
A few days later, I gave her concrete proof that what she accused me of doing was not happening, ended up apologizing for my actions and doing things that caused her to worry. I told her that I 110% wanted her and only her. She was being outright cold to me but I told her that the guy she was choosing over me was the sleazy and emotionally unavailable type, that he would UNDENIABLY leave her. This she did not deny. Something clicked and she started giving more lengthy, emotionally fueled responses about everything she thought I did to her, and she took those comments personally (all of this was before I knew what BPD was.) In the argument, her moods would change in between texts, it was very strange. From reminiscing to attacking. We reconciled for a bit.
The friend who I asked to message her, the woman in question, substantiated proof that nothing between me and her was going on. This same friend forwarded to me screenshots that expressed the BPD woman in question was still angry and thought I was disloyal. That she didn’t feel the same. I confronted her about this and we had an argument on the phone. We both agreed this relationship was damaged. “I don’t care who you hang out with so you shouldn’t care.” I said I wanted to put in effort to make it work despite this. She was with family whom she had not seen in a long time, old family members she fell out with. I left her alone for the time being because she asked and I wanted to not ruin the time she had with them with arguments. The next morning, I greeted her and told her good morning. She replied back to me but after stalking I saw that she was prioritizing this new prospect over me. I couldn’t bare that and blocked her on everything, only to unblock her later.
After this interaction, there was a picture here, a picture there that she would send in order to make me laugh. I was clearly still on her mind. I told her that I can’t abandon her, and that I KNOW my love felt like a trap. She sent a funny picture in response.
She already followed through with the self-destructive behavior of cheating openly, and she struggles with alcohol. I have detached myself as a romantic partner at this point in order to have the courage to follow through with this endless chasing in order for her to see what is wrong in hopes that she gets help. I don’t love her romantically anymore. I cannot, not as she is. It hurts far too much. But I love her as a person and would like to see her better. She had a picture on her social media that describes psychopathy, and the idealization, devaluation, and discarding tactic they used. I remember her posting this and asked who that was about. She said “maybe it’s about me.” I didn’t understand what this meant at that point. But yesterday, I commented under that picture “BPD.” She deleted the picture almost immediately. There were concerning hashtags underneath. “#patterns #h………:::::::;;;;;;elp”. She is very clearly conscious of this. And I believe I have done enough to be blocked by her, but she hasn’t yet.
I’m in an endless pattern of sending her things I know she will enjoy or laugh at, being left on read, and recieving breadcrumbs in return. I texted her a lenghty message last night and it followed your basic guidelines. I also added the fact that she would express that she didn’t want a relationship with me because she didn’t want to ruin what we had, and that she suffered from major mood swings both up and down from time to time. I didn’t understand what she meant until now. I am just being as empathetic as can be. I don’t see the end of the tunnel. I’m asking what the best course of action is, I don’t know whether to keep pushing or let it go. A lot of mixed signals. But I’m willing to do whatever it takes because I know she understands something is wrong.
KT, I don’t think that anyone who truly cares about you would want you to be involved with someone this unhealthy. It’s very important to choose a partner who has shown themselves to be capable of sustaining a loving relationship. If you find yourself unable to detach from this person it might be wise to seek the help of a counselor who could support you in this process.
Its really sad that you think people with BPD should be alone. Its not that we dont want to love someone, rather we dont know how… i have been very active in trying to deal with my illness by doing tons of mental health courses (dbt included), meetings with the different doctors, being open about my BPD and trying to support and help everyone around me. I try so hard to be a support for others and make a positive impact on peoples lives, but i do still struggle some days. So are you saying im not worth it to be loved just because of my BPD even though i try so hard to be a good person? I was so excited and resonated with so many parts of this, until i read your comments. Now im confused because it sounds like you think we should just be left alone and be lonely forever. Should i just tell my boyfriend to leave now? Hes the first person i opened up to in almost 6 years, and things arent perfect but we work through things together. My children look up to him as a father figure, but if im going to destroy this relationship like you say should i not just end it now? I love him but i dont want to hurt him, i came here for support but feel as though you find no value in people with BPD once scrolling through the comments.
I only give the advice that most in the therapeutic community would give. Irrespective of the fact that people have a diagnosis of BPD, the reason that partners should leave these relationships is because they are being psychologically damaged as a result of that relationship.
