Women With Traits of BPD: Why She Can’t Say I’m Sorry
When She Won’t Admit She’s Wrong
If you have ever spent time with a woman who has traits associated with BPD, or a woman who engages in behavior usually associated with borderline personality disorder, you probably know firsthand that getting an apology out of her is next to impossible.
This inability to admit that anything she has done might be wrong is often the death knell for her relationships with others.
After all, being able to apologize to those we are closely connected to is a crucial relationship skill. Without it we find ourselves unable to make amends for our bad moods, misinterpretations, our defenses or our frustrations.
In this blog post we are going to take a look at what is really behind this painful behavior pattern in women with traits of BPD. Once you understand the true motivation behind her withholding of an apology you will understand why the many attempts you may have made to get this woman to apologize were guaranteed to fail.
But before we talk about why the woman with traits of BPD cannot seem to apologize for wrongdoing, let’s first address some background information that can be helpful in understanding what is driving her behavior. In order for us to truly understand her motives we must first look at why her inability to apologize is so incredibly hurtful to us.
Why It Hurts So Much
Many of us may think we know the reason that those who cause us pain or harm should apologize. But few of us really understand what is behind this commonly-used formality. When we take a very close look at our need for others to apologize to us, we soon realize that most of the time we already know that the person we want an apology from cares about us.
So if we know they didn’t try to harm us in some way on purpose, but it was more a lapse in judgment or an emotional outburst, why do we need this form of emotional band-aid to make us feel better? The answer to the question of why we need the formality of an apology lies in an all too human character trait that most of us share but few of us are aware of.
The truth is, we are all very, very socially insecure even if we have strong self confidence. Human beings seem to have a natural fear of rejection from others that doesn’t match up with our belief in our worthiness. In other words, even people who have sound self esteem will care too much about what their peers may think about them. This fear of being isolated from the pack may have helped us a great deal in days of old, but it becomes problematic in our present-day society, sometimes causing us to behave in very unhealthy ways.
One unusual aspect of what we could label our natural insecurity is that because we all are equally concerned about the potential rejection by others, we don’t recognize this trait in ourselves. Because we all share it, it feels so normal that it becomes in a sense invisible. But if we look very carefully at our behavior, we will find that as a society we have come up with many formalities which when practiced in our everyday lives keep our natural insecurities at bay.
Apologies are one of these formalities we engage in that are perfectly designed to calm our fears about others rejecting or having negative motives towards us. When we take a moment to reflect on our own behavior we find that there are many times in our daily life when we feel obligated to use the formality of an apology. And we use them even when we know we have done nothing wrong.
For example, let’s take the kind of apology we give when we invade someone’s personal space. We don’t need to be taught that when others get too physically close to us we feel threatened. This is what we might call a built-in fear. This feeling of being threatened is another aspect of our natural insecurity. After all, we no longer live in a society where someone’s proximity alone should cause alarm.
Because of our need to occasionally violate this invisible boundary, we have come up with a way to reassure each other that we mean no harm when we get too close for comfort. The way we reassure each other we are not a threat when we have to enter another’s personal space is we use an apology.
We say either, “Excuse me” or, “I’m sorry” as we reach around someone to get something we need or when we have to get past them when something is blocking our way. We also use this formality when we touch someone by mistake such as when our feet touch another’s in the shared personal space under a table we are sitting at.
When we closely examine our need for an apology from those we interact with, we find that our emotional pain is most often caused more by our insecurity as opposed to our actual belief that the person we want an apology from has actually harmed us in some way.
In other words, for most of us an apology could more accurately be categorized as an act of reassurance rather than an actual healing of our emotional injury. But if an apology is really nothing more than a reassurance of something we already know to be true, why do we experience so much pain when we don’t get it?
The reason it hurts so much to be denied an apology is because it triggers our own insecurities that make us fear another will reject, abandon or harm us. The message that someone who hurts us sends when they act like they don’t want to reassure us is that they don’t care about us anymore. Because we are insecure around our social connections to others, the withholding of an apology can feel very threatening to our relationships.
You may be starting to realize that all this talk about insecurity and triggers which you may have assumed was connected to the woman with traits of BPD’s problems is equally at play in our own responses to these individuals. If you are beginning to make this connection, you are well on your way to understanding the dynamic of BPD behavior.
Now that you have a little more clarity on why it hurts so much not to get an apology, we can turn our focus to the reason women with traits of BPD refuse to apologize for obvious wrongdoing. The answer to this question lies in a combination of character traits that cause her to act out with those she is close to.
These character traits are actually very common female traits which we can easily recognize either in ourselves or in people we know. The reason we do not recognize the behaviors of a woman with BPD as stemming from common female traits is because they are in a more extreme form. We will find that when we see these traits in the average female, they seem normal to us. But when we encounter an extreme version of them, they confuse us and we experience them as strange and unusual.
Trait No. 1: Fear of Negative Judgment
Let’s now take a look at the first and primary character trait that leads women with traits of BPD to refuse to apologize for wrongdoing. You may suspect that the personality characteristic that causes these women to withhold apologies is some kind of lack of sensitivity or perhaps an inability to care about or empathize with others.
Although these are the most common reasons that people refuse to give apologies when they are needed, the woman with BPD does not suffer from hard-heartedness. In fact, quite the opposite. The woman with traits of BPD is actually over-empathetic. She is excruciatingly aware of the pain of others, so much so that she finds herself incapable of facing her guilt when she realizes it is her that has caused it.
The character trait that keeps a woman with traits of BPD from admitting to wrongdoing is actually an extreme sensitivity to the negative judgment of others. She feels so much humiliation at potential rejection that she enters a state of what might be labeled a form of light paranoia.
When she fears others will betray her, her fears become so real that she experiences the humilation of rejection without it actually happening. Although this may seem to be yet another strange phenomenon caused by a disorder, this form of light paranoia is just a normal human behavior that we fail to recognize in the woman with traits of BPD because it is in its extreme form.
In order to understand this trait we must turn to our most vulnerable relationships. The romantic relationship is the arena in which almost every one of us has experienced this very same sense of paranoia.
When we find that we are enamored of another and we fear or suspect they might not be as enamored of us, our imagination often takes off. It paints a picture in our heads that is so vivid that it can cause us to experience the kind of humilation that we would feel if the act of betrayal had actually happened.
The woman with traits of BPD is continually caught up in this type of obsessive loop where she cannot help but play out the worst-case scenarios of betrayal in her imagination. These reenactments happen not only with her love interests but often with everyone she is close to. You will soon learn that this ability to conjure up the worst-case scenario plays a major role in her refusal to admit to wrongdoing.
Coping Mechanisms For an Insensitive World
Unfortunately, in the world we live in we hurt others every day. We are emotional creatures with natural selfish urges. It can take the discipline and practice of a Buddhist monk to monitor our behavior enough to honestly assure those around us that we won’t hurt them. One might even say that life often seems to resemble a series of mistakes, leaving us grateful that those around us can forgive us in the same way we forgive them. Apologies are our go-to method for moving past these minor indiscretions.
A woman with traits of BPD in a sense is not cut out for surviving in our rough and tumble world. Without any specialized instruction for how to get by with her extreme sensitivities, she often makes the decision, either consciously or unconsciously, to block out the pain caused by her oversensitivity.
Without help, she may find that in order to function as the rest of us do, she must shut off the part of her that cares so deeply about the judgment of others including her own judgment of herself. Many of these women learn to use the fear-driven worst-case scenarios of betrayal that play out in their head as a justification to cut off from their feelings of empathy for the pain they have caused us.
She makes the decision that no one is supporting her and instead everyone is trying to manipulate, control or take advantage of her. By making this global assumption she places herself directly into the role of a victim. This allows her to cut off her excessive empathy for others and also creates an out for herself when she is the one causing pain.
If she is successful in convincing herself that those around her are trying to take advantage of her or to make her feel bad, she can feel justified in dismissing their allegations and can avoid acknowledging her guilt. This defensive maneuver allows her to successfully escape from the pain that would accompany admitting she was wrong.
The maneuvers she uses to avoid guilt are common defense mechanisms. But because she uses them in a more extreme way than we are used to, we fail to make the connection. Instead of recognizing them as everyday defensive maneuvers, we experience her lies, distortions and outright denials as strange and confusing behavior.
In reality her defenses are the same ones that we all use from time to time to avoid our own feelings of shame and guilt. To demonstrate exactly how the woman with traits of BPD avoids having to experience overwhelming guilt and shame over her negative treatment of others, let’s go through a few of the defensive maneuvers often engaged in by the woman with traits of BPD.
In order to avoid having to acknowledge any wrongdoing the woman with traits of BPD may tell herself:
You are trying to make her feel guilty, and since you are trying to manipulate her, she doesn’t owe you an apology.
She didn’t do anything wrong and you are making a mountain out of a molehill and therefore you don’t deserve an apology.
It takes two to tango, and you are trying to get out of your part in it by making her the bad guy, and unless you give her an apology for your part she isn’t going to give you one for hers.
She was a victim in the situation and you just don’t understand her. Since it’s not her fault, she doesn’t owe you an apology.
Although her declarations of innocence may cause you great pain, they are made solely for her protection, not to hurt you. She does not at that moment care about making things right with you. She has her hands full trying to escape the painful feelings of guilt that she would have to face if she admitted to being wrong.
But along with an extreme sensitivity to negative self-judgment which leads to her use of destructive defense mechanisms, there is one other factor that makes a woman with BPD’s refusal to admit to wrongdoing even more problematic in her relationships with others. Let’s now turn to a second characteristic that is also part of the cluster of behaviors often associated with BPD.
Trait No. 2: High Emotionality
This second common female characteristic which plays a role in the refusal of a woman with traits of BPD to admit to wrongdoing is the trait of high emotionality. This trait in combination with oversensitivity to negative judgment often locks the woman with traits of BPD into a cycle that causes her to hurt those around her over and over.
As if the insecurity caused by oversensitivity to negative judgment wasn’t enough of a liability in relationships for women with traits of BPD, this second characteristic when it presents in its extreme form causes even more problems in her relationships.
When these traits are in combination in their extreme form, they can create the cycle of abuse that often occurs in relationships with women with traits of BPD. But before we address the combination of these two traits, let’s take a quick look at each of these traits separately, starting with our first characteristic, the trait of sensitivity to negative judgment.
Separating Out The Traits
Although we have been talking about the downsides of the trait of sensitivity to negative judgment, we will actually find that those who possess only this trait of the BPD cluster often do just fine out in the world. After a few bad experiences they usually learn they must choose people to surround themselves with who are very non-judgmental and who take great care not to hurt others.
The gentle souls that they find to be the most compatible with them often possess this same trait of oversensitivity to negative judgment. With a few other sensitive people in their inner circle, people with oversensitivity to negative judgment usually find the strength to survive the wear and tear of the outside world without too much difficulty.
But women with traits of BPD have an additional characteristic that interacts in a very unfortunate way with the first trait to give us some of the more negative aspects of this combination of traits including lack of ability to apologize for wrongdoing. The second characteristic that often presents in combination with oversensitivity to negative judgment is an unusually high setting of emotionality.
Although the second personality characteristic of high emotionality is not the actual cause of the inability to admit wrongdoing, it is a fan to the flames of fear of negative judgment. But before we take the time to look at how these traits work together, let’s take a look at the second trait of high emotionality separately.
Although many people are baffled by the out of control emotions in women with traits of BPD, what they may not realize is that everything they need to know about her lack of emotional control resides in each of us. Just like the other traits of BPD, high emotionality and the often strange behaviors that stem from it are actually a very normal part of human behavior that we have all experienced at some point.
High Emotionality In Humans
There is one thing that we can all probably agree on when it comes to emotionality. Most of us are aware that when our emotions rise to a certain level we become what could be labeled as irrational. We go into what might be called a state of emotional inhibition.
We could also label this loss of inhibition emotional inebriation because just like a person who is drunk, when our emotions rise to a certain level we lose our sense of judgment and begin to freely express ourselves without the usual monitoring and filtering that keeps us out of trouble in our social interactions with others.
As you now already know, it is necessary for each of us put an extreme amount of care into not expressing ourselves so freely that we offend or upset others. We must continually monitor and keep in check our impulses, editing what we say and do in order to create the smooth social engagement necessary to avoid conflict.