The romantic relationship affects of the most sensitive areas of our psyche. Unfortunately the behavior pattern associated with this disorder causes one partner to damage the other in this area. Although the person with traits of BPD does not mean to inflict it, the damage is severe. And it is not recommended that anyone stay in a relationship where they are being severely damaged, irrespective of how much that partner needs love.
However, because of the situation you describe where a couple has been in a committed relationship and has young children, I do offer a workbook with techniques that allow a partner of someone with traits of BPD to regulate their partners’ emotional state. This is not a great solution as it takes at least a year of working with a partner before they can take over and begin to regulate their own emotions. During this time the partner does not get their emotional needs met, although the damage done to them will be minimized greatly.
If you are interested in this method, you can download my free workbook on my website.
Interesting ideas, and I hope they will be helpful in dealing with someone who I liked to think of as a friend. But not everybody, or situation, is the same. Obviously.
E.g. people can be bpd and avoidant. in this case, when asked her why she is angry, she says she is not angry; we are OK. But then later, don’t contact her. [my theory being that we got too close.]
Joana Nicola.
I refuse to change who I am as a person, how I conduct myself every day as my own natural self, in na effort to accommodate the mental illness of someone that was caused by childhood trauma that I did not cause.
I refuse to alter my natural self to attempt to medicate a person who has little if an hope of changing their behavior.
I refuse to live my life in fear of retaliation for an innocent act and defend myself against constant accusations of wrongdoing when my intentions were nothing less than honorable, honest, sensitive and caring.
I refuse to let another person’s mental illness that I did not cause so dramatically change who I am naturally.
I refuse to live a life where I must be constantly on guard about what I say, what I do, what I don’t do, what I must do, what I must not do.
This is not how a healthy relationship works. This is not the definition of love, caring, partnership, support during difficult times, and a mutual desire to enjoy the beauty of life and each other.
This is bullshit. BPD women are empty soulless people who don’t love themselves and can’t even love a dog or a child. They are cruel, selfish losers who feed off of people that want to care about them and bring them into their life. They’re worthless, they feed off of others and have no reason to exist. They are broken. A fix it case that cannot be fixed.
That’s the cold hard truth, and it would be beneficial to people if you would tell it like it is. rather than to instruct people on how they must change who they are and live in constant fear in order to have a relationship with these deeply sick and destructive people.
Tell the truth.
M. Corle,
Insulting women with BPD calling them cruel, worthless, selfish losers with no reason to exist is worse than the accusations you toss.
Everyone deserves to exist, everyone deserves a chance, everyone has their inner demons to deal with. Some people are correctly nurtured as children and set up to handle their demons better than others. Hating someone because they struggle is wrong, period. You can hate the action but never direct it at the person.
Think about what you said for a minute.
Not everyone with BPD is the same, they are people with a condition not a plague on humanity. Many factors can put them in this nightmare of a condition. Imagine growing up, you never felt assured or unconditionally loved…whether it was simply perceived or actual is irrelevant the end result feels the same and because of this they have no stable sense of who they are, they feel worthless, unlovable, and completely miserable when left alone in their thoughts where its a mixture of fear, discomfort, and pain…that’s all they know, and their idealization phases are temporary escapes.
Yes they do horribly abusive things to others when acting out and they can’t deal with the guilt for doing it so their brain automatically creates defensive mechanisms around this.
Look at this scenario, two people fall into deep water together…both love each other, one can’t swim and has phobia of drowning and the other can barely swim. Now even though they both love each other, the one with fear that can’t swim will by instinct latch onto the other and possibly drown them trying to stay above the surface…they didn’t stop loving the person, they simply overwhelmed with fear and from instinct act impulsively. That fear of drowning is comparable to the overwhelming emotions an untreated BPD faces with little awareness and understanding.
I currently have been split and replaced by someone with BPD however I do not take it personally. Her hateful words, her lack of empathy that she shows towards me, all of it is painful at times, but the pain I feel from that is nothing compared to the pain she has felt her whole life. Because of this I’m not going to abandon which would only verify her fear was a reality all along.
This article has opened my eyes on communication techniques, she is defensive and hateful because she believes I still show her care and concern because my ulterior motive is “self centered” in her mind I’m trying to get her leave someone who makes her happy for someone who makes her feel miserable for my own selfish happiness…by showing her I am aware of this in her mind and it’s reasonable to think that considering it’s common…maybe I can get her to trust me again so I can help her understand her somewhat limited self awareness of her issues and maybe help her as much as possible.