When our emotions reach a certain heightened intensity we lose the ability to inhibit or monitor our emotional expression. And when we lose the ability to control what we think and feel around others, we often find ourselves in the same kind of trouble as those in a barroom environment.
But losing emotional inhibitions is not the only side effect from high emotionality. Along with loss of emotional inhibitions, we also become somewhat deluded into believing that everything we are feeling is in line with reality. We lose touch with the fact that we are under the influence of emotions. Instead of recognizing that we are the ones dramatizing events around us, we become convinced that it is the events themselves that are dramatic and we are merely responding as any rational person would.
The average person may get upset and say things that hurt us because they feel we deserve it when under the influence of high emotions. But the woman with traits of BPD takes it many steps further. The accusations are likely to be inflammatory enough to shatter the trust of any person in her line of fire.
The average person, when they come down from their emotional high, realizes that they were being irrational or somewhat deluded. You will probably be able to get an apology from them after they make the connection that they were wrong. But with the woman with traits of BPD no such apology will be forthcoming. Let’s take a look at why.
When Traits Collide
When both of these traits, oversensitivity to negative judgment and high emotionality, are working in tandem, the real problems for the woman with traits of BPD begin. Initially her fear of negative judgment will cause her to become very afraid and suspicious. This fear will be fanned by the flames of high emotionality, causing her to believe that her suspicions are true. She is then very likely to do and say things she does not mean.
When she comes out of her state of high emotionality, she will find herself face to face with the reality of what she has said or done and the damage that it caused. Her guilt levels over wrongdoing are so extreme that they often send her into defensive denial or blame-shifting to escape the negative feelings.
In other words, women with traits of BPD, in order to survive this unfortunate combination of traits, can easily fall into the habit of using psychological coping mechanisms to protect themselves from excessive guilt and humilation. It is her behavior while in the throws of those defense mechanisms that ends up hurting those around her.
The reason the woman with traits of BPD cannot apologize to you is because in order to do it she would have to admit she did something wrong. Admitting she did something wrong causes her such terrible humilation and guilt that she must change the story of what happened in order to be able to live with herself.
The chance that a woman will end up with this particular combination of characteristics is simply the luck of the draw. Those who are born with this cluster of common traits have a basic blueprint which gives us the ability to predict the behaviors they may engage in when they begin to enter into close relationships. However, although our genetic blueprints may shape our behavior patterns, they do not determine our fate.
There are many women with this combination of traits who have taken a different road. They have been fortunate enough to recognize their weaknesses and have found a way to gain strength in these areas allowing them to have productive relationships.
But those who discover they can take the easy route to escape from their painful sensitivities by using defensive maneuvers may find it very difficult to let go of them for long enough to do the hard work it takes to overcome these challenges.
Related Posts:
Related Posts:
BPD and the Nice Guy Personality Type
Did Your Ex-Girlfriend Have Traits Of Borderline Personality Disorder?
Identifying Traits of BPD In Women Before Relationship Commitment
Romantic Idealization And Devaluation In Women With Traits of BPD
Women With Traits of BPD – Why Men Stay
Did Your Ex-Girlfriend Have Traits of BPD: How to Let Go of the Good Times
Women on the Spectrum of BPD: Did She Really Love Me?
Female Anger In Relationships – Why Is She Always Mad At Me?
Women With Traits of BPD: Why Can’t She Trust Me?
Note To Readers: I’d like to take a moment to thank all of you who have taken the time to post in my comments section. Your questions, opinions and personal stories form an invaluable contribution to this important discussion.
If you would like to learn the Nicola Method so you can put an end to the high conflict situations you may be experiencing, click on this link to the welcome page of this website where you will find the resources you need.
If you want to try out some of the basic techniques of this method for free to see if this method is right for your situation, you can learn them from an intro guide flip-book here or a PDF version of the intro guide here.
Been in a roller-coaster relationship for 2yrs possible undiagnosed BPD. On and off every 5 mnths,she says she wants a break time out seperation. So i do NC.for a mnth n i do a inventory on myself to be a better man and partner.One of us will break no contact and than the honeymoon starts over again.Within a short time she is back to being up and down. Criticism,projection basic denigrates me.i work with it i roll with the punches caused i loved her.She would never take ownership or apologise where i would and be patient and supportive of her and my step daughters.So now its happening again 4 weeks ago. i detected the behaviour pattern n suggested that aftet school hols when my boys go home n her daughters go to their dads, that we talk about us. Three days after that and bottle of wine, she starts given it to me,looks at me with this wicked non emotional look and said its over. Like i havent heard this before. But she did it infront of the kids, so i said thats it. I came home with my sons then after school hols finished, i txt n said we need to talk re the relationship not by phone or txt.2 nights later i get a 2am txt saying its over and i never want to see you again. For the 1st time i snappped and texted her and gave her what for.Now im to blame again. This time ive had enough stood my ground and told her its finished for good and im breaking this cycle for me and my sons. Sadly though i got a txt from step daughter asking me to stay and she said you know what mums like she has dine this 5 timrs before.
Ive had it. Im grieving and know finding closure through a Psychologist. My question is after the abovementioned, i am concerned she is going to try to come back,when,how i dont know and i hope that she doesnt.I need to protect myself.Any advice
I’m so sorry for what you and your family are going through. Getting professional help for yourself is the best way to try to remove yourself from the situation, so seeing a psychologist should give you the kind of support you need. If you do find yourself back in contact with her you can also use any of the techniques offered through the blog posts or through the workbook on this site. They will show you how to protect yourself from her negative behaviors and can help give you the separation you may need to make the decisions that are right for you and your family.
Hi Joanna
like above i was insulted,abused and eventually cheated on by multiples by a woman who supposedly fell in love with my personality,the very same personality she abused and insulted me for and within a week of our break i was replaced by a man who,s personality and physical characteristics are those she supposedly wasnt attracted too..i had no apology,no remorse,no regret,no empathy not so much as a single tear over the things she said and did..she has moved on as if we never existed..year and half on and she is still with him and im still recovering from the discard
It’s very difficult for men to understand the subtle difference in emotionality between the average man and woman. Only when you imagine what it would be like to have your emotions completely rule your love life can you comprehend how a person could be head over heels in love one moment and then completely without emotion for them the next. When human emotions run high, they overtake rational thought. Both emotions will seem completely real. If you enter a relationship with a woman with high emotionality who does not know how to regulate her emotions, this kind of scenario is predictable.
It may feel as though you have a weak spot, but we all have a weak spot when it comes to romantic relationships. It is this vulnerability that allows us to be close. It is a necessary part of romantic connection. Being a nice-guy type means you have the capacity to be open. You would not want to lose that ability, although many men in your situation do close down for good after an experience where a woman exploits their vulnerability.
To avoid this situation in the future you would need to be able to identify the presence of traits of BPD before you commit to a relationship. And because these traits are part of the most common cluster of female characteristics, the same cluster of traits that most men find attractive in women, you may find that these traits are going to be present in most of the women you date. You will not be able to tell in advance if she is mature enough to override her emotions. So unfortunately, if you tend to be attracted to typically female characteristics, there is no way to guarantee this will not happen again.
Absolute rubbish. This is nothing more than refusing yet again to be accountable.
“Although these are the most common reasons that people refuse to give apologies when they are needed, the woman with BPD does not suffer from hard-heartedness. In fact, quite the opposite. The woman with traits of BPD is actually over-empathetic. She is excruciatingly aware of the pain of others, so much so that she finds herself incapable of facing her guilt when she realizes it is her that has caused it.
The character trait that keeps a woman with traits of BPD from admitting to wrongdoing is actually an extreme sensitivity to the negative judgment of others. She feels so much humiliation at potential rejection that she enters a state of what might be labeled a form of light paranoia.”
This is all nothing more than what is called ‘a back handed compliment.’ I hear women do this all of the time at company meetings or giving speeches, “I’m guilty of working too hard and working too many late hours,” never once have I ever heard a woman in all of my 53 years on this planet admit wrong doing in any significant way such as, “My marriage ended because I was a horrific monster of an abusive human being, petty beyond belief, spiteful, vindictive and back stabbing,” which is far, far closer to reality with most american women today.
And blaming women’s lack of accountability on a mental illness is yet another way of dodging accountability. No, the reason women are incapable of accepting accountability is because they never build CHARACTER nor ever mature emotionally and mentally beyond the age of 16. Someone who is incapable of accountability is also incapable of caring or loving another human being and really isn’t even human. Thus the reason for the extremely high divorce rate today, 80% of divorces initiated by women and the no.1 reason is adultery and hypergamy and of course, zero accountability.
50 years of feminism is what did it. Feminism was nothing more than a way for women to sneakily absolve themselves of all accountability, responsibility and consequences in life for bad choices but call it ‘free from oppression and abuse.’ Western women now actually believe that even punishment by the legal system is wrong because they have lost touch with humanity and become basically non-human/sub human.
I read many of your blogs on BPD traits. I have unfortunately revisited a time some 16 years ago. (Triggered by a recent event.)
I fell for a then 33 year old BPD traits woman. I was 28, naïve about good relationships, recovering from alcohol and childhood abuses, neither were completed at that moment. I can’t say I handled the highs-lows of the can do no wrong-can do no right. I couldn’t understand how I allowed her so deep. Because I told her about these abuses, which never leads to attraction, but instead triggered her. (I believe she may have been raped.)
She wrote me a confusing email that intermixed lies (saying I called her a b* many times) and threats (of police) and criticism (my leaving for another job in another state). She expected a response – she stated.
This was after we had a 2 hour conversation late at night, that resulted in my departing from her life. She had rejected me yet again…. I was self-sabotaging and felt like an imposter. (Too much of a good thing seemed to be happening.) **Gaslighting**
I felt absolutely despised after her letter. I responded pitifully, suicidally. Not right. *Manipulative.* I drove off to Kansas crying with a book she just gave me (Legacy of the Heart, Wayne Muller)…we both lived in Indy. *Flight mode*
I returned 2 days later. Nothing resolved. I attempted an apology via a 3rd party. She filed a restraining order unbeknownst to me. 2 weeks later – I attempted my own apology and compliments to her. The cops visited my house that night. (And I then, got drunk, and wrote the most damning email of my life and sent it to about 15-20 individuals, attaching her email to me. I attacked her (calling her horrible names, saying she deserved pain, my detestable father, psychologists, God, and used more colorful metaphors than you can ever dream of.)
I went to a therapist 2 days later. But the damage was permanent. But the game only had begun.
I felt so guilty and yet could do nothing about it. I wondered why I ever allowed this to happen? Why did she say all those things to me? This, in hindsight, is not to ever excuse my verbal retorts and manipulation.
A court hearing took place a month later for a no-contact order. I moved to Ohio for that job the next month.
After I arrived in Ohio, a court letter arrived regarding an invasion of privacy charge made for that email I sent. More guilt arose. By then, I was drinking heavily again. My best friend had ceased to be that. (He was getting married soon. And his wife worked in the same industry, security (Pinkerton), as the lady I was involved with.
3 months later, I made the fatal error of trying to apologize to her. I pleaded, offered money, drunken wishes all. No threats. But I sealed my fate. Thereafter, mass emails to explain myself and how all of this went about. I was crying for help – no one listen but for my mom.
I turned myself in on the invasion charge. 3 days later, a felony stalking charge went in. She later accused me of having her followed by 3 black men, breaking into a U-lock, reading her diary, stealing money from her grandma (who lived in Cincy, about 1/2 hour from where I worked) and a myriad of other things in a 12-page single space document. None are true. (She referenced Gavin de Becker’s Gift of Fear…..she was quite a reader. Which adds even more complexity to this abridged version.)
I was completely unhinged. Crying and balling in jail – no one believes you. I suspect I deserved it for calling her nasty names and expecting we could make up (at least be friends.)
Her father was a local attorney. Her sister a PHD. And the gang up was coordinated well.
I spent 2 years in prison….I moved back home in 2004. My mom for the remaining years couldn’t let it drop. After while, I went from being mad about my life, to just accepting this as my plight to go through it. I told my mom to do the same. But, it never happened – she felt this woman ruined my life. (I was an industrial engineer.) My mom died of cancer in 2011, her last months, I cared for her by myself, learning another lesson about life.
I have never dated anyone since. (I didn’t date this one either. We just were in a service organization. We connected it seemed. She seemed to care.)
I had my issues, then, and I made ALL the wrong choices.
I went back to school – got an MBA – and got an industrial engineering job again after 12 years.
So, I think this reflects the, “What if both people are so screwed up?” interactions.
Normal relationships. What is that?
Thanks for listening.
Thanks for sharing your story. I’m sure there are many readers who can relate.
Thanks. Here’s the resolution of this situation for me. As I felt it was time to do this for her and my father.
Dear j-,
I write to apologize and forgive you.
The latter, you may not think is needed, but it isn’t as it sounds here at the outset.
I’ve written this letter countless times. It never quite gets to where I feel it needs to. Maybe it finally does.
You are owed the most sincere apology and explanation ever. I owe it for the terrible and pathetic words I used in so many emails, while both angry and depressed, manipulative and pleading.
The most reasonable explanation I have is that you linked unconsciously to my father. By that, I am saying I sought your approvals and validation. I wanted to impress you. I wanted the love I never got from that source in my life. You both had similar qualities. (But very different responses in life. Yours being very positive.)
You both are whip smart. Love books. Had great advice always. Charming and engaging. And yet, quiet, and often, the wheels I could see were spinning on a deep problem or issue. (My father was severely emotionally abused by his mom —physically by his state penitentiary-working father.)
I suspect, given the titles you’ve read, and explored, you too experienced great difficulties in your life; prior to the ones I triggered/caused for you. I wish you could have entrusted me enough to open up in a fashion. I think you did try – but, I responded poorly. Selfishly. Detestably. I didn’t stop – breathe – and then, think respectfully of what you asked for. No second chances come with trust.
I was a work-in-progress, but barely. It was self-sabotaged at its finest. See, I never felt worthy of you. And you confirmed that. Yet, that pain, of rejection, again, was too much to handle. Shortly thereafter, I called up my father after – 12 years then – for a talk. (I think that confirms a great deal of the connection.)
I want to forgive the false accusations made in court. I don’t know how to express that without seeming to foist undue responsibility onto you. You defended yourself – through that means – so it is understandable. I can’t expect that it was easy to do. But what is done is done. I forgive that.
I’ve dwelt on this for too long. Apologized too much; and yet, never enough.
But it is time to set this moment aside. I was still learning how to be an adult, with a child’s pain back then. I should have been the one person who understood the pains you felt. And I failed you as that person. But we all grow up at various rates, as I did forgive my father, much, much later on, too.
Lastly, I wish you well. Best of luck in your endeavors. I think you have the gifts to really do something unique in this world. Please do so – as it surely needs it.
Hello,
I have to say that I agree with many of the points that Mark made. (Although I will not say that women are sub-human, simply very misguided.) Feminism has caused women to amplify their worst qualities.
The author of this post took me somewhat aback when she made it seem like women have the best intentions and care too much. If they did, they wouldn’t cheat or break a man’s heart, etc, because it would be overwhelming for them to feel that sort of remorse.
One thing I agree with about the author’s post is that she basically admits women have BPD to some degree or another.
I am just making the decision to cut a bpd family member out of my life. It has taken years and a breaking point to make this difficult decision. I’ve been mourning the loss of this relationship like a death, it’s very sad for me. I want her in my life but I now have to protect myself. I’ve been in therapy for six months and have learned to trust and value myself in the process, I have also developed the confidence to recognize abuse and steer clear from it. This means I cannot have her in my life, I’ve worked to hard to go backwards.
I have researched bpd and have found many articles that encourage non bpd’s to be understanding and supportive of bpd individuals. I’ve done this for years, at my expense.
I am confused though, they say bpd isn’t something you are born with, but instead it’s developed. That past abuse or an invalidating childhood triggers it. So it’s a set of traits? Learned or born with? So, is there actually something wrong with a bpd’s brain? They say it cannot be treated with medication, but therapy sometimes works. Are the neurological pathways disturbed in a bpd individual? Is bpd a true psychological condition? Or a label for those possessing certain traits? Does it have to do with social intelligence, are they not taught how to control emotions and to be accountable for the abusive things they say and do? Does therapy teach them that? Or do they know these things but cannot control what they say and do? Does it have to do with impulse control? Do they have “spells” where their rational mind takes a backseat to their emotions? If so is there a medical explanation? Why do they forget what they say and do? Do we lose them during a bpd rage? Are they present all the time?
It seems to me (especially after reading this article) that bpd is a compulsion with protecting one’s self. It seems like the bpd selfishly chooses to soothe them self in every situation regardless of who they hurt in the process. As long as they walk away feeling better they are able to not look back at the wake of destruction left in their path. The only reason I think my bpd cares is because every article I’ve read tells me they do, but they have never given me the impression they care or are sorry. I just tell myself they must be so I can move forward with a blank slate so I can see them again.
I understand we all hurt people (usually unintentionally) as we navigate through life. Many people endure significant abuse and live their life in a peaceful way, compassionate to those being abused, trying to protect others from abuse…these people are my friends. Then there are those who pass along the abuse they endured to others, this is what many bpd’s do. Do they know they do this? Can they control it? Does it make them feel bad? Why can’t they stop? Our behavior is a huge part of who we are. If somebody continues to treat me badly, eventually I’ll think they are a jerk and not want them in my life. That’s where I’m at but I need to understand exactly what’s going on neurologically to find any compassion for bpd’s. To me they really seem like selfish, abusive jerks with no conscience. It’s super confusing to me.
Salie, a more comprehensive answer to all of these questions can be found by browsing through my blog posts about BPD. But I will certainly try to answer your questions in an abbreviated form here. A person is born with a susceptibility to BPD. They have personality traits which we might call emotional sensitivities. I like to break these personality traits into three categories, extreme fear of others’ negative judgment, extreme longing for and idealization of love, and an extremely high setting of emotionality.
Although all human beings have these three traits, a person with the extreme version of them will face major problems as they develop. Children with this combination of extreme traits will experience the normal wear and tear of human interaction as excruciatingly painful. If there is neglect or abuse of any kind they can become severely traumatized. They grow up very confused because everyone else around them seems able to tolerate what they perceive as a cruel and treacherous world. They find themselves unable to get the kind of relief from their caretakers that a normal child will receive when they feel emotional pain. Unless a parent is specifically trained in how to offer special care to their child, the necessary training that all parents give their children that teaches them to regulate or control their emotions will not be enough.
Without this special care the child will not only lack the skill to regulate their emotions, but they will experience even loving and caring family members as abusive, which I imagine is some of what you are going through. So it is a psychological condition, but not an organic illness. They are born with the susceptibility, but whether they develop the condition depends on how extreme the traits are and how much validation they receive in the home environment.
The “cure” for the condition is learning the skills of emotional regulation or control that they were unable to learn as a child. Dialectical behavioral therapy is the name of the treatment, and it is simply teaching them all of the things we were all taught as children growing up, how to interpret feelings, how to comfort ourselves, how to calm down our anger and how to resist our urges. Without this training the person will be continually triggered by past injuries which for a normal person would just be everyday slights as well as developing new psychological injuries because they don’t know how to heal their everyday minor wounds.
The defensive part of their brain will also contribute to their problems, causing extreme denial and a form of temporary defensive amnesia which we all experience from time to time but which presents at extreme levels in these individuals. Their brains are generally just fine, although there can be some overlap with “real” mental illnesses. Once they learn to regulate their emotions they do well, although they will always be highly sensitive to the negative judgment of others. But they are very immature when it comes to morality and ethics, what we call having a good conscience.
We all get emotionally dysregulated from time to time. This is a neurological phenomenon that makes every one of us temporarily selfish and unable to think about anyone else’s needs. But because we are rarely in that state of mind we have time to develop an awareness of others. People with BPD can’t stay regulated long enough to gain emotional maturity which can only be found through using the intellectual processing center of our brains, a place those with BPD are continually bounced out of.
The bottom line problem for those with BPD is the fact that they face humiliation in almost all of their social interactions, even those who did not grow up in an abusive environment. For some reason human beings do not seem to be able to tolerate humiliation. Our brains are set up to use strong defenses against this emotion. The emotional of humiliation can be managed through rage, which is what most individuals with BPD turn to in order to cope with the pain from everyday social interactions. But the defenses they use are no different from any other abuser, and like all people they are ethically obligated to take responsibility and search for help once they are old enough to realize their behavior is damaging to others.
The reason they don’t is because not only are they oversensitive to others’ negative judgment, they are also unable to tolerate negative judgment coming from themselves. The thought of doing anything imperfect or morally inappropriate causes self-hatred. Their defense system will automatically turn on to protect them from hating themselves by using all kinds of tactics that keeps the person with BPD feeling innocent.
Those who treat the condition must use kid gloves through the therapeutic process in order to avoid flooding them with self-hatred. So they tend to not focus the individual on personal accountability. In other words they don’t teach the person how to make amends for past harm. All of these factors create the very sad situation you are in right now for their family members.
Hi there
I have recently been seeing a woman I believe has bpd/npd
she has unleashed her anger towards me a couple of months back for the most trivial of things and I mean trivial, it was as if I had committed the crime of the millennium.
A barrage of abusive text messages and emails ensued over the course of an entire day and through the next night into the morning again. Phone calls later revolved around the same apparent crime I committed which was of course almost unforgivable. I literally had to beg for forgiveness and the conversation just went round in circles going from one of my so called crimes against her to another then another. All my behaviors over the last few weeks which were normal and banter we had had, were not brought up as ‘abuse’ against her and ‘attacks’ on her not behavior of a gentlemen or a decent man.
I was called abnormal, abusive, accused of deliberately causing the situation. blamed for her reaction that followed and the consequences of that were now ‘my fault’. No apology was initially good enough for her. I was the devil incarnate!!!!! At this point I realised that there was something very wrong with her thinking and rationalizing. Her view of the events were SO distorted in my mind it amounted to absolute insanity almost. It caused me so much stress that I quickly lost all my positive feeling and thoughts for her and wanted nothing more to do with her. And there entails the difficult bit how to get away without causing her more pain and rejection loss abandonment. I cared for still do but it could never go back to the way it was.
What I would like to ask is, is there hope people with BPD to recover fully?
This is a great write-up of a classical scene of BPD devaluation. I’m glad to see that you are healthy enough to separate yourself from a clearly destructive situation. Yes, there is hope for those with BPD to fully recover. The answer lies in public education about this behavior pattern. The reason those with BPD do not recover is that part of the disorder involves the inability to face disapproval from others. In order to get help they must admit to bad behavior, and this causes them too much shame, so they are caught in a downward spiral of misbehaving and cover-up.
Right now there is a large group of individuals with BPD who are getting help and who have recovered to the extent that they can no longer retain the diagnosis. What has allowed them to do the remedial work of learning how to regulate their emotions is the fact that BPD is now being presented more in the light of a form of mental illness as opposed to a personality disorder.
When individuals with BPD, particularly young ones who have not yet done catastrophic damage to the lives of those around them can categorize their behaviors as an illness, something they can’t possibly help, they are more easily able to release the shame that would otherwise keep them from seeking recovery. It can, however, be difficult for those who have already committed atrocious acts to face their shame and admit they need help.
Thank you for a valuable insight!
I have been reading recently many things about BPD and getting more and more convinced this might be the case why I am currently so unhappy and lost… although I used to think until recently that everything would be my fault.
I am bisexual, but have been living with a man for 12 years. He knew I used to have girl crushes and was never really objecting it. Actually the awareness of freedom made me to feel very safe with my boyfriend, and I never risked to cheat on him. However, three years ago we had sort of a relationship crisis – we did not have sex anymore, romance was gone and we were arguing lots, so I was often thinking about leaving him. Then I met that woman online, on a site which in my eyes was about friendship, while she regarded it as a dating site. Though, we started as friends, exchanging letters about everyday stuff – while her letters all of a sudden became super intense, seductive and… to make a long story short, I fell in love. It took me less than two weeks after our first letter exchange to reveal my feelings, and she told she was in love too… so it sounded like a miracle. She gave me literally everything I had lacked in my relationship: attention, romance, sweet gifts, we talked on the phone overnight… I went to see her two months later (she lives in another country), and that was beautiful… there was only one minor accident during that visit when she said something very rude, a thing I would never expect a woman to say… and some things about her many exes which I found shocking and which made me suspicious that probably things are not that clear… but I was in love and truly believed I am the one to be selected for life. Even if she mentioned her being cruel or cheating on some of her exes, I felt bit like winner.
Then we had some minor arguments, but nothing serious – until I revealed her some personal things from my own dark sides including having told some lies about my background. It really happened and I still feel guilty about it – but I have had a super traumatic childhood and only recently I have learnt to be honest about it if asked. Well, in any case I decided that I know her well enough to trust my darkest secrets. She exploded in anger and broke up with me telling she will never be able to trust me again. I actually understood her point – I recognized my mistake and was ready to let her go. However after a couple of days she called me and told me that she would have forgiven and that she loves me too much to drop me. I was super grateful – but actually since then I started walking on eggshells around her, as any minor thing could evoke her anger which meant breaking up immediately, silent treatment for days, angry comments or ignoring me. She was a lot around her exes, claiming them to be her friends only – but I could not object as I was still living at my boyfriend’s despite we had officially broken up. So since I felt guilty both for lies and living at his place, I agreed to everything she did to me. She started breaking up with me more and more often, making it more hurtful each time. The reasons were more and more absurd – like me flirting with one of her exes I had met or, just the opposite, not communicating with people (I know some words in her native language but not enough to talk to her folks if they do not speak English). However, make up moments were brilliant so far, she showered me with loving words and gifts, well, and I was very concerned about her and very much in love. But with time things went worse. She hated me making friends, became hysterically jealous to random acquaintances, often tried convincing me that people I like are awful. When I was trying to please her, she called me a disgusting liar who would fake her true self. When I was trying to draw boundaries, she was calling me names. Once she even pushed me so that I fell on the floor. I had become disgusting indeed in a way. I was paranoid, I had issues at my job, I was crying a lot, both alone and in her presence, which made her extra angry. I started lying indeed in order not to make her angry. However, she pushed harder until I really started considering suicide. At times I just wanted it to end and asked her to leave me if she hates me so much – but after each breakup she came back as if nothing had happened. Well, at some point I learnt she really does not remember what has happened. And on her good days she always asked if I would move to live with her and if I would marry her. First I thought, probably it is a way to settle things and I agreed. Then she broke up. Then proposed again. Then broke up. Then proposed again. Then broke up… until I took the courage to tell her I would marry her if she learns to talk about issues she has with me or things I do instead of breaking up, blocking me on all media and doing silly things like posting nonsense on my FB page or breaking into my e-mail account, putting classifieds on dating pages or killing projects with others involved. I was afraid to offend her, but I thought if I once say clearly that there are things I cannot accept, we could discuss and prevent them. She reacted seemingly calmly, and I felt happy that we would have started working on it. Alas! was I wrong! After a couple of miles (she was driving, I was reading GPS) I mistook the exit, and she started accusing me with worst words possible. I apologized and asked her to calm down, and then she drove into the opposite lane where another car was approaching, took her hands off the wheel and told she had decided to let go. I grabbed the wheel and actually saved us from the crash. Then she stopped the car, slammed the door and went away. I could not even follow as I cannot drive. Took some time till she came back and told she would never marry me because I were a shit. I was still shaking after the possible accident, and could not calm down for days – while she was absolutely happy about herself. After that things went worse and worse. Whenever she was in stress or tired or in a bad mood, she broke up after setting a huge fight about something absurd, sometimes even in public. While when the situation was settled or she had calmed down, she behaved as if mothing had happened. I wanted many times to leave her, but then she either turned super sweet or told I had only used her, pointing at the gifts she had given or the money she had lent me. And in those moments I thought, well, she is right, she has supported me and she is actually a sweet girl while I have been awful to her. She also often pointed at my sins or wrongdoings. The day before my birthday she made me cry telling that I do not deserve love at all, that I am mentally disturbed and rotten. However, around that time I also started realizing that perhaps I am not the black sheep only… actually I was on the verge of a mental breakdown indeed and needed sort of recovery found by myself. I happened to find an article on NPD and BPD and recognized many traits characterizing my partner. Reading and thinking has helped me lots so far. I still love her (but rather in a friendly way, willing to help but not beyond my boundaries), though I do not feel so addicted anymore. I know my childhood traumas have participated in creating this toxic relationshop a lot, and I am really willing to work through these patterns. I am also willing to establish a healthy relationship, and recently I am getting much closer to the guy I had left because of that woman. Although I do not feel ready for anything serious yet.
Your articles helped me to understand many things and I am grateful to you. Keep the good work, it is brilliant!
Tina, I’m so glad my blog was helpful for you.
Is there a reason that this is entitled “women” and not “people?” Men have BPD too.
Lilly, I actually don’t write for men or women. I write about a specific common cluster of personality traits which is so much more prevalent with women than men that I don’t feel the need to include the male gender in my writing. I also do not write about the specific disorder of BPD, although much of my writing can apply to those with the disorder.
The behaviors that I write about occur only in romantic relationships and most often in women who do not qualify for the diagnosis. Those who suffer from the disorder have very severe problems that go way beyond the behaviors within romantic relationships. Male BPD has not been studied a great deal and I have not worked with any partners of men with BPD, so I would not feel qualified to write about it.
I am not here to refute what you wrote, but the question that is being asked has nothing to do with the insecurity of the person who wants the apology. The question that is being asked is … Why can’t a woman say that she is sorry when she is wrong and why can’t she admit she is wrong?
Some women cannot admit their wrongs for several reasons and I will briefly post two… They are too absorbed with themselves which causes them to feel that they are above all and in control of all, and they are self-righteous because by admitting a fault they would feel like a failure. People who are self-absorbed and admirers of themselves have no room to love, nor to receive the love of others. Nothing impresses them they just want to impress others to get attention.
I will also state that there are men like this as well, but it is the men that are posting on the internet complaining about their wives that they always want to be right.
BPD is the term being used to rationalize a behavior and most terms would just encourage one to continue their behavior. If the behavior of the person (not the term that is giving) is attacked correctly I am sure the correction would follow.and the husband would be happy. This goes for men too.
Sam that is one of the most ignorant statements I have read about BPD. You never have dealt with it. This is why it is so frustrating BPD people do not respond to much of anything. Your method is a failure.
My wife and I sometimes get into arguments. They sometimes get a little heated. The thing is, I CAN apologize when I’m in the wrong. Sometimes it takes a little cooling period before I see it, but I do apologize. My wife doesn’t apologize at all. I am just now seeing this as a real disorder. I always thought she was just being self-righteous and selfish, but, while that may be true, there is a disorder that explains it. There’s rarely any resolution to our arguments, and we’ve been married for over 21 years now. Is there anything I can do to get resolution when I feel it is needed without it leading into more resentment? I know she loves me, and has never been unfaithful, but something always felt a little “off” about her, like she is hiding something in her past from me that may be at the root of the problem. I’ve talked until I’m blue in the face, while trying to get appropriate responses out of her, any response feels forced. The talks always come out like I’m being critical because she shuts down, and I hate that. I don’t know what to do. I just cope with it the best I can. We have a really good marriage otherwise, but it would be nice if she could actually apologize when she’s in the wrong. Is there anything I can do to help find resolution?
Sparky, I have available to people in your situation a free workbook on my website that will give you the language that can help you break through this problem. If there are no other severe symptoms in the relationship, she probably does not have the actual disorder. The diagnosis of BPD is reserved for those whose lives are made dysfunctional from these problems.
But for those who have a lighter version of these traits that are causing problems such as those you mention, there is a way to reverse these negative behaviors. It’s a thankless job on your part, and not an easy road to travel, but learning this style of communication with a person who struggles terribly with trust can be worthwhile.
These individuals cannot tolerate feelings of guilt. Because of this they are unable to experience the kind of healthy shame that we all must walk through in order to change our behavior for the positive and to assure those around us that we did not mean to hurt them. I supply partners of these individuals with the kind of language that allows communication without even a hint of blame. This helps the person to stop running away from the guilt and to communicate in a more productive way.
I am always available through email to answer any questions or help you with any roadblocks you may encounter while using this method.
My heart just dies. she is funny, we laugh for hours, but in public, at times (not ALL) she just will become inmovable to her point-of-view on any topic and when pushed upon by others or myself (GUILTY) to calm and allow for alternative paths – up come the defensive attitudes which end in ” how can they hurt me like that” (in my head I am thinking that it is there life and we are just a friendly sounding board) and BAM – they are on the shit list and gone forever. After six years… we are a blast to be with but she has failed to see her impact on our lose friendships. Passing that over – when I look for an apology – I have only gotten two in the last 4 years – they are after amazing fights, amazing changes in story, amazing lack of self-reflection by her, and an amazing amount of time for the two apologizes, otherwise there is none. My heart kills for my best friend and the one woman I can say has so many other great qualities. But “her walls are up” cus I wanna “fight”, or “make it an issue” or “its your fault now” and yet… I am struggling at my age to know if one more day is worth the effort.
James
I can relate so well. I am expected to apologise immediately after doing anything wrong but her apologies only follow (if at all) after weeks and weeks of lying, changing the details (until I think I’m delusional), editing what she calls the ‘context’, then admitting to being wrong but blaming me for causing her to do it. If I’m lucky to get an apology its usually issued with a bitter and spiteful tone which leaves one feeling like you’re an overbearing idiot and it is always followed with a condition. I have had to wait 6 months for an admission of fault and then still no apology. I think it is down to simple self-indulgence, juvenile spite and a complete lack of empathy. Some fights have left me in tears out of unbearable frustration and still she will just sit and watch me squirm and struggle and offer no tenderness at all. But I have also seen her unmoved and completely cold while her teenage daughter sobs over peer-pressure and school and life pressures (such that I have to hug and console her) and offer nothing but callous criticism, not even a hug.
I have lost my temper in simple discussions with her because of the vague answers and non-committal statements and word salad and she just stands up, throws my coffee down the drain and walks out. She leaves my place with ‘when you are finished being angry call me and we can do something’. Naturally I need time apart to calm down and process my anger, then I get accused of abandoning her and her daughter, not loving the anymore and having ‘moved on’.
I read “The Alpha Female Guide to men and marriage) which opened my eyes so much. I have never once been able to get agreement from her on anything, we either follow her plans or I spend the entire day alone. Amazingly though, when her car plays up or her dog is ill, I am the one who ‘knows what to do.’ Just as soon as the car is on the road again or the dog is up and going, I am too stupid to be trusted with even what to cook for dinner.
Karl
This article is off based and I may be able to shed some light on the subject. Maybe it will help BPD women learn how to apologize. For those of us without BPD, apologizes have very little to do with reassurance. Apologies are meant to bring CLOSURE to a misunderstanding or wrongdoing. Without closure there is an open wound. The more wounds are left open the more damage to the relationship. You must learn to apologize for the right reasons or the damage will.pile up to the point that us non-BPDs will build resentment and, ultimately, end the relationship.
Sounds like yet more excuses for women’s atrocious behavior. Constantly having to accommodate women’s malignant narcissism is exhausting.
I totally disagree. Why? From the male perspective this is about respect (and love – which is a form of respect). It is a personal affront for your wife to be disrespectful. It has nothing to do with insecurity but with our God given sense of self and dignity whereby we deserve respect and our BPD spouse refuses to honor that. The anger is from, in my case, the repeated dismissals of my complaints refereeing her inexcusable rude behavior that belies her selfishness and pride. Her inability to acknowledge this when called out reassert the same. She has a pride issue more than I have an insecurity issue.
“The message that someone who hurts us sends when they act like they don’t want to reassure us is that they don’t care about us anymore. Because we are insecure around our social connections to others, the withholding of an apology can feel very threatening to our relationships.”
I don’t think that is it…that it feels threatening to our relationship with others…not at all. The reason it hurts when a person won’t apologize is that, yes, it feels like they don’t care about us, how we were impacted by their behavior…and that feels threatening to the relationship and love we have for them…it has nothing to do with others.
Thank you for your thoughts and for contributing to this important conversation.